I just really hate my living situation

[jiacinto]

Anyway I spent the weekend applying to jobs back in DC and will be returning back to temp agencies to earn money while I look for something. Key question: how do I go to interviews without missing work, as I will have to travel back and forth? I am going the temp agency route because I think it might be easier to walk away for a day or two and fly to DC for an interview because they know I am looking for work.

I feel like I am in a prison. There is no TV, no cable. Whenever the TV is free the little kids are watching Thomas the Tank Engine, and they don't go to bed until well after everything I like (not appropriate for the two children) is on. There is literally nothing to do except read. They restrict access to the computer so that means that I spend most of my internet time either on late at night, or at Kinko's, or at the library.

My brother and sister in law suck. They are planning--again--to go out of town for Christmas, and of course the woman's family didn't invite me. They never have gotten to know me. They think I am mentally challenged freak.

Anyway last night we got into a big argument where my brother, the patronizing jerk that he is, went off about how he is so "worried" about me. Well, if he really cared, where was he all those times in college when I needed money to pay for my books and other expenses (He had a very good paying job at the time and refused to help me and then expected me to be so "grateful" that he allowed me to live in our jointly owned home and that he drove me back and forth to college even though he was irritated at even having to do that for me. I didn't want to be given everything, just help with necessitites. Instead I ended up having to beg my college's finanical aid office for help and had to beg for jobs. I lost so much digniity and suffered large humiliations. ). He went on and on about how I shouldn't have long term care insurance even though he knows fully well that no one would take care of me if I ended up paralyzed. He then tells everyone that he knows that I'm like "Forrest Gump"--he's told me that several times.

Last night he went on and on about how "worried he is about me" and how he "prays". He then went on and on and said that he has been worried about me since I was in College. Well, if he really "cared", he didn't show it. He really didn't. Maybe I would not be so "weird" if he and his wife didn't treat me like a mental institution patient.

Maybe I wouldn't look so "weird" to them if his wife's family included me in their lives. (But no, they aren't my "family" and I shouldn't even expected to be noticed--my brother told me that). I wonder how others would react if they are left home alone over the holidays (as they did every year) and to eat alone on Christmas. I wonder how they would feel if someone called them weird every day and made them feel like freaks.

Whenever he talks to me it's as if I am a child. He says "you are going to end up broke if you don't do this. You are stupid in doing this." He talks to me in the most smug and condasecending fashion. When I dare to say something back he says "This conversatino is over. I don't want to hear about it any more". And then he cusps his hands and prays--like I'm supposed be emotionally be moved by his demonstration of faith.

He won't let me use the washing machine. I have to give it to his wife and she magically makes it come back. I can't use the stove or other appliances. Just to get a key to the house it was a pain because they didn't trust me with it. To use an iron it was hell getting permission to do so.

Living here is lowering my self-esteem. I am grateful that they are allowing me to stay there, but the cost is emotional. I can't stand to be around them. I hate their values and their viewpoints. I really can't see past how he failed to be there for me in college and in the past. I really feel like a freak living here with them. They are not postiive influences. I feel negative energy around them.

I will admit that I fought back when I felt unfairly attacked at times when I was younger. I did talk back and was rude, but that was only in response to their refusals to help me and their attitude. One time, when I was only making $6 in a 10 hr a week job, in college, they suggested to me a $150 health insurance plan per month. They knew I couldn't afford it and they just suggested it to mock me.

I really hate it when he lectures to me when he has done little, if anything, to really help me. He did move in to take care of our mother's estate, and I am grateful for that. But otherwise I don't feel like I have to be thankful for anything else (except the fact that he is allowing me to live there rent free). I really don't.

Sorry for the long message, but I literally have no one to talk to. Coping with the stresses there is so hard. As I have nothing to do to enjoy myself--save going to the movies--I feel like I am in a mental ward.

I wish all his friends would see what an ass he really is. I know fully well that my mother and father are rolling in their graves. If they only knew how he treated me they would never let him hear the end of it. I pray that when he has to face God that he gets yelled at by the both of them for eternity.

Well I have to go to the temp agency now and to the Iowa Workforce Office Development office to see if they can help me. I just feel like I am in a prison here.

And let me say this clearly--thank you--to all of you who have listened and helped over the last few months. Although I may not say it I am really grateful for the help and support you've provided me.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

1. Sending some hugs along your way ...

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[mac56]

2. Be strong, man.

You can - and will - endure this.

[wtmusic]

3. Hang tough Carlos

Well it ain't FL, is it?

It's always hard making a move like that. Once you start expanding your circle of acquaintances things will get better.

[bearfan454]

4. Get out of there

Make it on your own Carlos. F%ck him and his wife.

[blm]

5. Unload anytime, Carlos.

You still have a second family here.

[bobbieinok]

6. Where are you in IA????

I lived 20+ years in IA and loved it.

Of course, I was in a college town.

The IA state employment people are pretty good, I've heard.

[jiacinto]

10. Cedar Rapids

nt

[VermontDem2004]

7. (sigh)

I feel like I am in a prison. There is no TV, no cable. Whenever the TV is free the little kids are watching Thomas the Tank Engine, and they don't go to bed until well after everything I like (not appropriate for the two children) is on. There is literally nothing to do except read.
How would you have even survived before the 1950's? It is not your house, don't expect to be entitled to internet access and TV whenever you wish.

My brother and sister in law suck. They are planning--again--to go out of town for Christmas, and of course the woman's family didn't invite me. They never have gotten to know me.
Do you think you are entitled to be invited?

Last night he went on and on about how "worried he is about me" and how he "prays". He then went on and on and said that he has been worried about me since I was in College. Well, if he really "cared", he didn't show it. He really didn't. Maybe I would not be so "weird" if he and his wife didn't treat me like a mental institution patient.
How do they treat you like a mental institution patient, give me another example besides TV and internet.
Nevermind, you obviously expect everyone to give you something when you have to earn it yourself. They didn't have to invite you in but if they didn't you would be going off on how your brother wouldn't let you stay with him for awhile.

[jiacinto]

8. Actually

I wish I hadn't had come here. Yes I would paying rent and losing money living somewhere else. But I wouldn't have the headaches.

Yeah I did expect to be invited. Family is supposed to invite family. I guess that their definition isn't my definition.

But a long time ago I gave up on hoping to be a part of the lives. It still hurts to be so rejected.

[VermontDem2004]

15. Family isn't supposed to do anything

Plus it was his wife's family who they were spending Thanksgiving(or was it Christmas) right? Maybe her family can't feed an extra person or wouldn't want an extra person over. It just seems to me that you think you deserve everything.

[jiacinto]

60. I would hate to be in your family

Family is supposed to be there for each. I don't think I "deserve everything". I could say more, but I am going to hold back.

[VermontDem2004]

76. I bet you would hate being in my family

We don't expect others to things for us especially since we haven't done anything for them. From the impression of your post it seemed like you were intitled to watch TV whenever you wanted too or log on too the internet whenever you feel like it. Like someone said if you don't like it there then get out.

[liberalhistorian]

87. I know for sure that I WOULD HATE

being in your family, and thank GOD my family isn't like that! They would NEVER consider leaving even an in-law alone for any major holiday or family event, let alone the major ones like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hell, both my stepparents families treated me a lot better than that, even though I couldn't always "do" anything for them.

You don't do something for a family member because you expect something from them, you do it because they're family. You just don't leave family alone on the holidays, "blood" relatives or not. And I believe that he said the house was jointly owned by him and his brother, so it's not just his brother's house, either.

[dmr]

73. I don't buy that

If I had a sibling in my home, or anyone for that matter, I would not leave them alone. If I were having family over for Thanksgiving dinner, and my guest had to leave someone alone at home on this day, I would bend over backwards to make an extra place at the table - whether I liked that individual or not - and there have been times that has happened. I come from a poor family where we always found a way to be inclusive. In fact, we always invited someone who we knew would be alone to our dinnertable. This is THANKSGIVING, for crying out loud!

I'm sorry about Thanksgiving, Carlos, it's evident your family is insensitive to your feelings this holiday season. If they would do this to you, then they would do it to others. Don't be bitter, though, that serves no purpose other than to fester and cause more internal pain and ill will. Find peace within yourself. You can't change them, so you have to do what is best for you and you alone.

The only thing I can think of for this Thursday is if you haven't a library card, go get one, and find a good book to read, knowing that next Thanksgiving will be better - don't lose sight of that hope.

Our hearts are with you this holiday, Carlos.

[VermontDem2004]

74. But it is not exactly his family

It's his brother's wife's family. I don't see why someone's wife's family has to invite him over?

[dmr]

84. You do have a point

When I first read the original post, I admit, I scanned it through because it is whinney and missed the exact point you make, VermontDem.

Carlos, if your brother and his wife made plans with their children to visit her folks who live out of town, you can't begrudge them that. It's not as if you arrived in July when they might have made other arrangements. This is Christmas where your brother's wife wants to be near her family, where their children want to visit with grandma and grandpa, and other aunts and uncles. It would have been nice to invite you too, but they just may not have the space to accommidate you.

Apologies for scanning and not reading your post fully, Carlos.

You don't need cable. You don't need the internet. You don't need a lot of things. But you do need to focus on earning a living, taking care of yourself, take charge, quit looking at the past, and finding peace inside yourself.

[Nikia]

86. But Carlos doesn't have other family

That's my understanding of things. If my sister had no where else to go for the holidays, I'd take her along to my inlaws anyway. If one of my parent-in-laws died and we were going to my family's place for Christmas, I'd bring him or her along even though I don't really like them. This is common practice in my extended family. It's hard to be alone in this world, especially on the holidays.
Yes, he does need to let some things go, but it is hard if some of the same issues are coming up.

[Heddi]

88. but should her family be OBLIGED

to have him for the holidays?

Do they have the room? Do they have the food?

Maybe---just maybe---the family doesn't like him. Whether they're right or wrong in their assessment of him, the fact still remains that they have the right to have a peaceful family gathering. If they don't like him, they're under no obligation to have him present.

There have been many holidays that Mr. Heddi and I have spent with families (sister & brother in laws) where we're left at home while they go to the inlaws for dinner one night, and then have dinner at their house the next night.

I don't get all uptight about it---the inlaws are MY inlaw's inlaws. THey're not my family, and not my husband's family. They're my HUSBAND'S SISTER'S family---and they're under no obligation to invite us for Thanksgiving just as we're under no obligation to invite THEM to our house for dinner.

To assume that SIMPLY because he's not invited means the absolute worst is just short-sighted. Again, do they ahve the room? Do they have the food? Sure it's 'just one person', but to invite him last minute could create a family rift (Whaddya mean Jimmy could bring his brother to Xmas dinner? You said Jane couldn't bring HER sister to Xmas dinner...)...

we just don't know the whole story, and I"m not going to paint these inlaws of an inlaw as some hedonistic satan-worshipers because they don't open their home to an uninvited guest.

As far as the brother & SIL inviting Carlos--I gotta tell you that agan, I'd be mighty pissed if someone showed up, unannounced, and self-invited (or invited by someone other than myself or my husband) to a family get-to-gether, no matter how far (or close) removed family they are.

[liberalhistorian]

90. Yes, blahblahblah,

but if he has no other family, it's pretty low to leave him alone for the holiday, I'm sorry but there's no excuse and no other way around it.

My stepdad's family has aunts and uncles no one can stand to be around, but they're invited anyway because they have nowhere else to go on the holidays and to leave them to face the day alone is unacceptable to us, and it should be unacceptable to most families, unless the person is violent or abusive. Hell, if families didn't invite relative based on their dislike of them, there would BE no family gatherings anymore!

[Heddi]

96. but we don't KNOW if they're being mean

again, no one can say whether these people can feed him. If they have the room for him. Is his Bro/SIL going to stay overnight? Is it an out of town visit?

Would it be NICE to invite him--sure. SHOULD they be OBLIGED to invite him? no.

Do we know if they've had negative dealings with him in the past? Maybe they're republican and don't want to get into a political mele on the holidays. Maybe they just plain don't like him.

Again, maybe to invite him would insult other family members who wanted to invite other people but couldn't. Then he shows up, everyone starts arguing over why HE could come but SO-N-SO shouldn't.

Maybe his bro & SIL are tired of him complaining about not being able to watch TV when he wants, or not having cable, or not being able to use the internet, or this that and the other, and feel that he should be more GRATEFUL for what they're giving him before they invite him over to HER family's thanksgiving dinner.

[liberalhistorian]

89. Really?

Well, using that argument you could say that I shouldn't have the right to expect to be included in the activities of the families of my stepmom and stepdad, because I'm not technically "family", or at least YOUR definition of family, when they would NEVER dream or hear of such a thing.

And their parents are no longer alive, so his brother and his brother's in-laws know perfectly well he doesn't really have any family to spend the holidays with, and it's pretty low of his sister-in-law and her family, if you ask me.

[tom_paine]

102. A very solid point, VermontDem

[XanaDUer]

100. I agree, dmr

It's the holidays fer chrissakes. This is mean of them.

[dionysus]

75. That's pretty cold

If I had been mugged and robbed blind, I would sure as hell expect family to offer to take me in until I got back on my feet. And leaving the brother home alone on Christmas is heartless as well.
It seems to me that Carlos has some long standing issues with his brother.

[VermontDem2004]

77. As far as I am aware they let him stay over

Plus it isn't exactly his family, it his brother's wife' family. I am not sure if his brother's wife's family would like to have someone over for Christmas.

[liberalhistorian]

92. Ummm, excuse me,

but it isn't just "someone", it's your daughter's brother-in-law who has no other family and who's been recently mugged, not some Joe Schmoe from Kokomo their daugher's known for a day or so.

[Bluzmann57]

9. Um... sorry about your situation

but saying you hate Iowa because of these two people is just wrong. I am a lifelong resident and like it here. Please don't rip an entire state because of a few bad apples. Go Iowa Hawkeyes!

[jiacinto]

11. Corrected the subject line for you

nt

[onebigbadwulf]

12. Hey

If I can go through this kidney stone (Its moving again oh christ!) you can survive this little set back.

[Cheswick2.0]

13. is the house they are living in now jointly owned?

or was that back in DC? If they house they live in know belongs partly to you can't you ask they buy you out?
In any case...go work at a soup kitchen or something for the holidays. It will get better, but you have to stop looking for help from them. They don't owe it and if you stop expecting it you wont be disapointed so often.

[progressivejazz]

18. That soup kitchen idea is terrific.

Helping other people may change one's attitude. It has always worked for me when I've felt unloved. Of course, it may not work for everyone. But in any case, other people are helped. And that's a way to make the world a little better. Go for it, Carlos! Do good and live your life.

[jiacinto]

63. It's more about the past than the present

nt

[Demobrat]

14. With your attitude, you will always be miserable no matter where you are.

Acid corrodes the vessel. Don't blame Iowa.

[Name removed]

17. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Demobrat]

21. No. Just somebody who's over

taking care of the entitled ones.

[Name removed]

49. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[LastTime2BeFree]

16. I suggest a part time job

When I was in the same straits long ago I took a job as a bouncer in a very rowdy bar. The simple act of removing a$$holes from the bar was a good out for pent up stress and the danger of getting hurt was a positive enforcement of reality. Try it - you would be amazed at how a sober small fry can tackle the biggest drunk on the floor.

[DemExpat]

19. My family was 'toxic' to me as well, Carlos....

and, believe me, the rejection and tearing down of any self-esteem you had over from Florida is not surprising at all in these circumstances.

They indeed treat you like a child, a black sheep of the family....for whatever reason....I also would feel the lack of an invitation for Christmas to be a real rejection.

The ONLY thing you can do, hon, is to start a life for yourself somewhere else, far away from them. Try not to leave angrily, and thank them for their version of opening up their home for you. In some strange way, they love you and want to help, although their actions (besides having you come stay with them) seem to the contrary.

But do get away a.s.a.p.

Do you like Washington D.C.? Any other town/city you like and would like to live in?

Hopefully once you have a job somewhere, you can build up a social life, and perhaps shop around and find a good counsellor to go to for talk and support. In the period of your life that you are in now, this is NO LUXURY, it might be a necessity. This has helped me in various tough periods of my life.

I also know what its like to feel miserable and not have anyone, not a soul, to talk to....
I hope that DU fills this void a little for you, even being on the Net there are people listening and responding.

But I'm sure you know that it is really all up to you, no one else, to get your life moving in a positive direction.

Hope to hear some GOOD NEWS from you very soon, Carlos, and I mean that with all my heart!

:hug:

DemEx

[jiacinto]

62. Thank you

I appreciate it.

[Kamika]

20. what else is new

But hey you havent been assaulted yet

[Cleita]

22. Carlos, get into therapy as soon as possible.

You really need it. You will never be happy and never have a happy relationship with anyone until you get those devils that are tagging you off your back.

Having to go back and live with family is always tough, but you have to remember that you are a guest in their home and must respect their rules. It's tacky for them not to include you in their holidays, but it is really not your fault, it's theirs, so don't make it so.

Spending some time at a shelter will be good for you. Some of the best holidays that I remember back when I was single was when I got together with other people like myself, who had been left out of gatherings of family and friends.

Make the best of the situation. Life hands you a bunch of shit all the time. You have to learn to fling it back and move on.

[TXvote]

23. They are afraid

because everyone of us is a short step away from being in your situation. As you currently personify their deepest fears (relying on others for shelter in a time of need) they are bound to have a wide variety of fear based reactions that will reflect their own neurosis. I went through a similar time a few years ago. Very painful to have your family projecting and adding to your anxiety. Here is what I learned to ask my self everyday that made things better:

1.Am I doing everything within my power to improve my condition TODAY? Somedays this means taking a day "off". Somedays this means busting your ass trying to find a home/ job/ whatever.

2. Am I showing my gratitude to those that shelter me through acts that show I am conscious of their space and needs?
Sometimes that means cooking dinner or oiling that hinge that squeeks. Sometimes that meant letting them know I would be leaving for a day or evening to give them space.

3. Does their worry/ concern/ anger du jour have a secret important hidden message that I can use as a tool to improve my situation? Cuz sometimes, it does. Ouch.

And the best piece of wisdom a friend shared that became my mantra at the time:

All things pass with time.

Hang in there.

Peace,
Teresa
www.votervirgin.com

[jiacinto]

64. Answers

1) I went to a temp agency, a dept store, and to the IA workforce agency

2) They won't let me near the stove or touch any of their appliances so this is not an issue. I am rarely home during the day.

3) They have concerns, but the way they talk to me about them is rude and disrepstful.

[Heddi]

24. no offense, butttt

They opened your house to you. They are allowing you to live there, but you can see NOTHING positive about the situation.

You have a roof over your head and food in your stomach. You are MUCH luckier than MILLIONS of people in this country who have NO roof, NO food, NO clothes.

You're upset b/c you're not invited to HER FAMILY'S HOLIDAY DINNER---they're not YOUR family---they're HER family and your BROTHER'S family.

How DARE you assume that because you're on this planet, that you're somehow INTITLED to be included in everything. THEY (her family) has NO obilgation to you. NONE whatsoever.

You can't watch TV---cry me a river, okay. You can't use the internet. Poor You.

You've had bad things happen to you (being robbed, being mugged, being out of a job), but dude, you gotta suck it up and start expecting things from YOU and NOT OTHER PEOPLE.

Is it not enough that they opened their house to you? That they're allowing you to stay there? Obviously not. According to you, they need to have 500 channels of Cable TV and DSL internet access available to you 24 hours a day. They should tell their children to live life in their rooms so you can watch "your shows".

You are TOTALLY missing out on the important things.

You're looking for work--are there NO McDonald's, NO burgerkings, NO Pottery Barns or Walmart's in the area where you can get ANY WORK?

Get out of the house. DO ANYTHING YOU CAN TO MAKE MONEY----$5.00 an hour is better than $0.00 an hour.

You complain about what an inconvenience THEY are in YOUR life---YOU ARE LIVING WITH THEM.

Can you not see how YOU are an inconvenience to THEM? Yet they still let you stay there.

If you HATED them so much; if you HATED the way they lived, then why did you live with them? Why not go directly back to DC, sell your shiny new SUV and get a sucky apartment and a sucky job? Instead, you go somewhere that you KNOW you'll hate, and wallow in self-pitty about the suckiness of the situation.

YOU ARE IN CONTROLL OF YOUR OWN DESTINY. Seriously. No one can MAKE you do or not do something you don't want to.

Can't use the computer---good. You don't need it. Buy a cheap typewriter and plunk out resumes the old fashioned way. Get a newspaper and pound the pavement until you FIND A JOB.

Look---You are WALLOWING in the negative. There are SO MANY positive things around you, but you just have to FIND the positive things. If you only see negative, and only seek out negative, you'll only FIND negative.

Go to the local dept. of mental health and get a low-cost or sliding-scale therapist to talk to. STOP BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE FOR YOUR PROBLEMS IN LIFE.

Sucky things happen--THAT IS LIFE--You are NOT the only person in this world who's in a less-than-desirable situation.

For the Holidays, why not see people who are REALLY in need. As has been suggested to you before, go to a soup kitchen and see the faces of the people who have NO home, NO family, NO food, NO clothes, NO shiny SUV, NO Graduate's level education, and most importantly, NO internet and NO cable.

See how lucky you REALLY ARE.

Do something for someone else by working at a soup kitchen. SO what if you don't get paid in money. You'll get paid in something much much more valuable. Do something SELFLESS and for OTHER PEOPLE. Your holiday will be MUCH more fulfilling than it would have been sitting around with family that you admit you can't stand, and inlaws you admit you can't stand in a state you admit you can't stand.

And who's to say that the Inlaws would let you watch 'your shows' or go on the internet.....

[VermontDem2004]

25. You pretty much summed up all my thoughts on this situation

[WilliamPitt]

27. Bingo

These pity parties need to be brought to a conclusion.

[Paragon]

91. I've asked the mods to do just that

...too many times. :wtf:

[liberalhistorian]

99. Oh, so people don't have the right

to do a little venting because their lives aren't as perfect as yours?

[Paragon]

101. Don't be a moran

Carlos has been doing "a little venting" almost every day for months and months now. I think my life generally sucks donkey balls...but I don't waste everyone else's time bitching and moaning about it.

[liberalhistorian]

104. Maybe he doesn't have anyone else

to bitch and moan to?

[CatWoman]

28. I'm at a loss for words

........cause Heddi used them all up :thumbsup:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

29. I cried because I had no shoes until I met someone who had no feet

[Heddi]

31. And I should add....

If you hate it so much, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE....god...you act like you've got a gun to your head FORCING you to live there.

I'll tell ya---if I was your Bro & Sis in law, I'd have NO qualms about saying to you 'if you don't like it, you know where the door is, and you know where the interstate is....have at it'.


When I was about 19, a friend of my mom's came to live with us while she was separating from her husband. Was only supposed to stay there 'a few days.'

"A Few Days" turned into "A Few Weeks" which turned into "A Month and a Half".

Know why she left?

Because we told her to GET THE FUCK OUT.

She moved in with us knowing we had cats. But she didn't like the cats.

Moved in with us knowing we had dogs. But she didn't like the dogs.

Moved in with us knowing we didn't cook alot. But she didn't like getting takeout.

Moved in with us knowing she'd have to sleep on the couch. But she didn't like sleeping on the couch.

And the reason we told her to GET THE FUCK OUT is because every day, all day, all night, she did NOTHING but complain about the fact that she hated our cats, hated our dogs, hated eating take out, hated sleeping on the couch, hated having to watch what we wanted, hated that her boyfriend couldn't fuck her on the couch, hated that we wouldn't let her use our car, hated that we watched certain shows on TV that she didn't like, hated that our neighbors were noisy, hated that there was a streetlight outside our house, hated this, hated that, couldn't stand this, couldn't stand that.

Finally, we got sick of it.

You hate it so much, GET THE FUCK OUT.

Of course, she didn't hate the fact that we weren't charging her rent, or that we drove her to and from work every day, and that we let her eat our food w/o paying for it, and that we bought her beer, and that we let her stay at a place when no one else would, and that we were opening our house to her, and that we let her use our phone, and that we went to bed earlier than we would have so that she could sleep when she was accustomed to it, and that we let her kids stay over at the house, and that we washed her clothes and folded them when they were dry, and that we bought her dinner, etc etc.

[DemExpat]

35. Whatever happened to your Mom's friend, Heddi?

:D

DemEx

[Heddi]

36. well, she shacked up with her still-married boyfriend

got pregnant at the same time his wife (whom he was still married to) got pregnant. Wife and Boyfriend separated, Mom's friend and boyfriend got married, only to have marriage dissolved b/c neither of them were legally divorced from their previous spouses.

Last I heard from her, in addition to the 2 kids she had with her 1st husband, and the 1 kid she had with her boyfriend, she's had 4 other kids, and finally married the boyfriend and boyfriend (now husband's) brother and sister in law, and their 3 kids, all live with them in a 3 BR house.

I think family services took the kids away from them for a point because the room all 300 kids shared was also shared by the family dog who lived in the room and shat in the room b/c they didn't have a fenced backyard, and one of the kids got really sick from eating dog shit.

:-)

And to think she could have been our roommate forever :dreaming: ha ha

[DemExpat]

38. Lordy, lordy!

:D
What a picture you paint!

DemEx

[Heddi]

41. yeah well she was a....unique individual

When she moved in with us I thought she was TOTALLY COOL and I REALLY WANTD TO BE LIKE HER---uh...reality check.

I think the thing that got me was one night she, my mom, and I went out for dinner. She went to bed afterwards w/o taking off her makeup (no crime in my book). The next day, she applied NEW makeup over the smeared, slept-on makeup. Came home THAT night, didn't take a shower or wash off 2 days worth of Mary Kay. NEXT DAY, put on MORE makeup over the 3 days old makeup she'd already worn.

I think it was at that point I realized I NEVER wanted to be like her. Of course, as time went on, my point was solidified (especially after the baby-dogshit-incident that my mother and I talk about every 3 years or so).... :)

How are things in the great lands of Nether? I *HAVE* to go back there on vacation again. I know I've said it before, but I've never seen such a beautiful place in all my life. Everyone there was SO FRIENDLY. I love the dutch :)



Ein tafel voor een persoon voor/twee personen, alstublieft!

Ik ben allergisch voor noten/schaaldieren!

Kan men deze nemen als men verwachting is/de borst geeft??????

:)

[DemExpat]

42. What a card... :-)

Ein tafel voor een persoon voor/twee personen, alstublieft!

Ik ben allergisch voor noten/schaaldieren!

Kan men deze nemen als men verwachting is/de borst geeft??????

When I read this, knowing it comes from you, I say the words in my head like an American tourist would!!!! LOL.

:hi:
DemEx

[Heddi]

46. Yep. I accentuate each word...each syllable

Ine Tay-Fel Vooor In Per-Soooooon Voooor / Tweeee Per-Son-Nen, Al-Stuu-Blee-Fttt

Eeech Been Allergic-sch Vooor Noo-Ten / Sk-aaal-Die-Run

Can Men Deez Ne-Meen Alls Meen Ver-Watch-Thing is / de Borscht Gee-ftttt

:)

[supernova]

32. This my thinking also

Carlos, I've been unemployed for over a year now. I've felt frustrated, angry, hurt, etc, too. But I have refrained from posting whiny pity parties in the Lounge about it. Not because I couldn't use the good wishes or the commiseration but because, past a certain point negativity breeds negativity. And I don't want to wear out everyone's patience.

You need to actively look for things that will lighten your mood, Carlos. Try to find something positive, no matter how small, to hold on to during this. Like I said, get to know your niece and nephew. Get out everyday and exercise, it will help change or brain chemistry. This may tide you over until you can get some professional counselling about your resentment toward your brother.

Good luck.

edit: And with that, I'm going for my daily walk now at beautiful Duke Gardens. My mind rests there. See ya'll later.

[Shakespeare]

53. THANK YOU! I have NEVER seen such ungratefulness..

...and selfishness IN MY LIFE.

Carlos, you've got a lot of nerve. That's all I'm going to say.

[liberalhistorian]

95. Oh, for God's sakes, can't you people tell

when someone is just venting and needs to let out a little steam? I can't believe how you are all jumping on someone who just needs a listening ear. You don't like DON'T READ THE FUCKING THREAD!! Go on and belittle another poster on another thread because they're not perfect like you.

[Shakespeare]

108. I have a right to my opinion--keep your scolding to yourself.

Carlos doesn't "just need to vent." Carlos posts thread after thread after thread of the same bitching and moaning. You know what? I have really shitty things going on in my life right now, and people aren't as nice to me as I might like, but I'm not going to throw a daily pity party on DU and THEN REFUSE TO TAKE TO HEART ANY CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENTS PEOPLE MAKE! You can only go to the well so many times before the well dries up, and I think it's understandable that by the zillionth time of hearing this, otherwise kind, compassionate DUers are just at their wits' end with him.

Jesus Christ, I'm sick of the "oh, he can't help it...people are so mean" bullshit. I'm just sick of it. No, the mugging and robbery weren't his fault, but if you don't see a pattern of behavior here, then you're blind. The best thing Carlos could do for himself is take a long, hard look at what got him into this situation.

And as far as this particular thread is concerned, yes he IS being completely ungrateful. I'm sure the situation with his brother is not perfect--for EITHER of them--but he IS lucky to be able to stay there, and to have the unmitigated gall to bitch about not having cable and internet access 24/7 is just way, way, WAY beyond the pale.

Here's a thought: if you don't want people to be mean to you, then don't leave your self WIDE FUCKING OPEN for it. He posted his little bitch session, and if some people jump in and tell him to suck it up and be grateful, he can't say he didn't see it coming.

If you don't like what I have to say to him, then take your own advice and don't read the thread.

[jiacinto]

65. I wouldn't live with the inlaws

I didn't say they owed me anything.

[chiburb]

82. Do you wonder why you bother?

You took the time to hold a mirror of reality to his face, "tough love" (ugh!) if you will, offered sound advice, etc.
And when he comes back to the thread does he say thanks to you (or anyone)?

[liberalhistorian]

98. Why the hell does he owe

anyone here "thanks" for showing him so-called "tough love", when they've done nothing but stomp on someone when he's down?

[liberalhistorian]

94. My God, the compassion and

heartwarming concern and caring for our fellow human beings is just dripping from this board today! I'm glad I'm not in your family, or that of VermontDem.

[liberalhistorian]

103. Blahblahblahblah

lectureblahblahblahnagnaglectureblahblahblahlecturenagblahblahblahnaglblahblahlectureblahblahblahblahlecturenagnaglectureblahblahNAGLECTUREBHALBHAL

[dfong63]

26. who needs tv?

I feel like I am in a prison. There is no TV, no cable. Whenever the TV is free the little kids are watching Thomas the Tank Engine, and they don't go to bed until well after everything I like (not appropriate for the two children) is on. There is literally nothing to do except read.

so make the best of it - this is a great opportunity to wean your mind from the propaganda machine (TV). reading can be fun, educational, and mind-expanding.

[opihimoimoi]

30. Com'n Carlos, Get strong man. Most of us feel for you but its down to

one thing, yourself.

Use that brain of yours and put into the next gear, the positive one, the aware one, the sensitive one. Learn to fit in, to share, to love, to make yourself and others around, LAUGH, SMILE, and SING.

Its an art form, its a skill, and, for gods sake, its worth learning.

[Name removed]

33. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[northzax]

34. my god, I live in a prison

how ever do I survive without television,. cable or internet at home? my stars.

as for not being invited to the holidays, you know what? I'm working both Thanksgiving and Christmas day.

[JVS]

44. I thought that they had Cable in prison

[Character Assassin]

37. My advice: deal with it. That is all.

[Name removed]

39. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[KG]

45. heh.

[JVS]

47. They won't think that when they come home to their looted house

OH YEAH! :-)

[Shakespeare]

56. I'll be sending you a bill, thank you very much.

One new 15" flat panel monitor, to replace same, ruined by spewing coffee. ;-)

[Terwilliger]

66. I said I couldn't imagine why they would think that!

sheesh

[CatWoman]

69. I just can't resist

"I told you so"

:evilgrin:

:*

[Loonman]

40. Another thread like this

I'm going to have to brush up on my violin.

[liberalhistorian]

105. YOU DON'T LIKE A THREAD,

DON'T READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JVS]

43. The solution to your problems is so obvious

Your brother was an asshole to your in your own jointly owned house. I can understand and sympathize. My brother moved back to my city for law school and guess who was chosen to be the rent splitting room mate, me. Of course he chose the larger room and has used the extra room as an office of his own, conditions much better than he would have with some stranger as a room-mate. I can kind of understand how you feel. Of course, we get along much better than it appears you and your brother do. Still, there is no denying that siblings will take advantage if given the opportunity.

Here is what you need to do. You need a way to succeed and shove it in your brother's face. It sounds like he likes to lord things over you. It's time to take him down a peg. If he was a big enough fool to let you into his house after treating you badly in a house that was half your own before, he practically deserves to be robbed.

Wait until they leave for Xmas, claim you are going to DC, get someone who will vouch for your whereabouts and rob your brother blind. This should help give you the funds you need to start your new life. After this avoid contact with your brother forever. Work hard get money and enjoy your life.

[Heddi]

48. but that would make Carlos a common criminal---

you know, the type of worthless thug that robbed HIM blind.

Surely you're not suggesting...no...you couldn't be suggesting..... :)

[JVS]

50. It would be a kind of kharmic realignment

Carlos would go from victim to victimizer. I think it's worth a shot.

Kind of like Lester Burnham's wife in American beauty driving home screaming "I will not allow myself to be a victim" as she reaches for her pistol.

[WilliamPitt]

51. I...will sell...this house...today...

I can *so* see Carlos saying that. :)

[JVS]

52. Say what you will. Mrs. Burnham was a real winner!

She had the drive and ambition needed to make it in this world.

[WilliamPitt]

55. True enough

[NicoleM]

54. You know who hates their living situation?

Those two soldiers who were killed in Baghdad, and whose bodies were dragged through the streets. Oh, wait, they can't hate their living situation. BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD.

I was all ready to throw myself a pity party today (although not on the board) and then I decided that no matter how sucky I feel today, I need to quit whining, even internally, because I'm not in Iraq getting my ass shot at every day.

You seriously need to get some perspective.

[felonious thunk]

57. I hope this thread is a lesson

DU shouldn't be your substitute for a) real live friends or b) therapy. This is a political message board. Take some of the advice that so many have offered you on here, take with a grain of salt, and do the best you can. Part of the reason you are getting lashed out on here is because it sure doesn't seem like you even attempt to take any of the advice you solicit. You just add complaints to previous complaints.

[Shakespeare]

58. A few constructive suggestions.

I'm very, very serious about this, Carlos.

1. Go to Hallmark or any store that sells cards, and look for the nicest thank you card you can find. Then sit down when you have some time to put some thought into it, and write a nice note in the card to your brother, thanking him for letting you stay with them (and providing food and shelter for you) while you're going through this difficult time. You are very lucky to have him, and you need to realize that.

2. Take your sister-in-law aside, and THANK her face-to-face for doing your laundry for you. How on earth "my sister-in-law insists on doing all my laundry for me" got twisted into a negative in your mind is just beyond me. She is very kind to do this for you, and you should make sure she knows you appreciate it.

3. Offer to babysit the children so your brother and his wife can get out together for an evening alone. I'm sure things must be extra-hectic with a new full-time visitor staying in the house.

4. Since you're not going with your brother to his in-laws for Christmas (you honestly can't expect them to invite you, so please don't be angry over that--they're not your family), call around to the local soup kitchens and ask if they need volunteer servers on Christmas day. You'll get to do something POSITIVE and help people, it'll make you appreciate all that you DO have, and it's a great way to meet other people (the other volunteers) and make new friends in the new town.

Try not to focus so much on YOU for a change, Carlos.

edited for typo

[DemExpat]

61. Excellent advice, I think.

Very constructive.

:thumbsup:

DemEx

[jiacinto]

68. Answers

1) Done that.

2) Done that. But she won't let me use because she thinks I'll break it. It's not a "nice thing", but more of an insult. You have to be there to understand it.

3) They don't trust me and would never give me that responsibility.

4) Maybe I will do that if I am not visiting friends.

[DrWeird]

59. Maybe it's their evil twins.

Perhaps in an amazing coincidence your brother's evil twin and your sister-in-law's evil twin got married. As you brother and his wife where flying over the Guatelmalen jungle searching for the magical Lost Emerald of Sacajawea their plane went down, sabotaged of course, and they went missing for three seasons. Meanwhile, the evil twins have assumed their new life in Iowa and have developed a dastardly scheme of making your life hell by giving you a place to stay so you wouldn't end up some junkie transient who's only happiness in life comes from a bottle of Maddog 20/20 backwash. Both your brother and his wife have amnesia and are living seperate lives. Your brother is living with his new mistress, a vampire by day and a spunky female lawyer by night. Your sister-in-law has joined a convent and is currently helping her mentally retarded older brother, played by your brother, get his elementary school diploma/ race car driver license. Sources say they are likely to remeet with each other and their former twins in the next season premiere with life altering consequences!

[CatWoman]

71. you are fucking dangerous!!!!!

:hi:

:hi:

:D

[TedinAZ]

67. Get over it.....

I just hope you don't run into any swing voters with this attitude.

[dreissig]

70. Can You Temp in DC?

If you want to work in DC, you should be temping there, not in friggin' Iowa. Temp-to-perm is a way to get hired. It's certainly a way to get in the door and see what's going on. You may not want to work in the same place you've temped because employers will still see you as a clerk. It's definitely worth considering!

[BiggJawn]

72. Wassamatta? Truth hurts?

Have THIS "deleted".

Take some of the others who's advice you seem not to have problems with and GET HELP!

[underpants]

78. Hey everyone go a little easier on the guy

Geez. Look I've had it worse than that before but if the guy really feels like he is hurting either add comfort to him or don't respond to the damned thread.

The holidays are rough on alot of people and it is the time to help out people (should be all year) who need.

ON EDIT jiacinto you'll get through it. People have had and do have it a lot worse than you did but everything is for a reason. Buck up dammit.

[toddzilla]

79. sorry..

:nopity:

[THUNDER HANDS]

81. um...this is Carlos' problem...not mine

But thanks for thinking of me, nonetheless. :hi:

[underpants]

83. Ooops I changed it ................oh and sscrew you MagicRat

Wow that feels so much better

:bounce:

[jobycom]

80. Keep on swimming, dude

Sorry you're having a hard time, Carlos. Sorry so many otherwise beautiful people on this board have forgotten the lowest moments in their lives, and have forgotten what it's like to reach out for contact, if not help. That's their problem, not yours, so don't make it yours.

My only advice is to focus on where you most want to be in five years. What do you hope to have accomplished? What is your idea of success? If you can't think of the little details, just think of the big ones: a house, a partner, an income, helping others, whatever. Keep it in focus, and when you have time, work towards that, and don't let the stuff that distracts you from that get in your way.

You'll make it. There's nothing wrong with you. I remember your posts last year leading up to the 2002 elections. You have a sharp mind, an ability to process lots of data, and an awe-inspiring ability to research. Those attributes will carry you most places you want to go.

Keep on learning what life teaches you. Don't blame it for not being fair, just learn it. We all live in fear of falling on the times you've fallen on.

And about your brother. Make peace, at any and all costs, even if it means swallowing pride and anger. His attitude towards you right now is disgusting, but it's also just a slight shift from what it should be. Give him the opportunity to shift. I've often found--especially in family matters-- that complete capitulation often results in the other party realizing where they are wrong, too. Resistance often makes them closed to you.

As for your sister-in-law: Keep in mind what she sees. Her husband's brother has moved in to her home, with her children. That's very hard. In addition, you are a threat to her for her husband's affections. Her natural instinct is to be upset, defensive, and even to strike out to protect her own interests. That's not a gender thing, if you think that's where I'm going. It's a family thing. She's her husband's family, but not completely yours. That puts her in a weird place, one that disrupts her life. I feel that way when my wife's family stay for any length of time, and she feels it with mine. It's harder than you would thing.

Understand both of them. They may not always be right, though they probably have some points you should acknowledge, but family can potentially be your greatest resource in life. Don't let questions of perspective cause you grief. My brother is locked in a hell of delusional schizophrenia, and has tried a few times to kill me. Try going through that, and you'll wish for an asshole brother who fights with you too much.

[Sparkle]

85. You're in Iowa and I'm in Texas

If you weren't so far away, you could come have thanksgiving dinner with my family.

[Forkboy]

93. Join the fucking club

:nopity:

[buddhamama]

97. do they have a VCR?

if so, see if it can tape on one channel while letting you watch another. then while the kids are watching "Thomas..." you could be taping your shows.

[buddhamama]

106. a few words of advice,Carlos

what happened in the past has stay there.

there is a possibilty that your brother is sanctimonious ass but, there's also the chance that your own insecurites are casuing you to perceive situations differently than they really are.

what you may have taken as 'mocking'in the past could have been a genuine concern for your ability to visit a doctor (this is only one example). some people have a hard time communicating without it coming across as being a jerk. and he does have his own family to worry about, the sister-in-law is family by marriage she has no ties to you whatsoever so don't expect anything from her.

i have a huge family and never expected or have been given anything.
and why would you want it? for that matter, why would you want to go your sister-in-law's family gathering if you are not really welcomed.

wouldn't that make you feel worse? if yes, then don't do it. the last thing you need is to feel worst than you do right now.

(think though, you'll have the TV all to yourself)

take the first job you find, save up money, and move.

that is all you can do.

btw, do they have only one phone line, does the computer and the phone share the same line? if that is the case, i wouldn't blame them for restricting your use. i do the same in my house, especially when my son is at school during the day. in case of emergencies,etc., i want the school to be able to get a hold of me. if is the same phone line, i'd say that, that request isn't unreasonable.

it is your hurt of the past that you need to let go of.
find a hobby in the meantime you can do alone in your room.
it will keeping your thoughts occupied, and you won't get bored from just being able to read.

have you ever tried meditation/yoga. they can be great stress relievers. you can probably find a book on both of these at the library.

take care,Carlos.

[Dr Satan]

107. my 2 cents

You have more than I do.
However, as long as I have food, I am not going to cry about my problems on the internet.