I need advice....My friend is ruining her life

[Jennos20]

I have this friend and I she is doing something so terrible and is ruining her life and other people's lives in the process. She met this guy 9 months ago in college station, Texas (aka "The Sheep Farm) and they started dating. I didn't really think it was a good idea because she was 20 at the time and he was 33, and thats a pretty big gap. Well now 8 months later it turn out this MAN is married and has two kids!! He didn't tell her a damn thing, she found out on her own when she found the his children's drawings in his bag that said "Daddy we miss you". He then told her that they had been separated for "3 years" and that he was gonna get a divorce. My friend being a moron, believed him and forgave him. Well during Thanksgiving (My friend and "Satan" had come to our hometown for thanksgiving as well) my friends and I being nosy and somewhat immature, looked him up online and found out that he was still living with the wife and everything! So my stupid friend and other friend called the wife and drove to college station to meet the wife and exchange tales, The wife was soo devastated, she had know idea her husband was cheating on her. So FINALLY after all of this my friend breaks up with him and we are all so relieved because she is messing with a family here. Well this man gets kicked out of the house (for obvious reasons) and my friend is still seeing him and is talking to him! He has even stayed with her since the catastrophe! I mean she was his young girl on the side! What is wrong with her! She is pushing all her friends away and is choosing to be with this asshole who lied to her, cheated on his wife, betrayed his kids and who is not a real man! Why is my friend doing this? I dint understand! We just want to help her, we all just turned 21 and none of us should be dealing with a situation like this! AND to top it all off he is the HUGE bush supporter and of course turned her into one also!
I don't get how anyone can be ok with breaking up a family...what she's doing is soo very wrong. Is there anyway my friends and I can save her? Advice would be appreciated....

[eyesroll]

1. It's none of your business.

Sorry, your friend is a grown woman. There's nothing you can do. You can offer your opinion (I'm sure you already have -- I probably would have, too), but that's about it.

[Jennos20]

14. I haven't commented much

on the situation, but my other friends have. My best friend is really sad about because she is pushing her away and refuses to talk to her.

[fricasseed_gourmet_rat]

34. I sort of disagree.

I recently turned 21. I absolutely still consider myself capable of making "youthful indiscretions," and 21 is certainly not too old to grow up a little and realize that you've put yourself in a huge mess. It'd make it even worse if my friends started abandoning me because I'd made some bad decisions and they gave it a "you're an adult, I can't help you" sort of attitude.

[eyesroll]

35. That's not what I meant --

Be there for your friend. If she asks for help, offer it.

I'm not saying abandon her -- I am saying don't meddle in her personal life beyond, perhaps, an "are you nuts?" or some such.

[Boredtodeath]

2. It's her life. Butt out.

You may not agree. You may not like it.

But she's an adult. Butt out.

[Thtwudbeme]

43. Bingo

What the poster needs to figure out is: Does she want to be friends with a person like this?

Stephanie

:hi:

[Maddy McCall]

3. She gets no pity from me. The way she handled telling the wife...

shows me that your friend deserves no pity.

[nini]

9. I agree.. that was evil to do that

To be honest I hope she gets hurt 10 times worse than the wife. :grr:

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

15. It isn't clear from the OP whether the "unwitting mistress" was among

the ones that looked the guy up and contacted the wife. Clarifications are in order.

[nini]

20. The friend was in on meeting the wife though

I know someone that had 'the mistress' confront her.. I wanted to hunt that bitch down and kick her ass. it's bad enough you're screwing around with someone's husband but to confront the wife.. regardless of whether she knew or not sucks.

[Maddy McCall]

25. Sounds almost like "Fatal Attraction" to me.

:scared:

[Bunny]

46. I agree. Why on earth did she have to tell the wife what was going

on? Way to go - ruin the wife and kids' life. Hope everyone feels better now. Sheesh.

[RethugAssKicker]

4. Just be there for her when she falls.

And, yes you are a very nosy friend, but you are indeed a friend.

[Lochloosa]

5. You wrote your own answer

my friends and I being nosy and somewhat immature,

[RagingInMiami]

6. Experience makes the person wiser

But intrusive friends make the person resentful.

[nini]

7. Stay out of it.. She's gonna get burned and has no one to blame

but herself.

You'll help her best by letting her learn a very tough lesson. To be honest with you I think it's crappy she confronted the wife - it wasn't her place to do that and to carry on with the man after is very evil.


btw: welcome to DU.

[MrScorpio]

8. Step back and let them work it out

It's for the best

[okieinpain]

10. speaking from experience (my mom) stay out of the way. she will

either swim or sink.

[redqueen]

11. There is nothing you can do. It's her life.

She will have to learn from her own mistakes. If she comes to you for advice, fine. Otherwise, just refrain from commenting on it.

[Blue_Tires]

12. i love the smell of trainwrecks in the morning

someone who this girl will listen to needs to intervene

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

13. For some reason I don't think that family needed much help breaking.

If anything, your friend may have done them a favor by precipitating things.

My spider sense says the situation is considerably less catastrophic than it looks.

[Jennos20]

16. I hope your right

I feel really bad for the kids.

[gardenista]

17. She showed her true colors when she went to the wife, and then took him in

She has created a horrible mess for everyone involved. Sounds like the wife is better off without him, and now she's stuck with him. Good. She deserves him.

You all need to stay out of it.

[Hobarticus]

18. No offense, but your friend is an immature pinhead...

You sound like you have your head screwed on straight, since you see what a fucked-up sitch this is. Dump her. Sounds cold, but life's too short to have destructive people like that around.

[Richardo]

19. Calling the wife was unforgivable

Let alone VISITING her. For Christ's sake, what gives you and your "nosy immature friends" the right?

Rule 1: What happens in a marriage is between the spouses ONLY. Not even the mistress has a right to intervene.

So now the kids are dealing with a broken family and you're the group that caused it. And don't say it was his cheating - the family may have broken up at some point because of his infidelity, but that would have been HIS doing, not yours. (see Rule 1 above)

Feel better?

[Jennos20]

22. First of all SHE called the wife

Second of all you think the family was better off with a cheating husband father who left them on thanksgiving to be with his new girlfriend? I am very upset with my friend who helped contribute to this broken family, but I do not think it is my fault in any way! That MAN has ruined not only his families life but also my friend.

[Richardo]

28. Cut the melodrama - her life is not 'ruined'

I bet 10-15 years from now this will be a barely-remembered and vaguely embarrassing incident. A 'youthful indiscretion'.

Now the kids who have had their family destroyed by a bunch of Heathers meddling where they have no business? THERE'S a lifetime impact.

As to your disclaimer about your involvement, I take from your own gramatically-challenged post:

my friends and I being nosy and somewhat immature, looked him up online and found out that he was still living with the wife and everything!

You WERE involved, even if you did not place the call or take the trip.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

[gardenista]

32. Hear hear.

I think we have a case of a bunch of little girls messing around with something much, much bigger than themselves.

[Bunny]

47. Yes! Thank you!

Everything you say is true. It's despicable that they called the wife.

[Richardo]

51. "Hoke? You're my best friend."

:hi:

[kwassa]

26. Calling the wife is quite forgivable

There are no "rules", and telling the truth is never a crime.

The broken family is NOT caused by talking to the wife, but by the husband's infidelity. That's all. The husband cheated, he bears the consequences. He is the proximate cause of the problem.

[Richardo]

30. Wrong. He's the root cause of the problem

The proximate cause was a group of nosy immature 'women' tracking down that poor woman to break up her family.

[kwassa]

40. We will never agree on this one in a thousand back-and-forths

The women didn't break up the family. That was a decision between the husband and wife. Neither had to act on the information from the women. That was the husband and wife's choice and their own will and desire.

I don't understand your orientation at all.

[Richardo]

42. My orientation is a grad of the school of 'Minding My Own Business"

The world would be a lot better off if more people were adherents.

And I do agree that we'll never agree on this. :)

[Floogeldy]

44. Agreed - Reminds of the Clinton blow job scandal.

Yea, it was all Bill's fault. :eyes:

Never mind the asshole republicans who splashed it all over the news and exploited it for political gain.

}(

[hfojvt]

27. I disagree with that

Any cause is coming from the first cause - his infidelity. Although in a sense that could have an earlier cause, which I hesitate to mention. I would follow a simple rule on that - never start a sexual relationship with somebody until you have met his/her parents or siblings.

[gardenista]

31. Good advice on starting a sexual relationship.

But I still think that going to the wife was a bad move.

[eyesroll]

38. How old are you?

Your guidelines seem a bit unrealistic for anyone who doesn't live with their parents.

Gads, if I'd waited until I'd met a parent/sibling with my BF, I'd have waited until July. (We started dating last November.)

My BF's father lives in Texas.
His mother is dead.
His sister lives in New Mexico.

We live in Wisconsin.

I met his not-quite-ex-wife (they'd been separated for more than a year and had both started dating others months earlier) that December, though. Does that count?

[hfojvt]

45. I have not lived with my parents

for two decades now, but I have a sister who is only an hour away.

November to July does not sound like a huge wait to me, but I also feel that if meeting the parents was a condition, that a guy would make it possible somehow, even if they were in Afghanistan. Meeting an ex-wife would certainly count too.

I am still enough of a traditionalist though, to cringe when someone calls an SO a BF or a GF. Especially if they are co-habitating and/or have kids. I am old, and old-fashioned.

[eyesroll]

62. Heh...I hate BF too, but it's an easy internet abbreviation.

(SO isn't a particularly traditional phrase, though.)

I'm not much of a traditionalist. I don't do the parent thing (especially if it involves an expensive plane ticket and using up vacation time) unless it's going somewhere...still, *a* veracity test is generally not a bad idea.

[MountainLaurel]

49. Um, HE caused the broken family

If he wanted to keep them, perhaps he should have kept his dick where it belonged.

[LostinVA]

50. Give me a break

She had every right to tell the wife -- that is one thing she did that was brave and honest. The woman deserved to know. As did the OP's friend -- he lied and used them both.

What happens in a marriage is only between the spouses if NO ONE ELSE is involved. He involved th OP's friend by lying to her and screwing her.

Jesus! Your post ticks me off. THEY didn't cause the family's breakup, HE did with his lies and wayward dick.

"Feel better"? That was snotty. No reason for it.

OP: your friend is wronga and crazy for taking him back, but there;s nothing you can do. NOTHING. I'm 41, and have had several friends do stuff like this. They'll learn, sooner or later, but they'll be burnt because of it. Just be there, if possible, for when the fall comes.

[jmm]

53. I wouldn't go that far but it looks like

the mistress got exactly what she wanted. After she found out he was married she stayed with him. Then she with the support of her friends ambushes his wife and she still stays with him. I can see a mistress telling the wife under some circumstances but she told because she wanted to break up that marriage so she could have him to herself. I'd want to know if a man was cheating on me but I'd also want to know that some chick and her "nosy immature friends" didn't think they could toy with my life for their own gain.

[gardenista]

66. Ambush is exactly the word.

Little assholes.

[johnnie]

21. Even if you didn't butt out, she wouldn't listen

Trust me, there is nothing you can do. I had a similar experience recently with a friend and we are in our 40s. I knew she wouldn't listen but I tried to help. Mostly I just sat back and watched her screw herself up.

The more you talk to her about it the more she will resent you and try to prove everyone wrong. I hope she pulls through.

[matcom]

23. this may actually be better than MY flamewar!

:popcorn:

and for the record, your friend is a bitch for telling the wife (IMHO)

[greatauntoftriplets]

63. If you share the popcorn, I'll share the...

:beer:

[MarianJack]

24. STAY OUT!

He's hurt his family, he'll hurt your friend!

Some lessons have to be learned by the learner!

[Sanity Claws]

29. Why come to DU with this?

Write to the current Dear Abby.
Better yet, your friend should write to Dear Abby. If she doesn't, that means she doesn't want advice. Butt out.

[hunter]

39. matcom is more fun than dear abby

:eyes:

[tjdee]

33. SHE did NOT break up that family.

HE DID.

She is not "messing with a family". HE IS.

She is NOT the reason this marriage/family is in this state. HE IS.

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. She was roped in by this married man, told lies by this married man--and I bet he is STILL telling her lies. Your friend is "doing this" because she has been fed a line by this guy and is in love with him.

She is stupid to stay with him and believe him after everything that's happened, but those kids and his wife are NOT her responsibility. I am of the mind that if someone knows a woman is being cheated on, they should *tell her* so that she is on the same playing field as everyone else. I don't think you've given us enough information to say whether your friend did it in a disrespectful manner or for dumb motives (like 'maybe she'll kick him out and come live with me').

I don't know why people are so quick to bash the "other". It's ridiculous. Your friend wasn't married. Your friend didn't seek him out.

[hunter]

36. Handcuff the guy to a urinal, rip off his clothes, and kick him until...

...oops, wrong story.

At some point your friend will hurt you to the point that she is no longer your friend, or she will reach rock bottom and ask you for your help.

Be strong, and be there.

[SoCalDem]

37. Three possible outcomes..

1. your friend will get pregnant to "hold on to him"
2. he will decide he wants his family back and go home
3. he will divorce his wife, dump your friend and find a "new one"

She will do what SHE wants.. She's not 15..She will eventually see the light, and hopefully before there's a baby involved.. he does not sound like much of a dad

[Metta]

41. The more you push, the further you drive the wedge between you.

Saving isn't what this is about for her and she apparently doesn't want to hear it from you. ... hard to stand by and see people make monumentally bad choices. It's always okay to voice your opinions as long as you don't expect her to get saved by your witnessing.

[Jennos20]

48. Thanks for the advice

I apprciated everyone's opionion.

[warrens]

52. Some women are proud of themselves

The guy chose HER (even if only because the wife kicked his worthless ass out) so that makes her a WINNER.

[bigwillq]

54. Let her learn her lesson

all on her own. There's not much you can do.

Anyway, Welcome to DU! :hi:

[Giant Robot]

55. The more you try to intervene

the stronger her will to keep him around. Lived through that one myself. You can be clear you do not support this decision, but offer to be there if she needed to talk about it. Then let it drop and let her be a big girl in this. I know it's hard to let someone fall on their face, especially someone you care about, but it will most likely have to be this way.

My response to other posters saying that she ruined this family. Do you all really think this family was in great shape and going to survive without her confronting the wife? Do you really think she is the first, or only, mistress? I'm not omniscient, but I would suspect there have been others, and will be others still if he marries again. I'm sorry for the wife and kids, the victims here, but I do not blame the friend as the evil one. He did this knowing all the facts. She may have just hastened the break up. And I am sorry for that.

[skygazer]

56. You cannot save anyone but yourself

You cannot save your friend.

You can and probably should tell her that you're there for her but you feel she's making a big mistake with this guy but be aware that she may take that as a judgment on her and pull away from you as a friend. Assholes have that affect.

Besides that, you should butt out. She will very likely have to become miserable and desperate before she comes to her senses. That, unfortunately, is how people learn.

[sendero]

57. I'm guessing you are pretty young...

... you will learn over time that you can never save someone from themselves.

This girl is in love, and it won't matter what you do - she is not changing course until the (probably) inevitable happens and the dude books or whatever.

If you lecture her, you will only lose her friendship. Stand back and try to be there for her when she crashes. :(

[diplomats]

60. Why would you want somebody

like her for a friend?:think:

[sendero]

64. I'm guessing..

... you are pretty young too :)

[SOteric]

58. You don't need advice, your friend does. And she's not asking.

Truly, her choices, her life, her mistakes and none of your beeswax.

[BlueIris]

59. Woah, there. Didn't realize we'd traveled back in time to 1953.

"(S)he is messing with a family here."

The person with the commitment is the person responsible for maintaining the commitment. The person who ruined that guy's family is...that guy. Even you admit your friend didn't know he was married until he told her--though, for some perverse reason that doesn't stop you from blaming her, with all of the baseless, unjustifiable judgment that puritanical sexism will permit you. Way to be supportive of your "friend," by the by. No one MADE this guy leave his wife and kids, that was and always will be on HIM. Also? Why would anyone think otherwise? Oh, right, a woman sleeping with a man she isn't married to without getting punished for it is always the bad person! Especially if the guy she didn't know was married when the affair started actually IS married so others can have an excuse for their judgments! How could I have forgotten that?

You do realize it's the 21st century right? Not 1953, not 1895, nothing like that? Don't you have some of your own problems to work on? Homework? College applications? Doing your toe nails?

[khashka]

61. Back off.

It's really none of your business.

If she's making a mistake... well, some exceptionally wise people learn from others, but most of us only learn from our own bad decisions.

If she's not making a mistake, then your interference is hugely unwelcome.

Stay her friend. If she's fucking up, she's gonna need a friend. And if she's not, she'll be grateful to have someone in her life who didn't judge her.

Khash.

[Horse with no Name]

65. To start with

He is the one that is ruining his family. He lied. He sought a young mistress and he continues to lie to all of them.
That is his burden...not your friend's.
Your friend's burden is that she has to understand that if he did it to one woman, odds are he will do it to her.
If she is willing to play the game with odds like that, then it is her game.
You can't save her from herself. Only she can.
You want to be her friend?
Be there for her when this all crashes down...not with "I told you so"...but with "I am sorry" and lots of chocolate ice cream.
Your friend will learn her lesson the hard way, but it isn't your lesson to teach.
Nothing you can say will change the course...however, the more you and others hate what she is doing, the more she will do it.