I don't know how much longer I can take lying to my mother.

[hatredisnotavalue]

I had to take her check book away from her yesterday. She is living in a nursing home and has overdrawn her account???. She asked me to leave her some of my checks, but our family's business finances is run thru the account,(LIE) and I told her no. I told her I would put some money in her account and when the check cleared I would give her back her checks. (LIE) Needless to say she got really mad at me. She told me yesterday she thought she had $4000 in her checking account when in actuality she had $14. A couple of months ago, the nursing staff stopped her before she mailed a check for $1000 to an animal rescue league for Katrina pet victims. I told her I mailed the check for her. (LIE)

She asked me to get her some over the counter drugs, which I knew she couldn't have. I told her I left them at home and would bring them next time (Yes, I am a wuss, (LIE again) and then she asked me how her cat was that she left with us when she broke her hip and had a stroke. Fine I said. Cat would be 21 now (LIE, cat's dead)

I am not a good liar, never have been especially to my mother.

Do I keep lying and feel like crap or just lay everything on the table and have her get really , really mad at me.

Sorry for the rant....

[Haole Girl]

1. That's sad..that you can't find another way

I don't have any real original advice. Lying is very hard. For one thing, you have to have a good memory! Seriously, I really feel sorry for you. Is there someone at the nursing home who could give you ideas of other ways to handle the situation...maybe? I don't know. It sounds like a very difficult situation to be in, though, and you have my thoughts and prayers...and hugs...:hug: :hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

4. Thanks. for the hugs, I need them. .

I will ask the staff at the nursing home. Although I am sure there is a "pat answer" to this, it is still hard when you are the one in the middle of such a situation. Thank you KC2 for your post.

[mad-mommy]

2. don't be sorry....

This is a difficult situation. It's not like you are doing this with bad intentions. The other hard thing is getting yourself to stop feeling like crap.

If you were to have a talk with her, would she remember it? would it deeply hurt her feelings?

[hatredisnotavalue]

3. Yah It would

She's there, but not all there. I am so afraid that I would confront her and then she would die and that would the last thing both of us would remember. Plus I only visit her once a week and I would hate to have her have a bad visit between us and live with that meeting until the next time I saw her.

[mad-mommy]

6. I feel....

I feel bad you are in such a tough spot. I know this may be hard for you to do, but you have to try and stop feeling bad about it. just remember, your intentions are good intentions. there have to be lots of people in the same situation, so maybe the nursing home would have some helpful suggestions?

[hatredisnotavalue]

12. Thanks so much mad-mommy

It's just so hard because the nursing staff will say lie, we will be the bad cop, but then you hate yourself for not being big enought to stand up to the situation. I know I would never want my kids to treat me the way I am now treating my mother.

[Kali]

5. Its not lying.

I took care of my Grandfather and watched my Dad and my Aunt with their mother - they were always trying to correct her - why? It doesn't solve anything and upsets everyone. With my Grampa I just agreed with him and changed the subject to something else - like you would distract a young child from having a tantrum...I also shamelessly used my young son as a diversion - gave Grampa the "job" of watching him in a playpen or in his walker - in reality I was watching both of them but it made Grampa feel useful and distracted him from getting riled up about other stuff.

It's not lying - it's just taking care of a loved one who isn't capable of doing certain things anymore. Its not dishonest, really.


Oh man do I have stories, sorry you are going through this, I know how tough it can be.

[hatredisnotavalue]

7. Thanks Kali

Your post made me feel much better . I'm not lying, I'm just taking care of a loved one....Sort of like telling kids Santa isn't coming unless they are good :) Done that before!!!

[mad-mommy]

9. my grandma

packed up her bags every day , saying she wanted to go home. Initially we tried explaining why she couldn't, but she would forget or get upset. When she started asking about deceased loved ones, we just said they would be here later. It appeased her. telling her the truth would have upset her, since this was a daily thing, it would have meant upsetting her daily. There is that fine line because they remember some things and not others.

[ScreamingMeemie]

8. You are doing what your mother did for you when you were a small

child. Basically protecting her from herself. She can't make those decisions anymore, write those checks. You're saving her the embarassment of really knowing that. Think of it this way...You sent that check (if you could have). Say it silently to yourself each time you are in that situation. If you were able you would have. :hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

13. I understand protecting her

but she is so darn belligerent when I tell these lies. She hates losing the control and I know she knows that I am lying. She's there, not all there, but still there.

[Redstone]

10. You keep lying. You have to. It's not easy, but you must.

Redstone

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. Redstone...

:hug: You have been not far from my thoughts on a daily basis.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

14. If she has dementia, she won't remember from day to day

Tell her what you need to tell her to get her out of her obsession.

One evening when my mother and I were visiting my stepfather, he kept asking, "Do you think it's too late in the evening to call Mother? I really need to give her my new phone number."

We said, "I don't think she's home now. She said something about going out of town."

And he finally accepted that.

One evening, my brothers and I were visiting, and my stepfather kept saying that he wanted all our phone numbers. I simply gave him one of my business cards and pointed out my phone number, and that satisfied him.

[Name removed]

15. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Haole Girl]

19. Or, another question,

how do you think we feel...with comments such as yours?
You know...since you are so deeply concerned and all.

:shrug:

[Floogeldy]

20. My mother had Alzheimer's and dementia.

I shut down my business and was her sole caretaker for over two years (except for her last three months on Earth). I don't remember lying to her at all, much less continuously.

This thread should be about the OP's mother's feelings, not yours.

[Haole Girl]

21. It's not about me, Floogeldy

Believe me when I say that.

And, while your mother's illness was very horrible, it doesn't excuse you.

[mdmc]

16. next step

lie, then lead in to the truth.
"I left the OTC meds at home. I'll bring them when I return. Why is it that you need them? I cannot bring them, they will do you harm.

You are doing fine and hang in there.

[Midlodemocrat]

17. I had to lie to my dad all the time when he was in a nursing home.

He had dementia and was always wondering where his car was, where his wallet was, etc. I even lied to him about why he had to have his leg amputated.

Some times lying is the kindest thing to do. He never got mad about it. I would tell him that his car was at my house and I would bring it tomorrow. He was fine with that.

I miss him. He was a great guy.

[caty]

18. I went through the same thing with my mother.

The people at the nursing home told us not to lie to her. And in the beginning we didn't. Then one day my mother asked me where my dad was. I told her that he had died over 20 years ago. She looked at me as though she was hearing this for the first time and broke down crying. After that, I started lying and told her whatever it took to make her happy and give her peace of mind. And it made our visits a lot more pleasant. She stopped complaining and worrying about things. She had dementia and several serious health problems and would never leave the nursing home. I never regretted my decision. She thought that my brother was my dad. So, when she asked where my dad was, I would tell her he had to take the car in for repair and would be in to visit her later. She was happy with that. After a while she forgot I was her daughter. She thought I was just some nice lady who came to visit her everyday. I accepted that and she was happy with my visits. I didn't really look at it as lying--I looked at it as something to make her feel good about the daily situation.

[hfojvt]

30. your brother was your dad

I used to get that all the time. I would visit my dad's aunt or my grandfather's cousin and would talk about my dad. They would say "Huh, your dad's dead isn't he?" thinking about my grandfather. Maybe they thought I had dementia and did not remember that my dad was dead.

[Blue_Roses]

22. I know it's hard--

parenting our parents--and it feels like every move or word you say to protect them is lying or deceitful, but keep in mind, you're dealing with a situation that isn't your "norm" (I'm guessing there is dementia)

I worked in a nursing home for three years and the one thing that I saw over and over and over was guilt from the family members. Guilt over having to place their loved one in a nursing home when they said they never would. Guilt from "lying" when they would rather tell the truth (to keep them safe). Guilt about leaving them when they feel that they should have them at home taking care of them. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Also, from the resident standpoint: it's hard for them to give up their independence. That's all they have left. I had many residents who said they would be going home after they got better when in reality that was not likely to happen. It's hard on them to see their lives slipping away and the "tug-of-war" with daughters (as in the case with my mom) and sons for what they perceive as "control" over them is frustrating, when in reality it's just that you love and want to care for them.

It can really take a toll on you as well. Take care of yourself and know that you are making decisions that in a "normal" given situation you wouldn't have to make. Don't look at it as lying. Look at it as loving and protecting your mother. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job caring for her. She's blessed to have a child like you. So many are just put in a nursing home and left there.

I finally started a family support group meeting at our nursing home for family members to come and vent their feelings and they found solace in numbers.

Once again, take care.

:hug:

[necso]

23. Showing some consideration for

the disadvantaged isn't a bad thing.

And she sounds like she could use some consideration.

Moreover, the "lie" that isn't used to exploit, dominate, disrespect or disadvantage -- and that serves to protect those who need protecting, without doing them (real) harm (and especially when doing them good) -- isn't some great sin or disservice.

And, indeed, one can argue that consideration means (in this case) avoiding (worse) confrontation and not making the other party feel even worse (bad, completely powerless, etc). One cannot always use the most "idealistic" (to the "western" mind, anyway) means to effect one's principled ends. (Although one should not immediately revert to using unsavory means, even if it's extremely tempting to do so (since these means are often effective and efficient, and ready to hand) -- because it's too easy to become a creature of these methods (there is great power and appeal in the "dark side")... Ah, there's the rub.)

Everything is circumstantial.

[Flaxbee]

24. do you have power of attorney over her finances?

if not, get it, and get it soon. My mother was in this position - she just wanted stuff, was living on welfare, mind you, but credit card companies will give cards to anyone. She charged up over $14000 of stuff, and then when she couldn't keep up with her minimum payments, she'd just write a check to pay it, knowing there was no money in her account, then call us and demand we put money in her account to cover it.

She didn't want to cope with the fact that she had no money left, the house was gone, the cars were gone, etc. My mother had early dementia, and some of her actions were purposeful because she was frustrated, and some were because she could no longer accurately manage her finances.

At some point, if she has or is getting dementia, you and your family or her attorney will need power of attorney for her finances. At some point, you're going to have to have this conversation with her - and she will be mad, because it's one more freedom that is gone. But you need to do it to prevent a train wreck over money.

Tell her you need power of attorney over finances in case of an emergency - if she gets ill, needs bills paid, etc. (all of which is true) and then if the money situation gets worse, you can at least help her manage it - banks won't talk to you unless you have power of attorney. And it's better to tackle these issues sooner rather than later.

I'm sorry you have to go through this - but you have to be responsible for her when she is no longer able to be responsible for herself. And you can do it kindly and with sensitivity.

[SOteric]

25. Read this link.

It's a short story by Mark Twain. I could be wrong, but I think it will help you feel somewhat better and give you a different perspective on the untruths you tell your mother.

http://www.online-literature.com/twain/324/

[QMPMom]

26. I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

We went through this with both my MIL and FIL. When DH finally had to lay the law down to FIL about a few "facts of life", he was dreading it mightily. The biggie was taking his van away from him because he was a danger to everyone in the city when he drove. Much to our surprise, FIL didn't fight him at all. I think he knew he was slipping and wanted someone to make the decision *for* him. MIL, on the other hand, was another story entirely. She fought every step of the way and it was very difficult. She was spending money right and left. Every charity or offer that came in the mail got money out of her. It was to the point that she didn't have money for food and we were having to provide groceries and take meals to her. When she was put on a restricted diet and we'd refuse to get the restricted items for her at the supermarket, she'd order gourmet foods (all restricted items) and had them delivered to her. It was a mess and caused stress all across the board.

Do you have a POA or Guradianship of your M? If not, you should contact AARP or an attorney and make sure those things are in place. It's a tough thing to have to do, but you are only protecting her.

FIL had Alzheimer's and we had to make tough decisions as to how much info to give him when he asked about certain things. For example, he was upset that he hadn't seen *his* M in a while. DH and I looked at one another and just told him that she was in another room and would be back soon. It was a total lie. His M died in 1944 in WW2 Germany and this was maybe 7 or 8 years ago that this happened. We decided that it was best to lie because his memory was such that he would forget what we told him within minutes. If we had told him the truth about his M, FIL would have been devastated - and he would have been devastated every time he was retold that she was dead. For the same reason, we never told him that MIL had died. Sometimes you have to fudge the truth and lie for their own good.

Best of luck.

[Catshrink]

27. I remember the day I took the car keys away from my mom.

It was painful and she was angry but I had to protect her and other people on the road. Keep doing what you're doing, as painful as it is for you.

Can you get her some "fake checks"? There's a program called "versacheck" that lets you print your own. That way she can write all the checks she wants and the staff can intercept the mailings. She'd be happy that she thought she had control. Just a thought.

Good luck to you. It's so hard to be the caretaker. My dad was here in AZ for two years after mom died. He was in assisted living, but I was the person on the scene. Last summer he moved to Anchorage to be nearer my sister and get out of the home here (it was becoming abusive). I miss him terribly and now my sister understands what I was going through. I did things for him willingly but sometimes it was just overwhelming.

:hug:

[ruiner4u]

32. No offense, thats a bad idea...

It just takes one time when the staff does not intercept the mailing and her daughter is in for a world of annoyance dealing with fraudulent check nonsense.

[Catshrink]

33. Good point..

I didn't think that suggestion through. Oops on me!

[RazzleCat]

28. Hugs and weasel help

My honey's mom is in the same condition. One thing he was able to do was give her vitamin C tabs. He checked with the Doctors and nurses first, but one of the items she always wanted was her meds, she forgot that they were delivering them to her. In any event he went out and purchased a huge bottle of Vitamin C tabs and gave them to the nurses at the nurses station, when she wants her meds now, they bring her another vitamin c tab and she is happy again. Its a "weasel" trick, but it makes her happy, and it causes no harm, in effect he has them give her placebo's.

[AngryAmish]

29. I did the same thing with my father

He was 'slipping" for years. I was the live-in caregiver. My oldest sister would get in fights with him because she felt that she had to be right. I finally had to straighten her out saying that this was his reality so just go with it. It is not lying. Being corrected by a child is painful. Correcting a parent is painful. Nobody likes to fight. Do you think that what you consider to be a lie is causing more pain or less pain to your mother? You are trying to make her happy --you are doing the right thing.

One more thing -- If you lay it all on the table are you making yourself feel better or her feel better? Answer that question and you will know the right thing to do.

Good luck -- I wish the best for you.

[JitterbugPerfume]

31. Godess I hate getting old!

both mom and granny had dementia;

My three sisters and I just assume that at least one of us will have it.

I would rather be dead

[Mz Pip]

34. In a way you are protecting her

best interests. What would happen if you told her the truth? - that her account is overdrawn because she can't manage her money, that her cat is dead, that she can't take the over-the-counter meds she wants. She'd get pissed at you and make you feel bad for trying to be responsible.

A friend's mom lived to be 103. She tried to 'reason' with her mom on her spending and what a mistake that was. The old woman managed secretly to run up $60,000 in credit card bills - all on worthless junk she saw on infomercials. It's taken my friend a couple of years to deal with that mess.

Don't feel bad about taking away her check book, or her credit cards. You could end up with a huge mess on your hands.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[hippywife]

35. I work in a retirement center with

a nursing home and everyone who is suggesting that you keep lying and diverting her attention to other topics is giving you good advice. In the field, it's called constructive lying. Too often telling the truth to someone with limited mental capacity due to dementia or stroke leads to them being more confused or hurt. You really are doing her a favor by doing exactly what you are doing.

I know the frustrations you are experiencing and wish you and your mom both well. :hug: :hug: :hug: