A Delightful Romp- 12/07/03: The Missing.

[DrWeird]

(Warning: this review may or may not contain spoilers, depending on how well you could have guessed what was going to happen anyways.)

The Missing is a delightful romp. I think it's great when the plots of movies are completely different than what the previews imply, it really tricks you and plays with your mind; very intellectual. For example, the preview of The Missing seemed to be about a frontier woman whose young daughter goes missing, and given spooky imagery such as a cloud enschrouded moon, a mysterious white wolf in the kitchen, Tommy Lee Jones, etc. one is lead to believe this movie is a supernatural thriller, along the lines of Little Girl Lost, or The Blair Witch Project. In fact this movie is a historically accurate period piece, which illustrates a common plague inflicting white settlers- indian savages kidnapping da white women.

The movie opens on a western farmstead, owned by Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, (Cate Blanchett) who lives a busy but rewarding life as a single mom and career woman. Other inhabitants include here two daughers, her lover, and his Seedy Mexican Sidekick (who sleeps in the barn).

Dr. Quinn's father (Tommy Lee Jones) shows up on day. And I must say it's great seeing a master actor like Jones, he truly earned being a magna cum laude graduate of the Eddie Murphy College of Picking Scripts. Apparently, for Unexplained Reasons, it's a bit of a dysfunctional family. The father abandoned the family long ago to go off and live with the Indians, where he learned about yoga, tantric sex, and crazy native americans witches.

Dr. Quinn kicks dad out after tending to his broken ribs (by telling him he has broken ribs).

The older daughter (Jessica Simpson) is a typical teenager. She's mad at mom (Blanchett) because she won't let her go to the mall. The next day, however, both daughters, the lover, and Seedy Mexican Sidekick pack up to the horses and head off to the mall. Mom prophetically tells them to be careful, and they are promptly attacked by savage indian savages. The older daughter is kidnapped, the younger daughter hides, and both Seedy Mexican Sidekick, and the lover are brutally murdered. Apparently Dr. Quinn and her lover aren't that close, because this is the last we here about him.

I'm glad that modern filmmakers are becoming more politically correct in their treatment of native american culture. When the indians brutally kill white people and kidnap their daughters for sale to mexican pimps, the movie makers include a couple of white people in amoung the indians, for the sake of diversity.

Quinn goes to town to get help. Unfortunately The Cavalry, who is currently chasing after the rogue indians, is ineptly heading in exactly the opposite direction that the indians are going. That's big government for you.

Fortunately Jones, who hasn't been seen in decades but is an expert indian tracker and happens to be in town, comes to the rescue. Soon they are off to save the girl and kill the injuns.

Soon they come across The Cavalry (who were heading the opposite direction). The Cavalry were also tracking the same indians (despite they were going in the opposite direction). But they are of no help to the heroes (because they are chasing the indians, in the opposite direction).

Our heroes come to realize that the motive the indians have is to kidnap a whole bunch of white women, whom they're going to sell in mexico as prostitutes. It now becomes apparent that it's a race to the mexican border, "if they get to mexico it will all be over" says Jones, because as we all know Mexico is out of the jurisdiction of vigilante justice.

I find that I learn a lot from Westerns. For example, you can catch up with fleeing indians who have several days head start by setting up camp in the middle of the afternoon. Also, if you're in a narrow ravine in the middle of the night in a thunderstorn and you get caught by a flash flood, it will be both well lit, and not that dangerous, assuming your foot doesn't get caught in a bush it's just a matter of holding on.

I also learned that the indians had witchs. Not witch doctors, or medicine men, or wiccans but honest to God male witches that could cast all sorts of spells. Apparently these witches are real nasty people. Instead of using their incredible pagan powers to save their people from genocide, they use it to kidnap white women for sale to mexican pimps.

There is one such witch (Gomer Pyle) among the indians that kidnapped the Older daughter, and for exactly one scene this delightful romp IS in fact supernatural in nature. The evil witch casts a spell on Dr. Quinn, but is thwarted by Jones, who I guess is also a witch, with combination of blasphemous Indian mantras and the Holy Bible.

Soon our heroes get some help in the form of two indian warriors, who, in the great hollywood tradition of good guy minorities, are promptly killed without actually doing any good.

There is not just one, but two scenes where the girls are on verge of rescue but in both cases their escape is failed because of hysterical screaming women.

This all sets up for the big finale. Jones and Quinn against numerous indian savages and witches. I won't tell you how it ends up, but in the second big finale we see Jones, Quinn, and several rescued would-be prostitutes face offf against numerous indian savages and witches. And I won't tell you how that ends, but I will tell you that it involves several melodramatic deaths, which at the most inconvient times turn out not to be really death (just stunned, apparently) which then involves second melodramatic deaths of the same characters who we just thought were dead. No matter how many times I see that cliche it still surprises the hell out of me. What a great movie.

Now playing. Highest recommendations.

-Dr. Weird

[A-Schwarzenegger]

1. If only!

"The older daughter (Jessica Simpson) is a typical teenager. She's mad at mom (Blanchett) because she won't let her go to the mall. The next day, however, both daughters, the lover, and Seedy Mexican Sidekick pack up to the horses and head off to the mall."

[KG]

2. heh.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. You can read my thoughts on this typical Ron Howard abomination here

You summed up the idiocy pretty well with this bit: Soon they come across The Cavalry (who were heading the opposite direction). The Cavalry were also tracking the same indians (despite they were going in the opposite direction). But they are of no help to the heroes (because they are chasing the indians, in the opposite direction).

I hate Ron Howard as a director.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=470528

here's what I said:

I saw it this afternoon. And, as I predicted in the thread we had about this last night, it didn't work at all.

I mean, it sucked in that typically Ron Howard method of sucking. Too many subplots, no actual real plot, no cahracter development, lots of emotional manipulation, a fair amount of half-ass attempts at "artistic" cinematography of the beautiful New Mexico landscape that never failed to, well, fail... it was that Ron Howard way of sucking that is almost a really amazing movie, and one feel constantly that "Ooh - this is gonna be a cool scene!" and then every time he drops the ball and misses it.

Yeah, overall it sucked. Howard even managed to get below par performances from Tommy Lee Jones and Cate Blanchet.

Why do studios let this assmunch continue to direct? My God, with the cast tehy had, and the money they surely spent on this movie, if it were me putting up that many resources, I'd demand a director worthy of the expense.

And here's the thread I referenced in that post:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=465444

I am so despising of Ron Howard, I can't tell you. I'm like the evangelist of anti-Ron Howardism. He's such a schmuck. What he did to Beautiful Mind I shall never forgive. What he did to Parenting (and Steve Martin) I shall never forgive. What he did to the Grinch, I shall never forgive.

[DrWeird]

4. Can I get a whoop-whoop?

Or can I at least get more feedback?

I'm thinking of doing a regular series of reviews.