would you invite your ex to thanksgiving?

[wildhorses]

this would be a small gathering...the ex would make 5.

the other people would be:

father, two daughters, TheSmoker ....and....the ex

[zappa_parappa]

1. Sure, if you two get along well

I'd invite my ex (girlfriend) along, because we're still good friends, and she doesn't know many people in america, so it'd be a nice thing to do.

[wildhorses]

3. are you currently seeing anyone else?

how would they feel about it?

[zappa_parappa]

6. well thats kinda sticky...i've kind of kept her shielded from my dating

so she doesn't know about my dating other people, but knowing her, she probably wouldn't take it well...so theres that to deal with.

[wildhorses]

9. so, you would invite your ex and ALSO your current?

and we are not talking about ex-spouses, right? but, rather girlfriend type of situation...

[zappa_parappa]

14. Yeah, I'm talking girlfriend...if my current was coming...no, i wouldn't

I'd leave the ex behind...could make things uncomfortable for all.

[wildhorses]

17. now you're thinking--

;)

[taterguy]

2. No

[wildhorses]

4. that is me, too

:wtf:

[LeftyMom]

5. Hell no. That would be beyond ugly. But my ex isn't your ex.

If you two are cool with eachother I think it'd be fine, although less potentially thorny with a slightly bigger group.

[wildhorses]

7. this is NOT me--

this is the guy i am currently dating and HIS ex?

i will NOT be there as i will be with MY family...

:shrug:

[LeftyMom]

16. Hmmm.

Did he invite you first?

We've had people's exes at family thanksgiving and other get-togethers over the years, but I think it'd be a bit strange to have the ex but not the current love interest there. It could give people the wrong idea, esp. if the kids (are they their mutual kids?) are hoping they'll get back together.

[wildhorses]

20. no, he did NOT invite me first but, i did NOT give him a chance--

i told him a couple of weeks ago that i had to drive my Mom to the airport...i did it on purpose cos i did NOT want to be "dealing" with this scene--

i have met his father but NOT his 2 daughters

he just met two of my nephews Saturday--

i do not know about him but, i have been avoiding the meeting of the families...

i really am NOT sure about my feelings for this guy

i think we are on different pages in the book of life

he is a good mr right now but i am not sure if he is mr right :shrug:

[Nickster]

34. So he's Mr. Right Now, why get worked up about it? Maybe he would have invited

you to T-Day, but you'll never know now. Maybe he gets along with the ex and didn't want her to be alone or figured he'd be nice to her since you weren't going to be around anyways. It really sounds to me like you're conflicted about your relationship with him.

You should work on sorting that out (Your feelings) before you get too worked up about a situation like this. If you're not serious about him, you can't expect him to take you to seriously either. It's ok to not be in a serious relationship with him, but you have to act appropriately and just be happy with the times you two have together.

Not knocking you or anything...I hope it doesn't come off like that.

[wildhorses]

45. no problems--

yeah, i am conflicted--freely admit it.

i am "happy" with our times together

i think i am looking for an excuse to date other people, though--

not sure what you mean by act appropriately--

do NOT care if I was invited

actually he has good reason to invite the ex--they are having problems with the 17 yo and HE is being a real JERK about it...

right not tell me up front that is what is happening? instead he lets it drop off handed that he needs to go shopping--

me: what for?
TheSmoker: for thanksgiving dinner
me: you are fixing t-dinner
him: (giggle) yeah
me: oh really? how many?
him: 5

conversation goes on to other subjects and i could be totally wrong about who the 5th person is but, i doubt it

why not be upfront about it with me?

[Nickster]

79. Well, when I say act appropriately, I just mean treat each other like you're not in a real serious

relationship. He does what he wants and you do what you want. When you both have time for each other, you do what you do and be happy for that time, but not expect anything else out of it. In other words, you don't get upset when he sees his ex for dinner.

I think you're taking it a little more seriously than you let on and I'm thinking he takes it a little less seriously. From a guy's perspective, if another guy or a friend asked me what I was doing for T-day, I would have answered the same way that he did. "Yeah, I'm making dinner for five" and moved on. I wouldn't have gone into details unless you asked for more detail. If someone I considered my girlfriend asked me, I would have answered differently.

On the other hand, maybe he's as conflicted as you are and just wanted to avoid the discussion/argument over it.

The only way to find out for sure is to sit him down and talk about it, but I think you should really get your own mind wrapped around how you feel about him first and if you think he's even worth the effort. If you don't think he is, then I don't really think you need a flashing green light to tell you it's ok to move on.

Anyways, I'm probably full of crap so take this for what it's worth.:-)

[miss_american_pie]

8. Do they share kids?

Does the ex have nowhere else to go?

[wildhorses]

10. the two daughters are theirs...

i do not know what the ex's situation is :shrug:

[miss_american_pie]

11. If they can get along in the presence of the kids

IMO it's a positive.

[wildhorses]

13. the kids are 22 and 17--

and so you think i have no cause for worry?

[miss_american_pie]

19. I don't think so

Of course, I know nothing of their situation, but there's a reason they're exes. And even if the kids are almost grown, they'll still have future events they have to get along together at -- graduations, weddings, grandbabies.

:hug:

[wildhorses]

23. sure, there will always be unavoidable events but, why

create a family atmosphere... who is HE kidding?

i understand being adult and mature in situations where you are thrown together in circumstances beyond your control but, this just sounds all TOO cozy for me...

really, this is turning me off...

i have no problem but, i think it opens a door for me to see other people as well :shrug:

[miss_american_pie]

65. Because they are still a family

I'm sorry, as this seems to be a painful situation for you. :hug:

But it sounds like it's a new, and therefor still painful, situation for his kids, too.

[wildhorses]

69. i am not sure painful is the right word for me

odd, yes...painful...compared to my past this is a walk in the park and a pleasant puzzle...

i feel for his kids especially the youngest. the 22yo is his favorite and spoiled ROTTEN by him!!

[JVS]

12. No

[wildhorses]

15. not just no but HELL.NO!

:wtf:

[JVS]

18. I would in fact inform the X not to come to my house on any holidays...

or on days of the week ending with "y"

[wildhorses]

21. i think you and i have had some similiar experiences

given our thoughts on this issue :toast:

[Connonym]

22. Too many variables but generally I'd say yes

There are so many variables in this kind of situation -- like how acrimonious was the split, etc. My gut instinct would be that if the alternative is her spending the holiday alone, it would be a very kind gesture to invite the ex to dinner. Holidays are a terrible time to be without your children and alone. In the spirit of giving thanks and all, I say where's the harm?

Unless she's a toxic person. In that case, inviting her would be horrid for everyone involved.

[wildhorses]

24. i have no idea what she is like but, there had to be some reason

why they divorced after a 20 some odd year marriage--

i think she has family in the area--

and as for the kids they can spend time with both parents

i just have a funny feeling about all this :shrug:

[AngryAmish]

25. Just make sure there is plenty of liquor

Make sure everyone starts drinking early. Then delve into subjects such as politics, religion, proper coatings for fried chicken...just the normal stuff.

[wildhorses]

26. confusion and chaos--2 of my favorite things

what would the holidays be without them??

disfunctional family and PROUD of it :rofl:

[buddhamama]

27. if you get along with him

why not. i've spent more than a few holidays in the company of my ex without a problem. :) :hi:

[wildhorses]

29. hang on --

not my ex...

this will be:

my curent boyfriend
his father
his two daughters
and his ex-wife

i will NOT be there cos i will be with my family...none of my ex's will be at my dinner...

don't get me wrong i am glad they have a "good" relationship but this sounds a little cozy. they have only been divorced a year...

[buddhamama]

32. oops

i was confused. tough question. i can't answer because it would depend on a lot things. my 'gut' feeling and stuff.

[wildhorses]

46. my gut feeling is that it is not a big deal

it is the fact that he is not being up front about it that bothers me...

he just told me there would be 5 people there and left it at that...

my "gut" feeling told me that the 5th person is his ex...

due to the fact that they are having major issues with their 17 yo

as the day has progressed he has called me about this problem...

sticky situation requiring a lot of tact on my end...

[leftofthedial]

28. I wouldn't

I'd have to spend the whole day refereeing between her and my family, like I did for fifteen years

no frigging thanks

[wildhorses]

47. i know what you mean--

:toast:

[seaglass]

30. My mom has invited my dad for Christmas every year and

they've been divorced now for about 20 years. At some points they both also had their SO's there, now only my dad has an SO. The first Christmas after they were divorced I was 28 and my youngest sibling was 21.

It could be something that's coming from the kids. I really wanted my parents to be able to tolerate each other and to keep as much of the family feeling around holidays, this didn't mean I was expecting or wanting them to fall back in love. That was hopeless and everyone knew it.

I can't even imaging how awful it would have been if my parents had not been able to put aside their differences enough to share in our weddings, holidays and their grandchildren's birthdays over the years.

If you like this guy, find out what the scenario is. You might find that he is a kind-hearted person doing something for his kids that he really doesn't want to do.

[speedoo]

40. What HopeLives said.

I understand your discomfort, wildhorse.

But I think it's important to look at the situation your BF has in terms of HIS kids. If he's like me, he wants to maintain the original family relationship TO A DEGREE.

My ex and I are both uninvolved with SO's (as far as I know, anyway) and we have two adult children that we each maintain loving relationships with. Plus, my mom is still alive and she and my ex still care for one another very much.

About a year and a half ago, I decided that the bitterness following our divorce five years before was making it impossible to have normal family gatherings involving my ex, my kids and my mom and me. She was avoiding any situations where I was involved to such an extent that it was hurting all involved, IMO.

So I contacted my ex and had a heart to heart about the situation and she responded positively. The result is we all get together several times a year, at holiday time usually and things are much, much better all around.

The relationship with my ex is that we are friends. Period.

Now, if either my ex or I had an SO, I would expect that we would have to re-evaluate. If I had an SO, I would sit down with my ex and let her know what the situation was. And I would be prepared to respect her wishes regarding including my SO and my ex together in such gatherings.

I have to say that my ex is the mother of my children, and also the first to have a relationship with my mom. Therefore, my ex would always have certain rights (as long as she wanted them) in gatherings involving my kids and my mom. Specifically, if she were not comfortable being in such gatherings with my SO, I would have to respect her wishes, and make other arrangements.

Does that make any sense?

[wildhorses]

48. yes, it makes soem sense and especially since there are no

SO involved.

i think ALL peoples feeling should be taken into account--

[billyskank]

31. No

obviously. :D

[wildhorses]

49. it seems to be a NO BRAINER to me

:wtf: :shrug: :P

[billyskank]

59. That's my style

:D

[wildhorses]

70. i see you went to the same of school of kiss that i attended:

k-keep
i-it
s-simple
s-stupid

aren't you glad to have one less holiday to contend with:P

[billyskank]

71. Two less

We don't have the fourth of July either. :P

[wildhorses]

74. lucky you, although 4th of July is FUN

fireworks and summer and watermelon and either the ocean or the river!!

however, i can see where the queen might have a problem with it :rofl:

[billyskank]

75. Meh, I don't think she gives a shit

None of us do. It was like 230 years ago, you know. We've gained and lost an empire since then. :P

[wildhorses]

76. that's what i like about y'all--

so laid back and tolerant...we get so damn UPTIGHT over here

just like his thing with TheSmoker...all worried about telling me when i really don't care...just think it's odd...

of course if he is doing it so they can have a talk with the 17 yo then i totally understand and don't find it odd one bit...

truly think it is going to be unpleasant and GLAD i am going to be with my Mom cos SHE ROCKS!!

she's kinda crazy but her heart is in the right place

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

33. Fuck no.

Not under ANY circumstances.

[wildhorses]

50. thank you

:toast:

[av8rdave]

35. No, no, no, no, no

Wait, let me think about it a second...NO!

[wildhorses]

54. somethimes NO is one of my favorite words

and this is one of those times:P :toast:

[Callalily]

36. I personally would not

invite my ex, but this situation is different. You won't even be there, so I think he has the right to invite whom ever he wants to his Thanksgiving party.

And it sounds like you need some of these >>>>>>

[wildhorses]

55. thanks--

my issue is with the fact that he is NOT telling me...i am figuring it out on my own...WHY?

what does he have to hide??

:shrug:

thanks for the hug...i can always use one and backatcha :hug:

[sniffa]

37. speaking for myseLf

and not my better haLves i wouLd gLadLy invite any exes if they did not have a pLace to go, or food to eat. regardLess of how i feeL about them, i know how much it sucks if you say didn't have famiLy to spend it with, food to eat.

[wildhorses]

56. of course there is nothing wrong with human kindness

but, why hide it from me?

[Shine]

38. Depends on which ex!

:D actually, now that I think about it, NO, I wouldn't .

It would be too weird.

Good luck to you, though. Sounds like you've got a decent relationship to make it happen. :thumbsup: :hi:

[wildhorses]

58. you got it--WEIRD

thanks for the comments and yes, i am really ok with it just not for ME

[cwydro]

39. Hmmm...

I guess it depends on the ex...

[wildhorses]

60. what about your SO, would you ask them how they felt about it?

:hi:

[cwydro]

41. Who's cooking?

Maybe he knows the ex will cook and he can just hang out and eat.

[wildhorses]

61. HE is cooking--she is coming to his house

the humor in this --

he NEVER COOKS!!

he eats ALL his meals OUT!!

[mzteris]

42. Why not?

I think it's wonderful when people can still get along with each other even after the marriage has ended. ESPECIALLY if there are kids involved. Yes, even "grown up kids". It means a hell of a lot to the kids (of any age) to be able to spend time with BOTH of their parents together.

[wildhorses]

62. you have a point--

why hide the fact?

[Left Is Write]

43. THE ex? The most significant ex? The father of my oldest child?

Unless he had absolutely no where else to go, NO.

[wildhorses]

53. exactly--

:thumbsup:

[bicentennial_baby]

44. Yeah, if he promised to behave himself...

But then again, he's a vegeatarian, so I don't know if he'd want to.... :shrug:

My other one, oh hell no!!! I'd rather run him down, and the thought of him alone on the holidays makes me smile, actually... :D

[wildhorses]

52. are you currently involved with anyone and how would they

feel about it?

[bicentennial_baby]

83. hehe, yes....

See Sniffa's post above...he's my bf. :)

[NightNurse]

51. Nope.

NO WAY JOSE' :rant:

[wildhorses]

63. you got that right!!

:toast:

[BarenakedLady]

57. I don't think so

I'm in enough trouble as it is. :rofl:

But seriously, in your situation it does sound a bit odd. :shrug:

[wildhorses]

66. well, the oddest thing to me is that he has kept all of it on the

down low

what's up with that??

it will all come out...it always does

mean time i find the whole thing quite humorous...

Men...go figure :rofl:

[BarenakedLady]

68. I've stopped trying

to figure out men. :rofl:

[wildhorses]

73. it IS more amusing to just sit back

and enjoy them...and a whole lot less trouble.

one reason why i am staying out of it as much as possible...

he keeps calling and asking for advice...

i keep telling him it is none of my business!!!

finally i break down and go as far as to say...

well, if she was my kid i would handle it such and such a way...

let the chips fall where they may.

i wonder if the universe has seen fit to put me in this situsation in order to help with the 17 yo.

he is being a JERK and i am trying to be the voice of reason...

why me LORD why ME :rofl:

[SeattleGirl]

64. I would. He's still part of the family, and I still see his dad and

stepmom. My youngest brother and youngest BIL both work for my ex. He was in Seattle a couple of years ago with my brother, and Mr. SeattleGirl and I asked them to stop by for a visit. Oftentimes when I am in Oregon to visit my family, I go out to his shop and chat with him.

I know that that is not always the way it is with many divorced couples. If two people get along, though, I think it would be fine. If there's a lot of tension, though, well, I would have to put some thought into it.

[wildhorses]

67. sounds like you guys have a great

relationship...good to see you :hi:

[SeattleGirl]

72. Yeah, we do. Took some time, but it was worth it.

Nice to see you too! :hi:

[Ariana Celeste]

77. Yeah, I would.

If one of them lived nearby, and they had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving then I would definitely invite them. :). Not sure how my SO would feel about it, though. LOL. So I guess, if it were cool with my SO, I would.

[skygazer]

78. It always depends on the relationships

I would invite my first husband in a heartbeat. I get along great with him and so does my present SO. He's actually married so it would be a couple (I love his wife, too) but even if he were single, I'd have him without a qualm.

My second ex, I wouldn't invite to his own funeral (nor would I attend).

[EdwardM]

80. Never had a girlfriend.

I guess I lose this thread!

[CatholicEdHead]

81. Probably not

Don't want to open good wounds.

[Nikia]

82. When I was little

After the first year of the divorce, when things had calmed down a little, my parents often spent part of Christmas and sometimes our birthdays together. Sometimes, they took us to other things together too. When my mother married my evil step father, that stopped because he was a very jealous man and he got upset if my mother didn't hate my dad. My parents both showed up at my graduation but took careful pains to avoid each other. While in college, my mother divorced evil stepfather and started dating the guy who she would marry. My parents, father and step mother and mother and future step father, attended graduation, sat together, and went out to dinner with me afterwards. They also were friendly at my wedding. When my grandmother, my mother's mother, died this spring, my father and stepmother went to it and had dinner with my mother, stepfather, sisters, and I after the showing. I am glad that my parents can get along again.
As for my exes, I was not married before marrying my husband who I am still married to. I haven't seen any of my exes in almost 10 years and none of them was significant really to mean much to me now. I think that if my husband and I divorced and we had children that I probably would invite him if things weren't too painful.

[Misskittycat]

84. My ex from 20 years ago now lives in my house, so...yeah, I guess. n/t

[In_The_Wind]

85. I almost did exactly that back in 2002.

We all decided to go out to supper in different directions.
This will fall into the category if I don't stop now but let me just add this ~ I had Thanksgiving alone in South Carolina the next year.

[MoseyWalker]

86. Last year, and any of the past many years: Yes

this year: No

Next year: No

I can't deal with people who irritate me with their beliefs and ignorance as easily as I used to.

[u4ic]

87. Sure I would

we're still friends, and hang out once in a while. He's a great guest - personable and funny, and he likes doing dishes! That last reason alone is enough to invite him! :rofl:



(btw...when we were together, his ex used to come over for dinner occasionally)

[mykpart]

88. One of the things I'm most thankful for

is that I never have to associate with my ex again. But that's just me.