I'm afraid of people

[Deja Q]

I always look and act apprehensive. Is it because I find it difficult to relate to people, can't think of things to talk about, and therefore get all flustered? Am I worried they may take advantage of me or worse?

How do I reverse the trend, before it's too late?

[Kamika]

1. excercise

Get muscles, get fit, hang out at the coolest nightclubs and drink alot.

[Deja Q]

4. Hmmm

I am out of shape...

Trouble is, having seen scores of personal ads where the people look perfect and only want perfect looking people, that is something I don't want to become.

[Kamika]

6. why not

You'd feel better, and get much better confidence in yourself

[nuxvomica]

18. This is very good advice

Lifting weights especially will build your confidence. An intense workout where you push your body to its limits will give you a momentary loss of ego and after a while you'll probably have a better prespective. All kinds of chemical changes happen in the brain from physical exercise. The mind needs a rest or it will eat away at itself.

[Demobrat]

2. Just always remember one thing.

They're more scared of you than you are of them.

[salinen]

3. call

a local councelor or psychologist, these feeling won't disapear overnight and could be alleviated with anti-depressants. we need you here.

[Deja Q]

24. Thanks!

I'm not planning on killing myself, certainly not yet anyway! I need to learn to adapt myself to society, that's all...

[scucci]

5. I used to think that I was afraid

then I realized that I just don't like most people. Maybe you're the same?

[fishnfla]

7. Walk around naked

try it more often. Really builds up your self confidence.

ON edit: Oh shit, I meant to mean when you're home alone, walk around that way, *sheeze*, sorry. It does though, ask Ben Franklin

[bloom]

8. Is it any easier if you talk to other people

who are afraid of people?



Being rather shy - I found it easier to talk with other shy people. Not as intimidating.

On the other hand - people who really know how to carry a conversation can make things easier.

People who can talk for hours without you getting a word in - probably aren't very helpful.



Finding people with similar interests - where you have things you really want to talk about can be easier than the bar scene, I think.

[latebloomer]

9. It can help to focus on the other person

Ask them questions about themselves, draw them out. Most people's favorite subject is themselves, and it takes the heat off you.

[Doc_Technical]

10. It is never too late!

Perhaps you give people more credit than they are due?

Most people hide their insecurities better than you
because they've had more practice.

Good luck to you.

[newyawker99]

17. Hi Doc_Technical!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[nuxvomica]

19. Shhhhhh! You're revealing the great secret!

Welcome to DU, Doc. :-)

[Nikia]

11. I wish that you were here

We could hang out and get you to open up more. I've always had problems with being shy but I am learning that there is no reason to be afraid of people. I thought that I learned in college, but had to rediscover it when I stepped out of my comfort zone. I don't know what you are thinking so I cannot answer those specific questions.
One thing I leanred from my anxiety support group is that you shouldn't feel pressured to talk. Let them talk. Talk only if you want to. Don't assume that you know what people are thinking and don't take everything personally.
From my best friend, I learned that it is best to always view people as your equals. Some may have different strengths and weaknesses than you but you are equal as people. This will take pressure off of you if you are used to thinking of yourself as more important than others. It will empower you to not think that are beneath anyone if you are used to thinking of others as more important than yourself. This may sound obvious but I found myself doing one or the other based on my mood and who I was talking to.
When you meet someone for the first time, remember that they probably know nothing about you and probably wish nothing for you one way or the other.
Yes, some people will hurt you sometimes. That is why you should take friendship slow , but always move towards it if that is a possibility. You seem fine on this message board. You can work towards fine in person as well. Also, remember that some people won't like you, but you won't like all people either.

[Deja Q]

22. Thanks!

I appreciate the sentiment!

And the reality of the situation.

I will try to open up more in the future and to 'chill'. And see a new shrink, who might diagnose me differently...

[mlawson]

12. I'm not good in some social sitations.

I hve a HELL of a time, with certain people, thinking of something to say. So I do not force it, I would rather remain silent, than to babble nonsense. Some persons are just quiet; it's okay.

You won't get flustered if you do not force yourself to talk. Just smile and nod, sometimes that gets people's curiosity going about you far better than blabbing.

[Jackhammer Jesus]

13. Could be social anxiety, or just shyness.

Social anxiety can be caused by a number of reasons. Some forms can be overcome through treatment (medicine, therapy) or, if it's only minor, by building self-confidence in social situations.

I think the most important thing for you to do is get yourself out in social situations and basically force yourself, no matter how awkward you may feel, to interact with people - either people you see often but rarely speak to, or total strangers. It's not too difficult to make conversation without relating to people or having any significant topic of discussion. However brief the conversation may be, you should be able to gradually build your confidence in yourself and your ability to interact with others. If you can having meaningful conversations with people here at DU, after all, you surely can interact with others in person.

If you find yourself entirely unable to approach people, and feel major stress in social situations (even when you aren't interacting with anyone), then you might have a case of social phobia, which is treatable.

Regardless of the cause, it CAN be overcome. Best of luck to you. :D

[Skip Intro]

14. Since you're sharing this, so will I

I have the same, sometimes paralysing episodes when around others. Not always, but regularly - since first grade, I think.

When I force myself to participate in certain situations during these spells, even with the benifit of the inhibition-lessening alcohol (and the like), I've been told I come across as stuck-up or just plain old strange. And the fact that I know this is happening while its happeneng just spirals the whole thing downward. I just left a favorite hangout of mine for this very reason - said bye to no one, just got up and left. What's even wierder is, sometimes that severe panic isn't there at all in the same exact situations. Its kind of free floating.

You're not alone, man. That's about all I can tell you. I don't know what the solution is, and I have very vague ideas about what the cause could be. I know when I see a commercial for Paxil or Zoloft, I think to myself, "that's what I need." I don't have insurance, and I really, really don't want to go to some county mental-health clinic, so I deal with it the best I can. If it were constant, I'd have to do something about it, for sure.

Let me ask you, since you're bringing this up, do you ever experience different "phases" of this whatever it is? Sometimes I'm so restrained by it that I avoid contact with friends and acquaitances completely. But when the "manic" (I don't know that's what it is, I just call it that) phase sets in, I LOVE it. I can almost walk on water, and my friends and acquaintances are enthralled with me. I can make elaborate plans for my life, and am inspired and creative to the extreme. Its a cycle. Do you experience that as well?

[Deja Q]

23. Thank you for sharing

What you've said does indeed ring a bell...

As for drugs, they may not work or give you side-effects which will stay with you forever. Paxil never did for me, and it gave me an OCD (I started pulling out my hair). Zoloft is Wellbutrin. That helped my ADD, but I developed a nasty side-effect (left side of my body twitches/seizures at times, usually when fatigued and sitting/lying down). Upon quitting Zeloft/wellbutrin, the side-effect went away for over a year. But it returned on its own, this side-effect. Trust me, while the drug may alleviate the symptom, you'll get something nasty in return. And with some side-effects becoming permanent apparently, you're probably better off without them. Society needs to work more on tolerance than a quick cure-all pill that isn't cure-all nor quick.

As for it being a cycle of phases, yes. At times I just want to cower in the corner and avoid all contact. Even when I want to go out to be social. I couldn't even look people in the eyes at a small shop I occasionally visit the last time I was there, but I thought going out would help me... Whoops. But life is great when the 'manic' phase kicks in. Great for me though, I end up coming across as a hyperactive kid.

[On the Road]

15. Believe Me, I Know the Feeling

and the suggestion of seeing a counselor is a good one if you get the right person. Key is having a good relationship involving mutual respect with a good listener. That's what MSW's are paid to do, but some are better than others. (I've had both.) A lot of medical plans will pay for it outside of a small copay -- the professional can usually come up with a description that the insurance company will accept.

I was so afraid of people in high school, it threatened to destroy my life. I had to devote major portions of my life to changing that pattern with good but not total success.

One thing I needed was a group I could be with and be accepted and feel good with. Even the chess club or a church young people's group. Made a big difference. (I even temporarily became an evangelical Christian when I was 17. Not exactly recommending this unless you're already inclined, but the openness and love were actually very healing for me.)

I had a ton of blue-collar jobs when I was young. Many of them, like driving taxis, waiting on tables, and being a short-order cook, forced me to be with a variety of other people in certain well-defined ways and provided ways to relate to a variety of people.

I eventually looked for a career that would force me to be in touch with people in a constructive way. Not sales (hated that and couldn't do it). Not counseling (too morose and isolated), I ended up going to business school. (Might do something different in retrospect, but that was the idea.)

I've had a nice stable job with a large company ("Verizon") for a long time. I've done well in positions with a lot of contact with others, but in where people came to me when they needed help to get something done. That works for me. The human context is important. A year ago I got transferred into an isolated reporting job and almost had a meltdown.

A lot of it's just finding the right social context or a job or other role that works for you. At least that's my experience. This is a big thing. It can get better and be very rewarding. But it takes thought, planning, and perseverence.

[NNN0LHI]

16. None of the posts you have made here suggested that problem?

Is it just when you see other people in person, or does it happen here on DU too. I have never noticed it. You have always struck me as very outgoing and friendly on the boards. No hint of apprehensiveness at all. Good luck. I am sure you will beat it. Keep trying and never give up. That is the key I think?

Don

[Deja Q]

21. In person only. For a reason I am unable to fathom, my "net persona" is..

considerably different, almost the anti-thesis of my real life persona (in terms of sociability, my political viewpoints and moral and amoral tendencies will never waver unless I am confronted with hard facts to the contrary.)

Perhaps in time I will open up to people in the real world. Or to create dialogue rather than simply react to it.

[Astarho]

20. I'm the same way

I'm not comfortable in large social situations and can feel more alone in a crowd than I do in the wilderness in the middle of nowhere by myself. I've tried playing the game and have always felt different and excluded. For example, most things other people are interested in I find boring as hell, and vice versa (try finding a 20-something girl as interested in Indo-European linguistics as I am).

Then I said Fuck it I don't care anymore. Why set myself up for rejection? Yeah I wish I had sex over the last mmph years, but ultimatly, I don't care that much. I think there are periods in life which can last years where some just don't feel like being around other people.

My advice, don't force yourself to "be social", because (in my experiance) all it does is make you feel worse.

[JohnKleeb]

25. Sigh hypno I am the same way

I wouldnt say I am afraid of people but I have a hard time too. You are not alone thats for sure.

[scottcsmith]

26. Me too

Strangers really make me uncomfortable. As in it causes a panic attack. For me it's part of a generalized anxiety disorder. I even hate the thought of potentially meeting someone new. I avoid like crazy, which actually isn't good from a mental health point of view.

Behavioral modification therapy might be an option, if the problem has gotten to a point where it interferes with your daily life.

[put out]

27. I've been reading your posts for a long time.

You sound good to me. That free-floating anxiety is indeed a very distressing way to feel. You say you have a diagnosis? I hope you are finding the help you need. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiolytics (hope I spelled that correctly) are a very mixed bag, but can be salvation for some folks especially when used along with some form of therapy. I am just repeating what many here have said, and they are giving some good advice.

Just remember, you are not as weird as you think you are, and everyone else is weirder than you think they are.

[FlaGranny]

28. My first suggestion would be - READ everything

you can get your hands on. Learn a little about everything. Like others have told you, ask people questions about themselves. If you have a well-rounded knowledge base you will always be able to think of something to say. Don't force yourself though. If you can't immediately think of anything to say to start a conversation, asking questions works every time.

I used to be extremely shy and sometimes I'm not wild about other people and would like to be alone, but over the years I've come out of my shell and now find it easy to start conversations with complete strangers, just for the heck of it.

Edit: I used to be so shy that I always imagined that everyone was looking at me or talkling about me. It was sometimes excruciating. I don't really know how I grew out of that, but I eventually did. Just the other night I went to a homeowners meeting for the first time and knew I would know hardly anyone there. I just walked in, smilled at anyone who caught my eye, and sat down. I asked a question during the meeting, and someone came up to me afterward to offer more information, and we had a conversation about the issue. If no one had spoken to me, I would have just gone out the same way I came in, with a smile and a nod. If you want to talk to people and you can't initiate it, just be approachable in your demeanor.