My sister just called to tell me she is leaving her husband of ten years.

[crim son]

My first thought: Oh no, poor thing. How can I help?
My second thought: Oh shit, I am going to be blamed for this, because my marriage failed first.

All four girls in my married a man just like dear old Dad. It has worked well for none of us. Sigh.

[miss_american_pie]

1. ...

:hug:

[crim son]

2. The sad thing is, this particular sister always called me her

"trailblazer." I always did the hard stuff first, so I could help her through it when her turn arrived. She is feeling so strong and confident right now, and it breaks my heart because I know what's coming. And of course, she lives all the way across the country from me.

[miss_american_pie]

5. It'll be okay

Her decisions are hers, not yours.

And maybe she has her own fires to set. :hug:

[crim son]

6. Definitely.

If I'm tough, she's invincible. All my sisters are super-women (no brothers).

[BarenakedLady]

3. It is not your fault

and you know that.

:hug:

[crim son]

4. I do know it. She married a man who has rarely been

employed but who blamed her when she wasn't earning enough to support him and their three kids. He is more like a boy than a man... a nice fellow and extremely intelligent, which is why she married him. Unfortunately he has no desire to be a provider or a good example for his children, and he resents the fact that my sister has been able to handle what he can not. Anyhow, I have nothing to do with that. But I'm worried that my situation will appear to have been an influence on her, and in truth, it may have been.

[skygazer]

7. Isn't it strange how that happens?

I have 5 sisters and brothers - every single one of us has been divorced at least once with the exception of one sister - and she's never been married. As a matter of fact, between us we have 8 divorces. :nuke: God, I never looked at it like that before!

I'm not going to cast blame anywhere but it does seem that we never got any real idea about what a healthy marriage is. My father had married before he married my mother - he was going to divorce her when she got cancer and since her death has been married 3 more times. Do we unconsciously mimic our parents? Do we get our ideas about what to look for in a man or woman from our mother and father?

You know it's not your fault that your sister's marriage failed. And the two of you can share your strength and experiences to help you both through hard times. Life's strange, isn't it? :hug:

[crim son]

8. It sure is!

The fact is, I think that having no brothers and a strong, educated mother has much to do with what is wrong with my marriage and my sisters'. We are all strong and we are all independent. My mother didn't take any crap from anybody; nor do we. But Mom had social, religious and monetary reasons to stay with Dad while none of her children feel so bound. And my father is a good man, but rather traditional. Distant and emotionally backward.

I have to laugh at you counting up the divorces. I was just thinking this afternoon how life goes in phases. For a while there, we were adding up the marriages; then it was the numbers of children we all had; and now we see a different time of life, where we begin to recognize that life is short, and we must act to get the most from it, if we can. Thus, divorce.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

9. I'm sorry for her, and I hope you can fight the fallout.

It's no one's fault but those involved.

:hug:

[crim son]

11. Most of my family lives on the west coast.

They have been able to alternately support and condemn me only from a distance. Thanks, WIMR. I feel bad for my sister, too. She married a man she was crazy in love with. There is just no guarantee.

[ThomCat]

10. I hope you and your sisters come together over this.

:hug:

I hope she has a place to go and the situation under control.

You did the right thing, and it sounds like she's doing the right thing. Good thoughts and positive vibes!

[crim son]

12. Thanks Thom!

She has been supporting her family for years and is a very capable woman. I do believe that, however it takes shape, the outcome of all this upheaval will be greater happiness for all involved parties.

[Shine]

13. Bummer, about your sister. It's sad when marriages don't work out.

I think you should go with your first thought, though. :) Be the supportive and loving sister and don't even go to a place where you begin to accept blame for something which has NOTHING to do with you.
She's doing her own karmic dance with him and is learning exactly what she needs to be learning through this experience. Indeed, this could help propel her into a deeper level of inner growth and positive change.

She's letting go of what no longer serves her. This is a GOOD thing, painful as it is. My best good wishes to all...:hug:

[crim son]

14. Hippywife was right.

You are pretty darned understanding. I'm so glad you're talking to me. :hug: I'm all screwed up lately and you took the brunt.

I don't believe it's my fault; I do believe my situation helped propel her to action but it was entirely her own decision.

[lizziegrace]

16. Look at it this way

Maybe your situation helped her find the courage to get out of her bad situation. I hope good things follow for both of you. Sometimes you just need to see that you *can* do it and survive.

Hang in there crim son. :hug:

[crim son]

17. That would be a very nice way to look at it, lizziegrace.

And I don't think it's far from the truth. Thank you.

[lizziegrace]

18. ...

:hug:

[Shine]

20. I'm into building bridges, not burning them.

:D

You'll both get through this difficult time and will be amazed at how strong and resourceful you can be.

Onward and UPward...:hug:

[Maestro]

15. I'm sorry to hear about this.

I hope things work out for her and the kids if the two have any.

And I hope things start looking up for you as well.

[crim son]

19. They have three kids, none of them wanted by him.

There are two sides to every story, and that would probably fill several chapters in the tale of crim son's BIL.

Thanks Maestro. I'm doing pretty well these days despite a real dearth of any good luck or happy news. Infinitely better, really. :hug: