Would you send this man a Christmas card??

[amandae]

My father-in-law (FIL) has never seen my children, or even attempted to come and visit them (and during the years he's taken some lavish vacations - now he's too broke to see them). He doesn't call them for birthdays or send birthday cards. The only birthday he acknowledges is my husband's (his son). I don't care that he doesn't remember my birthday but what about his grandchildren??? He'll even call for my husband's birthday and not say a thing about the fact that my middle daughter's birthday is two days after my husband's.

When his daughter, my sister-in-law, called him on not seeing the kids, he blamed me for not sending him enough pictures of the kids. :grr: Most people who love my children get pictures of them when they come to visit us and take them themselves, or print them off from pictures I send via e-mail or put online for them.

Every Christmas I send him and his new wife (MIL and FIL have been divorced for about 5 years) a Christmas card with pictures of the kids. I NEVER get a card from them. I know that his new wife doesn't leave out her kids and grandkids (hell, I know for a fact that they have cook-outs and get-togethers with her kids and he plays the family guy to her kids and their families).

I'm bitter and I know that I sound that way ... I want to leave him off the Christmas list this year, even though he is my husband's father ... What would you do?

:shrug:

[wryter2000]

1. I'd leave it up to your husband

Have him send the card. Tell him, "I'm sick of being ignored by your father. If you want him to get a card from us, you send it."

[amandae]

8. LOL .. if I left it up to hubby, he'd never get a card!

My husband is kind of tired of the way is dad acts also ... especially last year when he finally paid attention and noticed that while FIL called for hubby's birthday he didn't for our three year old whose birthday was two days after hubby's. He didn't even mention it ...

I have a long standing grudge against FIL ... I have tried, and succeeded for years, to be very polite and civil to this man despite how selfish he is ... he was a very cruel man when hubby was growing up (some of which I saw first hand ... the results of which I'm living with still).

[YellowRubberDuckie]

10. If he was really cruel to your husband growing up...

...why do you think he'd suddenly be mr. wonderful with your children? Cut your losses and focus on the good stuff this Christmas. Send him a card, but don't dwell on this. Just be thankful your children are healthy and happy and have people around them that love them and treat them well. Bless your heart for worrying and wanting him to be a grandfather, but he's not. You might as well think of him as your husband's father, not your children's grandfather, because he isn't. Focus on the people who do love them and care enough to send the kids well wishes on their birthdays. That's the best you can do. Have a very Merry Christmas, and enjoy the crap out of your family. You have no idea how lucky you are.
Duckie

[wryter2000]

2. P.S.

I imagine his new wife's family gets his attention because she does all the work. He just shows up.

[watercolors]

3. Just send the card

Its agame he is playing, don't bend to his level. Send the card as usual and forget the hard feelings you have. Why complicate your life? Enjoy the family and friends who care about you and put the annoying father-in-law out of your mind. Then have a great Christmas. We all have had someone like him to deal with in a family.

[bluestateguy]

4. Cut him

No Christmas card. Christmas cards are earned. Not sending him one after years of doing so would send a powerful message.

My mother keeps a list at home of all the people she sent Christmas cards to the previous year. When she receives a card in return she puts a checkmark next to their name. If someone does not send a card two years in a row, they are chopped off the list.

[amandae]

6. Thanks ...

That's how I felt ... my mother does the same thing only she doesn't keep track as well as your mom does. When filling out Christmas cards she'll notice that she hasn't received a card from someone in a few years and simply not send one anymore.

Thanks again :hi:

[Red_Viking]

5. Send it

Don't stoop. Really. You'll feel better knowing you took the high road.

Have you thought about enlisting the new wife? She seems hip on family if they have cookouts and stuff. Maybe she could help. Plan an intervention! :-)

Good luck. Sorry to hear this man is not enjoying his grandkids. Ultimately, it's his loss, but I'm sure it hurts the kids to be left out. Hope you can make peace soon.

:dem:

RV

[amandae]

7. Thank you ...

You and the others who said to send it have a good point. I guess I'm just bitter because it's not just Christmas, it's all year. He never calls to talk to the kids or, to my knowledge, even ask how they're doing. Then, when asked why he doesn't pay attention to them, he finds some way to blame someone else (like me) for why he doesn't see the kids. My husband even met his new wife in August of 2001 so she knows who he is and that he has a family ... she's fully aware of us (like I said, I've sent Christmas cards every year). I stopped sending him birthday cards, but I remind my husband when his father's birthday is and my hubby calls his dad to wish him a happy birthday. I should add that they still live in NY and we live in KS. Since we've had children we haven't lived in the same state as he does.

All the other grandparents are wonderful with the kids (MIL, and my mom and dad) and have great relationships with them. So I guess they're not missing out ... maybe I will send a card ... I don't know ... if I do I'm leaving out the pictures .. lol.

:hi:

[Red_Viking]

9. Good plan--

It sounds like the most important thing here is for YOU to decide not to spend any more cycles worrying about it. Your kids have some terrific grandparents. If he chooses not to participate, oh well! It's instinctive to want to protect your kids; trust me, I know, I have one of my own. But in this case you don't have much control. Let the anger go and you'll feel better, I bet.

I had one fabulous grandmother and one who was worthless. My fabulous grandmother was a constant fixture in our lives until she died from pancratic cancer in 1988. I still miss her. The miserable failure of a grandmother died not too long ago--couldn't tell you exactly when, since I didn't go to the funeral. She would not have known me had she run over me in the street. Did I suffer? Not really. I never knew her, so there was nothing to miss. Your kids will be fine, because they have a strong, caring, supportive, loving mother! :-) So make life easy on yourself. You deserve it.

RV

[Maddy McCall]

11. I would send the cardAND the photos...

Then you can say that you did the "right" thing, and you can forget about it.

If he doesn't respond, so be it. If he does, great. But if you don't send the card and photos, you are just dragging this out for more speculation i.e. "What if I would have sent the card and photos? would he have responded?"

Really, don't play a petty game with him. Do the right thing. In the end, it is he who will miss out.