A 15 yr old's musings on...well.....gas (attn. dog owners!)

[dolo amber]

This was written ostensibly for a school project, but something about it makes me think perhaps this was not the final draft. :D


Farts, Why We Have Them, Where They Come From, and How We Can Succeed in it

By John C*******
(Who is now 18, and a good friend's son. ;))


Hello friends, I've come up here to talk about a sort of favorite subject of mine: Farts. In my speech I will go over the topics of what a fart is, some interesting facts, and amusing stories and eventually tips to help you fart louder, and clear rooms faster.

Farts are gases such as methane and Sulfur Dioxide that are ejected from creatures sphincters. Most mammels are capable of farting, and humans are the only ones I know which believe farts are gross.

Most farts origins are either as complex carbohydrates, such as found in beans and vegetables, or as a newer "short-cut" food, carbinated drinks such as sodas, beer and champagne. In the case of vegetables, they pass through the digestive system, and the carbohydrates are seperated from the solid waste, meanwhile picking up bi-product gases from the various types of bacteria in your gut, and eventually passing through the colon and sphincter to become a fart.

The reasons a fart makes its signature sound is because of the unique structure of the human butt, with the two fatty "lobes" creating a sort of "emptying balloon effect." This effect is caused by air moving through a narrow flexible space which causes the same sound as if you pulled the ends of a balloons tubes to create the high-pitched sound. The human fart is usually deeper though because it is much larger than a ballons tube.

That concludes the informational part of my speech and now on to my amusing fart stories.

My first story is about two kids in my third period PE Class, Jeff and Andy. These two guys sit around and have fart contests, and Jeff has a habit of walking up and farting on people. I don't know what this Jeff kid ate but he could damn-well fart on command, and his farts aren't just trading quantity for quality, his are quality and quantity. I swear if I ever had to go on a road trip with this guy, my worst fear would not be traffic accidents or hi-jackings, but the window not going down.

My next Story is about an animal, a dog to be precise. My dog, Molly is probably the grossest dog you'll ever have the extreme misfortune to be around. I'm sure all your dogs fart, probably more than you do, but do any of your dogs fart while barking? I didn't think so, this dog is quite zealous about protecting our yard, and because of this she tends to bark alot, which can lead one of two very disgusting things she does: The bark-fart, and the very rare bark-shit.

This dog has little or no control over her hindquarters so when she barks shes tends to fart at the same time, and even more disgusting we have observed her "blowing chunks" out of her ass while barking. We've only seen the latter once, but we've found evidence of it several times.

And a mystery I've found, why are your Loudest farts always when your asleep? I swear, if I had the same kinda gas I had in school that I had in bed, Jeez, you guys would be getting many more "interruptions" during your speeches, and also, when you do fart in bed, do you all have to stick our heads down and sample it? I always have to do that, its like I don't want to let a good fart go to waste, you know?

Also Why do farts smell differantly when you fart in a moist enviroment like the shower or the bath? I personally believe that it has soemthing to do with trading molecules with the water or something like that.

Now I'm gonna give you some tips on how to fart like a champion.

1. You remember how your mom always told you to each your vegitables? Well Vegitables contain the complex carbohydrates that make up the bulk of most farts. Some good selections are Cabbage, Beans and any other kind of fibrous vegitables.

2. It has been found that a Soda's Carbon Dioxide passes through your digestive system,so don't burp automaticly, save it for later.

3. Holding your farts in will not make them more pungeant, in fact they will probably be pushed back up and you'll be unable to let them loose.

4. Mexican food=Cleared rooms

5.So does Healthy Choice, if you put plenty of kidney beans and salad on your plate.

6. Drink much soda, and have I mentioned don't burp it up?

7. If your a hardcore Fart-master you look forward to St. Patrick's Day as much as or more than Christmas. (The cabbage, you know.)


If you follow these tips you'll get instant gratification, either that or your friends will avoid you like the plague. But believe me, its a flip up.

[pansypoo53219]

1. he should read Ben franklin on that subject

he farted proudly

[gardenista]

2. OMG, I cannot stop laughing! Tears and everything!

This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Hope he actually delivered the speech!

Our dog, bless her heart, was frightened of her farts. They used to chase her around the room. She would run away from them, looking behind her to see what happened, and then the running, I guess, would cause more farts, and she was always just mortified by the whole thing.