I have a crush on a guy. But I'm not gay.

[Lungs]

Or am I?

I am a regular poster on DU, but I'm using this identity to admit something: I have a crush on a guy.

But up until this happened, I thought I was 100% straight! I have a gf, but I can't stop thinking about him.

I've never had gay sex, I've never experimented, I'm in my 30s. This is soooo freaking weird and I don't know what to do.

Thankfully this guy doesn't live in my state, and I probably won't see him again for a long time. But it's weird that I feel this way.

I have no problem with homosexuality...I just didn't think this would happen to me.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I just had to tell someone. Any advice?

[joeybee12]

1. Are you thinking about him sexually?

Or just thinking about him in general?

Lots of kids have crushes on older people of the same sex, and it's more admiration. However, since you're in your 30's, this might not apply.

[Lungs]

3. I don't want to get graphic

this isn't a sex thread. But I have this weird desire to cuddle-up with him in bed. I'm not dreaming of sex scenes...just sleeping with him in my arms.

If anybody I knew, knew how I felt I would have to leave town.

[joeybee12]

16. Another question--where do you live?

I'm curious, because it sounds like a small town since you say you'd have to leave if people knew.

[Lungs]

21. I can't say what town

but it's not that small. 50k - 100k.

[joeybee12]

25. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anyway, until you actually have sexual desires for this guy, I wouldn't think anything of it. Lots of factors could be at work. You may not feel the same way in a few days.

[VelmaD]

35. I think that's incredibly sweet...

there's nothing wrong with wanting to cuddle up with a friend. I have female friends that I have cuddled with on occasion and I'm not particularly sexually attracted to them. Then again, that kind of physical closeness is more acceptable in out society for women than it is fo rmen. Which is sad.

Also, there's nothing wrong with having a crush on someone of the same gender. Frankly I think we fall a little bit in love every time we meet a new person we hit it off with. Has something to do with the newness of the relationship and that breathless feeling that comes with getting to know someone.

Just ride it out. If you start feeling sexual feelings about this person, well, that answers your question. If not, that answers your question too.

Feel what you feel and don't ever let anyone tell you your feelings are wrong. :-)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

2. I am gay and I don't think it is abnormal

I get crushes on men and women...mostly I am attracted to people who are powerful in their persona. I don't need to act on every crush I have and it doesn't occur to me to be concerned about it probably because I've already worked it out in my own sexuality.

In fact, when I first came to DU, I ended up having a HUGE crush on a poster who I thought was actually a man and turned out to be a woman. It was pretty funny.

It is probably a feeling that has occurred for you with other men but this time you noticed it. It's no big deal. Hang out with the feeling a while and if there is more there you will figure it out.

[dsc]

4. It depends on the meaning of crush

Why are you attracted to this man? Are they qualities that you actually want to be with or want to have? In any case sexuality is thought of as a continium by many people. My guess is that this person has qualities you want to have more than want to be with. I wouldn't worry too much yet.

[Nikia]

5. Yeah, give us more details

I was going to say that perhaps you have gotten closer to him than any of your other male friends and have strong emotional feelings towards him, but if he lives out of state, that is probably not the case. AS the other poster said, perhaps, you really admire him. Have you ever been attracted to men before? Is this someone who you know well. Is he a public figure (athlete, politician, actor, muscian)? I had several of my college friends be basically hetero but have had a crush or two on someone of the same sex, usually someone who they've had strong admiration for or a really close friend.

[Lungs]

9. More details:

He's a semi-famous public figure. He is gay. I had a few beers with him and I have been thinking about him ever since.

I've never been attracted to a man before. I have a strong admiration for him. You're right, maybe that's what this is about.

[ozymandius]

There is such a thing as a platonic crush.

It is possible to have an infatuation with someone of the same sex but not be sexually attracted to them.

This reminds me of a story told to me by an old friend and war veteran. He spent nearly two years with the same group of guys doing just about everything including fighting the enemy and each other. This group of men... they loved each other. My friend said that they would have laid down and died for one another. The admiration was just that strong. But to the heart of it all, they truly loved each other -- but not to the point of wanting to have sex. Of course, this was 1943.

With regards to homosexuality: each of us is part gay. Some people with flimsy nerves will poo-poo the idea. But there are instances when same sex attraction happens to confirmed heterosexuals.

It could be latent budding of a homosexual tendency. That's fine - happens all the time. But from the standpoint of where you are and where you will be five years from now - I believe that you must decide which side of you is strongest and let that part lead the way.

Perhaps this fella is a catalyst for these emotions. In any case, I would try to curb any wellspring of emotion from precipitating a potentially life altering decision. Give it time.

[Lisa0825]

6. I have felt the same way before...

I am a straight woman, and the first time I found myself feeling attractred to another woman, it was kind of a shock. I think it happened as I was becoming more open-minded and accepting of OTHERS, and so maybe my denial of ever being attracted to women started to break down. I still am way more attracted to men, and have never been involved with a woman, but I admit that now (as opposed to before) when I fantasize, often, women are involved in the scenario. I say don't get too worked up about it. You are who you are, and so what if part of that involves having a crush on a guy now and then. Accepting it wouldn't be the end of the world.

[Droopy]

7. I was confused about this at one time

About ten years ago when I was in my early twenties I thought I my be gay or bisexual because I really dug a friend of mine. It was a very complicated issue. I had a lot of different things going on inside me that fogged the waters. But at the end of the day I just had to ask myself if this guy really did anything for me sexually. The answer was no. I just really liked him a lot and I enjoyed his company. So ask yourself that same question. Try to fantasize about him in a sexual way and see what comes of it. Also do you find yourself attracted to other men or is it just this one guy?

[Lungs]

14. Y'know what...

you have a point. I guess I can't imagine haveing sex with him. But I do want to sleep with him.

My God! Maybe I'm Michael Jacksons long-lost brother! Good thing this guy is the same age I am.

[neuvocat]

8. Don't take this the wrong way but...

it might be a good idea to get some counseling on that, because there may be more complicated motivations behind it.

[Lungs]

12. I don't think so.

If I was gay I wouldn't have a problem with that. It's just that I am surprised I feel this way.

I'm not depressed I feel this way.

Imageing that you woke up one morning and you found out you could play the guitar without any practice. That's how it feels.
I'm just surprised I feel this way. It's so brand-new & I wanted to know if other hetro-guys have ever gone through this.

[johnnie]

10. ...

We have been pretty well brainwashed to think that if you have "feelings" for someone the same sex, it means you are homosexual. I think that it is normal to have feelings for anyone. If you feel sexually attracted, that is one thing, but to have a feeling of love or admiration for someone, that is just being human.

[drfemoe]

11. Is your friend

straight or gay? Any vibes from him? . if I can get nosy :+

[Lungs]

13. gay

Be as nosey as you want. This is my secret ID, so I don't care. Under my regular ID I would never admit to this.

[drfemoe]

19. I've known quite a few

bisexual or bi-curious men .. most of them married. They mostly keep it secret. (except on the anonymous www of course)

You'll work it out ..

[Boom_cha]

15. Why not utilize the built-in divining rod

that's hanging between your legs. If it springs to attention at the thought of your friend, or if it doesn't, well...there's your answer.

[Ellen Forradalom]

17. No advice, just that I've had the opposite problem.

I've had a crush on a gay, but I'm not a guy :-)

[Lungs]

18. I love your sig! LOL

[SOteric]

20. I suspect more people are bi-sexual, or at least aroused by both

genders than ever let themselves acknowledge it. And finding oneself attracted to a charismatic personality crosses gender considerations.

I doubt there's anything abnormal in your feelings, as much of a surprise at they may be.

My only advice is that depending upon the seriousness of your relationship, it would be ethical and kind to explain to your girlfriend that you have these feelings, even if you never plan to pursue them.

[johnnie]

22. I have never

I have never been sexually atrracted to someone the same sex. Why do feelings have to be sexual? I have loved the same sex, but never thought about having sex with them. Am I strange or abnormal?

[SOteric]

29. I'm not a psychologist and I don't play one on TV

I didn't suggest that everyone was in some way sexually aroused by both genders. I just think more are than acknowledge it.

If you think about what in pornography, for example, arouses; many of my acquaintances who view pornography(including gay & lesbian people as well as heteros of both gender) acknowledge that in pornography, both men and women depicted in sexual acts or situations are erotic.

And I made a separate and distinct statement for being attracted to charismatic persons of either gender.

I doubt you're strange or abnormal. At least about this, I can't speak for your abnormal fetish for oversized plastic dolls in bondage gear. ;-)

[Lungs]

23. Tell my gf?

Your kidding right?

But y'know...I would be okay if she told me she had a crush on another woman. I am not going to elaborate b/c I don't want this to devolve into a sex thread.

[Ernesto]

24. Advice

Go see your doctor, tell him that you want to have a colon examination. The exam where they shove that little TV camera up your rectom..... If you like that experience, go for it.

[Lungs]

26. That's the best so far!

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

[Booberdawg]

30. I didn't think that was funny.

I thought it was rude and obnoxious.

[Ernesto]

32. It was not intended as a joke

I have had that procedure done to me........ Told me alot about myself.... Think about it, Mr. sensitive, it'll creep up on ya.

[Rowdyboy]

33. I assumed it was a joke since

anyone with any real knowledge knows that gay sex ranges FAR beyond anal intercourse. That is a frequent misconception though.

[corarose]

27. As soon as you tell your girlfriend this she might just

Dump you and I am not being mean.

Watch out about telling your girlfriend all of your fantasies.

[Rowdyboy]

28. Over my lifetime, several "straight" friends have come to me

and wanted to try gay sex just to see how it felt. All of them enjoyed the experience and none turned into a homosexual. If you can admit you feel aroused by a man it just indicates that you're honest with yourself and in touch with your feelings.

Even if you're accepting of homosexuality, a little counseling might help. My partner of the last 15 years was separated from his wife of 18 years when he and I met. While married he was miserable, depressed and nearly suicidal. Counseling allowed him to see what he had surpressed for so many years and by the time we became a couple, he was a different person.

I wish you the best. To be so wonderful, sexuality can be VERY confusing.

[kyrasdad]

31. friends v. lovers

My best friend is straight. He and I go everywhere together and we have occasionaly shared a bed. On more than one occasion we have woke up with my arm around him or vice versa. We have a big laugh about it, but it was awkward at first. I was more worried than he was though. I'm not attracted to him in any way and I was worried he was and I didnt want to hurt his feelings. We talked about it and he said that he wasn't interested in "that", but he didn't mind the physical closeness, and not to worry because he wasn't about to jump the fence.

He was also born and raised in Europe. The idea of physical closeness between men doesn't seem to weird out Euro's as much as American's, according to him. And thinking about it, he's probably right, I mean if you hug a guy in public, or give him a kiss on the cheek, or say "I love you"... most folks would be like... uh-huh... card carrying member of the Dorothy Sorority.

So if you're thinking about sleeping with him but not thinking sex, I wouldn't sweat it... More than likely just your affection for him because of a friendship. I would mention this to him though, just in case down the road a situation arises that could be awkward for either of you. Mixed signals could be disaterous... As far as your girlfriend goes... I'd keep it to myself...

[populistmom]

34. I have no advice really

I'm very strait, but once in awhile I used to wonder what it would be like with another women. Then a bisexual friend of mine started hinting at wanting something to happen and it kind of freaked me out. I guess the bottom line for me is that I take sex more seriously (for me personally because I know my own emotional limits, not in judgement of the more recreational folks) and I wouldn't want to simply use another person for the sake of curiousity when I had no intention of forming a real relationship with them. Since that happened a little over three years ago, my curiousity went away.

[reknewcomer]

36. I've never experimented

Try it. You'll never know unless you taste the fruits of your desires.

In the end you'll choose what you feel is what you want for life...or not.