Anyone else being railroaded into family Thanksgiving plans?

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This is more of a rant, but maybe someone here has been in a similar situation. I take care of my Mother who is 88 and can walk a little but uses a wheelchair a lot. She is tired all the time. We live 2 hours away from the nearest other person in the family. Nobody else in the family, including my 2 sisters or my neices or nephes, helps me to take care of her. My sister decided on her own that she is going to have Thanksgiving dinner at her house, which is a total of 3 hours away from us.

I was going to tell them that we couldn't make the trip this year, because it would wear out my Mom too much. I was going to suggest that they come to visit us on the weekend before or after Thanksgiving, for a smaller get-together, so they could just relax on Thanksgiving day. But I didn't get the chance to, they went ahead and made the plans without even asking us what our needs were. My Mom is enthusiastic about going, and wants to go, but she is not realistic. I know it will wear her out - just going to church today and back and she says, "I'm tired beyond belief." I can't imagine her enjoying the whole trip to my sister's house and back (although we could stay overnight at my other sister's, breaking up the trip into 2 parts.

The other thing that bugs me is that the family pretty much ignores her, even when she is there with them on these family gatherings. They all make their token greeting to her, but then go about their business and many times I have seen her just sitting alone, with all these other people about the house. I don't think it's worth it for her to go through all the trouble of going there if they're not even going to pay attention to her. She's better off at home, where she has friends who come over and actually sit down with her and visit with her. The family members only see her because of the obligation, because she's their mother/grandmother.

They treated me very shabbily for Halloween, too. We were all set to go to my sister's house and carve pumpkins with the kids, and decorate the yard for Halloween on the Saturday before Halloween, but they called the morning just before we were going to leave and they told me they had other plans - the kids were going with their father and the other kid had to attend a Halloween party. They waited until we were almost out the door, literally, to tell us this. So we didn't go.

I think it's time that they start catering to her and what she wants, rather than making her do what they want. I am kind of resentful to them anyway, since I am the one who takes care of her day and night, day in and day out, while they do nothing. Argh! I feel like I have no rights or respect in this family!

[jus_the_facts]

1. Family really sucks sometimes...

....I'm sorry yours are bein' assholes. :hug:

My Mom and my Dad's brother and his wife are all goin' to Branson, MO again this year...so I have to go over to my Mom's to take care of her spoiled rotten toy Yorkie while she's gone...THE WHOLE WEEK of Thanksgiving which includes my birthday on the 21st....I don't mind too much really..she's got a 52 inch Sony with digital cable with movies on demand...but since my Dad died..I get so emotional when I go stay over at their place...not lookin' forward to it much. x(

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2. Thanks, I appreciate it.

[Floogeldy]

3. Do what is best for your mother.

End of post.

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4. Thank you, but what should I do with my smolering resentment towards

the rest of them? How can I smile and have a good time when I am fumingly resentful to all of them except the little kids and my Mom? I don't even want to be in the same room with them.

[Midlodemocrat]

6. Oh, honey. I feel your pain.

I took complete care of my FIL until he passed in May without so much as a phone call from either his own daughter or his brothers or their families.

The resentment I felt at his viewing was so strong, I could almost taste it.

Then I came home and started thinking about what those feelings were doing to ME and I completely calmed down. I recognized that some people are simply overwhelmed by the act of breathing and that my FIL had come to terms with their lack of contact, so, so should I.

I felt so much better because I recognized that they were far weaker than I was. I stopped feeling like a patsy and started feeling proud of myself for taking care of him when everyone else had abandoned him.

You're a good son. If your mom would enjoy going, I say go. Take the high road. Hell, take it so much you get a nosebleed from the altitude.

You'll be glad you did. :hug:

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11. I'll do it, but this will be the greatest acting job of my life. Pretending to like

those people. :puke: But I'll do it because it will make my Mom happy.

[Midlodemocrat]

20. And you will never regret it.

:hug:

[wain]

23. You're a very fine person

Not only for taking care of your FIl, but for your correct thinking to be proud of your good works. Yes, you stand taller than most of us and there is a wonderful lesson in your words.

:hug:

[Coventina]

5. That sucks. It might be time to say all this to your sister.

I don't know what your relationship is, but hopefully you can be honest and up front and tell them the plan doesn't work for you or your mother.

Aren't the holidays wonderful?

When I read your thread title I thought to myself "Who ISN'T being railroaded into Thanksgiving plans?"

:hug:

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12. Thanks - my one sister does realize how much of a burden this is to me, and

would like to help if she could, but she works long hours and simply can't. The other sister is retired, but she couldn't do the task. She just could not handle it. When her mother-in-law was in her 90s, they simply plopped her into a nursing home in the same town they live in. As long as my Mother agrees to going to their house for Thanksgiving, then it does work for her. I think she will be exhausted by it though, even though she doesn't realize that now. Thanks for your words.

[Bunny]

7. I'm sorry you're going through this.

If your mom really wants to go, I would take her. Not to be morbid, but who knows how many more holidays she'll get to spend with her family?

However, I do think that it's time for you to have a very frank conversation with your sister. I would explain that it's physically hard on your mom to get there and back, but more importantly, I would tell her that you've noticed how they ignore your mom when she's around. It's possible that in the chaos of getting a big family dinner organized and on the table, she just doesn't realize that she's being thoughtless. Maybe telling her about this will cause her to re-evaluate her own behavior when your mom is there.

The resentment you feel is not going to go away until you either hash it out with your sister, or, make a conscious decision to not let it bother you anymore. Either way, it's in your hands.

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14. Thank you. I will have to do all of those things soon.

[hedgehog]

8. I would try to calmly ask if they could change their plans a little,

Maybe they think that by hosting Thanksgiving dinner, they're taking a burden off of you.

In any case, it sounds like it will make your mother happy. Even if she goes and ends up sleeping the entire time, at least she's there which may be what's important to her. I know that when my grandmother was older, she sometimes preferred to sit alone in another room because all the confusion of other people was too much for her, but she like knowing everyone was just in the other room.

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16. Thanks, I appreciate it.

[GirlinContempt]

9. Thanksgivings long over

[flvegan]

10. Flip the script: Thanksgiving at mom's house

I would suggest to my mom that instead of all that travel, we instead invite the fam over to her/my house. I'd do all the work, but I'd ask for mom's advice and to help when/where she can in planning, cooking, shopping, etc. Make the event ALL ABOUT HER. What better "giving of thanks" than to do so for the woman that made it possible: mom.

That said, call sis, et al, and tell them that no, mom really cannot travel 6 hours (to and fro) and get around well in her wheelchair in this scenario. Instead, for the love of family, you've decided (as the decider *snicker*) that T-day plans have been changed.

Now, mom going there really isn't an option. Not so much a choice, but a necessity. However, if the rest of the family (3 weeks out from Thanksgiving is plenty of time) CHOOSES not to participate, then so be it. I'd remind them multiple times that this is their choice, nothing more, nothing less. Have a fabulous Thanksgiving with mom, and start planning your end of year festivities.

That's what I'd do, but I'm a bit of an asshole.

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13. Thanks for the suggestion. We actually did exactly that 2 years ago,

right after my Mom's stroke (a very mild one). They all came down here, and even though we bought most of the food for Thanksgiving (and it was partly a potluck) it was still a hugely stressful event for me, trying to take care of my Mom and running the whole Thanksgiving thing at the same time. Fortunately my sister and niece helped out a lot, but after it was all over I collapsed and said, "I'm NEVER doing this again." So I'm basically damned either way. Just something for me to offer up, I guess. Thank you for your reply and suggestions.

[devilgrrl]

15. No. I took care of that by making my plans months ago...

I'm visiting college mates in another state. I can't wait! :-)

[BarenakedLady]

17. I've got it easy this year

I won't be seeing my family until Christmas and both my ILs are deceased. I have two bachelor BILs coming over. The kids and I are vegetarians so I get out of cooking the turkey. I'll prepare a Quorn roast for myself and a few side dishes. It will be a very quiet day since we are all non-talkers, except for the rugrats!

[ScreamingMeemie]

18. bob_weaver, you are such a caring person from the last couple

of your threads... I commend you for caring for you mother so much. My mother has left my grandma to me which breaks my heart. Not because I don't want to be with grandma but because my mother is hurting my grandma.

Here's what I would do. Explain to your mom your concerns. If she is wanting to stay home after that tell your family you will be "in residence" all weekend for those who wish to stop by. If no one (because family can be jerky) stops by, make sure you have some special activities planned for you and Mom... even if it's just a game of Gin Rummy. My heart goes out to you. It sure sounds like your family doesn't appreciate you very much. :hug:

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19. Thanks very much.

[Kali]

21. Take your Mom there.

Pay attention to her and the younger kids - maybe play some board games or do crafts together. That way you, mom and the kids have a good time and she doesn't get abandoned and you don't have to "act" in front of the assholes.

Exhaustion isn't normally deadly, let her rest the next day. Make sure she has a pillow and a lap blanket for the ride home.

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22. Thanks, that's what I'll do.

But I am going to make sure my Mom does not go unattended like last year. With about 10 adults there, someone should be sitting with her at all times.

[hedgehog]

24. I have to apologize to you for one big misconception.

I never checked your signature and automatically assumed you were a daughter caring for her mother. Special kudos go out to you for stepping in to take a responsibility that generally falls to a daughter rather than a son.

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25. That's what people keep saying. "It's so rare for a son to take care of a

parent. It's usually the youngest daughter." I'm the youngest of her children, and I'm single, but it didn't have to fall exclusively on me. Thanks for your kind remarks.

[Flying Dream Blues]

26. Bob, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like

you are really being taken for granted by your family. Like some of the other posters, I think it's time you let them know how you feel. They should be taking more responsibility for your mom, and taking you and your life into consideration more as well. If they aren't ever giving you a break, I hope that changes, too. You're right that if it didn't have to all fall to you, it shouldn't, and if they refuse to see that they should shoulder some responsibility, it's time to point it out.

You sound like a wonderful son, and your mom is lucky to have you. Let us know how it turns out!
:hug: