I'm in a pickle, and need some advice, please.

[DiverDave]

My son, who turns 9 next month, needs THE TALK. (shudder)
I am unsure about how to go about telling him about sex.
I don't want to screw this up, as I know I only get 1 shot (well, the learning as you go along too, I suppose)

I have really thought alot about it and am hopeless...

We are always showing how girls can do anything boys can and that they are equal in every way.
So thats pretty well launched, but the sex thing has me all stressed out.

Any books or suggestions?

[Kerrytravelers]

1. *clears throat* Teacher here. One piece of advice.

Don't sugar coat things and act embarrassed. Just be straight forward and very clear. Kids this age honestly prefer that (in general.) They may get embarrassed and giggle and act silly, that is ok. But don't let yourself get embarrassed.

And really, it's a good chance he's heard quite a bit already. Don't be surprised what he knows- both correct and incorrect information.

Growing up, my parents had a policy that if I asked an honest question, I'd always get an honest answer. That was a comfort to know I would get the truth. It certainly kept me sane. Here is a post I made a few days ago in the Lounge: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=5788483#5788531

As you can see, honesty and straight forwardness allowed me to make good, honest choices for myself.

PM if you want!

:hi: And best of luck!

[hedgehog]

2. What about a good book with pictures that you can read together?

I don't know of any off-hand, but we did have a Child is Born and another book of anatomy drawings for kids showing skeleton, muscles and all organs. These were around the house since my kids were toddlers, and they were fascinated but not obsessed.

[QMPMom]

3. Is there a wife or female significant other in the picture?

If so, I recommend giving "the talk" together. That's what DH and I did with our son. We picked a nice day and sat in the back yard. Of course, Mr. Roll-his-eyes-at-everything let loose with the "Moooom!" when we started, but it was much less embarrassing since DH and I were there together.

Also, always keep the lines of communication open with him. I find that now (DS is now almost 19) we can talk about anything. And I do mean *anything*.

[crim son]

4. I'm betting it will go smoothly, as long as you act cool.

Kids are, naturally, fairly ignorant of all the hangups we grownups have about sex.

[Phillycat]

5. I bet he already knows just about all of it.

My only advice would be to use proper, scientific words for everything. Don't confuse the issue more with euphemisms or cutesy nicknames.

[buddhamama]

6. unfortunately, what he 'knows' probably came from others

his age.

true story:

when a friend of mine was in the fourth grade he and his buddies were in the school hall one day discussing sex; the usual stuff for boys that age. anyway, someone in the group asked, "what is balling?" and my friend responded "that's when you put your balls in too".

agreed on the proper terms, etc.

[petronius]

8. That's what we thought it meant, too!

:rofl:

It wasn't till I actually had a chance to cleave the beave - pardon me, I mean 'engage in sexual intercourse' - that I realized that that just wasn't going to happen...

[Kerrytravelers]

7. I was thinking the exact same thing,

And I guarantee, it's worse for the parent than it is for the kid.

I recently had to talk to a parent because their 4th grader was running around yelling "vagina vagina vagina" and disrupting everyone with giggles. The parent was shocked their kid knew "the v word." Yep. The "v" word.

Just be straight forward and use real words and I'm sure it will all be fine!

[olshak]

10. Completely agree...

We have been raising our three this way...oldest is 7 and she knows more than her peers, but looks at it very matter-of-factly.

[DiverDave]

9. Thanks, everybody

Yes, my wife and I are together, and I do agree that straight forward is the ticket.

I'll go to the library and browse the shelves...

Thanks again.
Dave

[olshak]

11. one other thought...

...don't use the word "pickle" during the talk :-)

[Redstone]

12. Let his school do it for you.

Redstone

[Kerrytravelers]

13. In the classroom, we have to be very dispassionate about the subject.

I always tell my kids to talk to their parents. I may give the mechanics, but I want mom and dad to talk about the emotion and feelings that go with sex. I ty not to be intrusive into a parent's place.

[olshak]

14. Exactly

[DiverDave]

15. Nah, I'd rather do it

I think that it is my job to teach this.

Although it DID cross my mind.

I was abused as a child and my head was (is?) REALLY screwed up on the whole issue.
I want my boys to get the right info, from me. Oops, from US, I mean.

[Redstone]

16. Well, then, you have a DAMN good reason to do it yourself. I hope it

goes well.

Redstone

[Parche]

17. advice

Keep him away from Mark Foley and Michael Jackson.......

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. We used a book called "Boys and Sex" when I was a teen taking my sex class

at church.

Fantastic book, talks about the physical apparatus, the stuff that happens in puberty, the mechanics of sex, stuff on masturbation, group masturbation, things boys might do together in pairs or groups when they're growing up, why some boys are bigger than others, how to have sex, how to use birth control, how not to have sex, how not to masturbate (talking about harming the skin, and I remember a small section about how one should be careful inserting anything into the penis or anus)...

Also has a lot of info about what the girls are going through from childhood to adulthood.

All done scientifically and without judgment and like everything is perfectly natural. Which, of course, it is.

Great book.

There's also one for girls.

Apparently it's out of print, but you can get used copies: http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Sex-Wardell-Pomeroy/dp/0440208114/sr=1-1/qid=1162594989/ref=sr_1_1/104-0155016-9446311?ie=UTF8&s=books

I read mine many times going through puberty.

My church (the UCC) has a fantastic sex ed curricula they developed with the Unitarian Universalists called "Our Whole Lives" that is worth looking into - of course, some of it comes from a Christian perspective, but not a hate-based sex-fearing/despising standpoint, and other than maybe saying something like "One should approach sexuality, and the decision to have sex with someone, from a faith standpoint" and "Christ calls us to love all people, so rape, abuse, violence, etc., are wrong, unless the partner is willing", it's scientific, factual, neutral, and approaches sex, sexuality, and our bodies as gifts from God not be feared, hated, despised, made taboo, or otherwise frowned upon.

http://www.uua.org/owl/

[radwriter0555]

19. Well stop taking it all so SERIOUSLY and have FUN with it! It's just biology

and sex, it's not like it's the death of a beloved family pet in the car with grandpa on the way to his best friend's funeral.

It's BIOLOGY!

The books are a great idea, random discussions at random times hitting on one aspect or another is cool. The point is to make it a topic that can be approached at any time instead of pulling the chairs up to the table and plunking down a load of books and using a pointer and saying "SON! THIS IS A VAGINA!"

We've always had an open door policy in our house... so to speak. I've always sought out opportunities to talk about anatomical differences, genetic differences, puberty, aging, having babies, kissing, sex in general and so on, so that I'm sure my daughter feels comfortable asking me any questions she wants to at any time. We definitely laugh about it, and make jokes about cute boys and generally we aren't afraid or apprehensive about the topic.

It's just biology! Don't make it so scarey or take it so seriously.

Ask him the questions. Ask him what's he's heard from the kids at school about sex, and then tell him that as his dad, you're supposed to have this HUGE talk with him... but that you'd rather hear what kind of questions he has instead. It will empower him to trust you and open the dialogue up.

I think the car is a great place for something like this, because that means it's a finite discussion with a beginning and an end. Then you can drag out the books later. "Hey, here's that book I told you about..." Keep it casual.

[astral]

20. Nine is a little late for "The Talk"

He undoubtedly knows a thing or two already. Maybe some of what he knows isn't even true. I didn't get "The Talk" at all from home. I was ten when we got --- an elementary version of it --- in 5th grade. Boys were separated from the girls and everyone got "The Talk." I had already learned where babies come from from an eight year old girl. Who had Been There, Done That (but I don't think she got pregnant.) I didn't believe her.

I had a pamphlet in my room called "Man Alive!" which was some kinda religious pamphlet. My dad snatched it and hollered at me "what do you have to be reading about THIS shit for!?" (He did not notice yet, that it was a religious pamphlet.)

You see, apparently my parents thought ten years old was too young to be hearing about where babies come from. Thank God I didn't start bleeding a couple years early, I'd have probably thought I was dying.

These days kids learn a lot more in school than they did in my day. Way too much detail, way too young, and they get it from the TEACHERS. The schools do not have to consult with the parents about what they are teaching the kids.

Your son probably already knows not only how women get pregnant, but also about homosexuality, safe sex, contraception, and possibly even techniques for pleasing your partner or yourself(~!~)

I'd say take the kid to a movie with treats and before you go have "The Talk." That way, it'll loosen things up, and he can wait and digest things a bit to ask any questions, maybe on the way home.

In my opinion, if possible, the father should have "The Talk" with the son, and the mother should have it with the daughter, not Mommy and Daddy or Significant Other all there together.

[Kerrytravelers]

25. I'm not sure of a few things here...

These days kids learn a lot more in school than they did in my day. Way too much detail, way too young, and they get it from the TEACHERS. The schools do not have to consult with the parents about what they are teaching the kids.

Kids certainly do learn a lot- but not necessarily from the teachers. However, at some point, teachers do have to address all the misinformation that is being spread from misinformed children. So, in that case, yes it is discussed, but the capitalization of TEACHER visually implies, to me, that it is a teacher conspiracy conjured up to take the place of the parents. While there may be instances of a teacher doing this, whether in error or arrogance, it's hardly a wide spread plot.

The schools do, however, have to consult with the parents in matters of curriculum. Not only does your local district office or private school/charter school office have to have the curriculum readily on display for a parent's review, topics such as Sex Ed are regular discussions between the teacher and the parents prior to any discussion of it in the classroom. Parental notification slips of the future/proposed Sex Ed discussion is sent home and must be signed prior to student attendance. As someone who has had to teach Sex Ed, I am well aware of the legalities surrounding this subject. While it does vary state to state, it doesn't vary by that much. The general conses is that parents are fully informed of the discussion and have the right to pull their child from that topic with no repercussion. Parents also have the right to suggest additions or changes they'd like to see in regards to the Sex Ed topic. Whether or not the suggestion are applicable is an issue that is taken on a case by case situation.




Your son probably already knows not only how women get pregnant, but also about homosexuality, safe sex, contraception, and possibly even techniques for pleasing your partner or yourself(~!~)

I hope this is a separate topic and not part of what you think teachers are necessarily teaching. While these topics are certainly covered at some point in the students educational experience before high school graduation, in the elementary years, we certainly don't discuss pleasing one's self or partner. Quite honestly, the kids are giggling too much from embarrassment to get much beyond the basic mechanics. However, I see nothing wrong with a mature discussion from any of the topic listed, as long as they are mature discussions meant to enlighten and not to titillate while in school.

Things we learn in school doesn't just go away the moment we graduate. And the moment we graduate, we don't suddenly have information we weren't given before. I see nothing wrong with a full and comprehensive Sex Ed class in school. I'd prefer the students have the correct information presented in a factual manner with honest answers and without an agenda. That way, the students can make honest choices for themselves and their lives.

[youthere]

21. toss back a couple shots of your favorite adult beverage...

then just be open, honest, straightforward and try to hide your embarassment. If you can't, be open about your embarrassment too...they'll appreciate it, then go toss back a couple more shots. Remember that "the talk" isn't something you do once and forget...it's a constant ongoing discussion. Good luck.

[bleedingheart]

22. be honest

there is also a great book called..."where did i come from"

my son is 10..and I have been through this and still am navigating through this...

[begin_within]

23. How about just let him ask the questions, and you answer them.

[Steven_S]

24. Well, now that you have all this good advice.....

whatever else you tell him, just make sure he knows.............


Divers Do It Deeper. :)


just can't help myself sometimes.

[Jamastiene]

26. My aunt gave me a really uncomfortable talk, but by the time

she did, I had already read these two books:

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex*
*But were afraid to ask

and

The Kinsey Report

Between those two books, I got horny as hell and learned a lot. I also learned some (some) misinformation (just some things about people's attitudes, nothing major), just because times have changed and now we know more. To me, books are the best way to go. Other than those two, I can't offer much though.

Maybe you could try your local library and read some books yourself and give him another year until he is ten years old. That way you can talk to him and offer him a great book and be more prepared. Kids don't like for the parents to be nervous when they talk to them about it. I mean I didn't like it. Maybe I shouldn't speak for all kids. I know I would have preferred less nervousness and more answers.

Good luck in any case. I'm rather unconventional, so if I had kids, I'd probably teach them along the way a little at the time so they have time to absorb the info...if they didn't end up in juvenile hall before the age of 5 for being different. :evilgrin:

[fudge stripe cookays]

27. I'm with Hedgehog.

Here is the series my mom got for me, and they were very informative for a 9 year old, and easy to understand, with scientific diagrams of all the important parts (boys and girls), and what they do. I recommend it.

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Cycle-Library-Young-People/dp/0385003765