Email busy today--this is funny though--Hangover Ratings

[Horse with no Name]

One Star Hangover (*):

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively
well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and
still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**):

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around
the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is
some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***):

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared
you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy
reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced
teas and
a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****):

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly
or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your
face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even
your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of
about
five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of
everyone
who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****):

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out
of every
pore and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still
drunk. You
still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing
your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy
out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue
is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell
the
stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid
with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this
'floater'
seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death
sounds
pretty good about right now!

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.

[lildreamer316]

1. Kick for funny n/t