Pure total crystalline 100% ego thread.

WilliamPitt

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Thu Nov-27-03 12:27 AM
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Pure total crystalline 100% ego thread.

In the last few days, a sideways discussion has been taking place on DU about me. If you, after reading that, have no idea what I am talking about, best you eject now, because the rest of this will be gibberish. If you're like, "Oh yeah, here we go," then read on.

The essence of this discussion has surrounded my ego, my desire to be stroked here on DU, or what have you. Normally, I would let this kind of thing slide, because in the past, engaging in conversations like this as reaped exactly zero benefits. But for some reason, or for no particular reason besides 'I Feel Like It,' I'm gonna babble a bit.

Here's the thing. I discovered DU one afternoon while sitting in a cramped office I shared with four other people during my first year of teaching. Maybe 50 people had heard of 'William Rivers Pitt the writer' that day. That day, I was just another person eating his own guts over the 2000 election, another person out there in the Great Wah with no power to do anything more than scream into my pillow and write essays no one would read.

So I started posting on DU. I became addicted, and posted and posted and posted. I felt weird when I didn't have DU available in a moment's notice. I got into fights with my girlfriend at the time about it because I got up 19 times a night to check LBN. She thought I had a problem. I proved her wrong when I wrote tweo books, including a best-seller translated into twelve languages, on the strength of what I read and learned on DU.

I passed through my second year of teaching, and then my third. I got hired by truthout, and became Managing Editor. My Iraq book got a lot of notice. I put pretty much every essay I wrote, and every important event in this process, up on DU. A lot of people here rallied to me, became allies and supporters and powerful friends.

Did posting all of this on DU help this process? Of course. There are thousands of people who pass through here every day, and a lot of them got to know me. I didn't sign up as 'WilliamPitt' by accident. I had a job to do, information to spread. Was it cynical of me to know this from the get-go? Maybe.

But here's the thing.

I did not start this process to 'get famous,' to enjoy noteriety, to be some cool guy. I have always tried as best I can to get my name as far out there as far and wide as possible. At times, I have been shameless about this. I didn't do this to get well-known.

Here's where the ego comes in: I DID THIS because I believe I can do the job that needs to be done - factual truth-telling to the people - better than pretty much anyone. I'm not trying to get famous for the joy of getting famous. I am doing it because I was born with a sharp knife in my pen, and I can draw arterial blood when I use it.

Why? For the people. For the country. Because I want to die knowing I did some good. Love me, hate me, go fuck yourself, but when they load me into my box, they can put on my tombstone that I moved the pile, changed the discourse, did some good.

And, for the record, lemme tell you the joys of being 'famous.' I have three separate and notable death threats against me, something I think about when I consider getting married or having kids. I have traveled over 40,000 miles throughout this country trying to speak the truth as best I can. Try 5,000 of air miles and cities and airports and hotels, and come talk to me.

I left hanging a good teaching career to do this, hanging on the caprices of one publisher (which went broke before my Iraq book revenues came in, meaning I get no money for my bestseller translated into twelve languages...not one dime), the hopes of another, and the slanted confidence that the truthout servers will last from week to week long enough to pay what I need to eat and live indoors. Teaching was easier.

Do I have an ego? I suppose I do. I have been from one side of the country to the other giving speeches to crowds that size between 50 and 5,000 people. I roar the truth when I speak. Ask around.

Here's a clue: It takes a degree of ego to do this, and do it well, day after day and week after week. Yeah, I have an ego. I need it for the job.

Here's another weird clue: DU is an incredible comfort zone for me. I came here as a newbie, just like anyone else. Nowadays, when I come to post at DU, I don't think of myself as WILLIAM RIVERS PITT, but as just another DUer for the most part. If you don't believe me, ask an old-timer. I'm the same asshole today as I was two years, six months and six days ago, when I first came here. People see me as 'famous' when I post here, and a lot of times I forget that. I have to. Remembering that steals my little comfort zone.

Anyway, that's it. People who think I do what I do to gain gratification for myself miss the point. I was an only child of divorced parents, and I am a voodoo master at self-evaluation from all the time I spent by myself. I know this much: I'm in this for the country, for the democracy, for you, and for my children. I have exactly enough ego to get in front of large crowds and scream the truth as best I can.

I have plenty of faults. Lack of self-awareness isn't one of them. Now, maybe, you know me a bit better.