Need family advice.

[Xithras]

Several months ago, my uncle passed away. My uncle was a great man who we all loved, and he enjoyed sitting around telling us war stories from his days in Vietnam when he was a gunner on the side of a Cavalry helicopter. I grew up thinking that he was some kind of war hero, and was somewhat dissappointed when I found out that lots of people fought in wars. Still, his stories were inspiring, and some of his acts of courage saved peoples lives.

Or so we thought. My cousin is the annointed "keeper of family lore", and the one who maintains the family tree and all of that kind of stuff. After my uncle died (not her father btw, he was her uncle too), she began looking up information on his service for her geneaology scrapbooks for the family. She was especially curious as to why he'd never received any awards for bravery. What she found was a sad truth...my uncle was actually a clerk in a supply unit, and the closest he came to combat was when he handled the boxes of ammo that were going to the battlefield. I can only imagine what drove him to make up those stories, but he made them believable for many decades and nobody ever had any reason to question them.

My question may be obvious at this point. My cousin brought this information to me (in tears) because she isn't sure whether or not she should let the rest of the family know. On one hand, she wants her family history to be an accurate reflection of his life, but on the other hand she doesn't want to destroy the families illusions of him and make people think poorly of him. He's dead, and she doesn't want to tarnish his memory.

Tell, or no?

[skygazer]

1. This is not unusual and it's not really "bad"

He was involved in a war. He wanted to feel like he contributed (which he did, of course). The truth is that probably more soldiers don't see combat than do. It's hard though, to say that you just passed ammo and worked in an office.

He wanted his family to be proud of him, that's all. Are you any less proud of him now? Is he any less a person because of this? Of course not. Actually, he's probably a little more human.

There's no reason for anyone to think poorly of him but I do feel strongly that genealogy should be accurate. It's history and 100 years from now, no one is going to care if your uncle was a clerk or special forces, no one will care if Aunt Erma was illegitimate or if Cousin Bennie was married 6 times. But they will care if they discover their history is inaccurate.

I say tell but put it in perspective. He just wanted people to think well of his service. And people should STILL think well of it.

[trof]

2. Right.

[Xithras]

4. Actually, I think he was trying to measure up to my grandfather.

My grandfather was a chaplain who landed on the Normandy beaches on D-Day WITHOUT a gun, and who was active with his regiment all the way through to Germany, where he was finally wounded.

My uncle grew up in a house listening to stories about his war hero father, so I would imagine that it must have been incredibly hard for him to be relegated to a "lowly" clerk. From what we've been able to tell, even his letters from the time when he was stationed in Vietnam presented him as being in combat. He was actually with the Cavalry (5th, IIRC), just not in a combat role.

[Corgigal]

3. Let it rest with him

My husband and I found out something similar when it came to my father-in-laws service. He was also a clerk but you wouldn't know it from talking to him. He finally found it on his DD 214 form.

The man is almost 75 and I don't say a word. My husband could if he wanted to but doesn't.

[bigwillq]

5. Don't tell (nt)

[Neil Lisst]

6. Well, it's always possible his records are not complete ...

... but it sounds as if he told the tales of others as his own.

I wouldn't be too hard on the dead. He's not here to explain himself.

There are things that simply do not appear on one's record, however, especially back in those days. I once went with a crew up into the mountains to retrieve the bodies of several dozen soldiers, and there isn't a blessed thing about it anywhere in my records.

I was not in combat, as I worked inside a vault anywhere I went, but they needed volunteers for that retrieval, so I went. Plus, I knew some of the guys and I wanted to help go get them to ship home to their families. It's probably the most significant thing that happened to me in my military time, and it never appears anywhere in my records because there was no assignment, no orders, that went with it.

I give most guys a pass when they tell war stories. The stories are usually true, even if they might not have happened to the guy who tells them.