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The sketch:
A Voter enters a Campaign Headquarters carrying a laptop.
MR. VOTER: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The Candidate does not respond.)
MR. VOTER: Hello, Macaca?
Candidate: What do you mean "macaca"?
MR. VOTER : It doesn't mean anything, I just made it up.
I wish to make a complaint!
Candidate: We're closin' for the Grand Wizard's funeral.
MR. VOTER: Never mind that, mister. I want to complain about this
campaign that I supported not half a week ago.
(Mr. voter opens laptop, points to campaign homepage)
Candidate: Oh yes, the, uh, the "Virginia White"
...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
MR. VOTER: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, pal: It's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
Candidate: No, no, it's uh,...it's resting up for that last big push.
MR. VOTER: Look, buddy, I know a dead campaign when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
Candidate: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable strategery,
the Virginia White, huh? Beautiful traditional values!
MR. VOTER: The values don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Candidate: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
MR. VOTER: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (typing into the laptop)
Hello, FreepRepublic! I've got a lovely fresh MANDATE for you...
(Candidate hits the laptop)
Candidate: There, the numbers jumped!
MR. VOTER: No, they didn't, that was you messing around behind my screen!
Candidate: I never!!
MR. VOTER: Yes, you did!
Candidate: I never, never did anything...
VOTER: (yelling at screen while typing) HELLO LittleGreenDingleberries!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Turns laptop around and points at final vote tally on a 'BOE.gov' page .)
MR. VOTER: Now that's what I call a dead campaign.
Owner: No, no.....No, it's temporarily stumped!
MR. VOTER: STUMPED?!?
Candidate: Yeah! You stumped it, just as it was closing the gap!
"Virginia Whites" stump easily, y'know.
MR. VOTER: Um...now look...now look, pal, I've definitely had enough of this.
That campaign is definitely defeated, and when I supported it not half a week
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired
and plum tuckered out following a prolonged grassroots GOTV effort.
Candidate: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the hollers.
MR. VOTER: PININ' for the HOLLERS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?
You're from CALIFORNIA!
Candidate: The Virginia White prefers a backwoods facade! Remarkable strategery,
ain't it, buddy? Lovely values!
MR. VOTER: Look, I took the liberty of examining that campaign , and I discovered
the only reason that it had been viable in the first place was that it had been
propped up by push-polls.
(pause)
Candidate: Well, it's really gonna start hopping once we file some briefs!
MR. VOTER: "HOPPING"?!? This candidacy wouldn't "hop" five feet
if you put an IED up its ass!! It's fricking' defeated!
Candidate: No no! It's just pinin' !
MR. VOTER: It's not pining! It's OVER! This campaign is no more!
It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet it's maker! You LOST!
Bereft of votes, it rests in peace! If you hadn't fudged the data it woulda
been pushing up the daisies a month ago! It's metabolic processes are now history!
It's off the ballot! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off 'is mortal coil,
run out the clock and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
Saint Ronnie HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!
It's OVER- GET OVER IT!
YOU, sir, are an EX-Senator!!
(pause)
Candidate: Well, maybe I could still try SOMETHING...
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Sorry pal, I've had a look 'round the back of the HQ, and uh,
we're fresh out of ideas.
MR. VOTER: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Candidate: I wrote a book...
(pause)
MR. VOTER: And does your BOOK have a SEAT in the United States Senate?
Candidate: Nnnnot really.
MR. VOTER: WELL IT'S HARDLY A REPLACEMENT, THEN, IS IT?!!???!!?
Candidate: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
MR. VOTER: Well.
(pause)
Candidate: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
MR. VOTER: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
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