Can I have some advice? My SO is struggling in school

[WindRavenX]

:(

He's only taking two classes in a community college and is failing both because he has zero motivation. I'm not angry or sad or anything, and I would never leave him for anything, but gosh, this sure does make me feel disapointed. He didn't tell me for a few weeks because he was so ashamed :(

I feel so bad. He's so smart and I want him to do well :cry:

[pitohui]

1. he's so smart he can't pass 2 classes in community college?

since you'll put up with anything and he is not self-motivated, then why should anything change? he quite obviously either isn't really smart or else he doesn't want to be arsed to exert himself when you'll put up with his loser-hood anyway

jeez, that's harsh

let me try again

dump him, enabling him is going to allow him to miss his whole life, and for some reason some people have to lose everything precious to them before they get off their lazy ass -- that IS what being unmotivated means, that he's lazy

there are men out there who will try, instead of being "unmotivated" and then lying to you for weeks

get one of them, you deserve better

[WindRavenX]

4. Actually, he's brilliant

Most intelligent people struggle greatly with learning issues or motivational problems from depression, which he has.That's why I'm asking for advice-- he has the intelligence, but he is struggling with the acts of going to class and being motivated. This has nothing to do with smarts.

Please do not call him a loser, thanks.

[trof]

17. What's he depressed about?

[WindRavenX]

19. dunno, he's medicated for clinical depression

He's the youngest...

[pitohui]

20. she doesn't really believe that

if she really thought he suffered from depression (which actually it's very likely that he does) she would know the answer to her question -- get him in treatment and get him on drugs to treat amotivation


if she thought depression was "real" she'd go to a doctor, just as she would if he had cancer, not to an internet forum

right now, her actions are enabling him to fail and are hurting him , the sooner she knocks it off the better really

[WindRavenX]

23. WTF?

How dare you accuse me of enabling his failure-- he's already medicated and being treated for depression.

What he needs help on is motivation, which is what I'm asking help.

WTF is wrong with you?

[Name removed]

29. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Kerrytravelers]

28. I'm going to say something that I don't believe I've ever said on DU before.

Your posts are rude, cruel and completely out of line.

Perhaps you should find your way off of this thread. It's clear you're here to antagonize and not be helpful.

Your posts are very mean and they reflect poorly on you.



Edited for spelling error.

[Name removed]

31. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[WindRavenX]

32. I'm ALSO diagnosed with depression

So I know EXACTLY why I cannot help him with this issue. I am asking for help so that he can help HIMSELF.

So yeah, I DO know something about depression.

[pitohui]

35. then please talk to your doctor

and also i would ask you to meditate on this, and ask yourself, when you did not yet have medications that worked, when you were completely flattened and unable to get moving in the morning because of this disease...did the "concern" of loved ones help or was it an additional burden?

[WindRavenX]

37. his concern is what helped me get through my darkest periods

So again, you are showing you know jack shit about this issue.

Please do not post in this thread any longer.

[Kerrytravelers]

36. Actually, you have no idea what my experiences are with Depression.

So, quite frankly, you may want to watch making accusations.

Again, your posts are continuing to be rude, condescending and accusatory. I have no idea why you're still here. Leave the OP alone as she clearly doesn't want any additional input from you.

[Quantess]

51. I think you're being really presumptuous, and a know-it-all.

I think you are way out of line.

[ghostsofgiants]

34. You know what, I wholeheartedly agree.

[Kerrytravelers]

38. I've never seen anything like this before.

:wow: It completely boggles the mind.

[WindRavenX]

40. for real

DUers have provided me some excellent bits of wisdom on how to deal with these very issues; it is the different backgrounds, experiences, and histories of each DUer that makes their imput so valuble.

Many here have not gone to college and are successful. I wanted to hear that.
Many here have no gone to college until later in life. I wanted to hear that.

I didn't want to be accused that I was "enabling" his failure :eyes:

[Kerrytravelers]

24. I work in education. If you'd like to PM me, I'd be happy to help you sort things out!

:hug:

[Kerrytravelers]

22. Wow. This was kind of mean.

There are all kinds of reasons that people have trouble in school. The fact that he was too embarrassed to tell shows me that he cares, he just needs something that even he can't define right now.

[WindRavenX]

25. no shit

Look upthread-- she just accused me of not caring for him AND enabling his failure.

Wow. Fucking sick.

[Kerrytravelers]

30. Completely uncalled for.

As I said earlier, I'd be happy to help you if you'd like to PM. I'd hate to see further slams against you on a public board.

I'm so sorry some people are cruel. :hug:

[WindRavenX]

33. I PM'd you

God, who knew this thread could turn so ugly over asking for help with people's experience with school issues :eyes:

[Kerrytravelers]

54. Read it and responded!

And I was very happy to do so!

:hug: :pals:

[pitohui]

41. it is not a slam nor is it cruel

but this person seems to have a problem and wanting to control how someone else performs in school is, you know, a problem, because you can't

enabling is wrong when anyone participates in it, and i don't aim that statement at the OP, there are plenty of enablers on this forum and others who think it more important to look "good" than it is to speak truth

clinical depression and the lack of motivation that is one of the primary symptoms will not be cured by an interfering SO posting about a loved one's failure on a public bulletin boards

it IS a medical matter and should be handled as such (by doctors, with respect of the person's privacy, and so on)

[WindRavenX]

42. where on earth are you getting I want to "control" him?

Seriously, you sound delusional.


And I believed I requested you to leave this thread.

[Kerrytravelers]

46. Perhaps a bit of "projection?"

Perhaps we should play dime-store psychologist, just as he is doing to you.

[Kerrytravelers]

45. Oh, I'm sorry, you seem to misunderstand.

I really have no interest in anything you think or have to say. At this point, you've shown exactly kind of unkind person you are. There was no need to be so condescending, as if you are the only one with all the answers.

And, since you are so hell bent on criticizing the OP, and have taken it upon yourself to call her an "enabler," and how wrong it is to discuss this on a public forum, I'd like to suggest that you are basically diagnosing the OP as an "enabler" on a public forum, thereby taking part in something you disagree with. Perhaps you should find your way out.

[Writer]

43. Looks like you found an opportunity to feed off of someone else's discontent.

Satisfied?

[Akoto]

2. May be a stupid question, but ...

Is there a reason that he has zero motivation?

If he's having difficulties getting revved up, maybe he should examine what he's studying and decide whether it's really what he wants to do.

[WindRavenX]

6. precisely what I suggested

Many people who are either depressed or confused about career goals/interests often stuggle to stay motivated; I have been lucky that I've always known what I want to do :)

[Nikia]

3. Is this his first semester (trimester, quarter, term, or etc.)?

Or has he been taking classes for a while?

[WindRavenX]

5. First semester and he took a year off from HS

Freshman struggles, it appears.

[trof]

8. How old is he?

[WindRavenX]

9. 19 NT

[trof]

15. Oh......

That could explain a lot.
Let me see what your answers to my questions below.

[Omphaloskepsis]

53. Has he ever had a shitty job?

I dropped out of school. Went to work in a warehouse for forty hours per week. Then I went back to school. Perhaps he needs some perspective.

[Lyric]

7. My sweetie is in college right now too

although at a big University, not a community college. Is your SO a non-traditional student (as in, older than most college students). My partner started college at the age of 39, and let me tell you--juggling four class plus a full-time job and a family is TOUGH.

Maybe your SO is depressed? That can definitely kill motivation. Has he/she seen a psych yet?

[WindRavenX]

10. Yeah, he's a non-traditional student

And yes, he's medicated for depression, but I am insisting he talks to a pysch soon-- it's clearly not enough :(

:hug: and congrats to your sweetie-- that must be exciting :)

[Lyric]

21. Sounds like what happens to many gifted people

I've been there--I know how difficult it can be. To me, it sounds like he needs something to inspire him--something to make the drudgery and the "busywork" seem worthwhile.

I know this is a strange thing to say, but--has he considered tutoring underprivileged and/or struggling kids? You'd be amazed what that sort of thing does for your motivation. It gives you something to value yourself for, something to help him feel needed and important on a different level than the romantic.

It sure helped me, anyway. :)

[WindRavenX]

27. EXCELLENT advice

Yes, I think the "busy" work is what is killing him-- he's shown me his assignments and they are WAY too simple for him.

He loves working with animals-- maybe that would help?

Thanks for your words :hug:

[Lyric]

47. I'm sure it would.

The two things that we gifted folks absolutely NEED in order to live up to our potential are

(1) Validation of our worth BEYOND the realm of the purely academic. We already know that we're smart--we need to figure out how else we fit into the world around us. It's important that we feel needed and worthy for something other than our intelligence.

(2) Challenges--REAL ones, not drudgework. Preferably with some "purpose" behind them--not just challenge for challenge's sake, because that gets boring. Gifted people do not learn like normal people--honestly, being "gifted" is similar to being Autistic in a lot of ways. I have heard theories and speculations that very high intelligence IS a form of Autism, albeit a highly-functioning one. It's no coincidence that Autistic people tend to be highly talented, or even genius, in some ways. Their brains do not process information "normally" (and I use that word distastefully, because I don't believe in "normalcy") because they are wired differently--something that is also true for gifted people.

[WindRavenX]

48. Validation + Challenger

He is rarely validated by his parents-- I'm pretty much the only one, he says, that makes him feel smart and loved.

And I KNOW he isn't challenged much, intellectually.

Thank you for these valuble points. :hug:

[Nikia]

11. What is his motivation in going to community college to begin with?

Is this something he wants to do or is something that someone strongly suggested (or even forced) him to do?

[WindRavenX]

14. He wants to do it, but he has no clue as to what he wants to do as a career

I think people around him, myself included, have suggested he take classes to see what interests him and then really focus on that interest-- the problem is, he hasn't found anything to interest him.

Has anyone encountered this problem? It seems fairly common, as my sister is going through the same thing. As his sweetie, I don't know what I can do to help, you know?

[pitohui]

26. yeah people who are not interested in anything have a disease

the disease is called depression, it is not treatable by concerned girlfriends or posters on the internet

he needs to take this to the doctor and explain his meds ain't doing the job

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. That sounds like one of two things:

1) Depression, in which case he should get himself to the college counseling and/or medical service

OR

2) Fear of success. Is there some reason he doesn't want to succeed, such as his family will tell him he's getting too full of himself, or fear that even more will be expected of him?

[WindRavenX]

16. regarding #2...

...I suspect there is some fear of failure because of my success-- I go to a top tier college and am a biology/english double major. My sister had a lack of motivation because she often felt she couldn't top me :(

And the depression issue is being looked into--he's medicated, but I think he needs to go to therapy.

[trof]

13. OK, some more questions:

Because I've 'been there, done that', but at a much younger age than now.
1. What is he taking?
2. Why? Career advancement?
3. Is he working a full time job too? If so, what?
4. Has he ever done well in school?

[WindRavenX]

18. answers:

1)Taking a history and english class
2) Trying to figure out what intrests him
3)He's worked full time for a year, and is currently working almost part-time
4)He did well in HS before depression...but he has never been an honor-roll type student. But certainly he never was one to fail classes before he was depressed.

[trof]

49. OK, I'm not a clinical psychologist, but...

I did spend the night in a Holiday Inn.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
:spank:

When I was 19 and NOT depressed, I didn't have a bleeding CLUE about what my life's work would be.
At the time, it was mainly to get drunk and get laid as much as possible. And make enough money to satisfy those 'needs'.

Unless you're a VERY mature and focused (even obsessed) 19 year old I don't think you're supposed to have it all figured out yet.
I didn't decide until I was in my mid-to-late 20s.
And even then, circumstances kind of decided it for me.

I have a fairly high IQ, whatever THAT means, and I flunked out of college TWICE.
I don't think I was depressed, but that wasn't an option that occurred to us back then.

Not to denigrate the diagnosis. I have a couple of friends who have it, and I know how paralyzing it can be. As one said, "I am wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, I have a terrific, loving family, and, except for this depression, I'm as healthy as a horse. WHY do I feel this way?"

I guess modern medicine points to a chemical imbalance in the brain.
Don't want to get your thread locked for 'medical advice', but maybe the meds aren't the right ones.
Talk to your (his) physician.
A doctor friend of mine has told me that there is a wide variety of anti-depressants available. It ain't a one-size-fits-all pharmaceutical.

If the one you're on doesn't do the job, try another.
My late mother-in-law is a good case in point.
Clinical depression and her med seemed not to be helping.
Changed meds and she was a changed woman.
Good luck.
Hope this has been a little help.

[WindRavenX]

50. thanks, friend

:hug:

You have given me lots of things to think about.

[Nikia]

39. Maybe, he would be better off temping

If the job market is not too bad where he lives or volunteering in order to get a better idea of what he is interested in or would want as a career. He might be more of a hands on person.
One thing that he has to learn though is that sometimes you have to do things that are not interesting to you in order to get ahead or even keep your job. That is the way of the world.
Unless you plan on doing all the boring things for him like cleaning the house, writing checks for the bills, and other things, he needs to realize this is part of being a responsible adult at home too.
I hope that he gets better help if his depression is keeping him down.

[WindRavenX]

44. thank you for your wise words

When we move in together this upcomming summer, I feel like he will have a lot of time to "find" himslf and find something he takes joy in. He's doing a full-time seasonal job at Target, which he doesn't like much, but he's sticking with it because he has bills and we're trying to save money for the big move :D

Thank you for your kind words :hug:

[WindRavenX]

52. thanks to the DUers who have positively contributed

It means a lot to me :hi:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

55. Why no motivation?

:shrug:

Seems like clinical depression. I think treatment is in order. I agree with pitohui, though not his/her manner of delivery.

[WindRavenX]

56. yeah he's getting that looked at.

He may need to change meds...

[skygazer]

57. Well, being 19 and unsure of what he wants to do would certainly contribute

Who's paying for his schooling? For me, my biggest motivation to succeed in school was the fact that I was the one paying for it.

As for the depression, yes it does fuck with motivation but it doesn't have to. It's not all about meds, though I hesitate to contradict other posters who seem to know everything there is to know about it (shall I insert the obligatory :sarcasm: smiley here?).

People who suffer from depression (and yes, I do and have all my long life) have an inability to process emotions like so-called "normal" people. Not just violent emotions like love and hate and fear but ordinary emotions like stress and happiness and the like. They don't have the coping mechanisms and one way to deal with that is to find their own coping mechanisms, things that work for them.

One of those things can be structure. Lack of structure can cause stress, which can cause anxiety, which can cause overload which shuts down motivation nicely. I would suggest that your SO try putting some real structure into his school work - trying to set timetables and stick with them. Such as doing homework at a specific time for a specific time period. Eating at the same time, going to bed at the same time, scheduling his life. That eases stress amazingly because you always know what you're doing at a given time. It doesn't have to be ridiculously strict but enough so he is on somewhat of a schedule and you can actually offer some help by encouraging him to follow it.

Just a suggestion. That's one thing that I find works very well for me. There are other things I use to deal with other situations. And yes, you can help because encouragement and insights are NOT methods of enabling. Sheesh.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

58. Locking

This has become a flame war.

CaliforniaPeggy
DU Moderator