Family Visit from Hell

[Reader Rabbit]

I am a single woman, and I live alone. I’m not poor, but I do have to keep to a budget if I am to stay financially solvent. My brother and his wife have three children and live in San Diego. While I wouldn’t call them wealthy, money certainly is no object to them in most things. So it surprised me when they invited themselves to my house for their Spring Break. They certainly could have afforded a hotel, particularly since they drove my sister-in-law's company car, and therefore didn't have to pay for any of the gas!

I don't think of myself as inhospitable, but my house is a 800 square foot cracker box with one bathroom. I expressed reservations about three adults and three rambunctious children living in such a tight space, even for such a short time, but my concerns were casually dismissed. Despite the fact that we aren’t all that close—they usually only call when they want or need something—I decided to make the best of the situation for family’s sake. I got up early the day they were to arrive and cleaned the house for about three hours. I wanted to go to the grocery store to store up some provisions, so I decided to call them and see if there was any chance of them showing up while I was out.

They were still in San Francisco, sightseeing. And it was patently evident it had not even crossed their minds that they should call and let me know when they expected to arrive. Had I not called them, I would have been sitting around my house for most of the day waiting and wondering.

So in a fit of pique, I took myself out to Happy Hour—they didn’t think they’d be getting in until 8:00 or 9:00 at night. When I returned home from the pub around 7:00, there was a message on my answering machine. They expected to be at my house withing 30 or 40 minutes. They wanted me to order a pizza for them to eat when they arrived.

Oh, and my brother wanted a beer, as well, because he was tired from driving.

Since then, it’s been more of the same. I’ve gotten little sleep, because our schedules differ (I still have to go to work in the morning), and after I retire, they stay up watching TV and letting the children run screaming about the house. Closing doors and putting a pillow over one’s head only does so much to block out the cacaphony.

If there was even the pretense that they had any interest in me as a human being, rather than as an innkeeper, it probably wouldn’t be so bad. But so far, I feel that my presence is completely irrelevant to them.

I keep telling myself that it’s only for a few more days, but damn.

Any advice, folks?

[imperialismispasse]

1. Are you kidding with this post?

The only sane advice anybody would give you after reading this post is to have them get the fuck out of your house. They are ungrateful rude morons. Tell them to shove it. I don't even know why you had to ask. :shrug:

[kay1864]

5. I have to agree...

It's not like they'd have to go back to San Diego--they can get a hotel. You can always tell them that they're disturbing your sleep (if you really need a reason). I imagine they'll whine about it, but don't give in.

[LiberalEsto]

2. An advice columnist would say

this only happens because you let them.
Tell them no more visits, unless the visits are on your terms.

[kay1864]

3. Tactical nuclear missile?

:shrug:

[Maddy McCall]

6. LOL

:thumbsup:

[riona]

4. That's a hard situation to be in

Guess you just have to be really tactful next time and offer some hotel suggestions. You're probably wondering why you have to say something since the space issue is pretty obvious. However, people often find free room and board hard to resist - no matter what the circumstances.

[AirmensMom]

7. Do you care if they ever speak to you again?

If you don't, it's pretty easy. If you do ... why?

[Cos]

8. get'em out

Just tell them this isn't working for you, and you'd prefer they stayed somewhere else. If they seem surprised and want you to reconsider, you can "back down" if you want by setting some ground rules: Quiet in the house when you go to bed, they supply their own food because you can't afford it, etc.

[China_cat]

9. They're obnoxious and rude.

A lot of my family is a lot better off than I am but I wouldn't think of visiting them without chipping in some grocery money, buying pizza for the crew or taking them out to dinner at least once (or all 3 depending on the length of visit), helping out with house chores, etc. Your house is NOT hotel. I think I'd call one and then hand your family the reservation you made for them, reminding them that the hotel has maid service and a pool...which you do NOT.

[Kerrytravelers]

10. Family shit is tough.

Me, I tend to go for the subtle approach. I'd take me and my precious valuables and go to a motel. That might send a message and you won't have to say a word.

Bear in mind, however, that I hate my in-laws so much, when forced to spend any holiday with them at all, I sit there, without speaking, for days. I say "hi" and I say "bye."

Silence really can be better than words.

[Flaxbee]

11. ... better yet, ask them to pay for a nice hotel room for you...

that way you can be 'considerate' since they're only paying for one room, not two.

Or, tell them to leave. It is a HUGE imposition, esp. since you're not very close to your brother and his family.

Or, tell them they have to abide by certain rules or they leave; you have to work, it is your house, they need to be MUCH MORE CONSIDERATE and buy food and take you to dinner and contribute some money toward your upkeep, perhaps even pay for a maid to come in and clean once they've left.

[Reader Rabbit]

12. I feel like an abused spouse

After reading everyone's responses, I felt like I should start making excuses for my brother!

:o

Damn, how dysfunctional is my family?

*sigh*

[kay1864]

13. IMHO, they're not exactly dysfunctional...

Just inconsiderate. But very much so.

What (if anything) do you plan to do now?

[Midlodemocrat]

16. LOL. Not dysfunctional, just family.

Family tends to think it extends to ALL of the family when we know that not to be true.

My inlaws ALWAYS stayed with us when we had a Baptism or some other event with the kids, forcing my parents to stay in a hotel. It was as though they felt it was owed them.

My advice: Enjoy your family. I know it is hard, but try anyway. You will be glad you took the high road.

And, FWIW, your brother must have an amazingly high opinion of you if your house is where they chose to vacation. JMHO.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

14. I'm going to be frank...

Honestly, its your own fault you didn't tell them no to begin with. When they started making these plans and called to inform you they were staying with you, you should have stood up for yourself and just said "no, sorry, not going to happen. I can't afford it." You got yourself into this pickle by not speaking up. Now, you can either tell them you need your house back or deal until they go, letting them know that you aren't paying for anything else. Sorry to be blunt, but you really need to take up for yourself. :shrug:
Sorry you're having such a bad time. Hope they leave soon! :hug:
Duckie

[Reader Rabbit]

15. You're absolutely right.

That's where the dysfunction comes in. Right after they called and "asked" if it was okay to come up, I started thinking that it might not be such a bad thing, that it might be fun. Eventually I convinced myself that we'd have a big ol' time together. Saturday morning as I was getting ready for them to show, I was actually pretty excited.

Then, of course, reality reared its ugly head.

Isn't that the definition of dysfunction? Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results?

[Kerrytravelers]

17. I thought that was the definition of being insane.

But hey, doesn't dysfunction lead to insanity anyways? :evilgrin:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

18. That's actually the definition of INSANITY...

Not dysfunction. :shrug:
Duckie

[Reader Rabbit]

19. D'oh!

Actually, now that I think about it, I like the idea of being insane much better than being dysfunctional. It's much more glamourous! Dysfunction is so bourgeous.

[Jackpine Radical]

20. Go to Amazon.com.

Buy this:

Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships (Eighth Edition) by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons

Read it.

Seriously. I recommend this book to my patients all the time.

[sbj405]

21. Point them in the direction of the nearest.

You are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. They will continue this unless you put a stop to it.

Good luck.