Update: My son is still very much alive

[MissMillie]

But he's not going to be a very happy camper for a while.

Recap: My son has been slacking off big-time at school. Skipping whole days and getting Ds (he has always demonostrated the ability for honor-roll work).

I came home, asked him if there was anything I needed to know: are you on drugs? Is someone bullying you or worse (sexually abusing you?)? Did you get a girl pregnant?

He started w/ a sarcastic answer about planning a terrorist attack and I stopped him in his tracks: "I'm being serious and I'm giving you the opportunity to explain to me why you're in the serious trouble I think you're in."

I told him I new about the missed school days, the incomplete in his geometry class, the Ds in his other classes, etc.

And then I asked him again if he thought he might have a good "excuse" for all this. He said "no."

(Later on during the conversation he admitted that he has been having trouble sleeping, not so much getting to sleep, but staying asleep. I'll call the doctor Monday to see if I can get him an appointment to deal w/ this.)

So... right now he's in his room packing up all his DBZ cards, and disconnecting all his audio/video equipment.

He missed an ROTC drill meet today, and will not be allowed to go back to drill practice until I atleast see and improvement on his effort.

His phone priviledges have been suspended, and I just changed the password on his internet account so he cannot log on w/o my being home.

He was supposed to go to a hockey game next Friday w/ a friend. That has been cancelled.

I'm going to meet w/ the guidance counselor this coming week and ask that his teachers email or fax his assignments to me so that I can check to make sure they're all done. And I'm asking for weekly progress reports from them all.

He can earn his way back to his cushy life by meeting his responsibilites at school, and keeping his room picked up.

And by never lying to me again. I can't tell you how many times I asked about school only to get "fine" and "I'm doing well".

He's abused my trust for the last time.


edit: spelling

[Kamika]

1. I wish my parents had been like you

I know I will be like you are.. my parents had way too much trust in me..

Ok I turned out great anyway but that's another story :)

[SoCalDem]

2. Boy does that ring a bell..

Teenagers are very difficult people sometimes.. I will keep my fingers crossed for you..

Those little ninnies don't get the connection of school and their futures..

We always used to joke about how much fun it would be to work at K-Mart whenever one of ours came home with crappy grades..:)

They would always talk about the great cars they were going to get and the fancy stereo stuff they wanted, and I would always remind them that if they had a crappy job when they were grown up, they would never be able to have any of the things they wanted..

[MissMillie]

5. Well, this is how I put it to him

W/ good grades he will have opportunities, not guarantees, but opportunities.

Then I said to him, if he blows it now, there's no way to go back an re-do this.

I asked him if this was a lesson that he wanted to learn when it was "too late" to fix it.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Sounds like an appropriately loving response!

Kudos to you for your courage and your willingness to take tough and difficult actions toward your son.

I do hope the problem is a simple medical condition, easily cured, and that all be well afterward, though I imagine it will be more than that.

You are teaching him an incredibly important and good lesson about personal responsbility (a lesson that republicans could learn from, methinks). Well done, and I applaud yuor strength to take the tough action!

[JitterbugPerfume]

4. Good luck to you

Raising children is the hardest job there is . Some day he will thank you for loving him so much

[MissMillie]

6. I always say that the Army had it wrong

Parenting is the toughest job you'll ever love.

[SammyWinstonJack]

34. And unfortunately kids don't come with instruction manuals

Good luck! I raised two sons,the teenage years were the hardest.

[Occulus]

16. or he might HATE her.

read my post below. His 'misbehavior' could very easily be the ravings of a severely overprotective, overdemanding, and perfectionist parent.

Like my mom, this poster could very well be seeing a single "D" and one or two skipped days as a 'severe problem'. She's also doing wrong by punishing first and then trying to find out what's wrong.

"Now that I've taken away everything, will you do as I say?" is a very familiar subject for me. If she keeps this up past when/if the kid goes to college, well... it won't be a pretty relationship later on down the line.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I was a damn near perfect teenager, and I still got the shaft- bigtime. And I'll never forgive either of my parents for it.

At some point, you have to throw your hands in the air and just make clear that he's old enough to deal with his own consequences. Left to my own devices, I very likely would have been able to turn around my college GPA, which was damaged by more than a full point by failing two classes I'd taken.

They told me it was a 'waste of their money' for me to retake those classes. Yeah, thanks a lot, mom and dad. My future is a 'waste of money' to you. Know what they did immediately after pulling funding for school because it was 'too expensive' for them to 'fund failure'? They wrote a frilling check for a Lincoln Town Car!!

So, yes, I resent them both and I'll feel nothing but relief when that bitch that calles herself a "mother" is in the ground. Maybe then I can live my life without getting punished for doing it my way.

[MissMillie]

29. not a single "D" and a few missed days

D's in History, English, Biology
an "Incomplete" in Geometry
a VERY low C in Spanish
a low B in Band

This is a student who has demonstrated ability to do honor roll work.

I have only memory of him working on a homework assignment this term. I've asked him repeatedly about homework. He LIED to me.

He has missed 13 days of school in the first quarter (he's only allowed 20 for the year--or they will FAIL him and he'll have to do this year over again).

I've asked him about how school is going... I get "fine" and "I'm doing okay." This is a LIE.

He never once said, "Mom, I'm having trouble. I think it's because I'm not getting enough sleep."

If he needs help w/ that, he's going to get it. But I think he needs to learn that he needs to communicate w/ me BEFORE things get out of hand--before the grades go down the tubes and the attendence becomes a problem.

When we first moved to this town 4 years ago, we ran into a problem w/ him not doing homework and getting bad grades. We worked on it together. He was punished, but he was also watched like a hawk. I made the mistake of thinking that 4 years being passed, I was able to trust that he was mature enough not to let it happen again.

I was obviously wrong.

I'm AMAZED that the school never contacted me about missed days.

[jsaro]

7. From one mom to another

I have a difficult teenage son, too. Please consider that your son might be depressed. Believe me, I fully understand your anger and disappointment with him. But he may be hurting very badly. Slacking off at school is bad, but there are so many worse things. Depression can kill. You might consider giving him a relatively easy way to earn some small pleasures, like his hockey game or his phone privileges. By removing all pleasures in hopes of "teaching him a lesson," you may inadvertently remove all hope.

I don't pretend to know the details of your situation, I'm just speaking to you as a mom who's been there.

[MissMillie]

9. Gotcha... I'll tie that in w/ his visit at the doctor

since depression is a medical condition, she may be able to determine if this is an issue.

[mopinko]

22. more than family doc might be needed

sssooooo been there done that. my so bright but unable to hold it together child starts an intensive therapy/medical treatment on monday after finally figuring out that she is probably bi-polar. she has been to every kind of doc over the last few years, and been seeing a therapist for the last year. she just kept getting more and more out of control. there has always been a big gap between what she could do and what she would do, especially concerning school work.
basically, i am saying, get this kid worked up by a mental health professional. i think the sleep thing can be a big indicator, and contributor to being unable to function. it is an issue for so many kids, even the pretty normal ones. but i tell ya, it is tough to raise kids these days. i'm sure it always has been, but it doesn't seem possible to get them through adolesence without psychotropic drgus any more.

[MissMillie]

33. If it's needed, I will

but one step at a time.... ruling out the easy stuff first. If fixing the sleeping thing doesn't help, we'll go beyond that. Trust me, I won't drop the ball on this.

I suffer from 3 sleeping disorders and take meds for depression. I'm all over this.

[LizW]

8. Good for you

As a mother of much beloved sons, I know how hard this must be for you. But you are doing exactly the right things. And believe me, no matter what he says, your son knows deep down inside that you're doing these things out of pure mother's love.

He'll thank you someday.

[Booberdawg]

10. Way to go, mom

:thumbsup:

Incidently, I used to have the same problem with sleeping - not with going to sleep, but staying to sleep. I'd wake up dozens of times - it could be exhausting and this went on for years, especially if i was stressed or worried about something. (which was often).

For the past 11 years or so I have taken antidepressants, and one I take at bedtime (one of those serotonin re-uptake drugs) stops that problem of waking up all the time, and I have never had that problem since. Makes ALL the difference in the world!

Maybe he just has something on his mind he doesn't want to talk about, and it keeps him awake, but at least you've taken some action and he knows he must take some steps in a positive direction himself. Good luck, and I wish you and your son the best.

:hi:

[Occulus]

18. Punishing someone

for what's essentially, at the root of it, possibly a medical problem is just... wrong. Unethical. Emotionally damaging to the kid. Etc. Etc.

She should find out what's really going on before heaping punishment on him! The root cause of the behavior may well be something that he can't do anything about on his own!

I hope she has the maturity to apologize to him if that is what it turns out to be.

[MissMillie]

32. FWIW

kgf, my son admits that his behavior is not acceptable. He admits that 1) he lied to me multiple times; 2) he has not put in his best efforts 3) he has his priorities screwed up.

[SoCalDem]

11. One more thing...

Learn about his friends.. Our middle son was a "scum magnet".. He delighted in picking the most horrid kids to be friends with.. Of course the choices HE made were HIS to make, but if there is any chance that he has hooked up with some "underachievers", he may be acting like them to gain their acceptance..

[DemExpat]

12. Isn't it tough,MissMillie?

Been there too - 5 years ago.

My son hated school since pre-school days, so it was years and years of misery, fights, feigning sickness, etc....depression.

We weathered it out, and, surprise, surprise, Tom is happy as a lark now working full time managing the kitchen of a restaurant here kind of like an Appleby's in the US....

He's NEVER sick, leaves the house whistling every morning, and loves his work, colleagues, taking pride in his kitchen. Makes good money...

I think you are handling it just right.....it was hard with our son not to get furious with him or to be too accommodating to his unhappiness.

We talked to a youth psychologist about the problem, but did not take him in (he refused) and did not ever consider putting him on medication....

Best of luck!

DemEx

[Occulus]

13. wow

"Later on during the conversation he admitted that he has been having trouble sleeping, not so much getting to sleep, but staying asleep. I'll call the doctor Monday to see if I can get him an appointment to deal w/ this."

And won't you feel terrible punishing him like this if the doctor tells you there's a behavioral problem- say a chemical imbalance- that is causing these 'problems'? Maybe something he can do nothing about on his own?

The message he'd be getting is that you're punishing him for being sick. That, and his telling you he fine and nothing happened, I'm all right, etc.... hey, been there, done that. From personal experience giving those exact responses to those exact questions, I'd say he may not trust you too terribly much to begin with, just from what you've written.

Heaping punishment on the kid will only make him resent you in the long run. Me, for example: I hate my mom. Yes, hate. After getting a 3.85 GPA in high school, graduating with both cords in the NHS, scoring a 27 on my ACT, and getting an oboe scholarship to college... my mom kicked me out of the house when she found out I'm gay. Then, when I did poorly in two classes at college, both parents told me I'd have to improve my grades oe they would stop helping me pay for school- while at the same time telling me I couldn't retake the classes I'd bombed in so I could improve my college GPA. I couldn't easily improve it without retaking those classes, the GPA stayed low, and I ended up leaving school because my parents followed through with their threat.

I have a whole plateful of issues related to being severely overpunished for trifling shortcomings as a child and young adult. If I ever had skipped a class or two in high school, well, I just can't see doing that having any impact at all at this point, ten years later, especially considering how hard I worked back then, and for such little gain. I'd like nothing more than to never, ever speak to that bitch that calls herself a "mother" ever again. After doing without question nearly everything that was ever asked of me growing up, after I bought all the lies, I got repaid by having my future stolen from me by the very people who once promised "never to hurt you" and would "always be there for you".

These same people who preached and preached about "if at first you don't succeed, try try again!" wouldn't let me try again when it was important. These people who called themselves "parents" allowed me to go homeless on campus (literally) rather than "let" me move back in with them when I was in the position of having no home. For weeks I bounced from friends dormroom to friend's dormroom, never knowing for sure where my next meal would come from, not knowing if I would even have a bed to sleep in at night. This, and I still had a job at the time, and I was still going to classes, while homeless. For all that effort, I got nothing at all in return.

These people who called themselves "parents" shattered every promise they ever made to me. In the past nine years, my mom (the only surviving parent) has seen the inside of where I live exactly five times and has called me once in the past year. Yet she has the gall to complain that it's "been five weeks" since I saw her last (this from the last time I was there). I even have to go to her house to celebrate my birthday.

Just a few words to the wise. Overpunishment- repeatedly- will eventually make him hate you if you keep doing it over and over again, especially if there's something physical going on that is causing him to misbehave.

I'm only trying to avert someone else eventually being in the position I am. No one should have to deal with what I've gone through with my parents, especially my mom.

[SoCalDem]

14. Give yourself permission to "let her go"...

Toxic parents do happen (I had TWO of them), and you cannot let it eat you up.. You will feel better if you just "graduate" from her existence.. You will have to accept that she will not take it well, but it's what YOU have to do to feel good about yourself..

Write her a LONG letter.. spill it all out... and then DON'T mail it..

When she contacts you, just accept it as you would from a casual acquaintance..

It's hard at first, but sometimes it's what will save your life :)

[Occulus]

20. Oh, I intend

to address her by her first name from here on out. She's not worthy of the appellation "mother" anymore.

[MissMillie]

19. I suspect

that sleeping problems may be PART of the equation, but not all. He gets himself up at 4:30 am to go to ROTC drill team practice. If he were THAT sleep deprived, he wouldn't be able to do that.

[Occulus]

21. He's in high school?

And he's getting up at 4:30? I hope he's over 18....

Hey, at least he gets up. When I was that age, you could pry me out of bed that early. Of course, now that I work 2nd shift, I tend to stay up that early quite often, even at 28 years old.

One of these days that's gonna catch up to me.... ;)

[MissMillie]

31. ROTC drill practice at 6:00 a.m.

He gets up at 4:30 to shower and have breakfast before going. His ride picks him up 5:30.

School starts at 7:10

[liberalmuse]

27. I agree.

This past week was the first time I've ever grounded my daughter. It has been quite a shock for her. I will not tell my family or some of my friends what happened (described in another post) because they will jump all over me for not punishing her enough. They think I'm too easy on her, but don't find it odd that she gives me much less grief than their kids give them.

I don't agree with over punishment. My cousin used to punish her boy for the most minor infractions--such as, if he didn't co-operate by dancing with her when a song she liked came on, or if he got over-enthusiastic about wanting to eat a sweet roll before finishing his lunch. He was perpetually in the corner, and she wouldn't listen to me about lightening up on him. She's had a lot of problems with him. He is a very angry person--almost a danger to others, and to 'straighten up', he joined the military. At least her brother was able to tell her honestly when she asked him advice about having another baby, 'Please don't have any more kids. You aren't good with kids.'

[Character Assassin]

15. You've done the right thing.

Just one thing, however: help him pack the stuff up. There was no reason to trust him before, don't trust him now until he earns it.

[diamondsoul]

17. We haven't met before but I just had to say-

You are an AWESOME MOM! Seriously, reading the whole thread, you're obviously a very caring parent. I love seeing evidence that we're not alone in doing everything we can for our kids. Thanks for brightening my morning.

[jiacinto]

23. Good

Hopefully you an straighten him up.

[bandy]

24. I only wish

I had had your wisdom and strength when mine were teens. Not that they turned out bad but we did make some mistakes that affected their roles in life (2 very successful, 2 not so succesful but all good people). Tough love is a hard thing to practice but it is sure worth the effort. Good luck to both of you. I hope you both win.

[liberalmuse]

25. Teenagers are fun, aren't they?

I'm so with you. You've done the right thing with your son.

I dealt with similar stuff last year--down to the trouble with sleeping and all, and thought we had passed a rough period. It's been smooth sailing for some months now, until last week, that is. My daughter, who was supposed to be staying all night at her friend's house called me at 2:30 in the morning and asked if I could pick her up--in another town. Then the police officer got on the phone and gave me directions. I asked him if my daughter had been drinking, and he said, 'Yes'. While driving there, I had some really bad thoughts about having to ask her if she needed the morning after pill, counseling, or how long she had been lying to me about these type of things. When I got there, I found out some of the people at the party had bashed in windshields. My daughter was in the car with them, but didn't participate, but we all know she would be considered just as guilty as the window bashers because she did nothing to stop it other than, 'I don't feel right about this'. She told the officer she had had 3 sips of beer, and registered '0' on the breathelizer. She was honest with the police, so they did not charge her with anything and even said she was well-raised, though I have to disagree. I didn't raise her to sit in a car while others in her company destroyed property or go to a party in the middle of the night when she told me she'd be somewhere else.

Anyway, she didn't need the morning after pill and isn't ready to go on the pill just yet. I grounded her for a week from leaving the house (except for school) and a month from going to concerts or sleep overs. Believe me, I will be calling her friend's parents more consistently to ensure she is actually sleeping over.

Her friends were begging her to hang out with them last night, telling her they were all going to commit suicide if I didn't allow it and I said, 'No' but told her I would be sure and send condolences to her friends parents. I got hell for it the entire night with a dramatically sulking and non-responsive teenager--tears streaming and everything. I finally went on a rant and told her that the worst thing she lost wasn't being able to see her friends for a week--it was my trust, and that I thought she had more character than to do something like this, and to sit by and watch while someone was smashing up a windshield. Will it sink in? I don't know, but for her sake, I hope so. Teens!!!

[Booberdawg]

26. *chuckle*

"...telling her they were all going to commit suicide if I didn't allow it and I said, 'No' but told her I would be sure and send condolences to her friends parents."

I wouldn't want to be a teenager again for all the money in the world. ;-)

[liberalmuse]

28. Manipulative little sh*ts, aren't they?

I love her to death, but I will be SO GLAD when she is a young adult.

[MissMarple]

30. Good for you. Now, just try to keep a sense of humor if and when the

backlash sets in. You're doing the right thing.

[OKNancy]

35. Read all the replies...and

sometimes I think what is needed is more LOVE, not tough love.

Maybe I'm just lucky, but my two girls are great ( ages 31 & 19 )
I was talking to the 19 year old yesterday about how some of her friends scream and fight with their parents. She said she was lucky. Neither of my girls has ever been grounded for anything. Never had too.

It's a strange world, isn't it? I'm one of those permissive parents, and yet both my kids are well-adjusted and successful.
We have a great relationship, and lol my 31 year old still calls me Mommie.

If I had boys....geez who knows.

[Catshrink]

36. What's wrong with consequences?

I am a first year teacher and have had to deal with many discipline and behavior issues this semester. What an eye opener! I think at the root of all these situations are parents or previous teachers who didn't hold the kids accountable for their choices. If they choose not to study for a test, the consequence is a poor grade, not a retake. If they choose to act out in class, the consequence is a trip to the office and a phone call home.

MissMillie, you've made a hard choice and if I were one of your son's teachers I would be so relieved to see a parent do something! Even if it is a medical problem, that does not excuse lying and truancy.

As for the school.... Sounds like they aren't on the ball as far as attendance tracking goes. As far as the weekly progress reports go, well, that's a hard one. I have 130 kids -- if all parents wanted that it would be impossible! I do email some parents regularly. I also use an online grading program that will automatically send parents an email message that grades have been updated. Those parents who are Internet savvy love it and I've noticed a dramatic difference in the kids. Those who were lackadaisical about turning in assignments act like they've had a fire lit under their butts. Parents are on their case about completing work or email me for details.

Sorry, I got off the subject...

I wish the best for you and your son. I think my job is tough, but it's easy compared to what you and other parents must do. Thanks for doing something. You are doing what you think is best for him.

I remember feeling a lot of anger toward my parents in earlier years. An article I read changed this. The author wrote "don't think of your parents as almighty people who didn't give you what you needed. Think of your parents as limited people who did the best they could." That rang true for me.

Your son may or may not grow to appreciate what you have done, but, you will know that you did the best you knew how. Love yourself for that!

[marzipanni]

37. You want to let him be responsible,

but he is still needing your attention to his discipline, even though he doesn't want it. Oh, the trials and tribulations of the teen years!
I agree with jsaro and mopinko, you need to find out if your son is depressed. There is a psychiatrist near where I live, between San Francisco and Sacramento, who has done a lot of work with depression and Attention Deficit Disorder in adults and children. He does research using brain scans to determine that there are several distinctly different brain disorders and each can be healed with appropriate treatment, the key being to find the type of disorder one has. He wrote a book titled Healing the Hardware of the Soul. Here is a link to his website, which has a test for depression-

http://www.amenclinic.com/ac/addtests/subtype1.asp
(also google his name -Daniel Amen- for more information)
It's interesting that your son likes ROTC and diciplines himself to follow through on what that requires of him. Maybe the stricter parameters of what is and isn't accepted by ROTC help him, and your reasonable response will also help him focus on what he needs to do. No one wantsto be unsuccessful.
I remember my own teen years so well, and hope I can help my now 9 year old son through them. I'll be 56 when he turns 13! Ack!

[Catshrink]

38. Good point - maybe the kid needs structure.

The school where I did my student teaching had an ROTC program. It was amazing how some kids clung to it as a positive thing in their lives. Two of them had pretty turbulent home lifes and liked the constancy it offered. The others I think wanted the scholarship opportunity. Whatever....

[MissMarple]

39. Marzipanni, he can keep you young, sweetheart.

Trust me. :D