very personal post, but I have to share....

[mike_c]

There's a long story here-- a couple of them actually-- but I'll give you the short version. This afternoon I apologized to a woman I broke up with nearly 20 years ago. We have stayed friends-- close friends, in fact. She is probably my best friend. We live on opposite sides of the country but talk frequently and visit occasionally. We were married for 10 years and have a grown daughter who, coincidentally, got married a couple of weeks ago to a fine young man.

We were young when we were married. Over the years, as I've grown older, I've come to understand how badly I behaved-- I was a hotheaded young dude, too smart for my own good, and my ex let me run roughshod over her personality. It's an old story that I'm sure many DUers are familiar with, from both sides of the gender divide. I was never abusive or anything like that, just a pigheaded young asshat. We all know the type-- hell, many of us ARE the type. In the end I left her for another woman who, it turned out, was not worth any of the pain I caused. Like most such stories, the circumstances were not really that simple and clearcut, but the outcome was pretty banal regardless.

I have carried the guilt for my behavior for many years. Although we've remained friends, even deepened our friendship over the years, I've never been able to talk about my regrets and my guilt. I've carried it for almost 20 years. It is the one thing from my past that I regret to my very bones.

I called her today and told her. I've dreaded doing that for years. I apologized. She said she knew how I felt all along, knew that I carried the guilt and regret, and that she was glad I finally brought it out and talked about it. She has her own regrets and we talked about them too.

It feels so good to have that burden lifted, even if only a little bit. At least it's not a secret anymore. After keeping the lid on it for so many years, I can't stop talking about it now! So thanks for listening, DU.

[Haole Girl]

1. Your story made me cry...

...good for you for facing the demons of your past. I have many I've never confronted. :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. That's a great story, my dear mike_c........

Thank you for sharing it with us!

I am so glad that you were able to overcome your fears and talk to your ex...

I think you just increased your chances for a much happier and lengthier future.......

:hug:

[Xipe Totec]

3. You are lucky,

that you lived long enough to see your error and have taken steps toward your redemption.

Not everyone is equally lucky.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=5137774&mesg_id=5138056

FWIW, I admire you for acting as a man, and a human being.

[Beausoir]

4. She must be feeling so much better as well!

Nicely done and I am glad for you both.

[Bunny]

5. I'm glad you're feeling better about it. That must have been tough.

May I ask how you would have felt if she had not been receptive to your apology? I have personal reasons for asking - I have reason to think that someone who treated me very badly in the past is working up to apologizing for his behavior. The problem is that I'm not feeling very charitable toward him, and frankly I really wish he'd not do this. If the day comes when he makes the call, I don't know what I'll say to him.

[mike_c]

6. I was not at all sure that she would be...

...although as I said we are close friends so I felt pretty confident that she would not tell me to piss off. What I feared the most was being laughed at I think-- "You WHAT? Oh grow up for Christ's sake!"

The truth is that if she had been genuinely harsh about it I would have understood completely. I've long been accustomed to the truth that she owes me nothing and I owe her a great deal of amends. If she were to choose not to accept that, well, she has every right.

on edit-- my advice: be honest with yourself and with the guy. If you're not inclined to accept his apology tell him that-- if he's sincere he will understand why. An apology without contrition is not worth much. If he regrets acting badly he won't expect forgiveness.

[Bunny]

7. Thanks for the response.

I hope that if the time comes for me, that I can be gracious - for my sake as much as his. Carrying around bad feelings for years can really drag you down.

I am glad it worked out for you. I was a bit of an asshat in my younger day, too! ;)

[BeFree]

8. Forgive?

No way! The healthy thing to do is let it gnaw away at your insides and in so doing hold yourself back from really living...../sarcasm

One must always be willing to forgive. And the first person that should be forgiven is usually thyself.

[johnnie]

9. Thanks for sharing this mike_c

I'm glad you got that off your chest and that it all went well.

I believe that if we are feeling guilt of any kind, it is best to face it head on with the person and let the chips fall as they may. Sometimes they may not accept it right off the bat, but eventually I believe they will.

Life is filled with opportunities we mess up and sometimes we don't learn from things until much later, but the important thing is, we do learn. If you take the time to open up to a person you feel that you have hurt and they won't accept it right away, that just reflects on their position at the time to open up and learn too.

We are human beings and sometimes we really fuck up and it might take us a bit to swallow our own ego and admit to ourselves that we did mess up. It would not be a human existence if we didn't mess up. I think that as human beings we have to also give room for others to be human and even though they might have hurt us in someway, it is only right to let them try to heal and accept their apologies when they offer them.

The attempt on both ends can be healing two-fold. The person doing the apologizing can heal by getting it off their chest and admitting to their wrong-doing and the person who is being apologized to can learn to not hold on to things from their past and by forgiving someone can sooth their soul more than they think they know. It is very heartwarming and rewarding to forgive.


All in all, life is short and to hold onto guilt OR blame is only a waste of energy that could be very well spent on love.

[NewWaveChick1981]

10. I'm so happy things turned out well for you, mike_c!

:hi: :hug: Almost four years ago, I got up the nerve to contact my ex-boyfriend. We had dated for four and a half years, and he was my first love. We broke up in 1985. Although he had been dishonest and hurt me, and although I had tried hating him after things ended very badly, I just didn't hate him. I wanted to see how he was and to let him know that I didn't hate him. I didn't know how he would react or even if he would be receptive to my contact. All I wanted to do is let someone who had once meant so much to me know that I was OK and that I hoped he was OK too. He didn't respond immediately, which I nearly gave up on, but when he did, it was positive. He apologized for the things that had happened, and I felt like I had finally gotten some closure. We still keep in touch, which I am grateful for.

I understand what it meant to you. :) :pals: I'm very happy for you! :D

[crim son]

11. I don't know why, but that made me sad.

Still, I'm glad for you. Carrying strong, negative emotions with you for any length of time - it hurts. Even when you become used to it, it's still hurting you.

[mike_c]

12. I feel much better now....

I'll always regret behaving badly, but somehow it makes some difference to admit it to the person I hurt and own it.

[crim son]

17. Well, you're a rare man.

That's all.

[S n o w b a l l]

13. Wow.......

I guess this was what I needed today to let loose of the tears.

Congratulations to you, Mike, for taking this step. It was a step my Dad should have taken with my mother years before he was on his deathbed. He spent those last years still loving her with so many regrets but, never told her...they didn't talk until she came to see him when he was dying. He died 18 yrs ago today....so this really hit me tonight.

You're so fortunate to have remained friends...but, now you have the finishing touches & peace of mind...that's wonderful! :)

[Shine]

14. What a great post, mike. How wonderful that you created a healing from your apology.

:hug: I commend your Courage. :toast:

Life is too short for Guilt and Regret...

[Dangerously Amused]

15. Thank you for posting that. It spoke to me.

I know you thought about contacting her for a long time; what was it that finally prompted to you take action (if you don't mind my asking)?

[mike_c]

18. we've been in regular contact over the years...

...because we've stayed good friends. It was hard to be friends at first of course, when everything was still pretty raw, but it meant enough to both of us to get through that. It's been since 1989 when we split. I've just never talked about my feelings about what happened, and my guilt and remorse.

As for what prompted action-- it has been building up inside for a long time now. I've had an overwhelming sense of unfinished business, and I KNOW I owed her better than that. It took nearly 20 years for my character to finally find some spine, I guess. I didn't want to wait until one of us was gone and the opportunity forever lost.

[Dangerously Amused]

23. I mean,

...what finally triggered the contact and made you go "Okay, that's it. I'm calling her today"? What made it actually happen as opposed to all the other times you thought about making it happen, but didn't? Like was it something somebody did or said or posted, or a Dear Abby column about apologizing in the paper that day, or a tv episode with a similar situation, or a dream you had the night before...?

[mike_c]

26. I don't know-- I've been thinking about it for some time...

...and I just had that sense that it was time. We usually talk a couple of times a month, and neither of us has called for several weeks, so there was already a sense of "hey, I should call," and I really felt the need to get this off my chest, or at least start to. Maybe it has something to do with our daughter getting married. Maybe it's just that the itch in my conscience was finally too much to bear. I just don't know-- nothing HAPPENED to make it necessary, but I felt like something tipped in me and I needed to at least acknowledge my responsibility and my regret. We've been friends, we're still friends-- nothing has really changed, or will change, or should change. I just felt an overwhelming need to admit my responsibility for hurting her and for being the person who did that. It's not just the events that count, it's the betrayal of character.

[lizziegrace]

16. ...

:hug:

[OllieLotte]

19. Thats a great story.

[liberalhistorian]

20. Glad to hear it went well, mike,

I know you'd thought about discussing it with her but didn't know how she'd react; what you describe, though, is the way I always thought she'd react. Glad you finally took that step, it really does help and make a difference.

Now, if I could just get Tedd to apologize for throwing me out of the house when I was pregnant and then accusing me of cheating on him so he could get out of having to take responsibilty for our son! It's been sixteen years, though, so I doubt it will ever happen.

[mike_c]

24. yeah, this has been a canker on my soul for a long time....

To be truthful it was never V's reaction that I feared as much as my own. You and I have talked about this before, how as we get older we begin to see our younger selves through a longer and more experienced lens. I could never be the person today that I was 20 years ago, despite being glad for the experiences that made me who I am today. The only parts I really regret are the times I hurt other people. We all do it, and sometimes it's necessary-- sometimes it's the only rational thing to do, and the pain is just inescapable, but we carry the remorse for that just the same. This one was really deep, and it has stayed with me for a long time. I needed to be honest about it. Like I said up thread, I owe amends and I know it. The first step is admitting it. I don't want to live the rest of my life making excuses. I don't think I could change any of it even if I had an opportunity-- that's the real tragedy of human experience, I think-- knowing that circumstances dictate our actions, and that we betray our character by responding badly.

I thought about talking this over with you-- you've been such a good friend and I value your advice so much-- but I had one of those moments when I knew that I had to pick up the phone and do it, just then. I'm glad I did. It really is a tremendous burden lifted.

[liberalhistorian]

25. I think it's great that you finally did it, and I think

you'll find that your friendship will be even deeper and easier now. And I'm sure, speaking as a woman, that she really, truly appreciated it. She may have known all along that you regretted it, but actually hearing it from you personally makes a real difference.

So, Nora and Phil really did go down to the courthouse and get married? That's great; I'll bet it's strange to think of her as married now, though. I think knowing she was getting married might have been the catalyst for you to finally do this, as it often is in these situations.

BTW, the certain person at the certain website that tried to "denounce" you to your boss has been "demodded" and "de-activated" at said site for overstepping his bounds and abusing his power as a moderator, among other serious no-nos. Gee, who'da thunk it? :rofl: :rofl:

[mike_c]

27. yep-- I have an uber geek and fine young man for a son in law....

Sigh. I worry about them a lot-- having lived through that part of life and botched it in many ways, and it being the source of my remorse with her mother, I hope they make a better job of it than V and I did!

[liberalhistorian]

28. Nora has her head on pretty straight, I have

the feeling they'll both be just fine!

[survivor999]

21. It's good to talk about it. But...

It's sad that the damage was done and cannot be fixed. Those times are gone. What you could have built together will never exist. Life sucks at times.

[Bullwinkle925]

22. It's refreshing to be able to lift that load, isn't it?

She sounds like a peach. You too. I'm glad that you have remained friends for all these years. Now your grandchildren (to be - if that's in the cards) will have grandparents who will be wonderful mentors.
Best of luck and congratulations on your giant leap.

:bounce: