My life is flashing before my eyes, and I fear posting this lest it die.

[patdem]

I just don't know what I am drowning in…self pity perhaps??

My life, which is a whole nuther bailiwick, is passing before my eyes.

My mother is either dying or dead and I don't want to know which. Have you ever heard of such a thing??

I have always said that the day my mother dies the world will become a very different place. I don't want to know that day.

Oh, I have felt this guilt before, but only when I am living in my hometown. I have spent many years in different states and seemed to fare well? I have noticed that I do things to re-create the bad feelings of my youth in order to feel alive??? How stupid is that? The anxiety, the fear, the feelings of self-loathing. I do not know where to go with all this.

My sister said my mother wants to know why I hate her. I don't know if I do or not?

I just know my father's death devastated me so badly I have no wish to see my mother dead or dying.

I saw a cat once all entangled in the grass beside my porch and I questioned about why the cat seemed so entwined in the grass, and the person said the cat was just trying to get under the house to die. Right then, I thought that is how I want to die, under the house, no one crying and no funeral no horror of my death. How much better to not even know if I am dead or alive.

I divorced my family when my mother started to become obviously sick and feeble. Not because I hated her, for which I have much reason, but because I do not want to suffer. I realize it is a selfish motive, but who do I live for? Me or her???

I have been walking around like a zombie since last Monday when I heard she was in serious condition, then when I tried to contact the hospital they did not have her name…and I attempted to contact family members and I could not get in touch…they hate me for good reason…so I went into a tailspin…I did not sleep all Tuesday night took a sleeping pill at about 4:30 AM and overslept..then missed work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday without so much as a call in to explain why and could not answer the phone. I went in today but owner is out of the country….and some how I really do not care. Today…tomorrow???

I am so confused, and like some other DUers do not know who to turn to???

[YNGW]

1. Best To You

Go to your mother. Love her like there's nothing left in you. We are the most joyful when we serve others. Hard as it is to do, you must make yourself cast off your gloom and turn to help those who need your help. Sometimes just being there is all they need, just to know that someone is there. We must learn to bear each other burdens. You will find you are most happy when you serve others and their needs.

[patdem]

9. I read your thread and set about contacting who I could

and I was able to talk to my daugther in law...and my mother is in a nursing home....

I forgot to thank you for your advise....I am almost singing now...thanks!!!

[eyesroll]

2. Condolences to you, patdem

I sincerely hope you can find peace with your family.

I think you might need a bit more support than we're qualified to give here. I'd suggest calling a hospice in your area -- they can put you in touch with someone who can help.

Hang in there...
:hug:

[DemExpat]

5. Hospice advice is the best in my experience!

DemEx

[patdem]

10. Thank you so much...I found that my mother is in a nursing home

and she is NOT dying...nor is she dead. I was hiding from what happened...I did not want to face it...I did tonight and I have been released at least from the fear that my mother is dying.

[Fovea]

3. I do not say this as a put down

But with profound respect for your difficulties.

You have some deep, basic things you need to work with. I really recommend human contact and communication. It is not invalid if it is professional help. It really sounds to me like some therapy or spiritual support would be a good thing for you right now.

[patdem]

11. Yes...I read your post...and my mother and I are going to talk

tomorrow when I visit...and I think I need other help also...thanks for the advise!!

[ThorsteinVeblen]

4. Look to the people whom you respect most - what would they do?

The situation requires bravery. You don't have to be graceful. Just be there. You know what you have to do. Don't worry about your job.

[patdem]

12. I called the bravest person I know...my daughter in law...and

she gave me not just the information I needed, but the acceptance I feared I did not have with my family...thanks this is what I needed to do about 5 days ago...to come here and get guidance!

[Lars39]

6. I went thru a time of self-preservation and avoidance

when my mom was dying. It wasn't because I didn't care, I cared too much; it overcame me. I only came to grips with her condition and my feelings thru medication. Please get help so that you can be there for yourself and for her. :hug:

Take care,
Lars

[patdem]

13. Thank you so much for your personal experience...my mom is alive

and though she only wants to see me because it will make me feel better...I am going to see her because it will make me feel better....thank you so much for your input...with out this room's advice I could still be last week...thanks so much!!!

[patdem]

7. Well, I just found out she is alive...I called to thank GOD she was alive

and told her how bad I felt and she was cold...I said I would see her tomorrow and she said...well I'm not going anywhere.

And my daughter-in-law...told me tonight..I can see you have issues with her...she tries to make me feel guilty no matter what I do. and my daughter-in-law does EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY!!!

[patdem]

8. A little update...

I heard my sister was comming here Friday and I thought she avoided me since Friday, turns out she is driving in and is not here yet. I have had boogy men in my mind since Tuesday night and have been entertaining them with song and dance rather than finding out what is the truth.

I just knew the messages on my answering service and my e-mail was _______ your mother is dead...so I did not read my e-mail nor listened to my messages...all of which were from my employer wanting to know where I was and what was wrong...OH MY GOD...what the boogy men do to us!!!!

And my mother is meaner than ever...she hung up on me because her food was getting cold!!!! AND I HAVE BEEN IN A FETAL POSITION SINCE TUESDAY NIGHT...AND NOBODY KNEW NOR CARED....LOL....:evilgrin:

[bloom]

15. (((((hugs)))))

:hug:


Your mother must have some serious pain also. I'm sorry things are going badly. I hope things improve.

[patdem]

14. Without the input of everybody here I would still be a basket case

instead I overcame all my fears, I tracked down my mom...and I am almost giddy....

Without ALL who advised I would still be walking around like a zombie....

:grouphug::hug:...to all who have given me the strenght and the fortitude..and helped to relieve me of the guilt that was paralizing me....I love you ALL!!!!