Embarassing problem...

[Conan_The_Barbarian]

Okay I kinda have a weird problem. I'm a very goal driven, intense intellectual sort here at college. Weekends however are a problem for me as its not considered socially acceptable to work on Friday and Saturdays nights which I find myself doing just because I lack interest in the whole frat party scene. Now I still hang out with casual groups of people and just relax every once in a while and this is usually where I run into my problem. According to quite a few people I rather handsome by contemporary standards and I unintentionally am able to attract the attention of attractive women, not like the raging beauties but girls I find quite attractive. Now normally I find myself just getting into an honest conversation, nothing else in mind but just having a friendly conversation and sure enough I start noticing the standard signs of her body language. Eventually I get that playful little touch whether it just be her rubbing her foot against my leg, touch my hand, etc etc. Now here is when I freeze, I don't know what the hell to do. I've never even kissed a girl at age 18, the oppertunity has come up many times, all it required was a little effort on my part to respond to her body language but something just keeps me frozen. I just try and keep on maintaining a casual conversation while my mind I'm confused and nervous as now I feel obligated to make some kind of signal back to her but have no idea what to do. This has been going on for years now. What's worse is now my years of inexpierence are compounding giving me another barrier to deal with. I'm a complete and utter amature at well... everything in this realm. Most people by 18 may not be pros but they at least know what their doing, have a bit of technique and finesse if you will. I don't think its fair for me to lead somone on unintentionally because they don't understand that it's unintentional. After a couple episodes of this with the same girl I can tell that get frusterated and give up and hold a bit of resentment towards me even though it was just because I feared the unknown!

I think I'm doomed to an eternity of this, the longer I wait, the worse it gets, how do I deal with this? Is there some kind of subconcious trauma I need to deal with or something? What the hell is wrong with me, why can't I just be more god damn outgoing! It's weird I think I crave and fear intimacy, I can't imagine that being a healthy combo for a human. Man I hate these biological barriers I have to deal with... sleeping, eating, sex-drive... they all kind of piss me off. I'm forever a slave to my hypothalamus. Perhaps this kind of mentality is why I'm a workaholic, working, being productive, and partaking in self improvement is all that's familar to me. I think the source of my problem might be the fact that I'm too wrapped up in myself. I tell myself I'll learn to deal with other people once I've conquered myself and I'm perfect, once I've won the Truman scholarship, once I'm captain of the varsity crew team, once I get by BF% down to 10% and weigh 200 lbs, once I've mastered chinese, etc etc. You get the picture. If I'm comfortable to the never ending cycle of self improvement why should I pry myself from that? You know I should probauly sit down and discuss this all with a doctor, or maybe even a shrink. I think I'm mentally stable and all, but some phobias are keeping me from enjoying some of the reasons worth living.

hhhmmm, well sharing this on an internet discussion board about politics probably isn't a good idea but whatever, I'll take the risk.

[Maine-ah]

1. hm, that is a predicament.

I say just do it. Get over it and just do it.

Oh, and I don't mean that in a "nasty" way, but as the only piece of advice I can come up with. Good luck.

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. You know how you just told us that?

:hug: Tell the next girl who makes an advance on you the same story and she'll be yours for life. Vulnerable, unsuredness makes for a keeper in my book. Good luck! Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not the only person like this. It took me until I was 22 to feel secure in "making a move".

[radwriter0555]

3. You could discuss it with the next young woman you find yourself attracted

to... using simple terms, a few words... and by being honest without being overwhelming.

You would most likely land yourself a nice make out session. Chances are very good that you'd enjoy it and the young woman would enjoy herself as well.

And stop thinking about it so much. You're over-processing all of it. Just be yourself... be kind and honest and keep it simple. The best way to get to comfortable with someone is to talk to them about themselves. Be curious.

I've had to make a massive effort to learn how to be around people again.. how to talk, speak, communicate and hold actual conversations. I've had to learn how to be sociable and interesting... because if we're not interesting, people won't be interested... but what people like the most is when we're interested in them and like them.

There are some great web sites on how to learn to socialise and it all begins on learning how to talk to people. I think you need to stop focusing on yourself so much and look at the people around you. Find a nice young woman and get to know her. It will all come quite naturally after that.

[Nikia]

4. Maybe, you need to realize that you don't need to be perfect

And there are lots of people who don't have "experience" at 18 so don't let that make you feel inadequate. Not everyone is super outgoing either. That is true both of men and women.
You might want to ask yourself though what you really want. Not everyone in college wants a relationship or hook ups either.
If you do want a relationship, perhaps you'll get lucky and a woman that you are interested in will be direct instead of beating around the bush.
Also don't feel down about women who seem to get annoyed that you are responding to their body language. Some heterosexual people don't seem to know how to relate to people of the opposite sex on a friendly but not sexual basis and it is good for them to have the experience of an interaction not turning into that, even if maybe you hope that it does.