I have a friend who is an abused husband and need suggestions.

[babylonsister]

His wife (married about 17 years, 2 kids, aged 12 and 16) is a drug addict (pain killers). Her last stint in rehab lasted a month to the tune of about $7,500 (which he doesn't have); she was released two days ago, and disappeared today. She has no real friends, nor does he after her actions. This has been going on for years.
I asked where she's getting the money to support her habit and he said she's selling anything she can get her hands on from their home, including her son's leather jacket, writing hot checks, etc. She house-sat for us last year and stole from us.
The problem is as a man and a husband, he's been told he has no recourse, cannot kick her out, unless she does something violent. He has no feelings left for her, but can't get out from under her negative influence. Her kids despise her, but she's like a bad penny and keeps showing up, and nothing can be done. She also doesn't have a family so can't go there. Dad died, and she's burned any other bridges she might have had.
He's talked to health care professionals and cops. No one has any good advice.
Any suggestions? We're in TX. I imagine every state has different laws, but I feel really bad for this man and his kids. She's toxic but he can't shake her legally.
My suggestion was to call a battered women's shelter and ask for assistance, but otherwise I'm stumped.

[L A Woman]

1. What do you mean he "can't shake her legally?"

How about filing for divorce???

[Cleita]

36. Complications perhaps with losing his kids.

Courts still favor the mother.

[billyskank]

63. The courts would favour THAT mother?

Surely not. :wtf:

[lizziegrace]

68. Over here?

absolutely. There is no rhyme or reason (or oversight) in the US courts. :(

[williesgirl]

2. Why doesn't he file for divorce? Bad influence on kids etc. He may end up

paying alimony, but could bar her from the home and from visitation w/kids.

[ixion]

3. Cut if off clean, file for divorce, give her everything, if necessary

that's my advice. he may have to start over, but at least he'll be clear of the trouble.

[babylonsister]

43. Give her everything? Why? She's an addicted moron. nt

[ixion]

51. unfortunately, the 'law' doesn't always see it that way

it tends to give the benefit of doubt to the woman. If she wanted to be a pain, she could fight it, which could drag it out for months or years.

Guys generally don't get out of divorces with much of anything. ;-)

[Nikia]

74. The law generally doesn't favor drug addicts either

The important thing if he wants custody is for him to be sure that the children want to be with him. The children are old enough that if they want to live with him instead of their mother that they probably will, especially if they tell the judge how their mother's addiction affects them and that their mother steals their things to buy drugs.

[zanne]

58. She's a moron with a disease.

Addiction sucks. It turns people into monsters. But it is a disease. I've been there.

[Nay]

4. AFAIK, he can shake her legally by filing for divorce, and getting

an immediate accounting of all their belongings. Because of her addiction and the fact there are children involved, he can get a temporary restraining order so she cannot come near them. He can establish a bank account in his name only, into which his paycheck goes, so she can't write any more checks on a joint account.(If their joint account is in both names, he can withdraw nearly all the money so she can't steal it.) He can change the locks on all the doors and have the house wired for a burglar alarm as soon as he files for divorce, if his lawyer is decent. He should change his phone number (or get cell phones for him and the kids) so she cannot call. If they have joint credit cards, he needs to see a lawyer immediately about how to separate them so he will not be facing thousands of dollars she runs up. If he works in a fairly large building or office, he should notify security (and give them a picture of her) and tell them that she is harassing him, they are in the middle of a divorce, and that she is dangerous. She has "abandoned" them, and thus has no right to expect to just come home and do what she wants.

Having said that, if he is truly psychologically abused by her, it will be hard to get him to act on any of this. The best bet is to find a decent lawyer, and go with the guy and hold his hand. Tell him he has to do it for his kids. If he waits much longer, he and his kids will be robbed blind.

[babylonsister]

48. Thanks, Nay, he's working on it now, I think/hope. She's bad news. nt

[MrSlayer]

5. Why can't he kick her out?

I don't get that. What law says you have no choice but to live with a junkie everyone hates?

[sam sarrha]

16. the law of LOVE. stupid love, been there done that, lived with a junkie too..fot the kids

[MrSlayer]

22. Ok but the OP is saying there is a legal reason for it.

An actual law. And I can't figure out what it is. If the guy doesn't love her and the kids don't love her I don't see it as being a cause to put up with it.

[sam sarrha]

27. hard to say if that is legal, maybe if she stays out a couple of days and he changes the locks

and said she aboadoned him and the kids for drugs, and better if he had to miss work and that could be varified for the courts.

the guys dont have a chance if they get into the family services on the wrong end, they end up losing all rights, even constitutional rights, he has to be carful.. she needs to be the bad persone here and it has to be varified, keep a detailed diary, note witnesses and get varification of lost work, he needs to go to alanon and narconon to find out from other aboused spouces about how it works..search for meetings on the net.

and i was serious about gettig her busted if she has drugs in the home, it is child endangermant..

[windbreeze]

45. How about the mental angle?

could there be some legality there that holds him up because of that? I know I had an uncle...who's wife was mental..and he could not divorce her...but that was many years ago, and in another state...
wb

[babylonsister]

64. Legally he can't kick her out according to him. Whether

that's because she's the mother of the kids, or because she has no where else to go, I don't know. But I will find out. He said he has tried, changed the locks, called the cops, etc., but he cannot legally keep her out unless she gets violent. Don't know if this is a TX law, but that's where he's at.

[Coexist]

6. If she is violent, she can be Baker-acted (at least in Florida)

http://www.psychlaws.org/PressRoom/faqonbakeract.htm

[kiahzero]

7. He can file for divorce.

Texas family law provides for no-fault divorce. I'd advise him to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.

[acmejack]

8. No alimony in Texas, community property though.

At least legally separate and get a protective order. Addiction is a difficult demon to shake. A person can't get rid of it unless they truly want to & that usually requires bottoming out. The trick is surviving that process, it is especially hard on women, I know that sounds terribly sexist, but it is a regrettable statement of fact.

edit grammar

[jedr]

17. she will use up all the assets one way or an other;

At least a divorce will put her responsible for 50% of the debts. A lose -lose situation , no matter how you cut it.

[Ian David]

9. Steer clear of so-called "Father's Rights" groups. However, I did find this...

If you are being abused and need help right now, call 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754).

But I do not know how reputable they are.

See also:

Stop Abuse For Everyone (SAFE) is a human rights organization that provides services, publications, and training to serve those who typically fall between the cracks of domestic violence services: straight men, gays and lesbians, teens, and the elderly. We promote services for all victims and accountability for all perpetrators.
http://www.safe4all.org/

And they also link back to that first group.

Not sure how reputable either is.


And I cannot emphasize enough-- STEER CLEAR of so-called "Father's Rights" and "Dad's Rights" and "Men's Rights" groups-- they're all just fronts for the worst kinds of bigots.

[LoZoccolo]

35. Father's rights is the radical notion that fathers are parents. n/t

[Ian David]

54. That's what it SHOULD mean. But "Fathers Rights" groups believe differently.

They're just a front for bigoted anti-woman, anti-gay assholes like Brian Camenker, David Grossack, and Mad-Dad Parker.

[H2O Man]

55. Wrong.

Categoric statements about groups and individuals tend to run the risk of being bigoted. While I usually agree with your opinions, and assume that you have had some bad experience with some group or groups, the Father's Rights groups tend to be a progressive movement that recognize that men have both rights and responsibilities when it comes to their children.

[Ian David]

56. They are NOT progressive.

They're the groups that militia nuts join when they get divorced.

They tried to have a "Roe v Wade For Men" case to say they don't need to pay alamony, for example.

[H2O Man]

61. A very few may be.

But the majority are not. Again, categoric statements like that always expose a lack of insight.

[Ian David]

76. The majority are not progressive. But, I do have some good news to report.

In the interest of being helpful, intellectually honest, skeptical and thorough, I did manage to find at least one Father's Rights group that I think MIGHT be progressive.

Thank you for pushing me to seek information to disconfirm my own beliefs.


See:


Activist gaining ground on fathers' divorce rights

By Patricia Wen, Globe Staff | November 27, 2004

Ned Holstein remembers sitting in divorce court in Dedham more than a decade ago, a father of three still reeling from the breakup of his marriage. Holstein never expected his life to turn out this way, but there he was, a 50-year-old physician facing a court official who was questioning him about why he could not pay more to his former wife. Holstein remembers the man turning to him coldly and asking, ''And you do make a lot of money, don't you doctor?"

<snip>

Holstein said he works hard to defy what he sees as the stereotype that fathers' groups are motivated more by personal anger than a desire to see justice. Equipped with his background as a scientist, with degrees from Harvard College, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, he approaches his political lobbying with logic and reason.

''We try to come at it reasonably and quietly, rather than flamboyantly," said Holstein, 61, whose organization is based in an office suite in Park Plaza.

<snip>

Holstein said his extended family has a history of political activism, mostly on the side of progressive politics. A self-proclaimed liberal who protested against the Vietnam War in his college days, Holstein said he has found that progressive groups seem reluctant to embrace the fathers' rights movement. He believes this stems from the perception that people who press for fathers' rights are biased against women. Holstein said he works hard to defy the image that fathers' rights come at the expense of mothers' rights, and is wary of men who come off as too angry or vindictive. He says he receives phone calls from fathers who do not seem interested in the well-being of their children and instead want to vent their rage about their former wives. He does not welcome these people into his group.

''We have a style we've chosen -- based on informed activism," he said.

More:
http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2004/11/27/activist_gaining_ground_on_fathers_divorce_rights?mode=PF


Keep in mind that Ned Holstein is no longer in charge of this group. But, from what I see, it looks like they may actually be decent.

Also, it concerns me that this group is cited by various anti-gay publications and groups-- so they might not actually be progressive.

But again, at least I've looked.





See:
http://fathersandfamilies.org/site/advocacy.php?PHPSESSID=8fbb351d7e6dae0b13db011f1a5bf056

[LoZoccolo]

65. I believe that's child support, not alimony.

And they do have a point on that.

[zanne]

59. Yup.

I know a few of them personally. They don't spend any time with their kids when they can. They just like to bitch about women.

[smtpgirl]

10. Abuse goes both ways

He most certainly has rights, just like her. Hopefully he can get custody of the kids. Drug abuse SUCKS, have been in a relationship like that in the past.

My thoughts and prayers are with him.

Maybe an attorney that specializes in these kinds of situations. Also he should go to counseling to deal with this, maybe he can find some insight about how to devise a plan in order to leave, get her what she needs and safety for the kids.

[BlackVelvet04]

11. He can get either a legal separation or file for divorce....

I don't know if TX law allows for legal separation. He needs to take the children and leave. He owes it to them.

Where she goes, how she finds the resources to live is her problem. She has no reason to get real help if she is enabled to continue the way she is.

[kiahzero]

15. I just checked Westlaw. I don't think it does.

Limited divorces, "a mensa et thoro," or from bed and board, are unknown to Texas law. Tanton v. State Nat. Bank of El Paso (Sup. 1935) 125 Tex. 16, 79 S.W.2d 833. Divorce Key Number graphic 155

Under Texas law, divorce a mensa et thoro does not exist and a "divorce" is a complete severance, annulment, and final termination of marital relation and status, whether decree is for impediment rendering void the marriage or for causes arising subsequent to marriage, and neither former spouse is the husband or the wife of the other, and thenceforth they are strangers. Johnson v. Davis (Civ.App. 1946) 198 S.W.2d 129, ref. n.r.e.. Divorce Key Number graphic 314; Divorce Key Number graphic 316

a mensa et thoro (ay men-s<<schwa>> et thor-oh). (Latin "from board and hearth") (Of a divorce decree) effecting a separation of the parties rather than a dissolution of the marriage <a separation a mensa et thoro was the usual way for a couple to separate under English law up until 1857>. • Not all states provide for such a proceeding. See divorce a mensa et thoro under DIVORCE; SEPARATION; A VINCULO MATRIMONII.

Standard disclaimers: I'm not a lawyer. This isn't legal advice. Tell your friend to go see an attorney.

[babylonsister]

18. That's his/their house, and he can't afford to abandon it. That's

also the kids' shelter, school, friends, etc. Why should HE leave?

[TygrBright]

33. For the same reason abused women have to leave their husbands...

...I'm sorry. But the situation would be just the same if he was the wife, married to a husband who was using drugs and stealing and spending all their assets, etc. Her choice would be to get out, with the kids, get help from a shelter on finding temporary digs while she files for divorce, hopefully with the help of a decent lawyer, or, if she couldn't afford one, with a pro bono lawyer that the shelter helped her connect to.

There is no way to save the house, etc., AND resolve the situation, I'm so sorry. I've seen this many, many times. The choices are these:

#1. Get out, salvaging everything he can (i.e., get a bank account she doesn't have access to, dump all available cash into it, take the car and any portable assets, and establish himself and the kids elsewhere while filing for divorce, publishing a notice that he is not responsible for her debts, and getting a restraining order. If the house is in both their names at least she will not be able to sell that, even if she's left in temporary possession until the division of assets during the divorce. If she is still actively using, the likelihood that she will be able to get it together enough to fight the divorce and/or win custody, etc., is almost nil. If he has custody of the kids, he's not on the hood for child support payments, and I seriously doubt that a judge would award anything significant or long term in the way of alimony. It will be a long, painful, wrenching process with a major financial hit, but when it's over it's over, and he and the kids will be free to reconstruct new lives.

#2. Continue to muddle through with the status quo, getting worse and worse, assets being piddled away, debts mounting, etc., until finally she sobers up, someone kills someone, or he ends up opting for choice #1.

I'm sorry to sound hardassed about it, but like I said, I have seen this many, many, many times and those are the only options I know.

I'll hold your friend and his kids in the Light. It's a miserable, terrible situation for all concerned. He's lucky he's got a friend like you.

regretfully,
Bright

[babylonsister]

38. Thank you. I will share this with my friend. I want him to be

able to enjoy his kids without guilt.

[MamaBear]

46. Have he and the kids sought counseling yet?

If at all possible, he and the kids might want to seek family counseling. Living through series of violations of trust will leave wounds that will be easier to heal if they are dealt with sooner. I'm sure they're very deep already.

Because even when he manages to separate his wife from the home and the family, she will remain until they have dealt, or at least begun to deal, with their issues.

Peace and love to your friends. I will be hoping for the best for them.

[babylonsister]

50. Yes. And it always came back to my male friend who

was either at fault or an enabler, when he's been neither. The family has had counceling and the wife is the bad girl. She's had many chances, and has blown them all. What kind of mom steals from her kids for drugs?

[TygrBright]

67. What kind of mom?

>>What kind of mom steals from her kids for drugs?<<

An addict. A person with a terrible disease. A person who is resisting getting treatment. An addict who hasn't "bounced hard enough" yet to start taking recovery seriously. A person whose brain, decision-making apparatus, and priorities are in the control of the disease.

She may or may not be a terrible person without the disease. But as long as the disease is in charge, she has only one real choice: Start taking recovery seriously, or stay sick; and so far the disease is making the decision.

Please remember, and try to get your friend to remember, that regardless of all the terrible things the disease has done to them, somewhere in there is a sick person who needs to recover. And ONLY she can make that happen, not them, although they can help by taking care of themselves and getting themselves out of the mess she surrounds herself with.

If she does decide to take recovery seriously someday, that person might get a chance to emerge again and rebuild herself, and may very well be ready to forge different, adult, positive relationships with her kids who have by then moved on and built THEIR live without her disease, and things might get better THEN. But until then, any "relationships" they have are with the disease, not the person, and who needs that?

Another really, really good option for your friend and his kids would be to find a decent Al-Anon group nearby. It's a very good place to get some supportive encouragement for the kind of tough, unpleasant, hard work that is ahead of him now.

The very kindest thing they can do for this person they once loved and cared about is taking whatever actions to protect themselves that they can take, even if it contributes to the hardness of her "bounce." In fact, the harder, the better, because addicts never make the decision to take recovery seriously until they've bounced hard ENOUGH, and clearly she hasn't.

encouragingly,
Bright

[BlackVelvet04]

42. If he can't by law make her leave then him leaving is the only answer...

there aren't any other options, are there?

"IF you keep on doing what you always do, you keep on getting what you always get."

[B Calm]

12. He should freeze his bank accounts. Since he has no feelings

left for her, then he should file for divorce quickly as possible.

[Pugee]

13. The domestic violence shelter call is a good idea. (not for women only, as many people assume)

You don't have to live there to access services, which include counseling for him and/or kids, names and hook-ups with lawyers who deal with this stuff, and advice on resources in your area.

[sam sarrha]

14. he needs to consult with a lawyer, its free. then he needs to find here stash and call the cops and

get here arrested-possession, maybe sales and child endangerment if it is in the home, and put in jail for a couple of years hopefully where she can dry out. that will give him time to straighten up things and give him a sure win in divorce court. the divorce will be done when she gets out and he can put restrictions on her visitation, it will be observed in a county facility, she cant run off and sell them into slavery for a dime bag.

i was an abused husband, she stabbed me twice and bit a large chunk out of my shoulder and i almost lost my arm to gangreene... she ran off with our child and left him with heroin and crack addicts while she drove across the country to bring back large quantities of drugs from FL to CA. she got busted for 5 pounds of heroin and her father got her off with his old CIA contacts.. but her time in jail straightened her out, she is now living a good live and is a better person.

having her busted for her actions is a public service it isn't unethical, think of the kids

[flordehinojos]

19. what would he have if he does let go of her?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

20. If that isn't grounds for divorce, I don't know what is

:shrug:

Step 1: See a lawyer.

[leftofthedial]

21. D-I-V-O-R-C-E

end it.

[lonestarnot]

60. Yeah. What's so hard a bout that? Call a DR lawyer.

[Horse with no Name]

23. If she disappeared today

At exactly 24 hours, he should file a missing persons report. I would advise him to box up her stuff, put it in storage and change the locks. See an attorney immediately to file for divorce and custody of the kids stating that she abandoned the marriage. Next step would be a restraining order against her because of her negative influence on the children. I would also recommend that he remove her from joint accounts. He should also put a notice in the paper of record that he isn't responsible for her debts.
He CAN shake her legally. I have seen it done in the way I described.
The trick is that he HAS to do it all FAST.

[babylonsister]

24. Thanks, that sounds like sound advice, as does everyone

on this thread. I guess I'm too close, but I never considered a divorce would do it, and wonder why he didn't. I'm about to call him, I think.

[Horse with no Name]

26. It's a power play

if he is going to do it, he better be serious and better be quick. If he can't do it in that timeframe, then next time she goes to rehab would be a good time.
A friend of mine's husband did it to her and it was in Texas.
Once he filed for custody, the burden was on her to prove him unfit.
She couldn't.
She never got her kids back. He took the house and the cars too.
She ended up in the street without anything but her personal possessions.
Sad thing was, the girls were better off with him. It was difficult to watch because I liked her, but the girls best interest was served.

[babylonsister]

30. I just talked to my friend. He's convinced he needs to get out

and divorce is in the picture supposedly. I had mentioned a battered women's shelter, he told me he called Child Protective Services for advice.
We were talking, and the wife showed up. He claims he'll be over tomorrow to update us. We shall see.
But she's back, so I don't know how that will turn out.

[sandnsea]

32. IIRC

He gets an emergency temporary custody order first. He will probably need some supportive documentation, something from police reports preferably. Witnesses possibly too. Get a restraining order at the same time, and file for separation if he doesn't want to file for divorce. The key is making that the legal family home for the kids and proving that he is the primary caretaker. This is from an almost to the T case I helped with a long time ago, I'm pretty sure those were the key factors in the judge giving the father temporary custody. Child Protective Services is actually a crap shoot, you never know if you're going to get a caseworker who is predisposed to believing men always cause women's problems, or mothers should be given the 'keeping the family together' priority.

Our own lawyer advised us to let DFS handle it when my step-son's mother went into drug treatment for the 5th time or more, when he was 9 years old. He said for sure they would just transfer temporary custody. They didn't because they were in a different state and didn't want to disrupt the family bond. They continued to work with her for 5 more years before they finally agreed for us to take him, and by then the child was a total mess which is actually why I think they wanted him off their caseload. They didn't know what to do with either one of them. Anyway, do tell your friend to be careful of that, although I think they're a little better with fathers these days.

Good luck. Drugs really do destroy lives.

[Horse with no Name]

73. This must be what my friends husband did

She misunderstood but sounds very much like the procedure she went through.
I know the most important thing was getting the jump on the custody.
Thanks for adding this.

[kiahzero]

25. Abandonment in Texas takes a year. (n/t)

[Horse with no Name]

28. Hmmm maybe that isn't what he filed then

I can't be sure, that is just what she told me. An attorney would know.

[kiahzero]

29. Exactly.

As I said above, the guy should contact a lawyer experienced in family law ASAP.

[mike_c]

31. divorce her ASAP....

I don't know about TX, so maybe this isn't valid advice. My situation was similar, but with alcoholism and probably not quite as extreme as the one you've described. California has no fault divorce, so there was no real issue other than the living hell of going through it. Still, the sigh of relief at the end is worth all the pain and then some.

[LoZoccolo]

34. Could he call the cops on her for illegal possession of pain killers? n/t

[babylonsister]

37. No. She must have got them and left while he was at work. nt

[Cleita]

39. Battered men often have a harder time than battered women because

it's not expected that men could be in that position. So even if they overcome any embarrassment about the issue, most people would mock them.

I think calling the battered women's shelter is a good idea. They would at least be a place to start.

[babylonsister]

40. He's at his wit's end supposedly.

It's emotional battering because he can't dump her, and she needs to be dumped. He's tried like hell, as I have, and it hasn't worked.

[mentalsolstice]

41. Can he get a protection from abuse order?

If there is any way he can allege that she has abused him or the children he can file for a protection from abuse order (PFA). If granted, this will stop everything in its tracks, and a judge will sort out visitation, access to property, etc.. This is a good place to start, http://www.tcfv.org/legal/legal_options.html. He needs to call the nearest Legal Services agency or family violence center to see if he's eligible for a PFA. A caveat, because he's a man, he needs to be convincing, as these places are used to dealing with women. Going the "father's advocacy" group route, unfortunately, is a bad idea. Many of these groups are comprised of angry wife-beaters (but not all, so don't flame me).

[Floogeldy]

44. Does your friend actually call himself a "man" in public?

;)

[babylonsister]

47. I called him that, because that's what he is. He's

struggling. We all go through stuff, but this is severe.

[Floogeldy]

49. Good point.

;)

[1932]

52. He should probably get a divorce right away or he's going to be legally responsible

for her debts, like the hospital bills and if she does something like run up a credit card.

I don't know about bad checks -- that's a criminal offense and the rules might be different. Hopefully he won't be responsible for that.

[H2O Man]

53. There appears to be

at least one piece missing from your OP. The title refers to him as an "abused husband," and the last sentence notes you have suggested calling a battered women's shelter. The obvious question is: is he actually being physically abused? Or emotionally abused, above and beyond the unhappy things associated with life with an addict?

Also, the most obvious answer is being overlooked. One goes to an attorney for legal advice. Your friend needs to talk to at least one attorney, to find out what his options are. Neither health care professionals nor police are in a position to give him the advice he needs. Only an attorney is.

Dealing with the situation is stressful, especially where children are involved. There are programs for family members of addicts, including spouses and children. There are also mental health professionals who are very capable of providing support in these situations. A person need not be "sick" to benefit from talking with a professional. It is important for family members, as well.

[babylonsister]

66. This guy is broke, and much of that has to do with trying to

help his wife. He's being emotionally abused but she has no where to go, so I think he feels responsible for putting a roof over her head. He claims he consulted an attorney, but I think the legal fees are intimidating him.
They've gone to counselors (my friend and his son most recently) but he said he felt demeaned after seeing them, like it's his fault.
Last night he told me divorce is the route he'll be taking. I hope, for all their sakes.

[bleedingheart]

57. He does have a way out - Divorce

and I don't know many courts that will argue with him.

Hell I think he should be documenting this last bout of behavior, the bills she cost him ..etc

and then he has a much tighter case.

For his children's sake, he needs to get rid of her.

I would even move elsewhere to shake her off.


edit: I have an aunt that spent most of her life in a relationship with a man who beat her so badly she miscarried children, and at times her eyes were swollen so shut she couldn't see.....she stayed with him in spite of family who wanted her to get out. Hell her own brothers offered to take him hunting and then "disappear" the jerk...and all the while she protected him.

It is frustrating when victims of abuse paint themselve into corners.

[wildhorses]

62. no different really from an abused wife...

he needs to realize that everything that comes out of her mouth is a LIE!!!

"The problem is as a man and a husband, he's been told he has no recourse, cannot kick her out, unless she does something violent."

who told him this??? it is a LIE!!!

This will NOT be easy...i know I have lived through it (as an abused wife) BUT it can be done...

He needs to get the kids and LEAVE NOW!!

Close out ALL accounts and START OVER!!!

Good luck to him and the kids...

The house (if they own it needs to be put up for sale, he needs to file for divorce immediately and state in it the reasons why)

Her medical records are PROOF of what he and the kids have been subjected...

[Nikia]

69. As others have said he can leave

She is a proven drug addict. That will work in his favor of getting custody. His children are old enough that they should have some say in it also.
Another route is getting her arrested (for possession or stealing) or perhaps committed (for her addiction).

[Skittles]

70. tell him to talk to an attorney NOW

there are legal ways to get out of this mess and protect his children

[skygazer]

71. Okay, first of all, this isn't an abused husband

It's a guy whose wife is an addict and out of control. That doesn't equal abuse.

Of course he can shake her legally - he can divorce the wingnut. Tell him to engage a lawyer and get her out of his life. Living in fear of what "might" happen with the kids isn't doing anyone any favors. A lawyer will know better what his chances are of keeping the kids and what he has to do in order to accomplish it. Saying he can't afford a lawyer is silly, too -he can't afford to continue being married to this woman.

[Maddy McCall]

72. BEST RESPONSE of this thread.

:thumbsup:

[philosophie_en_rose]

75. Thank you!

There are battered men, but this is not domestic violence.