I've signed up for a professional dating service, ask me anything!

[Deja Q]

:wow:

[TOhioLiberal]

1. Do you think...

...that they will find someone compatible with you?

[Deja Q]

3. Nope.

But I will have tried.

Is it not better to try and fail, than to do nothing but wonder what could be?

I'm too unique, too much a 'character', too intelligent, and too different despite most people in personal ads and in the industry in general claiming they want 'different'.

And, yes, I told them up front of both depression and Asperger's Syndrome when asked about mental illness. There is no logic in lying. Quite the contrary, a relationship is about honesty and communication.

[Evoman]

18. Are you kidding? Dating is ALL ABOUT LYING!

You lie and you lie and you lie....then when they marry you, you go A-HA, and pull off your cloak of lies.

Then 2 to 20 years later, you get a divorce.

Then Repeat.

Geez, your hopeless ;)

[Deja Q]

21. Then I shall forever be

hopeless. :shrug:

I'm sorry people are who they are. And I know it's not easy, to get into one or stay in one. But other people have despite differences and they stay together because, despite their differences, they have a loyalty for each other and know what the world is otherwise like. That's why our older generations, despite arguing often, stay together. Loyalty and maturity, even when arguing about the other's differences or failings. Something transcends the petty. (note: certain issues like infidelity and physical battery are definitely legit reasons to end things, but I am continually shocked by what some people think is good grounds for divorce when it's just ridiculous. My parents, aunts and uncles, and others have stayed together for far worse and seem to still be better off.)

And I'm not perfect either. Quite imperfect. But I wish to change, evolve, and improve. So many people refuse to -- like Britney-Federline, for example... she's just a grotesque toddler with way too much media coverage (partly due to the fact she's a walking circus and loves to generate empty controversy) and he's grungy gutter trash; hardly the hard-luck case somebody was led to believe and quite the target for Britney's petty games.

[Evoman]

27. I think marriage is kinda dumb, so I'm probably the wrong guy to talk to.

In fact, I don't necessarily see the divorce rate as such a bad thing...its sort of a maturation of the human race. We realize that we no longer have to stay with people we hate and live a terrible life in order to be socially accepted.

Maybe someday, marriage will become a thing of the past. Who knows.

Don't get me wrong..I'll probably get married too because, although I find things like marriage irrational, I still have to live within the social construct of our society. My gf, who I love very much, wouldn't stay with me if I delayed marriage too long, and I love her too damn much to let her go.

[Deja Q]

28. You rendered your point obsolete:

"I still have to live within the social construct of our society. My gf, who I love very much, wouldn't stay with me if I delayed marriage too long, and I love her too damn much to let her go."

I did not imply my parents or other relatives hated each other. The fact they do communicate their concerns to each other only shows respect. They are just used to their idiosyncrasies.

[Evoman]

31. True enough

But me and my gf never fight or berate each other. EVER. Its the only time I have ever been in a relationship like that.

Still, I like having the option of leaving if my peace gets too disrupted.

On edit: I guess my point was simply that I really don't find value in marriage in and of itself. I.e. I don't want to get married because it will change things or because I like the concept...I need to get married so things DON'T change, lol.

[Deja Q]

32. Logical.

:)

Most couples do fight at some point, but some don't have that problem at all. It's cool you're one of the lucky pairings. :thumbsup:

[Spider Jerusalem]

2. Er...what is a "professional dating service"?

Do they hook you up with a "professional" for an hourly rate? (We call those something else where I'm from.)

Or is this something more along the lines of a grandmotherly Jewish woman in an office with a thick book full of photographs and descriptions, who shows them to you while saying things like "Oh, she's a wonderful girl...such good hips, and her father is a psychiatrist. And they think the surgery might actually work now so that she can go out in public without having to wear a veil. I think you two would really hit it off."?

[Deja Q]

4. LOL

It's not where you answer tin pot questions; they ask you for your life's details and then they meet you so they get to know you as a person. It's definitely an extra depth the previous services I have been using don't bother with. They also do background screening so felons and other nasties are ruled out. Sounds kosher to me.

[Spider Jerusalem]

10. That sounds at least worth trying, I suppose.

You know, if it weren't for the male-female gender gap (4:1 or so, IIRC) a dating service for high-functioning autistics/Aspies would probably be fairly successful.

[Deja Q]

15. Unlikely.

While this is a generalization, it ultimately relies on the compatibility of both partners. One would have to accept and tolerate the idiosyncrasies that Aspies have. And that is as rare as the 4-leaf clover; the Aspies I have met at meetings and I may have similar interests, but our varying levels of patience and other factors would render long term success improbable when compared to an Aspie having a mentor-type personality. In short, "improbable" is an understatement.

[Spider Jerusalem]

24. Eh.

Any relationship's lasting relies on compatibility and toleration of idiosyncracies. And another Aspie is more likely to be tolerant of things like reduced interest in social activities and the occasional perseveration on some random subject than a neurotypical would be. But a relationship with an NT can be a good thing, too, if it works; it can help sometimes to have someone who can act as a buffer between you and the "normal" world, especially in social situations & etc that would be awkward/uncomfortable alone. (of course, genuine mutual understanding is harder, in my experience, in such relationships, just because of the very great differences in perceptions of and interaction with the world and other people.)

[Deja Q]

25. A logical possibility too, yes...

:)

[Spider Jerusalem]

29. And another advantage to a relationship with someone else w/AS...

would be that they wouldn't be constantly parsing what you said, looking for subtext and hidden meaning that isn't actually there, or misinterpreting idiosyncratic body language, facial expression, vocal tone and eye contact as being indicative of anger/boredom/irritation/etc (this is something else that's often a problem in AS/NT relationships, I've found).

[LSK]

5. your going to date "professionals"?

:D

[Deja Q]

7. They did not sound like an escort service.

Though if I ultimately don't qualify, I may as well try an escort service. :shrug:

[MissMillie]

6. If I went out w/ you

Would you give me the money instead?






:hide:

[Deja Q]

8. Yes

But you have to tell me up front if you want children, prefer something causual or something more serious, any mental illnesses, and if you have a criminal record. :D

[MissMillie]

11. answers

the plumbing has been disconnected. I have a 19 year old son

not sure about casual versus serious. I'd like to someday be serious w/ someone, but I'd have to get to know you to know whether or not you're the one I want to be serious with

I used to suffer from depression, but I have it pretty much under control these days

I do not have a criminal record. Yet. Remember I do have a 19 year old son... and sometimes he's just asking for it.

[bigwillq]

9. Did you lie

with any of your info?? :shrug:

[Deja Q]

12. No.

They did not ask about bisexuality and I think I know how to make and keep a decision once made. This particular facet is a rather complex one.

If asked, I will be truthful. I may find men sexually appealing, but that does not mean I would become unfaithful to a woman, or indeed another man if I actually had found a man who was more interested in me than just my fun parts or more interested in heckling me for my ideology; I wonder how some couples manage to stay together 51 years when they really seem to be the exception and not the norm. It's one of the most asinine stereotypes ever, that bisexuals are incapable of forming a monogamous relationship. I know people can do it, but it is a matter of choice. Most people choose not to bother and it does cheapen themselves and the act.

[bigwillq]

14. That's good that you didn't lie.

Honesty is the best policy. :)

[Deja Q]

16. Honesty is the only policy. Anything else is the opposite of conducive.

And since another's emotional well being is put into the equation of a relationship, I would not lie. Even if it means it were not to work out.

[bigwillq]

19. Yeah but you know some people lie

like they say they're 6-0 feet when they're really 5-10 or say they're 180 pounds when they're really 210.

What kind of dating line is this?

[Deja Q]

23. Deceitful.

Is not a professional service, where you are specifically looking for something substantial AND pay for the service to screen people more effective -- because it is more difficult to lie? Or is my belief incorrect?

Also, weight fluctuates. Size does not unless it's osteoperosis, which is unlikely in young people. :)

[Catshrink]

13. eHarmony?

That guy gives me the creeps.

[Deja Q]

17. Not web-based.

I actually have to go into a place for the next consultation, so they can assess my personality and see if I fit more of their criteria.

They come across as a sound organization.

[Evoman]

20. Looking for a relationship or wanna get laid?

If the first doesn't work out, will the second suffice?

[Deja Q]

22. Dunno.

I eventually felt that way with men. A civil union or anything of the like wasn't possible, so I tried the latter. It's not as fulfilling for one thing, I dislike the idea of getting a disease, and most of them laughed at me anyway. Maybe it was my 'unique' sartorial taste at the time? Maybe they were all straight and didn't realize they were in a glbt area... dunno.

Not sure I care any more either. But it's not fulfilling. It was empty and it's not worth the risks.

Maybe a casual thing one day, but even then my definition of 'casual' means that I would be considering something more substantial down the road. I can't "give it up" so readily. Not any more, and even before I made this choice I didn't give it up much in the first place. It's not exciting, nor fun, nor loving, and not all diseases can be prevented by an external prophylactic either.

[coffeenap]

26. Have you ever looked at this site? (NOT dating related, but is

for highly gifted people and some of it addresses Aspies and others.) Great people, good resources. A lot of it is focused on kids, but many adults find it useful too. Good luck!
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/highly_gifted.htm

[mainegreen]

30. Feel free to not answer this one but how would you see a good first date going? nt

[Deja Q]

33. You'd better sit down for this.

Given I haven't "had any" for rather a long time, I'd be very tempted. But thanks to past experiences, I would hold off.

I held off when I dated men as well. Also note, despite how awesome many first dates I had, when I said "no" I never heard back from them. It hurts, knowing it was only because they wanted to hop into bed. And the number of gay men responding to my ads... let's not go there. I'm too tired right now and I spent the better part of a decade looking for what does not exist.

Indeed, the first one night stand I had was because I was going to commit suicide the next day and wanted to know what things felt like. Guess what? Halfway through the act, I gave up. Afraid of getting a disease.

It MUST remain special. I don't want it to be cheap or me cheapened by it.

And despite knowing I could die tomorrow from any number of reasons, I don't like the idea of dying from some dopey STD. Hell, I'm even going to go on my exercise bike tomorrow! Life is about having something to live FOR. Not to be squandered.

Or I could think the opposite; "I may never have another chance at any contact before society implodes and we all die in gitmo so I'll fuck 'til I drop" :eyes: But what's the point in that? I'm tired of being a defeatist and negative and empty.

Go ahead and mock. I got plenty of that in my past. I've always felt this way and every time I try to be "normal" it didn't work out.

[mainegreen]

34. No mock. Very sensible response. Anyways, its much much better

when it means something (I think thats true for anything). It's the corniest sounding thing in the world, but generally corny things are corny because we're uncomfortable with the truth in them.

BTW normal is not cool. I've always enjoyed being not normal. Its nice being not normal especially if you find someone that appreciates one's oddities, tweaky mannerisms and the odd insane behavior or two. Me, my spoken syntax is horrible and I mismatch words, letters and use outdated phrases from last century and flail my arms around while talking like a drunken french politician. I tend to overwhelm people who don't know me. :P

Anyways, I'm sure you have a reasonably good chance out there. Your obviously smart and have things to say. Moody, yes, but then generally interesting people are!

Good luck!
:hi:

[Deja Q]

43. For being smart, I can be quite the fool...

Thanks for the good luck. I will probably need it. :)

[Book Lover]

35. self-delete

[Deja Q]

36. Some aren't given a first.

:(

[Book Lover]

37. You're right and I apologize

I came in and made a smartass comment for a cheap laugh. You are so very right, though. I'm sorry if I sounded stupider than usual...

[Deja Q]

39. Hmmm

I'm sorry you made a mistake and I'm sorry more people don't give you a second chance. You deserve a second chance. Everybody does. And you didn't sound stupid at all. Just because I pointed out a different viewpoint doesn't mean yours is wrong. But I have a right to express my opinions too.

[Book Lover]

41. No, it's worse than that

I never was jailed for anything. Like I said, really stupid thing to post, posted just for the cheap laugh...

my face is very red.

[Deja Q]

42. Oh I see!

Now I'm red-faced too. (I do take things literally...)

I shouldn't have made the OP either. While some people seemed sincere, others treated me like a joke. Mind you, I doubt many would know how to deal with me so I can accept the humor. It's my life.

[Book Lover]

44. In all of this, I forgot something

I wish you the best of luck with this. I really hope you find what you are looking for.

[Deja Q]

45. Thank you.

:pals:

I hope I find what I am looking for too. Even if some say looking doesn't work. :)

[Blue_Tires]

38. can you send me your rejects??

[Deja Q]

40. Two things:

1. Go to www.gay.com or the gay-friendly church I used to frequent - you'll find plenty in both places.

2. I'd say most of them not worth your time. Unless you like being mocked and insulted for being different.

3. I betcha a few of them have a disease you probably wouldn't want to get. So use protection and mite spray too. (See? Three for the price of two, aren't I nice? :D )

[taterguy]

46. Have you bought the Songs For Sixty Five Roses CD yet?

If not, why not? It's absolutely great and the money goes to the worthy cause of cystic fibrosis research

[Kat45]

47. I think that was a good move on your part.

By being honest and having the space to explain who you are, tell that you're an aspie, you have a good chance of finding someone willing to be with someone like you. You won't have to waste your time with the mockers and other superficial people. The service may not have anybody compatable with you, but if they do, you will meet them. It's great that you are being proactive in looking for someone who would fit with you. I have friends whose teenaged kids are aspies, and I can see their intelligence and good qualities, but also see that it will take special people with certain qualities to be good partners for them. Good luck. Oh, you said ask me anything: do you mind that I just commented without asking a question? :-)

[Deja Q]

48. Didn't mind at all. And thank you!

:pals: :hug:

[Porcupine]

49. I have to admire your persistance! Go for it.

Myself I have mostly given up dating or even aspiring to date. Now, I aspire to learn to dance. If I get good then maybe a date will find me. In the meantime it's excercise and a smiling face.

[Deja Q]

50. Or foolishness!

:rofl:

[Blue_Tires]

51. ttt

[Shine]

52. I commend you, HypnoToad.

I haven't read the other questions, so maybe you've already answered this one:

What sort of relationship are you truly looking for? :shrug:

[Deja Q]

54. Hmmm

Long-term. Something with meaning. With another person who wants to build a life together.

In other words, something not real or obtainable because everybody wants everything to be 100% their way and is unwilling to compromise or even converse (apart from half-assed questions that should render all men disqualified if the conditions told to me are said to be universal for all women.) :shrug:

[Shine]

56. I notice that you appear conflicted about what you want.

You state what you want quite clearly, but then in the very next sentence you negate it all by saying it's "not real or obtainable".

Why make it so hard for yourself? :shrug: Why not state clearly, with full intention and heart, what it is that you want and then stay commited to that unfolding in your life? If you are truly wanting to attract what it is you say you want, I invite you to focus more positively about what that might look like for you, NO MATTER WHAT. Be creative, visualize!! See yourself being loved, cherished and valued. Feel the feelings of what that would be like, as if you already have what you want. That's key.

In other words, align yourself more fully with what you truly want, knowing in your heart that it will be drawn to you by the focus of your attention, passion, desire and focus.

Signing up for the dating service was a great first step. :thumbsup: Keep affirming your attractive qualities and your inherent lovability. Everyone is deserving of Love....be OPEN to receiving it, my friend.

:hug:

[Deja Q]

57. Hmmm

My... cynicism of human beings of late makes me believe it is not possible. Trash like Britney Spears being paraded around does not help. The media will always take the sleaziest and present it as the norm, and lemmings like people are, tend to imitate the same thing. It's the media causing the demise of our society or anything approaching a society.

Given how readily I flee from people, partly due to Asperger's but also due to a lingering fear based on some unsavory moments from my youth, also renders things unobtainable. I have been told by many I am "intimidating". And I'll leave it at that because, even the last time I ventured out (over 2 months ago), I just got tired of the harassment. I come across different in public and too many people take advantage of it. Then they want me to support them and their 'community'. :wtf:

I see myself as lots of lovely things. Reality isn't quite the same, no matter how much I try. People do not understand and, on initial contact, even if I think I seem confident, I often get spit on. Even called unjustified taunts from true sleaze. I don't see other people getting this treatment.

I have plenty of experience to justify "not obtainable". I'd rather not say it here. Some of it is biased.

[Fleshdancer]

53. Just promise us it isn't Hannidate

If you aren't using Hannidate, then good luck. If you are, then we shall mock you for a very very long time. :D

[Deja Q]

55. Mock all you like...

No, I'm not using their service and could care less about that service.

But having been used to being mocked my entire life, why should it stop now? Have fun. You know you want to.

[Fleshdancer]

58. no mocking. I just like to make fun of that one particular service

I did mean it when I said good luck. I have many friends who have used a dating service with incredible success. I just thought since the lounge has laughed at Hannidate in the past, my post would be funny. :(

[koneko]

59. Good luck to you with it

My cousin just got engaged last month - to the very last referral she had w/ her dating service. The first referrals she had were not good matches, and she almost cancelled on the last one. Good thing she didn't. I must say that I've rarely seen two people as compatible as they. I'm contemplating signing up now, too.

I hope it all works out for you!!!!!