Why is it that everywhere I go, I feel like an outsider looking in?

[Deja Q]

Even at church, where people are supposed to be friendly and social; the "fellowship of man". Talk about spurious!

Not just an outsider looking in; that feeling of being unwanted, overlooked, and ignored. Or even at work... ignored. And if my supervisor hasn't noticed firsthand I'm still being ignored out of things by now... :mad:

[In_The_Wind]

1. It takes a while to look closely and realize that the folks on the inside

looking out are searching for an escape door = people aren't always as happy as you think they are.

[Deja Q]

2. Really.

They do a pretty good job of hiding it when they talk with each other. A catharsis.

There ultimately is no escape.

[In_The_Wind]

3. Really!

When I was young I enjoyed riding around looking at Christmas lights every year. As I grew through my late 30's my attitude changed. I started to wish for the happiness I thought I saw instead of just enjoying the pretty pictures with animated figures inside of Thomas Kinkade type of homes. It made me very sad because just like you I was clearly on the outside looking in.






It's not REAL!

[Deja Q]

4. Oh, I think what the married/partnered get in return for their arguing

makes up being single and incompatible with the world.

[In_The_Wind]

7. Enjoy being alive.

I know exactly how you feel but it doesn't help to wallow in it. Go out to a park or a botanical garden and feast on the beauty of nature ~ forget about human relationships for a while.

:shrug: You might even notice other people alone doing exactly the same thing!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

5. Everybody is on the outside looking in.

At least, they think they are. But there is no "in."

[Gatchaman]

6. I've always felt like this

I guess it's just who I am.

[Droopy]

8. A couple of things

1) You are probably not happy with yourself. I get that vibe from you here sometimes.

2) You may not be assertive enough. I think you've said before that you are an introvert and have trouble in social situations. You are plenty assertive here. You just need to transfer that into the "real" world.

Of course I've never met you in person and I could be way off. That's just what I've picked up on from talking to you here.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. I'm one, too. But being that way might get you overlooked by some people unless you get out there and speak your mind.

[Southsideirish]

9. I think its normal to feel that way when you are by yourself, I know I do.

When I'm with someone - I feel ok, however. How about you?

[bedazzled]

10. i think that the greater your awareness, the harder life is

and the tougher it is to belong. some of the greatest visionaries on earth were considered misfits.

i find it hard to relate to some people around me at times. they run from place to place, spending vast amounts of cash on insignificancies, seemingly unaware of the problems in society.

i guess i'm more of a misfit than they are, but i wouldn't change it, even though it's the harder road. i feel closer to reality, i guess.

[AccessGranted]

11. You're Not Alone

I've always felt that way, but I've learned to live with it. Sometimes I've actually felt like I was on the wrong planet.

[Porcupine]

12. You're an alien. Get used to it.

I know the feelling. It doesn't really go away even if you do get married. Anyways, marraige is just the first step in your divorce which will last much, much, longer.

I suggest Zen. Write me and tell me how it works out.

p.s.- avoid parks, there are couples and families with kids there and they all glare at single lonely guys.

[txwhitedove]

15. Hmmm, BEST advice here all day for everyone...

[Deja Q]

24. How about Mork instead? Nanu-Nanu?

:rofl:

(forgive me, my juvenile levity, I do understand what you are saying and I do avoid parks. Even as a photographer not caring about their happy families, I note them packing and and vamoosing shortly after I arrive. I don't think I'm a child molester... I was violated by one, but that in turn does not make ME one. x( )

[libodem]

13. You seem like an insider, here at DU

Someday, I hope to be as popular as you are. You seem quite well known and liked. Want to each start a thread and see whose sinks faster? See, I thought so. :)

[Deja Q]

23. Mmmm... I've had plenty drop like stones, only later to find others

who post the same thing (later on) get dozens of responses.

That happens to everybody, probably. And their posts do go to a level I don't. It must be that level that the crowds find pleasing. :)

[Name removed]

14. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Nikia]

16. Maybe you should seek out other outsiders

There are outsiders in most places. Some are inherently outsiders because they don't share certain characteristics with the insiders like where they grew up, their race, their ethnicity, their religion, their gender, their sexual orientation, their educational background, disabilities etc. Others could be insiders but choose to be different.
Perhaps you should seek out other outsiders.
The other key is to believing that you are equal to the people who you are dealing with. Not only will you feel better, but people will actually start treating you better when you no longer approach them like you deserve to be treated poorly.

[Deja Q]

30. Thank you.

:hug:

And an eye-opening point. Yes, I will work on believing I am an equal.

[leftofthedial]

17. you should try going to the mall when the stores are open

[kiraboo]

18. Everybody feels thata way, or most everybody.

The secret is to make use of it. Instead of responding to your feelings of aloneness by withdrawing - in conversation, in life, whatever - put yourself out there. I am paralyzingly shy, but in the last few years I have learned to hide it. I get up close and personal. I talk to everybody everywhere I go. And the result... people talk to me! It helps if you're genuinely interested in what goes on in other people's heads, as I am. Once you are talking to that complete stranger in the grocery line ahead of you, every single time you shop, you will see how incredibly alike we all actually are. And you'll know you are no more on the outside than the next person despite your present perceptions.

[Beware the Beast Man]

19. Actually- stop being nice.

Sometimes, it's just rewarding to pawn off all that bad karma upon someone else for a change. Be selfish. Don't care for others. It works!


Ps- I really am a nice guy, in person. Yeah...

[Droopy]

20. You are a nice guy in person

I know that for sure. Remember me? :)

I've seen folks on here get on HypnoToad for being negative sometimes. It has irritated me too in the past as he can tell you. I've given him the drill sargent routine a couple of times. But then I remembered that it wasn't too long ago when I was expressing similar thoughts....

[Beware the Beast Man]

22. You're a better man than I, and I really mean that.

Thanks, Droopy.

[WindRavenX]

21. are you in therapy?

Coz if not, you really, really need to find a good therapist-- it's taken me a long time to find one that has actually helped me. Just going through the motions isn't enough, because there are a lot of therapists that for whatever reason, just don't work for someone.
I wish you luck. :hug:

[NNadir]

25. I always think of you as a DU insider though.

You're well liked here.

[Name removed]

26. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Deja Q]

27. Never? Not once?

Agreed; I rarely post positive things; their occurrence is sporadic. But definitely not never. Here's one example.

And, yes, my sense of humor can be juvenile.

And, doubly yes, I appreciate your honesty. Feel free to be frank as well. If I can't take what I can dish, I shouldn't be around at all.

[Derailer]

29. I guess I overstated

but you have to admit you tend to be moribund *almost* all the time. And I wasn't really faulting the juvenile aspect of your humor so much as it comes across like you have sex on the brain a little too much. Go get some some NSA action already!

EDIT: I bet that would improve your outlook alot, seriously. I've gone a month at a time before...NOT fun :(

[Deja Q]

31. I agree with you,

Particularly my moribund attitude. That will catch up with me if I let it dominate my life.

And, :blush:, I'll keep trying for the "NSA action". Not the GD version of NSA, mind you... :D Wrong NSA... :rofl: Again, it's all the prevailing attitude and as I've been told, if I come across as wanting to be treated as an equal and not as a begging punching bag, I'll be far better off.

[Deja Q]

28. I did a cursory search...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=5173952
is another positive-oriented post.

But I see you've got a star. You're a paying member. Since I didn't make the accusation, I suggest you do some searching of your own. I know of at least of two other posts devoid of negativity. :7

[blue neen]

32. It's tough to do when you are dealing with disabilities,

but really try to concentrate on the positive things in your life. I know you have them; you had a really nice post recently of good memories with your dad. It sounds like your parents are special people. :)

Asperger's can make it tough to perceive the vibes that other people are giving off, and IMHO also makes it difficult to track your own vibes. Maybe you can find a therapist who can help you "rewire" your brain to channel the positivity in your life. It's takes a lot of effort, but it really works.

Best to ya'! :hi:

(Believe me, we all struggle!)

[Deja Q]

33. I know.

Took me YEARS to find someone who had the knowledge and intellect to do the necessary listening and testing.

And, if I don't do my part, it's all wasted time. That is not logical either.

[hunter]

34. I always feel like that.

Honestly, nine times out of ten, when I force myself or I am forced into social situations, I think to myself, Well, this is highly unpleasant.

Noisy parties are the worst, I don't understand what anyone is saying, even when they are talking directly to me. At best I can pick up bits and pieces of things and struggle to fake conversation.

So why is everyone so happy at parties? I'll never understand that.

For much of my life I was pretty miserable. Sixth grade through high school was hell. I was always an outsider. I was fortunate to have a few teachers who sheltered me, and a few friends who shared my obsessions with electronics, submarines, insects, Star Trek, or other similar things.

College was much the same, I was still an outsider. If college was any better it was because bullies were not slamming my face into locker doors, pushing me into the mud and stepping on my head, picking me last for sports teams, etc., etc. But I was still weird.

Then one day, and I could tell you the exact moment, I had this idea that I could start acting like the person I wanted to be.

Well duh.

I was well into my 'twenties when that happened.

Until the second grade I lived pretty much in my own world, but then I noticed not everyone got called away from the classroom for speech and "posture" classes. I felt pretty special about that. I used to get a lot of praise because I could read very well, probably at the high school level, and I figured I was getting out of "Dick and Jane" kinds of reading because of this, not because I couldn't talk and I couldn't be trusted not to split my head open on the monkey bars. I didn't figure out the negative connotations of "special classes" until the fifth grade when a bully mentioned it while smashing my face into a pile of horse manure after school.

One of my grandmas was the sort who started asking me about my girlfriends when I was in the sixth grade. Yes, I was interested in girls, but by then I figured they were pretty much unobtainium since I was doing my best to be invisible. This feeling persisted throughout high school. One of the reasons my grandma figured I didn't have girlfriends was because I didn't talk much, especially on the telephone, so she enlisted her friends to coach me. Later she enlisted my sister and her friends into the conspiracy, and this was still going on into my early twenties when some of these conversations were getting quite risqué.

This education continued with the first woman who called me her boyfriend. I wasn't really her boyfriend (it's a long story) but the happy ending of it all was that by the time I met my wife I wasn't too tongue-tied to ask her out, and we could have some pretty good conversations on the phone.

I think maybe my point is that the "why" of this is possibly unimportant. This may be something that will never be fixed, so you work around it. If you are missing legs or eyes at birth it's not good use of your time hoping you'll somehow grow them.

[khashka]

35. Joani's right

Sometime's it's not about you. All god's chillun got problems. And we mostly deal with our own issues. And we aren't always as open as we could be.

And "overlooked unwanted" Are you crazy? Haven't you figured out yet that I'd count myself a lucky man to have you as a lover or a friend? I keep finding things I want to share with you, I don't feel that way about most people.....

Now quit dissing yourself... you are so wrong and you're making me mad.

Khash.

[NMMNG]

36. It's sort of like Joan described

Try not to be so hung up on the "supposed to's" in life. People in church are supposed to be friendly, social and accepting, but they aren't always. Our families are supposed to love us more or less unconditionally, but they don't always. We're supposed to be educated, have successful careers, happy relationships and a whole host of other things, but things don't always work out that way.

As much as the media, advertisers, family, friends and others try to sell the concept of "the perfect life" to us via Norman Rockwell paintings and cute commercials with happy families around the Christmas tree, this is a fantasy. An unfortunate side-effect of these false images is that people can use them as a measuring device, and feel their life is severely lacking by comparison.

Even in "real life" situations that appear wonderful aren't necessarily so. Apparently happy relationships are, under the surface, fraught with significant problems. People who seem to "have it all" really don't. Appearances really can deceive, and in doing so they can cause harm to those who seek to define their lives by them.



That being said, if you feel you are being ignored in situations it is up to you to make people pay attention if you really require or want the attention. I know how incredibly hard it can be but only you can do it. If your input/work on a project was not recognized, speak up. When you want to be part of a conversation, do so. You can even join a community group or volunteer somewhere to get out and interact more with people.

From what I've read of your posts you are a likeable guy. Now get out there and share it! :hug: