Word of Advice for Really Good Sex

[merry_jane]

I have to post this in a separate thread because this is important enough advice for all guys in relation to the "I want you know this is not forever" line in this other thread http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=492933&mesg_id=492933&page=">here.

I was really glad he said it because it made me see a lot of things about him. But, a word of advice to guys here: DO NOT SAY THIS TO A GIRL. I cannot emphasize this enough. Doing so will eliminate the possibility of good sex and is the kiss of death for her sexual arousal. You want to be honest but not that brutally honest. Even if you're a player, even if she knows she's being played ... don't mention your expectations for the duration of the relationship/fling/whatever. Even if he were playing me, this was an incredibly stupid move on his part, if I may be so bold as to critique his "style" and "form".

I had fallen pretty hard for him and I couldn't see all his flaws because of the swoon, euphoria, bliss, and rush of initially falling really hard for someone. For chrissakes, I know nothing is forever. I said what I said to the guy in a moment of utter bliss. He shortened that time of bliss from 3 months to 3 weeks because he opened his mouth. He stole my euphoria. Any physical attraction I had for this guy has been kissed by death this morning.

So he calls me up last night and tries to take it back. In my moment of feeling crushed that night, I told him that all I meant was that I wouldn't see any other guys behind his back. I didn't even mention what we talked about that night and just pretended that conversation never took place. He brings it up again (I don't know why -- I mean, for heaven's sake, he was the one that put his foot directly in his mouth and down his throat -- if you put your foot in your mouth, don't bring it up again until the other person does -- that way, it gives you leeway on the other person thinking that maybe you just weren't thinking at the time and maybe you didn't really mean it).

He comes back and says last night, "Well, you know what you said about not seeing any guys behind my back. Well, I want you to know that I won't see any other girls on you. I know I kind of just left it hanging the other night and I was thinking I didn't say it and I want to say it so I'll say it to you now. I know it must've been hanging over your head."

Well, actually it wasn't hanging over me. I was more distracted by his fatalism in the "I want you to know this isn't going to be forever" line that I really didn't notice. I told him this and clarified, "When I do start seeing another guy, I will be upfront with you and tell you."

Him: "It would break my heart."
Me: "Better I break your heart and be honest with you than to lie to you and play you for a fool. But I don't want to talk about it anymore -- this is exactly the bullshit downer relationship talk that we both don't want. I'm naked right now." (always a good, reliable way to change the subject for us girls).

Then, he starts making plans for next month "for us to go snowboarding and play in the hot tub" and asks if I want to go to Brazil with him in March. It didn't work to bring back the sexual attraction or the suspension of disbelief in the timelessness of the euphoria and complete sexual desire. I feel nothing now and am back to my old analytical and critical self.

The point of this whole rant: be honest but not that brutally honest. Don't ever say "I want you to know this isn't going to be forever" to a girl. You'll cut off the potential for really good sex that is entirely driven by the euphoria before the first 3 months of a relationship.

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[Deja Q]

3. At least he's honest!

I'd want to know that upfront and decide from there if he's going to grab my goodies ever. He probably won't be grabbing anything except either a cold shower, or a man who'll want to have sex with him (which means just about any man...)

And, yes, I've been lied to with the "it's going to be forever" schtick. But only once...

I've longed and pined for a man to live with forever. I'm a hopeless romantic. Screw that, I was just hopeless, and naive.

This award goes to all men, as my official response:

[merry_jane]

5. Forever until further notice

When one says "forever" in a relationship, it never really means forever. We simply have no concept of "forever". I'll admit I'm on the rebound right now. I just got out of a 5-year relationship with this guy that just mooched off me and just picked up one day and left. I was not surprised. He said "forever" many times.

I've picked up and left guys to whom I've said "forever".

Forever doesn't mean forever because as you get to know the person, this is subject to change. And, plus, people change over time.

"If Time and Space, as sages say,
Are things which cannot be,
The sun which does not feel decay
No greater is then we.
So why, Love, should we ever pray
to live a century?
The butterfly that lives a day
Has lived eternity.

The flowers I gave thee when the dew
Was trembling on the vine,
Were withered ere the wild bee flew
To suck the eglentine.
So let us haste to pluck anew
Nor mourn to see them pine,
And though our days of love be few
Yet let them be divine.

If Space and Time, as sages say,
Are things which cannot be,
The fly that lives a single day
Has lived as long as we.
But let us live while yet we may,
While love and life are free,
For time is time, and runs away,
Though sages disagree."

~ T. S. Eliot ~

[Kat45]

8. Nice poem. I'm not familiar with it. n/t

[Sting]

7. I need to have sex first..

in order to respond to this. :cry:

[NashVegas]

9. Now That I've Read Both Posts

I'm not sure who I think is more confused: you or him.

Then, he said to me, "I want you to be in my life but I don't want the same old routine where I can't go get drunk with friends on a friday night."

You're the one talking to the guy, not me. But from the tone, it looks to me, just the fact that he's imagining you could be the source of that kind of change in his life says yards.

MJ, you present this as if your main beef is that it's become a barrier to good sex. If being in a relationship with someone who's up front about being non-committal (or even just confused about it) is such a big sexual turn off, when that's obviously what you want - or at least the illusion of it - why are you there in the first place?

[ronzo]

10. Locking.

I believe that Skinner's ban on sex threads is still in effect.

Thank you,
DU Moderator