Should I come out of the closet or not?

[reformedreformer]

I have dated women but not found very many of them interesting to me. I have known men that have interested me but I have not acted on it. Maybe I am destined to be alone.

I am 34 years old and never had a real serious relationship anyways. I love my parents and hate their politics. They are also extreme Christians whom take their religion very seriously. Kudos to them though as they have always loved me no matter what but I am worried.

Should I keep my feelings secret from them or not? What do you all think?

[FreedomAngel82]

1. I don't know

I've never had to go through that so I don't know. Hopefully someone else who has can help. :hug: I hope it all works out either way. Sometimes I feel that way too. I'm twenty-three and have never dated. I have had guys interested in me in the past but I used to have low self-esteem so I didn't take the guys seriously and thought they might've been joking. Now days I'm starting to get more esteem where it concerns guys and relationships. :hug: I'm glad you have good parents though either way. :) You're lucky for that.
Do they know you've dated someone of the same sex?

[reformedreformer]

2. woops, phone is ringing....

I need to go. Hope to see your respones later on tonight. Thanks in advance.

[NashVegas]

3. Get a Boyfriend First

You're going to need all the support you can get.

[FreedomAngel82]

Why should they get a boyfriend if it isn't their thing?

:shrug: Why should they put up a lie?

[NashVegas]

7. Because The Poster Seems To Think It Just Might Be

If he's going to come out to them, better to be sure he's doing it for the right reasons and not just unsure of his sexuality.

[Cleita]

4. Shouldn't you be talking to someone more in touch with you

about this, a brother, sister, aunt, counselor?

[f-bush]

5. If you do

please join what is called a Reconciling Ministry Network Congregation. There is one in Tacoma, Washington called First United Methodist Church [phone]

It is an open and affirming congregation actively seeking gay people to be a part of their congregation! This is a network of such congregations that have made that official declaration and they are located all over the country!

[FreedomAngel82]

6. I've heard of this

Do they try to change people like some of the fundies?

[realisticphish]

9. no, no

the UMC doesn't do any of that bullshit

[f-bush]

20. No absolutely not

These congregations are comitted to help you be yourself, take part in the life of the congregation as leader, follower or what ever you wish, but to make sure you know you are loved and valued for the person who you are.

They will also publicly support you in political affairs and also in other segments of life.

[Orrex]

8. First of all, welcome to DU!

Secondly, is it a matter of not finding these particular women interesting per se, or generally not being romantically interested in women?

Thirdly, since it sounds as though you're deeply (and understandably) unsure of your own feelings, and if you expect that your family's reaction will be damaging to you, then it might be wise to wait before telling them, at least until you're more certain about yourself.

Do you have a close friend in whom you might confide? An anonymous forum like DU can be a useful sounding board but is a clumsy tool for intensive self-examination.

Best of luck in any case.

[Canuckistanian]

10. Many famous Republicans have loved their gay kids

I could name "Crashcart" Cheney and Barry Goldwater.

Goldwater officially renounced his "anti-gay" stance and Cheney, well, he's sat on a fence.

It's hard to judge individual reactions. They could continue to accept you no matter what, or they could freak out.

But the former is usually the rule.

[sam sarrha]

11. what would your perhaps regret more in the future.. having told them some-

thing your werent sure of that could cause them much suffering or to not have told them anything..

life is short, theirs is shorter, enjoy what you can now, cultivate what you hope to.. avoid any disturbance in the force that is humanly possable.

[yewberry]

12. Just me, but

I think the first thing I would do is try to get clear on my own feelings.

You do say that while women don't really interest you, you've never acted on an attraction? Never had a serious relationship of any kind? If it were me in your situation, I'd first try to explore my feelings about men.

Once you feel comfortable enough to tell yourself honestly, "yep, I'm gay," then I might talk to my folks about it.

This isn't (at least on your part) about politics. It's about examining who you are and deciding whether or not to share that with your family.

Best of luck to you.

[tridim]

13. Sound's familiar..

I'm sure I'm not gay, but I've just never had much luck with hetero relationships because I'm shy and introspective. Someday I'll find her. :)

I would tell your parents.. They'll still love you as you say, "no matter what".

[marmar]

14. I had a friend in college...

Whose family members were hyper religious conservatives, and he lived an exhaustive dual life. He was very open and out at school (and in the tolerant atmosphere of the college newspaper, where we both worked) but not to his family. During Coming Out week on campus, he put up this big posterboard next to his desk at the newspaper office with a bunch of articles on coming out and pictures of gay celebrities, athletes and politicians.
One day, his sister came to visit him at the newspaper and sat at his desk, right under the billboard. He was a complete nervous wreck. His sister was kind of clueless, and never paid the billboard much attention, but he was sick for weeks that she was going to "find him out."
To make a long story shorter, it was tiring just watching him use so much energy to lead this double life. He was closeted to his family and the obnoxious drunken frat types he worked with at a state park, and very out to me and his other real friends on campus. Finally, he said "Fuck it," and told everyone. After graduating, he moved to Chicago with his boyfriend.
His parents didn't really accept it and told him he was immoral, but didn't shut him out all together, although his visits home now are strained. His sister loves her brother, and is struggling against all the crap she's grown up with to understand and accept who he is. Steve, my friend, feels like the weight of the world is off his shoulders, and discovered who his true friends really are.
And it's easy for me, a straight man who doesn't have to deal with society's homophobic BS, to say, "come out" and to hell with everyone, but I know it's not that simple. It just seems to me that in the end, living in your own truth will be best for your own mental health.

:toast:

[Chipper Chat]

15. Umm, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but

if you're 34 and never had a serious relationship - well, your parents and half of your friends probably know.
You should definitely come out to them.

[greenbriar]

16. just maybe its me, but I think this is flame bait thread

I see it now...
"hehe I got the dummies to think I am gay and I am going to post all they say on a different page.."



just my .02

[uppityperson]

18. Sometimes it is difficult to tell.

Let's see if OP comes back.

[greenbriar]

23. see...didn't come back

just too snarky to be real

[readmoreoften]

17. You don't need to have gay sex or a partner to know you're gay.

First come out to yourself and admit that you're gay. Then spend time getting to know other gay people. Then come out to your parents.

When I was coming out many, many people said, "Oh, how do you know, you haven't had sex with a woman yet?" Unfortunately, until you're out of the closet it's really hard to meet a lover who's worthy of your attention. So for a long time I felt like I wasn't 'allowed' to be out of the closet because I didn't yet have lesbian sex. Guess what? When I did, I liked it. I've never heard of someone who's known that they are gay who finally has gay sex and says, "EW! I never thought it'd be like THIS! I'm really STRAIGHT!" You probably won't fall in love right off the bat, but at least you'll feel like you're playing the right sport for once.

I came out in my early twenties. I waited until I was over thirty to be in a serious, commitment relationship. We've been together for almost three years and we're completely happy and in love.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

19. Wait until you're sure

to say anything to your parents. I shudder to think, if you later realized you were straight or not sexual, that your fundy relatives would gloat about their great victory over "sin" with their prayers and heavenly intervention. :eyes:

Do you have any gay friends you could confide in? Have any of the men you've been interested in expressed an attraction to you?

I wish you luck and only joy in discovering yourself... :hug:

[tjwmason]

21. Before anything else I think that you have to get things clear

in your own mind.

Are you actually gay, bi, or perhaps even asexual?

Your parents might not be the best people to speak to first, do you have any gay friends you could speak to - many of us have gone through similar experiences.

Parents can be endlessly surprising in their response. I know of strongly conservative (politically and religiously) parents who have barely flinched in response to gay children, and comparatively liberal ones who have freaked. It may well take them some time to adjust, on the other hand they may well know already. Unfortunately, there's no map to follow in terms of coming out because every journey is very different, but the more people you can speak to about it the less alone and the more support you will have.

[Heidi]

22. Where's the OP? (nt)