How do you define compatibility in relationships?

[populistmom]

(This is my NaMeaHou-esque thread.)

Seriously, in relationships (of the "romantic" variety), what makes it tick for you? Attraction? Great sex? Okay sex? None at all? Mutual interests? Mutual goals? Intellectual interest? Humor? Totally opposite of your partner?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. I can have little in common with the person I am with

as long as I can get behind their vision or see that I can contribute to their future and see that they are committed to mine, I can be with them. The attraction and sparks flying stuff is great but it isn't enough for the long haul.

[populistmom]

4. That's great

That whole mutual respect for each other's vision is very important. Yes, and sparks flying is nice, but doesn't do it for the long haul.

[JohnKleeb]

8. oops

[Susang]

2. Friendship

Sex drive fluctuates, attraction comes and goes, but if you are truly friends with your mate, you can deal with almost anything that life throws your way. And that's the truth! :P

[populistmom]

6. Very true

Espacially for women, the sex drive can be all over the place especially if you have children and deal with the physical toll that can take. Being friends first and foremost is optimal for sure.

[OneBlueSky]

3. generally, I find that if you can be in the same room together . . .

and not kill each other, you're probably compatible . . . at least a little . . .

[populistmom]

7. And not kill each other?

Damn, that's a little less than I'd want, but I guess my relationship fits into this catagory of compatibility at least (it's better than that even if taking it completely literally).

[mhr]

5. Romantic Compatibility

Sexual - similar sex drives
Emotional - similar emotional responses and reactions
Values - similar shared values and beliefs
Familial - similar maturation experience
Intellectual - similar intelligence
Educational - similar educational background and achievement
Political - similar political philosophies
Recreational - similar interests in liesure time activities
Goals – similar future expectations, home, children, retirement, etc.

Not all of these have to be shared or similar. However, observation indicates that a sufficient number of these must be shared to hold the couple together during rough times and long after the the blush of lust has worn away.

[populistmom]

9. Hmmmm....

Good list. What happens when over time 8 or 9 out of 9 becomes 5 or 6 out of 9? That's a toughie.

(Populistmom is probably revealing too much of her life tonight, but is trying her best while there's still a little time to do it.)

[mhr]

11. As A Divorced Man, I Spent Significant Time Contemplating Marriage

and what makes it work or fail, hence the list.

If too many of the items become agitations over time, then the marriage is bound to fail in one way or another.

Some couples might stay together but the marriages are dead as relationships go.

No magic here just hours of thought and observation.

[SOteric]

10. Compatibility in a relationship

for me is a level of communication in conjunction with the belief that there are things you have to contribute to one another's personal evolution.

With some of the men who've been important in my life I've quite literally talked and listened for hours on everything and nothing, and never felt time pass. That kind of profound communication extends to every level of a relationship. Sexuality is, after all, yet another way for people to communicate.

Attraction is nice, and it's always lovely to have fun. But for it to last, for me to consider a lifelong companionship, I have to be in communion with a man on more than one level.

Sharing some common core values is at least somewhat important. I've worked very hard for some causes I feel deeply about. I doubt I could feel compatible with a man who's values lead him to work against those same causes.

Other things are less important, - like tastes in movies and a tendency to wear loud ties. Those are not things which, for me, render someone incompatible. They're unimportant. Sometimes small differences in tastes and preferences are what make a couple compatible, - and able to intrigue one another years into a love affair.

[populistmom]

12. Awesome post.

I suppose a few years ago, I was much more "at peace" and felt like I understood it all better, but I agree with everything you said- core values, ease in communication especially. And no, loud ties and other minor things, not a big deal.

[caledesi]

13. When you are a "cheerleader" for your partner.

and your partner is a cheerleader for you. That says it all. Always, always be behind your partner.