Trouble with co-worker: What would you do?

[prolesunited]

I had been friendly with someone, but now her schedule has changed because I thought it was unfair that I work EVERY weekend and have demand (and gotten) some relief from such a brutal schedule, though she still gets way more weekends off.

She is very demanding, opinionated and vocal. I just stopped talking to her except to interact professionally with her. I'm no good at fake nice, not that I think it would even work with her.

Now, she's taking every opportunity to make me look bad and belittle me to other co-workers.

I just want to go to work and get my job done, not engage in high school BS or try out some of the back-stabbing schemes on survivor. But, the tension continues to grow.

What would you do?

[Hotler]

1. Let the quality of your good work speak for its self, or..

you could when no one else is around and can not see or hear you when it's just you and them tell them that if you get word that they are stabbing you behind your back that you'll kick their ass. And if they tell anybody about this you'll kick their ass. It's best to knock them out and leave them and just say they must of slipped on a bar of soap.

[prolesunited]

2. I'm going with the first plan

I just wondered if others would have different ideas.

As far as threatening her, it's not my style. Besides, she's a big woman and undoubtably could kick my ass.

[idgiehkt]

4. verbal threats are grounds for immediate dismissal at most jobs.

my cousin got fired a few months ago for joking about a co-worker who was a friend, saying she was going to 'beat her butt', totally in jest. Unfortunately a rival heard her and reported her and she was terminated, the rule is no exceptions because of the threat of a lawsuit from the one threatened if the business didn't take action when they first learned of the behavior, so no, threats of that kind and anything like that leading up to assault (threats can even be assault in some states) are a lousy idea.

Just document every freaking thing that happens...everything, whether you hear her or see her do it or what third parties tell you. Lay in wait; she will screw up eventually, blowhard bullies always do.

I tried to respond to this earlier, I had a huge post typed out with some of the problems I had with a previuos co-worker but I hit the wrong button and ALL of it got deleted. I tried to get it back and couldn't. Good luck to you, just do your job as best you can, keep your performance level up, but definitely document everything. Remember about 'creating a hostile work environment', it's part of discrimination/harassment law even though I don't know if the harassed party has to have some kind of minority status or not. You'll want to have some documentation if you go to h.r. to demonstrate this isn't just a one time occurrence. Another tip: specifically pay attention to things she may be doing that might cost the company money...the bottom line is what they will act on first, I've learned that the hard way.

[Kerrytravelers]

3. When one coworker belittles another, it makes them look stupid and childish.

If this person is acting like that, I would think less of her, not you.

I'm sure your coworkers agree. Just continue going about your business and let her tailspin. Apparently, that is what she has chosen. It's probably not about you, per say, but who ever would be in your place. Often, other people are projecting their anger on us. It's hard when you just want to knock them into next week, but staying above that silly level will be the best in the long run. Chances are, if she's like that, your bosses have heard as well. She may soon find herself unemployed.

[Haole Girl]

5. Let it go

Just ignore her. My favorite saying in situations like this is, "If you wait long enough they will either leave or die." I've found this to be true. ;-)

[prolesunited]

6. I know

I'm just venting. I'm at work right now and she pulls more crap when our primary boss is gone.

[hfojvt]

7. I'd just goto work and get my job done

but I might also speak to my supervisor about some of the BS.

[Floogeldy]

8. Would you believe that in my 53 years I have never had this problem?

It is true. Perhaps I am blessed with a gift. I think I kind of have a radar for the kind of person you are describing. My approach?

I care about them. I talk to them about themselves. I probe and encourage. I be understanding. I am supportive. I am sympathetic. I get on their side and, usually as a consequence, they get on my side. It is a difficult thing to explain. There are ways of disarming people by talking to them, understanding them, appreciating them, and being their friend. And all of this combined with kind frankness. I don't know what else to say other than that if you are so at odds with this person, there may be enough blame to go around to both of you. Honesty mixed with compassion really works.

I am not talking about rolling over and laying down for these kind of people. I'm talking about very subtle communication, firmness and a positive attitude.

Again, it is very difficult to explain. I have worked with people who I knew would turn on me in a second. I managed to make them my best friends. Don't be defensive. If you are confident in yourself, you can put their needs before yours and reap great rewards.

I tried.

[prolesunited]

9. I did do all of that prior to this

and we were more than civil, downright friendly. It was fine until she was forced to a few weekend nights so that I could have some off.

When the boss tried a friendlier approach a few months ago, she said she had plans every weekend for the conceivable future. When he put his foot down, (and it's still not equitable) that's when she started hating me.

I'm sure if I said I would work EVERY weekend so she could spend time with her family (because obviously her family is more important than mine) she would be my friend again. So, no, I will not put her needs before my own.

[Floogeldy]

12. You were unsuccessful.

Godspeed, PU.

[prolesunited]

13. You're right

It's my fault. If only I could be more like you. ;-)

[Name removed]

17. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[idgiehkt]

16. I had a co-worker who was a minister ask for every weekend off to preach.

She even brought her schedule in to show me all the Saturday nights she was scheduled to preach. I am agnostic. I told her hell no, that I would alternate Saturdays with her as scheduled. This is in the south, and God is pretty respected down here, but I didn't give a damn. She could quit if she wanted every weekend off if she so desired. She did just about everything she could after that to make my life a living hell. She even set her boyfriend up to 'come on' to me. When he did, not knowing it was a scam, I told him that she had been badly hurt in a relationship prior (true) and if he was not serious about her to not string her along. Because I am a f*cking nice, moral, decent human being. I only found out later that it was a scam; apparently she had told him to get close to me and try to get me to say -whatever- (?) about her so she could use it against me. I was definitely out of my league with that one. Still, my supervisor accused me of being jealous of her about this boyfriend in a disciplinary meeting, so I was forced to come out to two supervisors, one of which I think was also gay, so that worked in my favor, although it was a violation but I had no other alternative at that point since she had my supervisor convinced I was 'after her man'.

Oh Christ, it gets better, I just remembered anothe part of the problem. I had told her boyfriend that he shouldn't be hanging around in our department on the clock (he worked in another part of the building) if he wanted to get a permanent job, as he was a temporary worker at the time...when someone gained full-time employment from being a temp we called it being 'hired on'. Well, I have a soft voice and a southern accent, so when I was asked to repeat what I had said to him, and I did, my supervisor heard it as though I had said to him, "if you want to get a hard-on...". I couldn't figure out quite what their objection was to me making that statement was until I went to h.r. about it the next day because I was so angry about it; it was then that the h.r. assistant realized what I had really said and straightened it out. Sorry to go on so much. Eventually this bitch, (and she earned that label many times over) gave up on her shenanigans to get me fired and faked an injury and was put on light duty for the rest of the time I worked there. After I left (I moved out of state) she came back into the dept and caused so much trouble and got the supervisor in so much drama that HE was moved out of the dept by personnel, because they were afraid she would bring a lawsuit. They should have believed my side of things, but no.

I think Floogeldy's advice is very, very wise, like in Cruel Intentions where they say 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'; if you can swing it that is the best tack and I have just now in my late thirties developed the social skills to be able to maneuver like this, but it comes after years of bitter experience of being forthright and wearing my heart on my sleeve. I wish you luck. She will trip herself up eventually; if she's doing this to you she's doing it to others, but your focus should be on keeping your cool and your performance up to par no matter what. Best of luck. :hug:

[Susang]

18. In real life perhaps

Online, I wouldn't be so sure. Sympathy, support and caring haven't seemed to be the hallmark of your DU posts. You actually seem to go out of your way here to piss people off. So, will the real Floogeldy please stand up?

[Lautremont]

10. A couple of these will settle any dispute:

I know it says 'bomb,' but these cause no harm. They don't explode; they merely pop. No flames or concussive waves are released. Instead, an atmosphere of cooperation and compassion is emitted, suffusing the whole office with its delicate miasma.

I realize this solution isn't for everyone. I do wish you the best of luck in resolving this conflict.

[The Wielding Truth]

11. She seems very insecure. Just do your job and be kind.

Good luck. I think she has problems that don't have anything to do with you.

[QMPMom]

14. I could have written this post.

I'm in the same boat as you and, the situation you described, combined with my DH having to go on disability for health reasons and my Dad being very ill, led to me having a nervous breakdown at the end of August.

I'm currently off on three months stress leave and in therapy. I'm scheduled to go back to work on December 2 and am dreading it.

My therapist has worked with me on some self-hypnosis responses to calm myself when the person starts to really push my buttons. We've also done work with going to my "happy place" and having a focal point on my desk to help me to trigger the responses. We've also been working on a lot of "I" responses instead of accusatory "you" responses.

I wish you the best of luck. A tension-filled work environment is horrid. Hang in there.

[prolesunited]

15. Sorry to hear that

It's certainly not at that level at all. I sit off in a corner and it's fine by me so I can avoid all the office chit-chat easily enough.

And at my last job, it was MUCH worse. I had people *actively* trying to get me fired. They were political hacks and wanted to get one of their cronies in.

I had a really bad year last year and discovered yoga. It really has helped me a lot.

[China_cat]

20. I don't have a job anymore

but I still have my favorite cup...that helped me through many, many rough days...sitting next to me. The saying on it might be of help to you;

Smile...it makes people wonder what you've been up to.

[Susang]

19. I had a co-worker who disliked me intensely.

For some reason I was unaware of. I was new at the job, so she obviously took some kind of instant visceral dislike to me. Since she'd been there for many years, she felt it was her job to pull me aside after I'd been there a month and inform me that nobody in the department liked me and that the work I was doing was making them look bad, so I should stop doing so much. She made my life miserable for almost a year, as the situation came at a really rough time in my life.

Bullies are everywhere. Especially the workplace. It really isn't much different from high school. Not very profound I know, but it's late, that's all I've got. ;-)