Hello. I have not been well.

[Writer]

Hi. Before I start I wanted to take a moment to say: "Go Democrats!" I will proudly be voting AGAINST Marilyn Musgrave tomorrow, thank you very much.

I haven't been well. I wanted to write a bit because I don't have much social interaction during the day. I am fine health-wise, and I suppose I'm staying afloat overall. That's what a peaceful house does for me, and my house is such a place.

Here we are on the eve of the election, and I am bellyaching about my personal circumstances that truly aren't all that extraordinary. But they are mine and I feel the way I do, so I will write and if noone wants to respond (and actually I hope no one responds because there really are more important issues about) so be it.

Earlier this year, I wrote a short list of "possibilities" in my life. The list included some fiction submissions I had made, job prospects, and my PhD application. After a month of starting and restarting my statement of purpose for my application (I must say, these are the two most difficult pages I've ever written) I finally reached a breakthrough and should hopefully finish that soon. It truly is the only possibility I have left, because nothing else has worked.

No job, despite a strong resume and good education. My fiction isn't working. I won't get into my non-fiction project at the moment. Right now, I don't see any light. I find the walls about me closing in - I see myself being shoved toward being a stay at home mom and that is simply devastating. It isn't me. It never has been me, but I have one of those "good catch" husbands (with a very good salary) and see no means of making my own way.

I have been here before, and I have approached situations like this with the belief that I first need to do all I can to help myself - to give myself as many chances as possible. I feel that I have done that here, and no doubt I seek more opportunities as the days pass. But I am at that point where I don't know what else I can do for myself, and I have this unrealistic hope that something will fall from the sky. I know that's not to be.

The result of this is that I've fallen into a rather terrible depression. I'm in no danger, but I'm crying quite a bit. I don't know any of you personally, and you don't know me, but if you asked my husband about my nature he'd describe me as independent and determined. I believe that this aspect of my nature is incongruent with my current circumstances. I feel that I'm trapped in a good situation, if that makes any sense. I am financially and relationship comfortable, but otherwise feel miserable.

I have been journaling quite a bit. I find it helps. About 30 pages so far. I will be honest - I am writing this seeking some sympathy. I wish so much that someone can enter my life - give me that chance or that opportunity so I can develop a life that incorporates some self dignity. But I know that too is unrealistic.

Well, I do hope that everyone GOTV tomorrow. I certainly will. Please forgive this self-involved post, but I needed to get it off my chest.

Love,

Writer.

[Rowdyboy]

1. Life loves to kick you in the gut, and it helps to be callous and insensitive

In case you're not, I wish you love and support. Its a cold world, but its a warm website.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear Writer..........

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from depression...

Get yourself into the hands of a competent therapist, either a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist.......

And they will be able to help you......truly!

I'm sending all my best wishes that you will shortly feel much better...:hug:

[Writer]

4. Hi, CalPeg...

I have been to so many therapists over the last 20 years that there truly is nothing more to talk about. I am a near life-long endurer of depression. It's just one of those situations where something fundamental has to change for me to be able to move on. I can only affect certain elements in my life - the rest will have to evolve on their own.

But thank you for the kind words.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. .....

:hug:

[amitten]

3. As a single hard-working woman, I don't usually "sympathize"

with those of you who have, basically, a meal ticket.

However...

I can certainly imagine that anyone, money aside, would want to pursue something other than Hausfrauing. If you are talented and keep at it, let there be no doubt that opportunity will come your way. Just be thankful that in the meantime, you have the luxury of not trying to live on Ramen noodles and ketchup while you pursue your dream.

And good luck...I know you'll do it! Whatever you put into it, you will get back out. :thumbsup:

[BikeWriter]

6. I know depression well. It sucks being depressed, but...

sometimes there are no easy ways out. Hang in there, I hope you find something that satisfies you.

[miss_american_pie]

7. Oh Writer

:hi: :hi: :hi:

You can PM me anytime if you need to.

[datasuspect]

8. do something different

anything different. something no one would expect out of you.

i know how difficult things can be.

you might need to disappear for awhile and have a month long bender in one of our nearest third world countries.

i used to do that, disappear into mexico for a few weeks, sleep on benches, hitchhike, stuff like that.

[hunter]

15. Yeah, except now I have wife & kids & friends who care.

Before that a wild walkabout alone with Mr. Crazy always got rid of the blues, but these days I'd probably get locked away as some sort of terrorist, and that would greatly inconvenience the people I care about.

But yeah, I do have a few things left in my bag of "unexpected."

Maybe sending a PM to Writer is one of those things...

[datasuspect]

17. i never made that plunge (wife/kids)

have family members who care, but they kinda expect me to do off the wall shit on occasion.

[hunter]

20. It was one of those things no one expected of me...

:party:

[malta blue]

9. Writer...

:hug:

Election or not...personal circumstances are sometimes impossible to escape.

I send you heartfelt good wishes and
:hug: :hug: to assist you at this time. This period in your life will pass. I have been in what sound like similar situations to those you have described, and I can honestly tell you they were some of the darkest days.

Seek the peace and tranquility in the small things, blades of grass covered in dew, falling leaves....you get the drift. And DO NOT stop writing.
Peace...

[mainegreen]

10. Just keep trying and just keep writing.

That's what I always tell my wife. You haven't failed until you quit! I know it sounds cheesy as all hell, but I firmly believe it to be true.

Good luck to you!

[RetroLounge]

11. ...

:hug:

RL

[graywarrior]

12. Been exactly where you are right now.

Only thing that worked for me is taking a few deep breaths and letting it happen. You will come out the other side when you are ready and not before. There are no answers, there are no solutions. It's just part of your process.

Could be hormonal. I went through a major depression in September and part of October. Became obsessive and cried all day over certain things. Went to the doctor last week and found out that menopause is really really REAL and has been happening for the past 10 years but I have been denying all of it.

I'm feeling like life is passing me by without becoming famously recognized and contributing to some major effort in society. No matter what I try to do, nothing happens. Feeling kinda like that? Don't know how to make you feel better, but know that you are not alone.

And Writer, by the way, you so fucking rock and are so valuable and make a definite impression on me every time you post, so do not forget that.

So, just breathe and exoerience the process. Things will change...they always do.

Love ya,

[zanne]

13. As far as your depression goes, here is a true statement.

I don't know where this comes from, but it usually helps me get through some awful times; "Fire cools. Water seeks its' own level". In other words, there's no way that your life can stay the way it is; the laws of nature won't allow it. You'll come out of this thing. I promise.

[crim son]

14. I have been in your position.

Right down to having aspirations as a writer. Turns out, I'm not one of 'em. That aside, maybe now is the time to turn your attentions elsewhere. For whatever reason it isn't working right now. You have the skill; you have the drive; but maybe this isn't the time for you.

To be intelligent and thoughtful and to have to stay at home with the kids... it can be deadly to your sense of self. I remember in the earlier days of my marriage I'd try to describe the feeling of failure and despair to family members. Their responses were uninformed at best. "Try joining a quilting group," my MIL told me. My response: WTF? I was wasting my talents at home. I'd had promise, and now my biggest accomplishment was getting through the day without having my young son pee on me while I changed his diaper. Hindsight informs me that I did indeed accomplish some wonderful things during those days; I have fabulous children and I can make a mean quiche. But at the time it wasn't enough for me and it clearly isn't enough for you.

You can combat your lifelong depression with exercise, medication, and a sustained effort of the will. The fact that you are in a very rough spot right now does not mean you are doomed to stagnation and failure. Take care of yourself, take little steps & do something new every day. Forgive yourself for any backsliding and remember you are not alone. Geez, I really do feel for you. I hope that you regain your hope and energy very quickly. :hug:

[xchrom]

16. this too shall pass.

take care of your self.

don't get too angry, hungry or lonely.

being diagnosed with chronic depression -- it takes work to stay above water -- but it is doable.

be patient with your self.

[BarenakedLady]

18. I can certainly empathize

with much of your situation. I have no advice unfortunately. I'm taking every day as it comes at this point.

I wish you all the best. No apology is necessary for venting. We are here for you.

:hug:

[BigMcLargehuge]

19. Who'd you get the rejection letter from?

(Got one from Soho press on Sunday via my agent).

Speaking as a man who makes his living writing non-fiction (technical training courses), and makes his sanity writing fiction (six short story sales in the last 12 months), there's damn little dignity in it. So if you are looking for professional respect or something from writing, especially fiction, forget it. Fiction isn't working can mean a whole mess of things:

You aren't finishing any stories you start
You are procrastinating and feeling guilty about it (a common writer's ailment often soothed with ice cream and monster movies at my house)
You hate everything you type
You love everything you type, but reread it later and want to rip out your own eyes
Nothing you send out gets accepted at the major markets you've targetted
Nothing you send out gets accepted even at places like 2-bit webzines where the pay is "exposure" (and often, poorly formatted HTML).

I'll address each of these, then try and offer a tip that keeps me writing, submitting, and writing some more.

You aren't finishing any stories you start

Sounds like a problem with focus, i.e. one idea germinates while you're actively working on a different story, thus, you start on the new idea and let the other one die. Solution, work on both. Write the first one until you know you can leave it (mid sentence helps me) and work on the other one until you hit a wall, get bored, decide the idea sucks, or want to work on the first one again. This can take months, but in the end you have a couple of stories for your effort.

You are procrastinating and feeling guilty about it

Solution - Don't feel guilty. You write because you have to, because you want to, but not because you're obligated to.

You hate everything you type

Happens to all of us. Sometimes 20 or 30 (or 100) thousand words in. Solution 1- Scrap it, but save the manuscript to pirate from for other stories. Solution 2 - rewrite it from a different perspective, change tense, POV and see if you can make it work. If the idea is good enough you can pull a story together out of it but it might be entirely different than when you started.

You love everything you type, but reread it later and want to rip out your own eyes

Solution 1 - Give it to someone (or a group) you know who can be trusted to tell you a manuscript sucks if it sucks and make them read it. if it sucks, laugh along with them. If they find things in it that don't suck, re-evaulate those parts and consider editing it. Solution 2 - Put the manuscript in a drawer for a couple of months then reread it. Sometimes putting a "bad" story awayfor a while makes it better.

Nothing you send out gets accepted at the major markets you've targetted

Eat a half gallon of chocolate ice cream or a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken or a large Pizza, watch a favorite movie, soothe your ego for a couple of days. Then send it out again to a different magazine. Form rejection letters are a dime a dozen. Catalog your favorites, mine was a post it note from The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction stuck to my title page that said "sorry, out of forms". Ignore the "no simultaneous submissions" guidelines and submit to multiple markets at one time. You should be so lucky to have two mags offering on a piece.

Nothing you send out gets accepted even at places like 2-bit webzines where the pay is "exposure" (and often, poorly formatted HTML).
Research your markets better. Some editors of these places have nothing better to do than lambaste a submission they reject. Fuck em. Check places like Predators and Editors and Ralan.com for up-to-date listings.

Other more overall solutions could be joining a writer's group, if you end up with a bunch of good people (i.e. people who will tell you when something sucks, and people who show up for each meeting with new writing) having a monthly or biweekly deadline could make you force finished output even in first draft form. That's good as each finished piece helps you hone your craft. If you find a group that gladhandles members and doesn't actively write or help with market research, avoid them. They aren't writers. I've been in three like the later, and none like the former. Thus, I am biased against writer's groups, but that's just me.

I don't know how your writing schedule works, but mine is fluid. I tend to write most on weekends when I can put a couple of afternoon hours into a project. I also work at night after the family goes to bed, but I do that less often now as I am easly distracted by TV when I have that kind of down time. At any given moment I have five or six short stories in production and work through them as I feel like it. Currently I am working on -

Shorts -

Union Dues: The Better Mousetrap (three different versions from three different POVs because I can't make up my mind which one sucks least)
Union Dues: The First Five
Union Dues: The Best Years
Union Dues: All That We Leave Behind
Burden of Bushido 4: Ronin in the Lost City of Ankor
Uthan of the Valley and the Daughters of Kwacha

Novellas -

Zacha (an ersatz Zatoichi story set in present day and featuring a blind former Russian hitman)
Dougboys - An alternate history story for young adults in which the US doesn't intercept the Zimmerman Telegram, Mexico invades Texas in 1917, and Quentin Roosevelt is chosen to lead a new squadron of American pilots against the Red Baron and his aces from Jasta 11.

Novels - Tears of Amaterasu 2: 731. A sequel to my Tears of Amaterasu novel about the 1937 Rape of Nanking.

I could wallpaper my office with rejection letters. It's no big deal and isn't a reflection on me as a person or a writer or even a reflection on the editor. Sometimes the market was wrong, sometimes the story was lousy (as time as proven). But I've had successes too.

My first professional sale, Union Dues: Iron Bars and the Glass Jaw was originally written in 1995, retyped (because all I has was hard copy from my old typewriter), submitted in 2005 and was published in November of last year. Since then I've sold three more Union Dues stories to the same editor, an unrelated story to that editor, my first piece of Flash fiction to Flashquake, and my first "swashbuckling historical" to Flashing Swords.

All within the last 12 months. Sounds great right?

How long have I been writing and submitting? 17 years.
How much have I earned from all of these stories? About 200 bucks.

Just keep at it. If you're going to write, then write. If you are going to submit, then submit.

Robert Heinlein said - Send off every story as if it was the best thing ever authored by a human being, receive the reply as if your story was the worst piece of shit ever authored by a human being.

Harlan Ellison said - Writing is not like a series of gentle nudges and encouragment, but like a series of sharp kicks in the teeth.