Why are undesireable men attracted to me? (I'm married and not trying to attract)

[Nikia]

By undesireable, I mean unattractive and have something about them that has lead to them being unsuccessful in relationships. Most of these men are 35-50 and have either never been married or have been divorced for more than a couple years and not had a successful relationship since.
I am 28 and married and not trying to attract these men or anyone else besides my husband.
These men are overly friendly to me and usually come out and tell me that they like me/and or find me attractive.
Should I be flattered or insulted? Why do they go after me?

[Xipe Totec]

1. Maybe they like the way you do violence

to the English language.

:yoiks:

[Deja Q]

2. What are you doing that could be perceived as 'leading them on'?

Which is probably unintentional, but I'm not going to profess I know anything about the human condition. From your own descriptors, I'm unattractive too. Well, I'm not 35 yet but what the hell, I'm close enough.

I can't say you should feel flattered. I ought to, but I get scared out of my wits when someone finds me attractive and/or say so. Don't ask why, I'm not in the mood to tell sob stories right now. Unless you like stories anbout molestation, sexual assault, et cetera...

[Guava Jelly]

3. hey hot stuff

:rofl:

[johnnie]

4. Maybe wearing clothes in public would stop that

:shrug:

[BlueJazz]

30. LOL!....johnnie..

:rofl:

[Fleshdancer]

5. people are attracted to unavailable people it seems

I had this conversation with a friend the other day. When she was single she couldn't get a date to save her life. Now that she's in a great relationship, suddenly there are interested men all over the place.

I remember when I was newly married I just assumed that my wedding ring would be a big enough sign that I wasn't available. It turned out I was wrong. Some people see a wedding ring and think "ohh...no strings AND a fun challenge". This surprised my husband too because more women started to hit on him after he had his wedding ring as well. It was very odd.

Just be firm in your response to these guys. Looking them in the eye and saying "I'm married and not interested" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

[Nikia]

13. That could be true

Now that I think about it, that seems to be my experience. My husband says that it has been his experience too.
Yes, I think that I have to be more firm. I think that anything less than that seems to be seen as "Maybe, if you try harder."

[NewJeffCT]

17. same with me as a guy

After i got married, I suddenly had a lot of attractive women smiling at me, saying "hello" without any solicitation, etc. These women wouldn't give me the time of day before. Literally the day I came back to work after my honeymoon, a very attractive woman came up to me and started talking to me, smiling at me, etc. I'm sure she could not have missed me nice shiny new wedding band...

[Boojatta]

18. You've provided enough info to suggest an alternative approach.

I remember when I was newly married I just assumed that my wedding ring would be a big enough sign that I wasn't available. It turned out I was wrong. Some people see a wedding ring and think "ohh...no strings AND a fun challenge". This surprised my husband too because more women started to hit on him after he had his wedding ring as well. It was very odd.

Just be firm in your response to these guys. Look them in the eye and say "Can you keep a secret? I'm actually not married. Without this ring, I wouldn't have any chance at all. So, how about you; how do you attract people?"

[mike_c]

6. hey sweetie, what's your sign...?

I'm a horndog, aheh, aheh-- buy you a drink...?

[Name removed]

7. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Deja Q]

9. Quite. I wonder how those people can want to tolerate her...

:wow:

[asthmaticeog]

10. Well, statistically, she stands a 50% chance of being divorced by 35 anyway.

Maybe she'll take to insulting herself? Hopefully the whole world will still be in looooove with her then.

[Nikia]

11. Sorry, I didn't mean to be insulting

To unmarried men over 35. I don't think that automatically makes a man undesireable.
The men that I am referring to from my experience do seem to have personality traits or other characteristics though that do make me think "No wonder they aren't in a relationship." I am not saying that they are doomed to never have a relationship if they want one or get married. I am just saying that if I were single I wouldn't date them and many of my female friends wouldn't date them for those same reasons.

[Deja Q]

12. Yes, yes. We forgive you.

Archie Bunker likes to call black people 'coloreds' to their faces too then says he's not prejudiced...

May you never get divorced at this point. :loveya:

[Nikia]

20. Maybe I should have been more specific

Men with drug and/or alcohol problems, men with anger problems, men with no empathy, men who are only nice when it is to their benefit, men who lack any manners, men who say misogynistic things often enough, men who are bigotted against people because of group charactistics, men who are really moody, men with very evident low self esteem, men who are very self centered, men with hygeine problems.
Yes, I probably insulted some people more and will no matter what I say after this.
Single or not, would you be happy if these guys were hitting on you often, if you seemed to attract them even if you didn't intend to attract anyone.
And surely you don't find every person desireable who hits on you.

[Deja Q]

22. Thank you.

I also know which qualifiers I have and will never have. (self esteem is an obvious issue I have, but it's ironic and even amusing how a person's self-esteem can go up when they meet the *right* person. And I've been called moody. And as I am wise to know I am foolish, I also know I will never be suitable for anybody... if I wasn't so pedestrian in thought, I should have let myself get and die of a disease ages ago. But, no, I chose to try to be righteous and all that and live with the jibes and maltreatment of my fellow mankind... And on a half-related tangent, it's also funny how people criticize me for not being on 'their' side, yet they don't ask WHY I believe the way I do. It's hard to call our society a 'community' when we don't prove that we are...)

I wish I was a simple person...

BTW: I know a chap with hygene problems and he's got a wonderful wife and 2 children and they're still together strong. So much for stereotypes, not all women believe as you do.

[leftofthedial]

8. sorry

it was just that I was so horny I didn't care who I did it with

[NewJeffCT]

14. what if it was a desirable guy?

would it be ok then?

and, i would hope you find it flattering. There are plenty of women that do not get attention at all.

[Deja Q]

15. Ouch.

It wouldn't be okay, but since other DUers (not Nikia) think that I am high and haughty with my morals solely because I don't get many opportunities for even dating (and not because I might just have a grain of integrity, our shithole of a society is so depraved that nobody thinks anybody might be even remotely decent anymore?!!), it's a fair question to ask. If it was an attractive person, do the rules get bent then?

When does 'flattering' become more? And this time it transcends 'leading on'.

[NewJeffCT]

19. I didn't mean to be harsh

But, I always wonder about some women who (rightly) complain that a guy is staring at them - would they complain as much if the guy looked like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington or George Clooney?

[Deja Q]

21. From observation, the answer would be 'no'.

Also, people will inevitably look. It's not always comfortable, but we're still human. Which, has been said by others, is a glorified and purportedly more intelligent animal. Instinct is still inevitable, and some times we have to be accountable for our own actions. I for one needn't be scared when somebody looks at me, even if I can sense mutual attraction. But that's another story...

[NewJeffCT]

24. well, looking is one thing

but, staring for an extended length of time is different. I'm sure Nikia would not complain if men "noticed" her, as opposed to be attracted

[Deja Q]

25. Thanks for the clarification.

[Nikia]

23. I suppose that I would be flattered initally

If it wasn't something too direct. I am always offended by "Hey, nice tits." regardless of how attractive the guy is.
No matter how attractive and otherwise decent a guy would be I would be offended if he were persistent after I told him that I was married.

[NewJeffCT]

34. Somebody would actually say that?

"Hey nice tits"?

I could see it if you walked past a gang of men at the stereotypical construction site, but not really in a 1 on 1 situation. Though, I know women sometimes have trouble with men not making eye contact with them - my ex-wife said one of the things she liked about me when we first met was that I was the first guy that actually made - and kept - eye contact with her, and didn't stare at her chest. Still, looking at a woman's chest is different than actually saying, "hey, nice tits"

[Nikia]

36. Unfortunatly, yes

Some of the situations were more like what you described: I was running and guys either alone or in groups yelled that. Almost every time I have gone to a bar, some guy has come up to me and said that, either as the first thing he said or a few minutes into the conversation. A guy at my previous job, who left shortly after the incident for unrelated reasons, said something to that effect after he commented that he noticed I was wearing thong underwear the previous day (They hadn't been sticking out or anything and I only wore them because I needed to do laundry).
My husband and I also went to a concert with a couple of friends. While my husband and the others went to the bathroom or to get drinks or something, I was standing alone with a male friend. A young man who my friend recognized came up and after a few seconds of chat first asked our friend if I was his girlfriend. When my friend said "No" without adding that I was taken by someone else, the young man said "Hey, nice tits, can I see them?" I just stared at him shocked until my friend then told him that I was married.

[sweetheart]

16. smell, you probably smell good

men are like dogs, you must have an alleuring scent

[Nikia]

37. I think that I started attracting more of them after using body wash

And I thought that I was just protecting my skin.

[RedCloud]

26. Some women carry the goddess gene...

Many men are helpless under its irresistible spell.

You probably need a squad of tough guy eunuchs to protect you. Good luck.

[crim son]

27. It sounds to me like the same men hitting on you are the

same men hitting on me, and I'm not yet divorced, forty-three, unemployed and have three children. Why do these guys hit on anybody? Because they can, and eventually they're going to find somebody who'll take them up on it. It won't be you, and it won't be me!

[idgiehkt]

28. because they have penises

and you have a vagina? No offense...it think it's just the way of the world.

edit to add: it might also be the marriage thing, they might be hoping you're not satisfied at home and you'll cheat (hell, half the time that's what the Lounge feels like, lol); and I you do it would be straight sex with no expenditures and no committment. Maybe that's what they are lookig for. You could mention an acquaintance of mine to them, a beautiful man with a great personality who was dating a married woman. Her husband followed him home one night, beat his head in with a crowbar and left him, dead, under his front porch.

[Monk06]

29. If your name is really Nikia change it. Nikia is way too hot !!

[last_texas_dem]

31. They probably find you attractive

I guess that sounds like a simplistic answer, but it's probably true. People can't help who they find attractive, and members of both genders have the problem of being attracted to people who may be "out of their league" for whatever reason. One reason so many people are lonely is that they are seeking the (generally) unattainable. There's no excuse for men who behave crudely or rudely due to their being attracted to you, but, unless they're being insulting in how they go about it, I don't see any reason to be insulted by it.

[dpbrown]

32. Undesirable men are attracted to every girl, don't take it personally

If women desired every man who was attracted to them, well then people would talk, wouldn't they.

[rug]

33. Would you have a different reaction if a desirable man was attracted to you?

[NewWaveChick1981]

35. The same thing has always happened to my sister.

:shrug: She has not ever been able to figure it out. She does NOT give off signals (at least that she knows of) and has not encouraged that type of behavior. It happens less now than it did when she was in her late teens and 20s (she's 41 now and married with two kids), but it still happens on occasion. In fact, when I was about 25 (she'd have been about 23), we were waiting for the bus in Chapel Hill to take us home after work, and some weird guy came up to her (not to us, but to her) and just started talking. He asked her for a date right there, and she said, "No, sorry, I'm already taken." He said, "So am I!" and gave her a very sleazy wink. This guy had obvious emotional problems, but he singled her out like a lot of other strange, bizarre guys. I told him politely that she was seeing someone and she wasn't available, and he moved on. When we got on the bus, she asked me why all the weirdos were attracted to her, and I said I had no idea. :yoiks:

I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry. :hug: