does anyone suffer from social anxiety disorder? My son may be.

[Sperk]

He's 19 and just finished his first year of college. He had to come home after the first semester. He liked the school but could not deal with having a roommate. Having a drug dealing roommate didn't help much. We got him transfered to another room but he then had to deal with a girlfriend (roommates) coming and going all hours and staying the night! Yuck.

My son is so modest, i haven't seen him without a t-shirt on since he was 9 or so. he's always been quiet and shy but I didn't realize how much of a problem it had become for him. He started to withdraw from activites and spend a lot of time at home. He came home and commuted to a local state school.

The good news is that he wants to go back to UMass Amherst and is now in counceling to help him overcome his fears. We are hoping the doctor will write a letter to the school stating that he has issues and really needs the privacy of his own room to be able to concentrate on his studies (he's very smart but struggled the first semester because he was so miserable).

So, I was wondering if anyone of you have this or know someone who does, and perhaps can offer some advice. Thanks.

[SeattleGirl]

1. It sounds like your son is doing the right thing by getting counseling.

I have social anxiety, and take meds for it, but I'm going to refrain from giving advice, as I'm not qualified. But as I said, I think your son is doing the right thing by seeing someone who IS qualified to help him.

It seems a hopeful sign that he is wanting to go back to UMass.

[Sperk]

2. thanks seattlegirl. I think he's going to be going on meds too.

good luck to you. :-)

[SeattleGirl]

10. The meds have really helped me enormously.

One of the benefits I've had is that I don't lose my temper over stupid idiotic things like I used to. And I mean really stupid idiotic things. What I found out was that the stuff I'm taking blocks the re-uptake of serotonin, which is what helps my mood, and my functioning. I call serotonin the "brain bumper". Without that "bumper", people can get agitated, angry, bitchy, snippy, etc. Not saying that everyone who is agitated, angry, bitchy or snippy needs meds. Just sayin' that for me, it's worked. I hope that if your son goes on meds, that they help him as much as they have me.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

16. I agree . He is doing the right thing by getting counseling.

I did'nt the know the problems that I had at the time that I was first in college eight years ago. And I wish I went to counseling instead of running away from college.

[Deja Q]

3. Any evidence of childhood trauma(s)?

[Sperk]

6. you mean other than an overtired, crouchy mother on occasion?

:evilgrin:

No, he was very quiet but had friends, played sports and did very well in school. He thinks it kicked in more when puberty hit. He says he wasn't so self-conscience before. All teens think the world revolves around them but he sounds like a classic case of a social anxiety patient. he has a fear of saying something or doing something that makes him look foolish.

I haven't been the best mother. I can be crouchy if overtired but I think I did a good job with my kids. My hubby is in the merchant marines and spends half of the year away so I did most of the child rearing. DOH! I guess I have to take most of the blame for mistakes. :-(

but both my kids are very smart, very honest and hard working (school wise anyway) and have a lot of integrity. Never in any trouble at all.
:-)

[Ivan Sputnik]

4. He's lucky to have parents who recognize that this is a real problem

And don't just say "get over it." Sounds like you and he are already on the right track. I know there are meds that have helped some people, but that's something to discuss with a doctor.

[northamericancitizen]

5. My 15 yrs old son has an OCD and like yours it is about anxiety.

OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder


While mine is scared of germs yours seems to be scared of people. Both condition affect more males than females and can be developed before teenage.

It is often combine with "weird" personal rigidity. Like wanting to wear the same cloths all the time, avoiding physical contact with others etc. They also hate any kind of change in their routine.


First thing is to get the proper diagnostic. And make no mistake it can't be done in a 20 minutes appointment.

If indeed he is suffering from a phobia:

It can be help by counseling but in most case it's been proved more effective to take pills at the same time.

It is quite a painful state to experiment and most see themselves as "weak" because they can't snap out of it by themselves.

Untreated it generally leads to a depressive state.

When my son was 11, I was finally able to find a psychiatrist. He was then in a deep depression. This had to be treated before we could address the other problems.

He is now without meds and has a relative control over his phobia. But he knows that he will eventually have to go in therapy in order to learn how to cope with stress and anxiety before his OCD climb back way up there and cripples him again.

The proven therapy for phobias and compulsions is " Cognitive Behavioral"

I wish you good luck and my thoughts are with you and your son.

It is not easy to deal with any kind of mental illness, it takes determination, openmindness, courage and optimism. lol Anyway that's what me and my son needed to get where we are now.

If you need more specific info: On the web, or about my personal experience as a parent, feel free to ask. The more he and you will know about his condition the more you will be able to find the right tools.

lise

[Sperk]

7. thanks for that info. My son is very uncomfortable with physical

contact. I was the only one he was ever affectionate with. He was very, very affectionate with me when he was little, up until 7 or 8 and then pulled away quite a bit. I figured that was a normal boy thing to do so I never pushed the issue. Now that he's a young man, I sneak up on him once in a while and steal a hug or quick kiss on the cheek. :-)

[northamericancitizen]

9. You are lucky mine doesn't let me do that anymore...

Hopefully he will grow out of it. His primary personality is warm an open.

[retrospective66]

8. Mention your wish for his isolation to his therapist

Find out if it really is the best thing for him. (at this point it maybe, I don't know) College is a stressful time for kids. Sometimes these things come out. Just don't jump to conclusions as to what is best until speaking to the therapist.

Your son sounds like a wonderful, thoughtful young man btw.
Best Wishes...

[Sperk]

11. thanks so much, he is by far a much better person than I.

n/t

[retrospective66]

34. That can't be true

Because YOU raised him! :-)
God Bless

[Sperk]

36. Awwwe, thanks. I feel the love. Right back atchya!

:loveya:

[patsimae]

12. The poor kid

Just what he needs for a roomate: one who deals drugs, another one who's sexually active. Just enough, even if he were a borderline case, to drive him over the edge.

Is there another school he could attend that would be able to accomodate him with a private room?

Sounds like he had a run of bad luck with roommates, and maybe he would have been ok if he had gotten a nice, normal roomie.

[Sperk]

14. We can't afford a private college - 30K and up a year (with scholarship)

but I think he has a good shot at a private room, if not this year then next (junior year). He can commute from home until then (worst case).

Maybe he'll find a pushy broad who won't let him withdraw too much.....like his father did :evilgrin:

[northamericancitizen]

18. If your son has a diagnostic and his therapist

thinks it would help him to have a room by himself, the school has an obligation to give him this "personal accommodation".

I know that the poster below me doesn't agree with that. (accommodation)

But when a specific patient is working toward gaining back control over his life, the preferred approach is to start with the LEAST incommoding fears and work his way through more difficult one. This has more chance of success cause it helps in building self-confidence.

nac

[RoyGBiv]

You misunderstand me ...

Me being the "poster below" you.

If a therapist thinks such a thing is a good idea, by all means the therapist's advice should be followed. What I've encountered, though, in my personal life is a group of people, all of whom experience some level of social anxiety, self-analyzing and providing self-therapy solutions contravening what a therapist would suggest. They would often rationalize various behaviors and never even attempt to find solutions for them.

The eventual goal is to face your fears and move past them, but you often have to do that in stages, which I think is what you're saying here. A good therapist will lead you there eventually. However, if the fear is of one major thing and little else, it doesn't do a lot of good to skirt around that major issue indefinitely. To my mind and based on my experiences, both with myself and with others who have the same issue, something like sharing a room with someone else is one of the minor things, a symptom of a larger, sometimes a much larger, issue. For someone with intense social anxiety, that sort of situation wouldn't normally be the breaking point, again based on my personal experiences.

Despite any of what I'm saying here, I want to make clear here that I do *not* disagree with you on the point of doing what the therapist says should be done. I am not in any way shape or form a therapist. I just have my own experiences and was offering an opinion based on those.

[Kire]

31. You're offering a medical opinion.

That is why I alerted the mods.

[RoyGBiv]

35. What is your issue?

No, I'm not. I in fact said I am not a therapist, and the advice of a therapist should be followed.

But whatever you say. Try to have a conversation with someone, and I get this crap.

I'm out. Bye.

[Kire]

39. Right, you're not a therapist.

Which is why you shouldn't be offering medical advice.

She asked for similar experiences, not opinions about what she should do about her son.

[northamericancitizen]

38. Hello "poster below me" ....RoyGBiv,

Thank you for not taking it as an attack.

You'r right I took your post as a general statement but in the back of my mind I knew that I could be wrong.

So, here I say that I am happy to have have wrongly concluded.....

nac

[RoyGBiv]

41. Hello "poster above me"

It's all good. :-)

On reflection, I should have worded my comments differently. I've struggled with this, get angry with myself about this, to the point of screaming at myself inside my head when I realize what's going on but still not doing anything about it at the time, so I sometimes come off as too harsh. Projection on my part.

[northamericancitizen]

42. So glad you're back..

Your words were OK. Hey, it's a discussion board and we are all responding too fast too often. Mind you, I am usually doing the opposite: taking to much time to write my opinion. I weight every words, check spelling, signification etc.

You could very well call me a compulsive perfectionist when it comes to writing. lol

In my opinion your posts even thou a bit too black and white, did not come out as medical opinion. You stated clearly at the beginning that you had (have) a similar problem in life.


Nice to meet you

nac

edit for spelling

[Sperk]

28. that's how i feel about it too. One step at a time.

n/t

[RoyGBiv]

13. I do ...

You're not going to want to hear this, but the private room thing is just playing into his fears, not solving them.

The best therapy I had was going to work in a convenience store where I was forced by circumstance to talk to people, all kinds of people. I can't say I'm over it by any means, but in social situations I can draw on my experiences with customer service through the years and function quite well when I give the effort.

Recognizing that the disorder exists is the key to working around it. (You never really fix it because when you're past your teens, certain aspects of your personality are hardwired. You just learn ways of not letting the negative aspects freeze you.) After that, it's a classic "facing your fears" sort of thing. You cannot overcome fear -- and it is based on fear -- by working your life so as to avoid that of which you are afraid. A good therapist will lead him to that.

[Sperk]

15. he is working in retail right now and doesn't seem to mind the contact

with people. I know what you are saying about the room but I have to say, I think as long as he is going to his classes, working, staying in therapy and hopefully being able to join some sort of group (preferably martial arts), he's a black belt in Kung FU, then I think the respite from the word while he worked on his school work would be more benefical than harmful.

Thanks for sharing!

[RoyGBiv]

17. I won't press this ...

I don't like getting involved in personal situations like this where I don't really know the people involved, but since I did, I'll say one last thing.

If he truly has no problems functioning in social situations (working in retail is a social situation if extended periods of customer contact are involved) other than interactions with a roommate, that's not social anxiety disorder. People with social anxiety essentially have mild cases of agoraphobia. Wanting to be alone on his own turf is a different sort of problem that won't be solved by not having a roommate. Now, having said that, having a roommate is not everyone's cup of tea for certain, and I think a person can function quite well in life without ever having one. Still, if you and he both think this is not normal, this might indicate a unusual need for privacy that might affect him when it comes to something like finding a significant other.

[Sperk]

19. true, he just started counceling a few weeks ago so we'll have to wait

and see what the doctor says. This may seem kind of strange, but i think the reason he can function in public when it's "business" is that he doesn't feel the fear of rejection like he would in a social situation. I'm sure he's quiet at work and only speaks when spoken to, and he goes to class but tries to go without being noticed too much. if he's not in class or at work, he kind of hides in him room.

[patsimae]

24. I tend to agree here

If he has social anxiety it must be on the "soft" side, and how would he be if he had an ok roommate who wasn't dealing or screwing?

By the way, does he have any friends?

[Sperk]

27. he had "buddies" but after middle school they kind of drifted apart.

That is my main concern with him, he doesn't seem to have the ability to emotionally connect with people. I think emotions kind of scare him a little, if you know what I mean.

[Kire]

26. there's a rule against giving medical advice at DU

you just broke it

[RoyGBiv]

29. So alert on me then n/t

[Kire]

33. done

[Sperk]

32. I'm not looking for medical advice, nor do I think I'm receiving it. JUst

some friends sharing their stories. Thanks for looking out for us though. :-)

[MichiganVote]

43. Well honey...I am a therapist and I know therapeutic advice when

I see it and Roy's posts ain't it. So bugger off, they are having what is called a dialogue and from the looks of things, its harmless and you're not.

[Kire]

44. How am I not harmless?

I'm willing to apologize, but what did I do?

Also, how do I know you're a therapist?

[MichiganVote]

46. How do I know you're sorry for playing the unasked for role of

thread tattler? And may I add, who died and made you God? These people are merely talking, it happens sometimes. Raising the anxiety of people with problems by suggesting they are violating some mythical interpretation of the "medical advice" rule is hardly sympathetic.

Say sorry, make nice, and give a little to get a little.

[Brigid]

20. One roommate dealing drugs,

and another who had girlfriends coming and going at all hours? Who was really the problem in these situations? Somehow I don't think it was your son.

[Kire]

21. It's funny you said that about t-shirts.

I have gynecomastia (male breasts), so that, naturally, gave me social anxiety disorder. I haven't been in a pool in 15 years. Actually, one time I went in all that time, and I couldn't stand it. And when I was a teenager at the pool, I would always have my hands under my armpits in case anyone would see me. Not that they wouldn't notice a kid who would not take his hands out from under his armpits. I tried swimming with a t-shirt on, but that was dreadful, too.

In the locker room, I always put my new shirt on while my old shirt was only half off, so I wouldn't expose myself.

So, in an answer to your question: yes, I have social anxiety disorder. You may think I'm brave for posting this, but I'm really glad I don't have to show any pictures.

[Sperk]

23. I've struggled all my life with my weight , so I can relate...NO PICS!

:evilgrin:

[idgiehkt]

22. I'm pretty sure I have it but I don't have any advice.

People are tempered differently and living in a dorm would have never been tolerable to me had I not been chemically altered most of the time. That is a unique situation and not everyone can handle it. Not everyone can handle living with a roomate either. I had terrible problems when I was that age and ended up dropping out of college after two years and struggled with addiction for three years after that. I'm out of it now but it sure has altered my life path, and not for the better. I would say do anything you can to keep him in college until he completes his degree. Get the doctors note if at all possible. Yes a person can develop certain skills but temperment is pretty much inborn. You can experiment with different recommended drugs from doctors if you feel that will help him. I have gone through a list of anti-depressants. It is what it is and you will both just have to walk the path. I have had all different kinds of jobs and it still hasn't changed my innate temperment. My problem is not so much that I am shy as that I am not naturally agressive, and at the same time am way overly sensitive to my enviroment and people in it. Add to that the fact that my mind just races alot of the time and it just makes for a pretty unpleasant time around other humans. I think American culture as a whole is enamored of this aggressive 'ghetto' attitude right now in everyone and that is making shy, quiet, introspective people feel like bigger freaks than we even do normally. That is especially true of young people who are more influenced by pop culture.

edit: someone mentioned childhood trauma and I know that played a factor in mine. I had an ill event happen to me at six and according to my mother had a complete personality change afterward, in her words became very 'shy and withdrawn'. It makes me angry to think it was so obvious then but back then you just didn't get counseling for that kind of thing.

[Sperk]

25. Thanks for sharing your story. I will make sure I do everything in my

power to keep him in school.

[northamericancitizen]

30. Hello idgiehkt,

Did you visit this special DU forum?

The loners group.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=281

You may find it interesthing.

nac

[idgiehkt]

37. wow, a 'group' for loners. interesting concept, lol.

I'll check it out. Thanks so much!

[northamericancitizen]

40. My pleasure. Yes it is kind of strange to belong a group of loners. lol

It's also a lot about the "Highly sensitive person".


http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

[Sperk]

45. thanks for the link

n/t

[Call Me Wesley]

47. Locking.

Please remember that DU members are not qualified to provide medical advice. Please do seek the advice of a medical professional.

From the DU rules:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/forums/rules_detailed.html

Thank you!

Call Me Wesley
DU Moderator