Saw "Brokeback Mountain" last night, and it turned me gay

[Enraged_Ape]

I can't believe it happened. Forty-some years of heterosexuality (at least, going back to my pre-school stirrings for Penny Robinson on "Lost in Space" and Stefanie Powers on "The Girl From UNCLE"), 15 years of marriage to a woman, and five years of subscribing to MAXIM magazine...and it's all down the drain. I'm now gay. Gayer than laughter, even. I'm so gay I make Paul Lynde look like Clint Walker.

Sitting in a dark theater for two hours watching those two good-looking young men making "the beast with two backs and two cowboy hats" flipped a switch on my sexuality. The fundies told me that could happen. They warned me about it. Well...they tried to warn me. Stuck in my liberal and immoral ways, I refused to listen.

I'm going out now to get my right ear pierced and get some pictures of Bette Davis and Joan Crawford to decorate my home. Then I guess I'm gonna have to all explain this to my wife, and that will be the hardest part.

Please, if you're straight and you're comfortable with your sexuality, don't see "Brokeback Mountain". The fundies are right: It's cleverly designed propaganda that is guaranteed to make you gay. It happened to me. It can happen to you.

[ET Awful]

1. Coool, so if I go see it tonight, and it turns me gay . . .

are you busy this weekend? :P

:rofl:

[Enraged_Ape]

2. Sure

Us "Turned Homosexual by Brokeback Mountain" people need to stick together. :hi:

[NNadir]

40. I'm sorry but I'm heterosexual. It is not a choice. People try to make

me gay, but thus far no effort has succeeded.

I am what I am. All I ask for is your acceptance of who I am.

[ET Awful]

50. You just haven't met the right gay agenda recruiter yet.

:P

[terrya]

3. Yep...phase 1 of "The Plan" is working perfectly.

Gay International got the cooperation of Ang Lee to do this. It took a lot of planning, but finally, finally, "The Plan" for full scale gay recruitment is working beautifully.

Oops!! Me and my big mouth....

[Cannikin]

4. Muuuaaah ah ah ah ah ah

[ronnykmarshall]

20. All hail!

"The Plan!"

[swimboy]

24. And just in time for

Big Gay Holiday Love-In! Long live the Plan!

[LostinVA]

26. Latte Maker production is working all shifts...

Toaster ovens are for lesbians...

[JVS]

5. Did the movie feature any assless chaps? If not you deserve a refund.

You can't have a movie about gay cowboys without assless chaps! And how can you eat your pudding if you don't eat your meat?!?!?!

[LynneSin]

6. Could it turn me into a gay man?

That's one very powerful movie, especially for this gal!

[Enraged_Ape]

8. No the gender stays the same

It's just the sexuality that changes...as well as one's preference for Broadway showtunes.

[BigMcLargehuge]

11. I figured the ladies would have to wait for the Phase 2 (sequel) film

Sappho Cove - Starring Charlize Theron, Salma Hayek, Kathleen Turner, Phyllis Diller

Status- in production

Synopsis-

Young wife Susan (Charlize Theron) is drawn back to her old New England home when her father passes away
only to find herself confronted by estranged former childhood friend Connie (Salma Hayek) who is
unable to grasp that Susan is now married with children and living an idyllic life in Walla Walla
Washington. The two rebond and following the funeral decide to spend the weekend away on a small New England
island. The girls stay in the rundown hotel owned by (Magret) Phyllis Diller and meet alcoholic writer of self-help books
Linda (Kathleen Turner) who is deep into a whiskey induced bout of writer's block, and also dealing with the
long and drawn out death of her editor Sam (Tim Conway). The three bond instantly and find that even against their
best intentions, it is impossible to keep the kindling of unearthly feelings at bay and while digging for shellfish
east of the resort, Susan is drawn into the experimental love she and Connie shared as young teenage girls
groping their way towards adult hood. It is only when the weekend appears to be ending that Susan must
ask the former self help guru if she should sacrifice her traditional family for forbidden love and abandon
years of happy marriage.

[AllegroRondo]

16. That actually sounds better than half the movies ive seen this year

You should write up a screenplay, seriously!

[BigMcLargehuge]

17. Thanks! LOL....

(I might consider doing that now...)

But to get the joke, the reason I wrote that, read the first letters of each line.

[AllegroRondo]

19. Wow, I hadn't noticed

thats some amazing work.

why do I suddenly feel like going to the gym?

[LostinVA]

27. Errr... I would have to see that about 500 times....

The only thing better would be if Ashely Judd had a steamy cameo...

[Lochloosa]

29. I would take my wife to see that one!

:evilgrin:

[Rowdyboy]

7. Now you can start an "Ex-Straight" ministry and preach the faith!

Welcome to the family!

[Enraged_Ape]

10. Wow, that's a great idea!

I've never started a ministry before. I hear there's some serious $$$$ in that. At least, that's what fellow "Ex-Straighter" Paul Crouch tells me.

[graywarrior]

9. Just the ads have turned me from a woman into a gay man

[Redstone]

12. Can we drive by a theater that's showing it without the "gay rays"

getting us, or should we plan detours?

Just to be on the safe side, you know...

Redstone

[ronnykmarshall]

32. No don't be scared ....

the "gay rays" are only within the theater itself.

Note to self: Contact HQ and have the gay ray machine turned up.

[Redstone]

33. OK, after you turn it up, how many blocks away

will I have to detour? Will a tinfoil hat help?

Redstone

[ronnykmarshall]

44. You weren't supposed to see that.

Now look at Hypno Judy ...... forget what you read ...... forget what you read ......

[Redstone]

45. Yeah but, but, but...if the Gay Rays get me, Mrs R won't be happy.

(Though maybe they DID get me already, since I was able to read your post...didn't you use the Hetero Discombobulator Cloaking Device, like you're supposed to use on messages that you send to Agenda Central?)

Redstone

[ronnykmarshall]

46. Of course she'll be happy.

You help her pick out clothes, make-up and hair tips.

What woman in her right mind wouldn't LOVE a gay husband?

[Redstone]

47. Hey, I already help her out with decorating ideas for the house!

And I manicure her nails (really!).

What more could she want?

...Oh, you mean the part about gay guys generally not being as slobby as, and generally being cleaner than, us hetero guys? And looking like they actually thought about what to wear, instead of just grabbing the shirt and pants that are closes to the closet door? And REALLY telling her what you feel about her outfit or accessory, instead of mumbling "very nice, dear?"

I guess you have a point.

Redstone

[DarienComp]

13. Now that you're gay, can I buy you a drink?

;)

[graywarrior]

21. Only if you're a gay gay

[Divameow77]

14. My husband has already informed me that

he won't be seeing "Bare Back Mountain" with me. He's not into drama's that much as it is but I think a gay cowboy movie might be a little too much for him, but at least he doesn't actually think it will turn him gay.

[LostinVA]

28. Straight men can be so weird...

[AllegroRondo]

15. Did you get your free toaster yet?

[kmla]

18. Thanks. Next thing you'll want to do is get married. To a guy.

And when that happens, all of us heteros who are married - our marriages will be mocked. Tragically and sadly.

In fact, I'm pretty sure marriage licenses will burst into flames everywhere.

When this happens, I think you should offer me your new toaster as compensation for my losses.

[LostinVA]

36. Yes, it's a slippery slope, my friend!

[Crankie Avalon]

22. Kicked and nominated...

...for the sake of the children, your story must be told!

[underpants]

23. To paraphrase Franken's book liner

President Bush says he is against gay marriage but that is not what is important now what is important is terrorist marriage. Bush has stated no opinion on terrorist marriage. At this time this country can not afford a President who is weak on terrorist marriage because there is one thing the terrorists can do that can't be done by gays. The terrorists can breed!

[LostinVA]

25. I watched "French Kiss" last night, and it turned me straight

So I had to watch "Blue Crush" to become gay again. Oh, come on! That movie was sooooo made for lesbians...

[Enraged_Ape]

31. Hey, I LOVED "Blue Crush"

But that was when I was a straight male...back before I was changed by "Brokeback Mountain".

Now watching Kate Bosworth running around wet in a string bikini would have as much effect on me, I'm afraid, as watching paint dry. Alas.

[LostinVA]

35. Hmmm..... true... maybe "Top Gun" will be your thing now

The volleyball scene does nothing for me...

[Yavin4]

30. If You Only Watch Half of the Movie

does that make you bi?

[swimboy]

34. Gay? Hell, it made me a Cowboy!

[ronnykmarshall]

42. Giddy up!!

[sundog]

61. oh wow

just wow

:loveya:

[atomic-fly]

37. I didn't make it last night, gonna try again tonight

[RetroLounge]

38. I only saw a preview for it

and suddenly wanted to redecorate my house.

RL

[swimboy]

39. Come on ovah!

We'll look at swatches!

[mikeytherat]

54. Swatches? I gots me some RM Coco and Pindler & Pindler swatchbooks

right here. Oh, and one of them thar Creative Fabrics Absolutely Essential books, too. Course, mah sister-in-law's an interior decorator, and she musta left 'em here; they ain't mine or nothin'.

See ya tonight.

mikey_the_rat

[RetroLounge]

65. Fabulous, Darling...

I'll be right over with some paint chips too!

:hi:

RL

[Ryano42]

41. I watched 2 innings of a college...

softball game...and now I am a male lesbian! :)

My girlfriend is overjoyed...said something about the best of both worlds??? :shrug:

[LostinVA]

43. giggle -- go to a women's rugby match -- she'll worship you

[Wapsie B]

48. But what if it only turns me bi?

Will I have to see it twice to get the full effect? :shrug:

[edbermac]

49. I saw The Birdcage in 1996 and that turned me gay...

But then a few years later I saw Eyes Wide Shut so I'm back to normal now...

[ronnykmarshall]

51. Tom Cruise having "hetero" sex turned you back?

You were NEVER gay then.

[edbermac]

55. Nicole, not Tom!!

Puh-leeze...

[woofless]

52. Gives whole new meaning to the prhase-

"How 'BOUT them Cowboys?".

[pdx_prog]

53. Just thinking about going to see it

has given me the urge to go and buy a Cher album...

[uppityperson]

56. Yeah, but did it turn you into a cowboy?

I had this problem with The Exorcist too, am now posessed.

[myrna minx]

57. Get a toaster to Ang Lee STAT! n/t

[ContraBass Black]

58. I can save you!

Watch The Passion, and it will straighten you out.

[Enraged_Ape]

59. Actually, I thought about renting Betty Blue again...

at least for the first 5 minutes.

[Bzzzz]

60. Well, ya know...

I'm Howard's friend...and I'm gay!! lol (In and Out,starring Kevin Klein)

[sundog]

62. you live in new mexico, right?

:evilgrin:

:thumbsup:

[Left Is Write]

63. Hmm...there's no hope for you now.

I'll send you a Judy Garland album for Christmas.

[undeterred]

64. Does this work on straight women or just straight men?

Will there be a movie to convert us too, cause if not thats DISCRIMINATION!

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

66. I'll watch that one! I want to be turned into a lesbian! (nt)

[dback]

67. I thought only Clooney & Banderas did that to straight men.

A major critic--it might have been Stephan Zachereck (sp?) from Salon--was at "Ocean's Eleven" with a male friend, and about 5 minutes in when Clooney steps off the escalator in a light-plaid sport coat, her friend let out a kind of moan and slumped in his seat. She asked if he was okay, and he responded, "I'm fine--I just have to admit it: I just went completely gay."

Similarly, a few years back when the first "Zorro" came out (or maybe it was "Desperado"), a male film critic on the Alex Bennet radio show out of SF who was heretofore completely straight almost tied his tongue in knots talking about Antonio Banderas. "He's just so--I don't--so charismatic, and so--you just want to--be WITH him, you know?" The more flustered he got, the more inarticulate he got. Very cute. :) (Tom Hanks commented in "The Celluloid Closet" that when he did "Philadelphia," he had a moment on set one day where he realized that if he WAS gay in real life, Banderas was so completely adorable, he'd be the one he'd want to be with.)

Unsual, this, as women will much more freely admit to a same-sex crush or attraction than men will. PREMIERE magazine did an article a year or so ago in which they asked various actors and actresses to admit a same-sex crush or love scene partner, and several of the men--especially black actors--completely freaked out and wouldn't even offer an opinion, not even on a theoretical level.

My attitude is, if you're so blocked as an actor that you can't even comprehend playing someone different from yourself in a fantasy scenario, then you're not much of an actor. (I know a real-life straight guy who's also an actor who is similarly blocked, and won't be seeing "Brokeback" no matter how good the reviews are.)

[Enraged_Ape]

68. Hey, those Nasonex commercials with the Banderas bee

have put me right over the edge.

[robbedvoter]

69. Does it work on gals too? Just checking.