"Who's on FEMA?" Abbott & Costello Rebuild New Orleans (funny)

[A HERETIC I AM]

I thought this was pretty funny. I hope you folks do too.

Excerpted from this website; http://www.theind.com/feature2.asp?CID=1296647250

Abbott and Costello Rebuild New Orleans
A legendary comedy skit reimagined post-Katrina
By Michael Tisserand | 8/23/2006
Printer Friendly Version Send a Letter to the Editor




ABBOTT: Well, now, I’m going off to New Orleans with a job to do. I’m going to manage the rebuilding of the city!

COSTELLO: Look, if you’re going to save the city, you must know all the agencies involved.

ABBOTT: I certainly do.

COSTELLO: Well, you know, I’m not so sure I know all these organizations. So you’ll have to tell me their names.

ABBOTT: Oh, I’ll tell you all about them. But you know, it seems to me they give these agencies very peculiar names nowadays.

COSTELLO: You mean funny names?

ABBOTT: Strange names. Like Homeland Security.

COSTELLO: Or Emergency Management?

ABBOTT: Right. Now, as for the names involved, Who’s on FEMA, What’s with DHS, I Don’t Know is with the Army Corps of Engineers.

COSTELLO: That’s what I want to find out.

ABBOTT: I say, Who’s on FEMA, What’s with DHS, I Don’t Know’s with the Army Corps.

COSTELLO: Look, are you going to New Orleans or not?

ABBOTT: Yes, I am.

COSTELLO: You gonna save the city?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: And you don’t know who’s running the agencies?

ABBOTT: Well, I should.

COSTELLO: That’s right. Now, who’s on FEMA?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: I mean the fellow’s name.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The guy at FEMA.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The guy calling the shots!

ABBOTT: Who’s on FEMA!

COSTELLO: I’m asking you who’s on FEMA!

ABBOTT: That’s the guy’s name.

COSTELLO: That’s whose name?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Then go ahead and tell me.

ABBOTT: That’s it.

COSTELLO: That’s who?

ABBOTT: Yes. (Pause)

COSTELLO: Look, you got a guy who’s in charge of things when there’s a hurricane?

ABBOTT: Certainly.

COSTELLO: And let’s say CNN wants to interview the guy. Who goes in front of the camera?

ABBOTT: And he does a fine job.

COSTELLO: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name at FEMA!

ABBOTT: Who!

COSTELLO: The guy that gets ...

ABBOTT: That’s it.

COSTELLO: That gets to go on TV.

ABBOTT: He does it every single time. He’s very careful about these things.

COSTELLO: Who is.

ABBOTT: Yes. (Pause.)

COSTELLO: Look, I wanna know, when Anderson Cooper says he’s going to interview the head of FEMA, how does he introduce his next guest?

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: The guy.

ABBOTT: Who.

COSTELLO: How does he say ...

ABBOTT: That’s how he says it.

COSTELLO: Who?

ABBOTT: Yes. (Pause.)

COSTELLO: Look, all I’m trying to do is find out what’s the guy’s name over at FEMA.

ABBOTT: No, What’s at the Department of Homeland Security.

COSTELLO: I’m not asking you who’s at DHS!

ABBOTT: Who’s on FEMA!

COSTELLO: One agency at a time!

ABBOTT: Well, don’t get them all mixed up.

COSTELLO: I’m not mixing nobody!

ABBOTT: Take it easy, buddy.

COSTELLO: I’m only asking you, Who’s the guy at FEMA?

ABBOTT: That’s right.

COSTELLO: OK.

ABBOTT: Alright. (PAUSE.)

COSTELLO: So, what’s the guy’s name at FEMA?

ABBOTT: No. What is at DHS.

COSTELLO: I’m not asking you who’s at DHS.

ABBOTT: Who’s on FEMA.

COSTELLO: I don’t know.

ABBOTT: He’s the head of the Army Corps of Engineers.

COSTELLO: Now, how did we start with the Army Corps?

ABBOTT: You mentioned his name.

COSTELLO: If I mentioned the head of the Army Corps, who did I say was in charge over there?

ABBOTT: No, Who’s with FEMA.

COSTELLO: What’s with FEMA?

ABBOTT: No, What’s at the DHS.

COSTELLO: I Don’t Know.

ABBOTT: That’s the Army Corps.

COSTELLO: There I go, back in the Army! (PAUSE.) Now, why don’t you just stick with the Army Corps and don’t leave it.

ABBOTT: Alright, what would you like to know?

COSTELLO: Good. Who’s the head of the Army Corps?

ABBOTT: Why do you insist on putting Who in charge of the Army Corps?

COSTELLO: What am I putting at the Army Corps?

ABBOTT: No, What’s at DHS.

COSTELLO: You don’t want Who at DHS?

ABBOTT: Who’s on FEMA.

COSTELLO: I don’t know.

TOGETHER: Army Corps! (PAUSE.)

COSTELLO: Look, you gotta local government?

ABBOTT: Now, what kind of city doesn't have a local government?

COSTELLO: The Mayor’s name?

ABBOTT: Why.

COSTELLO: I just thought I’d ask you.

ABBOTT: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

COSTELLO: Then tell me who’s the Mayor.

ABBOTT: Who’s on FEMA.

COSTELLO: I’m not ... stay outta FEMA! I want to know what’s the guy’s name in the Mayor’s office.

ABBOTT: No, What is at DHS.

COSTELLO: I’m not asking you who’s at DHS!

ABBOTT: Who’s on FEMA!

COSTELLO: I don’t know.

TOGETHER: Army Corps!

COSTELLO: Look, the Mayor’s name?

ABBOTT: Why.

COSTELLO: Because!

ABBOTT: Oh, that’s the governor. (PAUSE.)

COSTELLO: Look, you got any kind of plan to bring this city back?

ABBOTT: Now, where would we be without a plan?

COSTELLO: The planning commission head’s name?

ABBOTT: Tomorrow.

COSTELLO: You don’t want to tell me today?

ABBOTT: I’m telling you now.

COSTELLO: Then go ahead.

ABBOTT: Tomorrow!

COSTELLO: What time?

ABBOTT: What time what?

COSTELLO: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who’s in charge of this thing?

ABBOTT: Now, listen. Who is not in charge of the local plan.

COSTELLO: I’ll break your arm if you tell me Who’s on FEMA! I want to know what’s the guy’s name on the planning commission.

ABBOTT: What’s on DHS.

COSTELLO: I don’t know.

TOGETHER: Army Corps! (PAUSE.)

COSTELLO: Look, got a head of police?

ABBOTT: Certainly.

COSTELLO: The police chief’s name?

ABBOTT: Today.

COSTELLO: Today. And Tomorrow’s the guy with the plan.

ABBOTT: Now, you’ve got it.

COSTELLO: All we got is a couple of days here. (PAUSE.) You know, I’ve worked in government, too.

ABBOTT: So they tell me.

COSTELLO: So I grab my coat and head to New Orleans. Tomorrow’s got the big plan. He lays it out and I take a look. Then me, being a team player, kick it over to the guy at FEMA. So I take the plan over to Who?

ABBOTT: Now, that’s the first thing that you’ve said right.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!

ABBOTT: That’s all you have to do.

COSTELLO: Is to kick the plan over to FEMA.

ABBOTT: Yes!

COSTELLO: Now, who’s got it?

ABBOTT: Naturally. (PAUSE.)

COSTELLO: Look, if I take this plan over to FEMA, somebody’s got to get it. Now, who has it?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: Who?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: So I take the big plan and I show it to Naturally.

ABBOTT: No, you don’t. You show the plan to Who.

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That’s different.

COSTELLO: That’s what I said.

ABBOTT: You’re not saying it.

COSTELLO: I take the plan to Naturally.

ABBOTT: You take it to Who.

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That’s it.

COSTELLO: That’s what I said!

ABBOTT: You ask me.

COSTELLO: I take the plan to who?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: Now, you ask me.

ABBOTT: You take the plan to who?

COSTELLO: Naturally.

ABBOTT: That’s it.

COSTELLO: Same as you! Same as YOU! I take the plan to who. Whoever it is doesn’t know what to do with it and punts the job to what. What passes the buck to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know says it’s a local job and hands it off to tomorrow, who resigns and dumps the whole thing off on Because. Why? I don’t know. He’s with the Army Corps of Engineers and I Don’t Give a Damn!

ABBOTT: What?

COSTELLO: I said, I don’t give a damn!

ABBOTT: Oh, that’s our president.

COSTELLO: Screaming sound.

Michael Tisserand is the former editor of Gambit Weekly. His forthcoming book, Sugarcane Academy, will be published in spring 2007 by Harcourt.