Are you OBLIGATED to exchange gifts with family?

[Wcross]

Here is the background. I am a single man who shops only when he has to. I do not enjoy shopping for myself let alone someone else. I have no creativity nor "thoughtfulness" when selecting a gift.
I have on numerous occasions brought up the subject and how I would like to discontinue participating. My sister in law got upset about it. I never said SHE had to stop. She can still exchange gifts with everyone else that wants to participate. I made it perfectly clear I did not want anything and would not be buying anyone any gifts.
The problem is these people will not let it go. We usually exchange gifts on thanksgiving. What should I say when I am empty handed this year? I do not want to continue wasting money on "gifts". We are all adults with good jobs and are able to buy anything we need.
What would you tell them tactfully, to explain that you will never again participate. I don't want to put a damper on their fun but I don't want to be part of it.

[yellowdogintexas]

1. not any more thank goodness. We used to exchange with

all family members, and it was getting ridiculous.. I tried to institute name drawing but two of the siblings went nutso (this is my husband's family by the way, my sisters and I quit exchanging years and years ago) so we did not do it.

well, one year my husband's sister threw out the idea of a charity donation from the family in lieu of gift exchange. For some reason they bought in to it so now we don't give gifts to anyone but the young children, outside our immediate households of course, and we give donations to Heifer INternational

there were many years when I told my husband that if he didn't know what to get his brothers, they were all getting Target gift cards. Did that several times. Another option is a gift card to a local restaurant, or other merchant that would be universally acceptable. One stop shopping, and you know they will like whatever they buy with it.

[Irishonly]

4. We don't either

and I am glad. We stopped buying gifts for the adults in my husband's family years ago and only bought for the kids. I am an only child and my parents are deceased. The kids are all older and we decided not to exchange gifts. We still follow an old German tradition of the pickle ornament and whoever finds it has a gift to charity made in their name. For some reason it's usually the Heifer Project or Habitat for Humanity.

Friends have been receiving homemade candy and bread for years. After I was diagnosed with cancer (7 year survivor) our priorities got straightened out quickly. I found that I enjoy the holidays so much more now. For my family, Christmas isn't about all of the gifts. Our faith aside, it's a time for family and friends.

[rug]

2. Hand out a blank, signed check. See if it's cashed.

[Callalily]

3. It's truly a shame that

gift giving has become such a chore. I stopped gift exchanging with my siblings several years ago. But then again, I haven't seen my sibling for several years, (btw we just drifted apart, no particular reason) so I guess my situation does not parallel yours.

Just a suggestion. Maybe you could sponsor a family with the Salvation Army or some other group you feel comfortable with in honor of your family members. No one can be upset about that. Good luck.

[zanne]

5. Give to a charity in their name.

That solves the problem for me.

[Gormy Cuss]

6. Haven't you already addressed the problem?

You wrote that you've told them during the year. Why would anyone be surprised if you show up empty handed? If they went ahead and selected gifts for you, it would be impolite to decline them (and that would most certainly dampen their fun if you rejected their gifts with even unwrapping them. )If the gifts are of no use to you, donate them to a charity.

That all are adults able to buy anything they need is irrelevant. Gift giving is about showing that you care for someone. There are other ways to show you care too and there's no reason for you as an adult to feel obligated to participate just because it makes others in your family happy. They're your family though, and you need to weigh the risk of hurt feelings against the inconvenience and expense of you buying gifts. The charity donations, if done with the person or family unit's interests in mind, is a good idea.

[riderinthestorm]

7. Donate to a charity or buy them all something like An Inconvenient Truth DVD

My sisters and adult in-laws are sensible and we all agreed to give up gift giving decades ago but my mother absolutely needs a gift. So she gets something that will either do good in the world (charity donation) or something that I feel good about. This year everyone's getting the Gore DVD (my mother, staff members and a few friends that I exchange gifts with). It's that important and needs distribution.

Good luck whichever way you choose. I know it's really hard trying to select gifts - it's just more stress in a very stressful season, I can totally relate to just saying no more.

[L A Woman]

8. my sister judges people on how much the gifts are worth...

and i would rather receive handmade gifts that cost next to nothing. i don't even know how to change it. i agree with the others, in your case. donate to a charity in her name....

[begin_within]

9. Leave before the gift-giving starts. Don't say anything. Let your sister-in-law explain it to them.

[pitohui]

10. i just get them a card

there is no point in endless debate, just get them a card and be done with it, don't put $$$ in the card, don't put gift cards in the card

just a nice card

your SIL sounds like a big baby, you are not obligated to give this spoiled brat a gift, but don't come empty-handed, bring cards, it's the thought that counts, right?

when you have already stated you don't want to exchange gifts and some jerk-off wants to force it anyway, don't keep fighting and stirring up dust

just give 'em a nice card

[Donnachaidh]

11. we stopped doing it when we started getting calls in October

from family we NEVER heard from during the rest of the year. And of course, the real topic of the call was what they wanted US to buy for their kids.

My kid's birthday is Christmas Eve. These same family members would try to send *combined* presents for him.

Of course *we* were expected to send gifts twice a year for their kids.

We didn't need these grasping, greedy people to ratchet up the stress of our Christmas. That's not the point of the season.

[skygazer]

12. Tell them that a gift is something given freely

Which is what it's supposed to be. It's not supposed to be something one feels obligated to buy. Just because someone buys you a gift does not mean you're obligated to buy them one. The only obligation you have is to thank them for it. That's it.

Anyone who takes offense at that has no idea what a "gift" really is.

One of the reasons I get depressed around Christmas is the whole stress and pressure of having to buy gifts at that time of year. It's silly to me. Why should I feel obligated to buy gifts for a holiday I have no vested interest in (not being a christian) at a time of year when the prices are inflated, the stores are overflowing and there's no parking to be found? I'm the type of person who, if I see something I think a friend or family member will like, I'll pick it up and give it to them. At any time of year. That's a gift.

[undeterred]

13. I can identify with you

The year I was unemployed and had no car - I called to tell my family that I could not afford to participate in gift exchange and renting a car, driving 150 miles. It was at that point that I realized how much I truly disliked the whole thing- shopping for 8-9 people who I hardly know, spending hundreds of dollars, receiving inappropriate gifts. Unfortunately people go wild if you try to change anything.

In some families you realize Christmas is about love. In my family of origin its about the gifts.

If I were you, just thank them for the gifts, but don't bring gifts if you don't want to. You've already explained yourself.

[IdaBriggs]

14. Please let me share my experience with you.

A little over twenty years ago, one of my sisters was married to An Idiot. There were six of us who had grown up together, and three of us were living on our own, with all of the "newly on your own" financial challenges that come with that. Anyway, it became the First Year we did "the Christmas Gift Draw" -- and frankly, it ruined Christmas for me.

You see, I was raised with the tradition of "feeling good because you are GIVING" -- and despite having "not much money" as a kid, I really enjoyed "giving" to my brothers and sisters. It was amazing how many presents you could buy on $15 (seven!). They were thoughtful gifts, debated mercilessly with myself for their "perfection" -- and I'm not going to claim they were "great" but they gave me a lot of joy. As my finances improved, my budget increased, and sometimes I spent nearly Five Whole Dollars on each person -- a veritable WEALTH OF MONEY (at least for me at the time!).

As I said, Christmas was about "giving" -- and I loved giving.

So, now the family was "drawing names" and who should I get but my sister's Idiot Husband. His Christmas "wish list" included (I kid you not) toilet paper and a purple garbage can (both of which I got for him). He was gone by the next Christmas (no loss!), and I vowed not to participate in such an event again, so when the other sibs started doing the "let's draw names" thing at Thanksgiving, I politely declined. One brother informed me that "money was tight" and I told him, "look, its not how much money you spend, its really THE THOUGHT that counts." (Silly me! I really believed that!) I gave him a gift suggestion -- a photograph of him and his new wife, with an added bonus of maybe putting it in a dollar store frame? (Double prints were all the rage at the time, and he'd been showing some off not long before.) Bastard gave me NOTHING for Christmas that year, and I was CRUSHED.

Nevertheless, being a firm believer in "its the thought that counts" and "better to give than receive" I spent the next twenty years buying gifts for all of my brothers and sisters as well as their children (now SEVEN SIBLINGS, plus spouses, and an eventual total of sixteen nieces and nephews). My husband (one unmarried brother) was frequently ready to strangle the shit out of me, but this was something that meant a lot to me, so he gave in. Money wasn't always readily available, so sometimes the gifts were "low budget" -- a trip to the used bookstore one year, homemade scarves another -- but I spent the time and energy trying to SHOW by Gift and Deed that these people meant something to me, and I loved them.

Finally, about three years ago, finances improved to the point where my husband didn't protest much when we went Christmas shopping. I unleashed my inner fantasy, and we spent a thousand dollars total on gifts for everyone. We got the "super cool things" (mostly games, to be fair!) that we thought would bring people joy, and it felt great! We spent hours wrapping everything, and I went a little nuts with ribbons and bows. It took two trips to the car to bring everything in, and I felt great watching the looks on people's faces as they opened everything up. (I was especially proud of the "Michigan State Monopoly Game" we gave to my eldest niece's long time boyfriend -- talk about a tough pill for my "Michigan University" graduating husband to swallow!)

Do you know what we (the two of us) left with? A Candle and A Puzzle. (My parents exchanged with us later.) That's right -- A Candle and A Puzzle.

My husband had officially had enough. The fact I didn't see anything wrong with this picture (wasn't it normal to be treated this way?) wasn't making things any better. He sat me down, asked me bluntly if I was trying to "buy" their love, and I was stunned. No, I wasn't! Well, then, did I just like being treated like shit? What part of me being so selfish did I not get?

Me, selfish? What?

I was making people uncomfortable. NOBODY (except the children) wanted the gifts, and they were making it perfectly clear. Plus, HELLO! They were treating me LIKE SHIT!!! A thousand dollars had been "wasted" on people who didn't appreciate either the time, the energy, or the money (and to be fair, my husband was mostly torqued about the money), and they were LAUGHING AT ME because they thought I was stupid! They weren't even bothering to teach their children to "exchange" gifts -- just "get" because that's the type of people they were. (We had been faithfully purchasing birthday/Christmas gifts for all of the nieces and nephews forever; now that some were getting older, there was a new movement afoot to "draw names" just when it was looking like we would be having some children of our own -- bad timing, eh?)

I tried to explain to my husband that it was THE THOUGHT that counted, and not the price tag. We were all well established, and we could pretty much go out and buy anything we wanted, but gift giving was about taking the time to think about what the other person wanted that they didn't even know they wanted, and that it was just Wrong to "give with the expectation of getting" because otherwise the thought wasn't "pure" but he shot me down.

"They aren't thinking of you," he said. "It just makes you a sap."

So, after twenty years of "not talking about it" I picked up the phone, and "confronted" my siblings about the issue. They were somewhat hostile, but I said my piece. The best line came from one of my sisters, and it stabbed me good and proper: "I already have to buy for 25 people," she explained. "I don't have the money to buy for you, too." (Please keep in mind that she has ONE child, her husband's parents are dead, and he has only one brother.) It hurt to find out that I didn't rank in her list of "top 25 people to think of at the holiday season," but hey, I guess it was time to learn the truth, eh? (For the record, I pointed out that she knew I was a book fiend, and I would not have taken a 25 cent paperback purchased at a garage sale as an insult, because I was talking about THE THOUGHT!!!)

For the last two years we have been on "the outs" with a good deal of my family, and so have avoided dealing with such things. What we did for the nieces and nephews was buy gift cards for a local movie theater, wrap them with some microwave popcorn, and some candy bars, and made sure they received them. (The gift card was for them to have fun with -- enough money on it for a movie plus treats -- while the candy and popcorn were for immediate gratification.) The kids seem happy, and we maintain our status as "favorite aunt and uncle" but let's face it, my husband and I are cool!

I don't know what we'll do this year. We still have to figure it out. I think we might handle each family "individually" with some gift exchange with some siblings, and some not. I think we will put a $2 spending limit on them, though, which could be a lot of fun! :)

So what is my advice to you? You said you hate shopping. Well, that is all about YOU, isn't it? If YOU need to concentrate on taking care of YOU, then do so. Just be aware that, at some level, you are insulting them, because the message you are sending is this:

"I really DON'T care."

The message finally got through to me, and it hurt a lot. If you don't mind whether or not they are in some emotional distress because they "feel for you more than you feel for them," go for it. If however, you actually give a shit about them, but really hate shopping, go buy some gift cards -- all you have to do is write their names on a fricking envelope, and you can do it all in one place. We're not talking brain surgery here, for heavens sake. Or if money is an issue, sit down and write them a letter sharing some positive memories.

Once a year, for no reason, for some of us anyway, its about taking the time to THINK about someone other than yourself. You can be "busy" all the rest of the year (and you are, aren't you?), but once a year, you take some time, think about someone else, wrap the thought in some pretty paper, and "show" them that you actually care. Spend a quarter on a gift from a gumball machine, if it helps to make a memory, or whatever, but quit pretending its all about the "gift" and not about "the thought" -- and quit using "I don't like shopping" as an excuse for thoughtless behavior. Pull out the photos, make a small collage, and put it in a dollar store frame.

Its really not about the gift. Its the fricking THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

(At least for me; you get to figure it out for yourself!)

Good luck! Best, Ida

[arfness]

15. Right on Ida

Amen Ida.

You expressed my feelings on the subject so well I'm printing your post and sending it to my relatives.

I also was taught that it's the thought that counts and its all about the "giving".
As a child, I bought or made gifts for all my relatives including great-great aunts.
My family put together food and toy boxes for the underpriviledged as well. I grew up thinking that it was fun to give. I really looked forward to picking something very elegant for my glamorous godmother and something very practical for my engineer uncle. It wasn't easy on a 2-3 dollar per person budget--but I did it! One of my biggest ambitions as a child was to have enough money when I grew up so I could get everyone in town huge gift boxes from Harry and David.

My mother is very firm in the idea that Christmas was a Christian holiday and it was the obligation of Christians to look out for their neighbors. She spends a lot of time on Christmas and the rest of the year stuffing $20 and $50 bills in plain envelopes to give people the money they need anonymously. My mother doesn't need to "see the look on their greatful faces" to feel good either. She sees giving as her Christian duty period. The remarkable thing is that my mother can give everyone in the family a thoughtful gift and still dole out a lot of cash--and she really doesn't have that much money. It just seems to work out for her.

My grandmother was a poor Episcopal minister's wife who had many wealthy friends. She would wait for her rich friends gifts to arrive so she could "re-gift" them to her less fortunate family and friends. My grandfather would go into the community to assess the needs of the poor and would distribute his available cash accordingly.

We had several relatives who would send us "boxes of contents". It seems that they would just shove all the useless stuff they had acquired over the year into a box and send it as a Christmas present. My brother and I would entertain ourselves marveling at the sheer numbers of plastic rain bonnets and advertising pens a person could accumulate in a year.

My mother says that giving is about sacrifice. She will not order prime rib in a restaurant saying you could feed a family on what it costs. She gives up "treats" for herself in order to give to others.

I'd really like to be that way.

[riderinthestorm]

16. This is a beautiful, thoughtful post

But let me share my experience:

I purchase approximately 50 gifts for clients, 14 gifts for my staff (yes they get cash bonus' but I also give them each a small gift), plus the gifts for my own family, mother, friends, the cleaning lady, mailman and a couple of neighbors. On an average holiday I am buying maybe 100 gifts.

This has to be done around my usual activities. But my usual activities are interrupted by the school holiday programs, picking up the daughter's horse at college to get it home for the holidays (a 2 day adventure to get it home, another 2 days to get it back), several holiday parties that I must attend, plus the party I have to host and put on for my staff. I have to cook a T-day dinner, an X-mas eve dinner, an X-mas day dinner, as well as "decorate" etc. etc. Not only that but doing all of this with the hordes of people is really draining.

As for "making it myself", just the thought of "getting out the pictures, making a collage and (shopping for and purchasing) putting it into a dollar frame is more time consuming than I can imagine.

The whole holiday is fraught with emotional peril too. My mother is just like you. In fact, I would bet she just wrote your lovely post. And she will be disappointed at the $25 home-made candle that I agonized over at the elegant shop that I went to especially to select her gift.

I don't know what the solution is. I really feel for you. You are putting in a LOT of effort. I wish I could solve this holiday conundrum but I can see the OP's point sometimes - the family getting together should be what it's really all about. And if you are religious it should be about Jesus and your worship of him and his message.

:hi:

[dropkickpa]

17. No, but I do enjoy it

I have 5 brothers, plus the three younger generation, and no one in my family earns a whole lot of money. We decided a couple years ago that the siblings would have just one adult to buy for (we still go crazy for the kids, mostly because buying toys is fun!!), with a $40 tops limit. We've really enjoyed it, and had some really good sucess. Of course, we all get along great and actually like each other, which makes it easier.

[Kerrytravelers]

18. How do you feel about charitable donations in their names?

Personally, this sounds like a great idea, and there are so many worthy causes.

[Wcross]

19. Thanks for the reply's! Sorry for not responding sooner.

About 15 minutes after posting I had some serious computer issues that I have just now resolved.
I enjoy seeing family during the holiday's. I figure the fact I am willing to drive 1600 miles round trip and board my six dogs at the kennel for 5 or 6 days should show I care about them. If it were people I didn't care for I wouldn't leave the house.

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. Buy a llama or sheep from Heifer Project International in their name

http://www.heifer.org/

Or whatever you can afford.

[philosophie_en_rose]

21. I'm not obligated to exchange gifts, but am obligated to give a damn.

The adults in our family decided to not give gifts to each other. We all have what we need.

However, I think you're sending a message to your sister by just refusing to participate in gift giving. You are not obligated to exchange gifts, but there could be other ways to show some thought about your family.

[AngryAmish]

22. The only OBLIGATION is to send me a gift.