Can I just ramble some thoughts for a bit ?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

I can not believe that this year is almost over. I started this year stressed out in deep depression unhappy in a relationship ... I am ending totally different. I have finally learned that its ok to be alone that I don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. I have to make myself happy first because when that other person leaves me, I will always have myself and my own life.

My family life has always been weird. I never felt like I was a part of the family. Lately I have been in my own world in my room just doing my own thing.That's the only place where I feel I can be in peace. They don't see the good that I do - I am always in my room writing my music or designing my t-shirts that I plan on getting mass produced some way some how. I have my idea book that I write all of my plans in everything from my music , web design and t-shirt designs . But it still seems that all they see is me not being black enough. I don't know what being black or white is - I have been CarolinaPeridot all my life and that's the only person that I can be. I still live at home - something that is changing soon ... I am moving out. Filling out applications as we speak. I hope to be in my own place within the next month ...

I keep a lot to myself. Its so hard not having someone at home to tell my thoughts to or what I am going through. I do have friends and they listen but I have always been about wanting my family to care. Its ok to have a blog to write my thoughts on for others in the internet world to read but I would give so much to have my family actually understand me. But like they say sometimes your friends are your family - and those are the people who are at my job. I actually feel at more ease at work than I do at home. I have overcome so much and I don't think they realize how much I fight everyday not to go back into depression. I was on Paxil for about 4 months but I went off of it. My mom would make comments whenever I got mad about something saying that I should take my medicine. Sometimes things do piss you off - medicine or no medicine I am going to have emotions. I swear I was adopted ... but I do love my family. No matter if they do think I am not black enough - weird or just preppy. We are having Thanksgiving Dinner at my grandmother's house this year as always. And this will be my cousin's (he is my cousin's son) first Thanksgiving. BabyCousinCarolinaPeridot is 4 months old now and he does not miss a beat LOL - I love playing with him.

I am into the fifth week of working in my new department. I am trying to retain as much information as possible but I am a perfectionist and this is a higher grade level - I don't want my manager to regret hiring me. But so far so good :) I was so proud of myself for getting this job. I came into this company two years as a temp worker - meaning I could be laid off at any time. I remember applying at every job before this place and getting every excuse in the book as to why I was not accepted. My place of employment has been a blessing to me and I am serious - there is no telling where I could be if I did not have my job. I just want to learn more and more and take it higher. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell the 24 year old temp that I was at the time walking in the doors two years ago that "you have no idea what you have in store for you ... " I have grown up so much . I am so thankful for everything ... honestly. I remember back when I was 19 years old that I did not think that I would make it to the age of 21 and now I am 26 - go me. I tell people this all the time "hold on". Through time things get better you have to believe it.

As far as love goes - it will happen when I least expect it. I have a craving for some chocolate chip cookies. I just needed to ramble a bit thank you for reading if you did :)

[Nikia]

1. I'm glad that some things are going better for you

Regardless of what your family says, be proud of being your own person. I know that dealing with family can be difficult and a complex issue, though. Now, go ahead and eat some chocolate chip cookies.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

3. Thank you :)

The cookies were good :)

[Haole Girl]

2. I enjoyed your post...and I'm so glad you also...

...tell other people to "hold on". And, life does often give us our happiest times when we least expect it might!

I wish you all the luck reaching an understanding with your family.

And, I'm so happy for you that your job is going well!

Enjoy your Thanksgiving! :hi:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

4. Thank you :)

I can't wait to grub :)

[Robeson]

5. I enjoyed your "ramble". In fact, it was inspirational....

...and by-the-way, is there a site where we can see those t-shirts and maybe buy some?...:thumbsup:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

6. Right now they are only in design form.

Meaning on paper beside my bed in my notebook which I take everywhere. I don't want to put up a site until I have something for people to buy. I love t-shirts and I know t-shirts never go out of style so that's why I got interested.

[Robeson]

7. I know. I think 90% of my wardrobe is made up of t-shirts....

...I luv 'em. Be sure and let us know when you start marketing them.

[bridgit]

8. spot-on the nail head CP, 'forward' is what i pray for on balance...

lord grant me perseverance, get me into tomorrow and i will find a way :hug:

[Porcupine]

9. Admit that you are an alien and move on.....

Scotty isn't ever going to beam you or me or Hypnotoad up so we are just going to have to deal. Just don't expect to "grow up" anytime soon.

Sounds like you are doing a good job of it.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

10. I am an alien.

I have admitted several times. I even went to the local Wal-mart and screamed it over the loudspeaker. Nobody cared to call the authorities so I am just here. And I have small ears, so either I am part Elven or part Alien

[cwydro]

11. It's funny the difference that a year can make -

I too went through a rough year and things are so much better now. Something for us to remember for all the other dark days that will inevitably come. Glad things are looking up for you:hi:

[mzteris]

12. thanks for posting -

it helps to hear that you can get through it. I'm almost twice your age and over the years I've had some bad stretches. I'm trying to climb out of one now. So reading this helps give me hope.

Too bad about your family, though. I know what you mean. I've always been kind of an outsider with my family. I don't even have much contact with my brother and sister anymore. I used to worry about it a lot, but my kids are my life now so "those other people" pale in comparison.

If you don't mind my asking, what do you mean your family doesn't think you're "black enough". What the heck does that MEAN? My youngest son (8) is adopted African American. I'm always trying to make sure he's comfortable with WHO he is and trying to head off feelings of not belonging.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

14. They think that I act white ...

and they come up with excuses like I don't listen to hip hop a lot because I am more of a person who listens to pop music from the 80's and 80's R&B Music. I don't like much of the mess that is out there now because its ignorant to me . There are white people who listen to hip hop so that argument is wasted for them .

Or they will bring up the fact that I used to watch CSpan all the time when I came back home from Germany - I had a big interest in the Presidential Election of 2004. I went to Germany - I went there to learn - not many people get the opportunity to travel and live in Germany like I did non military.

The way I dress - I am just being me and I am not sorry that its not accepted. I stand out and whether they know it or not - people like me . I am not Baptist like my family. Although I went to church when I was little I never fully became a member - I just don't feel it. And I don't think its wrong for other people who follow that religion - I have always been a person who believes only a higher power - heck its to complicated I just follow my heart and try to do good everyday.

I don't know what being black or white is . All I can know is what being CarolinaPeridot is and I will be me until the day I die.

I know more about Black History than they do - not only that but all of history because those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it ... I am just not stupid and it makes them sick. And I refuse to dumb myself down for anyone so that I can fit in .And whether they know it or not I think my black ancestors would be proud of me that I am educated and I know what I want in this world. I am a unique person and I like me - and thats all that matters.

[otherlander]

13. Good for you. That's really inspirational.

Lately I've been thinking that if I searched the world I couldn't find one person over the age of 12 who wasn't playing some sort of mind games. And I don't exclude myself from that judgement.