What IS passive/aggressive? Post examples if you can.

[Beausoir]

I've never fully understood what passive/aggressive means.

I think it means people manipulating to get what they want. If that's the case, then aren't we all passive/aggressive?

Anyone break it down for me?

[XemaSab]

1. It's doing things that aren't OVERTLY hostile, but kinda take on a hostile

meaning in the context.

For example, my friend G lived in this house with a woman who owned a cat. G thought she didn't love the cat as much as he did, so he started caring for the cat. He thought it would be easier if the cat food was in the house instead of in the garage, so he moved it into the house. She then moved it back to the garage. He moved it back to the house, and it went on from there.

All this was done because G thought N wasn't taking very good care of the cat, and there were some other issues. But instead of acutally talking about the issues, it became a battle of wills over the location of the cat food.

:shrug:

[leeroysphitz]

2. It's like when you get a chance to sleep in late but your

significant other can't and is resentful so he/ she starts doing noisy housework which "accidentally" wakes you up.

[libodem]

3. Don't get mad ...get even

by doing nothing. For instance being late. It's not an overt sign of aggression, but it can inconvenience people around you, and make them pay for being crappy to you without starting a fight or getting yourself into too much trouble.

[Beausoir]

4. My ex BIL was like that. Chronically late.

Once, his sister was getting married in her home...and the guy had to turn the car around on the way there because he had the wrong shoes on. Since it was a home wedding and very small..they delayed the wedding until he arrived...35 minutes late.

Passive aggressive?

[deadparrot]

5. It's what I'm doing right now.

Blasting the Rent soundtrack in an attempt to get my roommate's douchebag, redneck, Toby Keith-loving boyfriend out of the fucking room.

[tigereye]

7. that's funny!

I'm terrible, I know. Would Rent be their idea of hell?

[deadparrot]

13. Mmmm...I think so.

Like I said, he's about a big a redneck as you can get. He listens to all that flag-waving, gung-ho, pseudo-patriotic country "music." If you know or look up the lyrics to "La Vie Boheme," mmmmmyeah, it kinda clashes. :o

But, hey, I think it worked. He's gone now. :D

[tigereye]

23. I wish Falwell and all the Fundies would have to sit in a room

and watch it over and over until they actually get the concept of compassion.

Like Sartre's No Exit. ;)

[deadparrot]

24. Wouldn't that be cool?

I'd love to see that...it'd require lots of :popcorn:

:D

[merh]

12. Damn - I have it blaring right now too

maybe it is just the universe's effort to have us work together to get the Toby loving mofo out of the room. :freak:

[deadparrot]

15. It worked like a charm.

:D He left a little while ago.

:woohoo:

[merh]

16. Cool!

:woohoo:

I love the Rent CD and I just got the DVD in the mail, I'll be watching it tonight. :popcorn:

[deadparrot]

20. Enjoy it!

I've loved the musical for a long time, and the movie was great as well. :hi:

[nytemare]

6. Sigh. I wanted to sit in a booth. Sigh.

Rather than just asking to sit in a booth to the hostess, this comment is made to you, so you will ask the hostess for a booth.

I sort of see it from people who don't want to take responsibility if the booth should suddenly collapse, then, it is your fault because you are the one who asked for the booth.

This is my mother. The sighing cross-bearer.

[tigereye]

8. mmm

I really think people should just ask for what they want. Being passive aggressive is really a sign of self-loathing. People need to like themselves enough to feel that they deserve what they want and go after it.

[AlCzervik]

9. i have one for you---

years ago my father was dating this woman and when they broke up she didn't yell get upset but she walked out of our house and let the air out of all four of his tires. I guess she was pissed but she never said so, her actions proved otherwise.

[gollygee]

10. It is aggression that looks like you're doing nothing

so let's say you don't want to go to some event. You say you'll go, but then you stall as you're getting ready until it's too late to go.

Or you are always late because you're trying to piss someone off. But you don't tell them you don't like them - you're just always late.

[Virginia Dare]

11. It's like when you post something on DU...

claiming that it's just an innocent question, but it's really flamebait.

:dilemma:

[merh]

14. ding, ding, ding!

We have a winner! :applause:

[Inland]

27. Why is it that so many DUers lie about posters on DU?

Like that.

[Virginia Dare]

31. I was being passive/aggressive....n/t

[caty]

17. I've always thought it meant

getting even with someone, without them realizing it. Ex: If you don't do what I want, the next time you ask a favor, I won't be available. That kind of thing.:shrug:

[Shakespeare]

18. Why don't YOU post some examples?

See, that's passive aggressive. :evilgrin:

[Beausoir]

30. LOL! n/t

[La Lioness Priyanka]

19. spend a week with my mother...

you will see passive aggressive before alcohol

and then aggressive-aggressive after alcohol

[merh]

21. awww

:hug:

[Inland]

29. Nothing like a jigger of Old Aggression, 80 proof. nt

[Maine-ah]

22. stupid boss......

my boss. I asked her to stop smoking in the store (state law too). and she basically has, but she still lights them up at the door, and then walks outside with them, I can still smell it at my desk. Its her was of saying, you can make me smoke outside, but this is still my business, so fuck you. (LOL, little does she know she can still get fined $1500 for just doing that)

I quit smoking (cold turkey) a couple of a couple of months ago when I found out I was pregnant. I'm working on another job at the moment, got an interview. Cig smell makes me want to puke now. I'm planning on turning her in to the state when I quit.

[LeftyMom]

25. My sister is the master of "advice" that's really thinly veiled criticism

and if I call her on it, then she will criticize me for being defensive, because you see whe was just giving advice, because she loves me. That kind of thing is what passive agressiveness is- it's when they know they're attacking and you know they're attacking but they've created a veil of plausible deniability rather than just telling you what they think.

If you still don't get it, just watch pretty much any sitcom with a mother-in-law charachter. They're all crazy good at it.

[Ariana Celeste]

35. Oh yes........

My SO's Step-mother is like that, and his dad is too- to a lesser degree.

"Advice" that is thinly veiled criticism- and "jokes" that are thinly veiled insults.

Fortunately his mom is golden... a good woman. *un*fortunately... we don't get to see her in person, but we get to see his dad and step-mom, because they are only a state away.

:sigh:

It drives me. fucking. insane. to have them around. :banghead:

[Inland]

26. My neighbor, perfect example.

Really shitty neighbor, plays his music too loud, let's his dog shit all over, but he'll insist that all anyone has to do is come over and let him know that something's bothering them and he'll take care of it.

Of course, that means I've got to wake all the way up and go over to his door, because he can't hear his phone, or find him to talk to him about his dog, and you know what? He's never really all THAT gracious about it, and he just does the same thing next week. And I can go over and let him know about that, too.

In sum, he thinks that he's entitled to do whatever he wants and fuck you--aggressive. But he doesn't dare say so to anyone's face--passive. So he just gets drunk and blasts his stereo as if he has forgotten, and doesn't pick up his dog shit as if he doesn't realize that THAT dog shit is a problem, because he hates all of us and just doesn't have the fortitude to admit it to himself or us. Passive aggressive.

[seaglass]

28. I'll give you an example of what I did last weekend which

I think was could be described as passive-agressive.

I found a great spot to park at my son's baseball game, it was cold so I knew I'd stay in my car and I brought my homework to do during the downtimes.

Everything was beautiful until the 5th inning when a woman and her daughter showed up and set up their chair right in front of me. There was LOTS of room on either side which would not have blocked my view. I'm assuming they didn't see me in the car (since the daughter also hit my car with her chair as she was walking by and didn't say anything to me).

So I could have been DIRECT, got out of the car and asked if they would move over - but I don't like confronting people and I thought well maybe I don't have a right to an unobstructed view from my car or maybe they will see me and just move...my PASSIVE instincts are coming to the fore.

Then when another woman came over to chat with the first woman and I could see nothing, I started to get mad. Then I thought I could be AGRESSIVE and honk my horn at them and wave. No, that would have been too AGRESSIVE.

So instead, I got out of my car and stood next to the woman who came over to chat, got into her personal space a little bit. After a few minutes, I went and got back in my car. A few minutes later, the woman and her daughter moved their chairs over. That was PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE. Obviously the best way to handle this would have been the DIRECT way but sometimes it's the hardest.

[SOteric]

32. Everyone gets angry,

passive/aggressive behaviour is about how one handles the anger.

A passive aggressive individual doesn't like conflict on confrontation and goes to great lengths to avoid it. If you ask a passive/aggressive person to do some little errand or task that they'd rather not, they'll smile and go along with it and then just not do it; or do it and fuck it up so you won't be tempted to ask again.

I used to have a coworker who was the poster child for passive aggressive behaviour. She often left big copy/collation projects have sorted on the copier. If we came to her an hour or so later and asked if she was done, or if she could move her work aside so the rest of us could use it, she be the soul of graciousness. Sure she would, no problem, sorry to be in the way. Then she'd walk into her office, close the door and not come out for another 3 hours without having touched the project in the copier.

If anyone called her on it, or confronted her, she'd be again, the soul of gracious apology. It just slipped out of her mind. So sorry. Then she'd go back into the office and close the door for the rest of the day.

Sometimes a passive/aggressive person has 'accidents' instead of getting angry. For example Todd will get peeved at people and maybe tell one or two of us who he's known for a long time but never admit to even the slightest irritation with the individual in question. However there is a disconcerting tendency he has then to 'accidently' break that persons computer, prang his or her car in the parking lot, lose their data at the last minute making them repeat an odious project...or something.

Those are some of the ways passive aggressives behave. To a great extent they're people who cannot or will not acknowledge their own aggressive behaviours (including anger, jealousy, ambition and a host of others) and reflect them in less constructive ways.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

36. Exactly...people confuse covert with PA...they aren't the same

[Road Scholar]

33. Google it. nt

[Debi]

34. !

:rofl:

[Road Scholar]

39. I'm series!!!!!111

[medeak]

37. "well, bless her heart!"

down south that means...lordy look at that terrible perm, can you believe that horrible outfit?

as in..."aren't her children adorable....bless her heart"

[Karenina]

38. My kids' dad is from Minnesota

and THEY are the PROFIS! At one point I made a list of "Verbotene Phrasen" for the boys as I was tired of being jerked around and just wanted a YES or NO. "I guess so." "Sure we 'could' do that (but I'll sabatoge every effort you make)." As I type I can't even remember them all as I've BLOCKED THEM OUT! But the minute I hear one of those mealy-mouthed, non-commital, plausible-deniability statements, I whip out my HAMMER. IS IT YES OR NO?

[rug]

40. I won't.

[oldcoot]

41. "You are so brave for wearing that dress"

Passive-aggressive comments are often insults that sound like compliments.

[Southsideirish]

42. My sister in law is P.A. She will complain, but do nothing about her

neighbor who wakes her up every morning with her loud clock radio at 5:30 AM and it takes her hours to fall back to sleep yet she will snap my head off over a trivial matter i.e., the address or location of a certain building.
Also, with her 90 year old mother, in a nursing home, she would be especially aggressive and hostile yet when a nurse came in she would be very meek and quiet.