This is how a newspaper Police Report should be done...

[cobalt1999]

Police Blotter

By Cst. Douglas Enns
Nov 01 2006

During the week, which was Oct. 22 to the 29, police responded to 146 complaints and requests for assistance. There were 24 bats in our belfry this week. So far, the strangest Halloween-related complaint this week was the 911 call reporting "two nuns slugging it out in the parking lot" of a local nightclub. Best costume in the drunk tank was the one winged angel.

On a particularly chilly night, police were making a routine patrol of the parking lot around a local nightclub. They noticed that a layer of frost was covering the windows of vehicles parked in the lot and that puddles had begun to form a thin icy shell. These observations were a stark contrast to the appearance of two people, stark naked, doing that thing birds do, bees do, whilst lying atop a bare cement retaining wall. Apparently the police were the only ones who had noticed that the police had arrived. After a moment, the male had, too, noticed that police had arrived and self-consciously sidestepped over to his half of the clothes piled on the ground a few feet away. He suffered a temporary lapse of chivalry and neglected to extend his newfound knowledge of the arrival of spectators to his girlfriend who remained in the same position now as when he’d left. The sound of police car door opening did what her boyfriend had overlooked to do)and announced the arrival of on-lookers to what both (inconceivably) considered to be a private affair. Both quickly dressed and were directed to the front desk where, they would find, for a nominal charge they could “get a room.” Police figured that charging either one with an offence wasn’t likely to make either one any smarter and hoped that the chaffing, frostbite and the potential for pneumonia might.

Later that same night, police investigated a complaint involving an unknown vehicle which appeared to have backed into a wooden fence on the complainant’s property adjacent to Highway 2A. The only evidence at the scene were tire tracks from a vehicle which had been parked nearby and some empty condom wrappers. The "working theory" is that the gearshift was inadvertently engaged. Coincidence?


more at the below link...

www.ponokanews.com/portals-code/list.cgi?paper=114&cat=23&id=763493&more

I think the man is missing his calling.

[reyd reid reed]

1. LOLOL!

Oh, that's good. Thanks for posting.

:rofl:

:hi:

[trof]

2. "Cst." Constable?

You're right. He's in the wrong job.
Hilarious.

[Pacifist Patriot]

3. Nicely done. Nicely done!

[HEyHEY]

4. We've got one guy

That is priceless

There was a story where a guy fired a shot gun in the air to scare his kids into doing yardwork. I was talking to the cop about it and he says, "Well, the lawn did look like shit."

[cobalt1999]

5. Here's another one of his...

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Police attended another fight complaint at a different bar and had significantly more luck determining who was involved. So we thought, anyway. We first located a man and a woman walking away from the scene. Both had bloodied knuckles. Both were detained while police continued to investigate. Next police found the bloodied victim. There was no blood on his knuckles at all. Any blood upon him seemed to originate exclusively around the vicinity of his nose and lips. This is the investigational equivalent of a smoking gun. That is why police were surprised by the victim’s insistence that he was assaulted by 5 large men. Prison hardened, gang members, he offered. But sir, there is a small woman and her boyfriend, who’s not much bigger, in the back of the police car and while neither was keen to admit to assaulting you, both of them claim to dislike you. The victim was not having any part of this and stuck to his original story. Oh well. If anyone can assist police in identifying the rather generic looking group of tattooed gangsters, give us a call.
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Police received a strange 911 call at 2 a.m. one night this week. The woman advised the telecom’s operator that she was outside her front door “having a smoke” when she spied some deer across the road from her. She explained the nature of her emergency was that the deer looked “mean” and she perceived that they appeared ready to make trouble. “Control,” replied a member. “ She said deer ... as in Bambi the deer?” “Yes,” was the response. “Did she happen to mention what it was that she was smoking?”

Police stopped a vehicle on Highway 2A in town after recording its speed at 90 km/h in a 50 km/h zone. By way of an explanation for the excessive speed, the driver volunteered that he was “hearing impaired” and inferred that this was somehow the cause of the inadvertent speeding. It was really an odd excuse...

Entire report at the below link.
www.ponokanews.com/portals-code/list.cgi?paper=114&cat=23&id=762806&more=

[trof]

6. PRESENTING: The Town of Ponoka, Alberta, Canada!

http://www.ponoka.org/
And now they're famous, thanks to cobalt1999.
:thumbsup:

[cobalt1999]

7. makes me want to go there and get arrested.

just to read the writeup.