Any tips for dealing with envy?

[gmoney]

Without going into specifics, I've been having real problems with competitiveness and envy lately.

Rationally, I know it makes no sense... the success and apparent windfalls of others does NOT diminish me. But I still find myself distracted and even tormented by it all. I know I should count my blessings, but the problem is that I count the blessings of others, and find myself in "compare/despair" territory. Maybe these others are working harder/smarter than I am, or are more innately talented, but instead of motivating me to work harder, it merely discourages me.

Anyone have tips for achieving satisfaction with what I have, and being able to not concern myself with what others have/do?

[gmoney]

1. kick

I'm starting to envy all the attention the other threads are getting this morning...

[Midlodemocrat]

2. Here's something my mom told me many years ago.

If you are jealous or envious of others, you will spend your life in misery because someone will always have more, do more, or be more.

Make peace with who you are and what you have and you will find happiness.

[gmoney]

7. Your mom was right

I have spent my life in misery, for the most part.

That making peace thing is the tricky part I could use some help with...

[GoddessOfGuinness]

3. Don't fight it...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Envy is only human. Feel your envy without acting on it by rejecting your successful colleagues. By compassionately sticking with yourself during this difficult time, you'll find yourself feeling more compassion for those who may envy you.

The next time you see a homeless guy begging on the corner, you might buy him a sandwich or something. He's probably envious of your home and job.

[gmoney]

4. Thanks for the input...

I know it's irrational, and I am thankful I have a job and a home and am in reasonably good health and don't live in Rwanda, etc.

I guess being emotionally out of touch doesn't help... I have no clue how I would go about "compassionately sticking with (my)self".

[GoddessOfGuinness]

34. Here's how...

You recognize your envy, and refrain from judging yourself.

Our conditioned response to what we label "bad emotions" such as envy and anger is to either act on them by saying and doing hurtful things, or hide from them in shame. You've already taken the first healthy step by facing your envy.

Examine the feeling. This will help you become more emotionally in touch with yourself, so ultimately, you can even be glad that you experienced envy. Does envy cause you to experience any physical sensations? What other emotions does it create in response?
Basically, you're detaching yourself from the emotional goo, and examining it the way one might explore germs under a microscope.

One of the books that's been most helpful to me, in learning to accept myself with all my baggage, is "Start Where You Are" by Pema Chödrön. The author, a Buddhist nun, describes her book as "a guide to compassionate living"; and teaches that compassion must begin with the self. I hope you'll find a copy and read it.

[gmoney]

35. Thanks for the recommendation

part of the first chapter is on Amazon, and it seems like a pretty good book to look into further... if I can get my literal head around the abstractions.

[Courtesy Flush]

5. Envy me!

I was born with birth defects, and now have an artificial leg and an artificial hip. I was raised by alcoholics, and my only surviving sibling is psychotic, so I avoid him.

My sister died when we were kids. I was in a car crash and broke my back and my neck when I was in college.

I am spending my life behind a desk, as a civil servant.

So what's my personal motto? (I believe in personal mottoes)...

Invidia Nemo -- "Envy No One"

My life is so good I have to pinch myself. I was born in a great era, and live in a great society. I don't envy the ancient Egyptians or Romans, because I'm living in as monumental an age as they did. I don't envy my neighbors, because I know what their problems are, and I wouldn't trade with them on a bet.

I am a truly blessed person. I have many talents, and I'm married to a wonderful woman. Why would I envy anyone when I live such an enviable life?

I've always felt this way. I don't feel superior to others, since I know I'm not as intelligent as some, nor as likable as others, nor as rich. I wouldn't be held up as superior to very many people, but That's a different thing.

If you can't see why you're an enviable person, you're just not looking.

[gmoney]

11. OK, I will envy you!

I envy your ability to feel blessed and at peace with who you are, and your situation in life, and not fixate on the obstacles and adversities as I would.

I don't mean to be glib. I guess somehow I have a fixation on a need to feel superior, as if anything less is worthless. Of course, I only apply this standard to myself.

Congratulations on making your life what it is, and finding contentment and satisfaction. Truly enviable.

[Courtesy Flush]

13. You need to re-asses that need

It's like a drug. You get to feel superior to one person, then someone better comes along. You can only raise the bar so high. There will always be someone who's a little better in one way or another.

[XemaSab]

6. Put nails in their tires?

:shrug:

[gmoney]

9. Sabotage!

Appeals to the evil part of me... good suggestion. ;)

Oh, and I also envy the people who get to hang out with you, Xemasab. Especially days you don't wear your bra. LOL

[XemaSab]

39. Awww! Thanks!

:pals:

ps I saw another rare gull this weekend: Ross'!

not nearly as cool as the kittiwakes though. :D

[flvegan]

8. Depends one what/who is the reason for your envy.

It's easier, I think, to deal with envy in regards to specific things. For example, I envy the car collection Jay Leno has. That's easier to deal with than, say, if I had envy for a co-worker or neighbor who is much like me, but has had more success than I in specific factions/areas of his/her life.

IOW, it's easier to deal with envy in relation to what another has than what another is.

That said, I'm sure that if you think about it, you'll find a reason behind why your envy possibly should be unfounded. Or hell, give us the specifics and let us tear it apart much to your glee.

[gmoney]

14. Thanks, flvegan

Yeah, I can deal with the Jay Leno thing because it's so far removed as to be an abstraction. An example of how hard work and persistence can lead to success, even if one isn't very funny. :hide:

Mine is of the "far younger, more attractive, and effortlessly talented competitor achieving more than I ever will" variety. But going into specifics will point out just how idiotic and petty the source of my irritation is. ;)

[flvegan]

18. Nobody with a

Beastie (MCA, specifically) line in his/her comment section would be pointed out to be idiotic nor petty. Besides, we all know that achievement and talent do not beget each other. Some have a lot of one with very little of another (think Nickelback). Young and attractive...well, there's always someone younger, and always someone more attractive. That is, unless you're a 16 year old swimsuit supermodel. Then, everyone envies you, and many would rather see you dead in spite of your beauty and success.

[crim son]

10. I've found that curling yourself into the fetal position

and weeping pathetically can be very helpful, at least in the short term.

[gmoney]

17. I've been saving that as a fallback position.

That, and maybe having a tantrum.

[mainegreen]

12. If there is anything you have/are that you enjoy and can develop..

to be better/nicer than what others have try focusing on that. I find (for me at least) to avoid stuff envy I've focused my attention into one project (the super/duper home sound/technology/web network dobob) has allowed me to have and enjoy something many people don't have, and by focusing time on getting it myself (as opposed to the rich buy complete method) it cost less too.

That, or win the lottery or something!
:P

[gmoney]

16. Thought I had...

It's not so much about "stuff envy" as "reward/recognition envy" in an area I have been working on enjoying and developing. It's funny, I've never really thought of myself as competitive before, but apparently I am, in an area where it should not be about competition at all.

I feel about as ridiculous as one Buddist envying another Buddist for being more Zen.

[Raffi Ella]

15. ah well,you can't avoid feeling that way sometimes.

It's a part of life,I think.

Try and find things that you really really enjoy and do them often.It's hard to envy anybody else when you're having fun.

And remember life is short,if you spend it envying others you are wasting it.

[pitohui]

19. no real tips here

i will just have to send you a :hug:

my background was such that i am not concerned with what others have, i am sufficiently impressed with myself for coming so far

which is fortunate since i am probably by far one of the lowest income people in my neighborhood if not the very lowest! :-)

so i guess my answer is, compete with yourself, not with others

some people were born on third base and have all the contacts, or just have a different kind of brain and personality which allows them to sell themselves better, to envy them and worry about competing with them is to me as silly as trying to beat michael jordan at basketball

[gmoney]

21. Different kind of brain...

I could use one of them. The kind that's content with all I have and am, and doesn't concern itself with others.

[wildhorses]

20. --

:hug:

are you by any chance a perfectionist :shrug:

[gmoney]

24. In many ways, yes...

In many ways, I'm a perfectionist, but in many ways, I'm lazy. Kind of an all or nothing type. Don't worry that the wallpaper in the bathroom is nearly peeling off, but if we decide to take it down, I'll be fastidious about what we do to replace it or redo the wall.

Perfect is the enemy of good, I know. I'm a living example.

[wildhorses]

25. i think with age comes a mellowing and an acceptance

just give yourself some time
its a slow turning
from the inside out...



When I was a boy,
I thought it just came to ya'
But I never could tell what's mine
So it didn't matter anyway

My only pride and joy
Was this racket down here
Bangin' on an old guitar
And singin' what I had to say

I always thought our house was haunted
But nobody said boo to me
I never did get what I wanted
Now I get what I need


It's been a slow turnin'
From the inside out
A slow turnin'
But you come about

Slow learnin'
But you learn to sway
A slow turnin' baby
Not fade away

Now I'm in my car
I got the radio on
I'm yellin' at the kids in the back seat
'Cause they're bangin' like Charlie Watts

You think you've come so far
In this one horse town
Then she's laughin' that crazy laugh
'Cause you haven't left the parkin' lot

Time is short and here's the damn thing about it
You're gonna die, gonna die for sure
And you can learn to life with love or without it
But there ain't no cure

[gmoney]

27. Hmmm... John Hiatt, eh?

I can't listen to that song because it's so overpowered by Sonny "One Lick" Landreth's tiresome slide work.

Funny how much better Hiatt's albums were BEFORE he got content and happy. Wildly uneven, but a lot more interesting.

So, you're suggesting I need to find the VH-1 version of me?

[wildhorses]

30. --

:rofl:


unplugged even!!

[LaurenG]

22. My father taught us all as small kids that anything you put your mind

to could be achieved. (I don't think it applies to people though). Anyway I have gone through life thinking that I could do anything I wanted and if someone else could achieve it so could I. That left everything up to me. I can have it if I want, but how much effort am I willing to give it.

I'm pretty much a loner and I like homemade stuff. I still cook dinner every night and I keep people in my life who are beautiful souls. I ended up very fortunate but that was what I wanted and I did get what I set my mind to.

Envy is only a lie we tell ourselves. There is nothing to envy because anything that resonates with us can be ours, if we want it badly enough.

[gmoney]

26. So, lack of imagination on my part?

The most recent envy episode is more based on what seems like effortless success.

"Envy is only a lie we tell ourselves." I guess that includes the notion that the other person is less entitled what they have than I am.

[LaurenG]

33. No, no, no

It's not like that. I guess I might be wondering about effortless success too. I've never had that.

I think the bottom line is just to keep on keeping on. Sometimes it takes a long time to get what we are striving for. :hug:

[sakabatou]

23. Beating the crap out of it through alchemy

That's how Ed beat this Envy:

[sniffa]

28. sorry

i'LL try to pay more attention to you. i had no idea i was making you envious.

[gmoney]

29. I envy any man with TWO beautiful women.

Of course, I wasn't actually looking for more attention from YOU.

Bi_Baby still owes me a nude sunbathing session in my backyard... then *I* will be the envy of my neighborhood. May be a bit nippy this time of year, though.

[bicentennial_baby]

40. eventually dahling...

:)

hey you... :pals:

[zappa_parappa]

31. I'm pretty bloody fantastic, so its hard for me to feel envy of others

I'm very modest too.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

32. figure out whats bothering you about your own life...

than try to fix somethings...

thats how i deal with my envy

[gmoney]

36. boy, that's a tall order...

...so much bothering me, it's hard to know where to start.

[Der Blaue Engel]

37. I'm in a similar boat

But maybe more petty. As a writer struggling for several years to get a novel published, I'm insanely jealous of anyone who gets published, to the point of having difficulty reading or even looking at books in a store without getting really upset. I'm aware that my absurd focus on other people's success is eating up energy I could be putting into writing and querying, but I can't seem to get over it.

I'm also envious of people with houses and wealthy partners. And great bodies. There's really no end to my petty, seething envy. :eyes:

I hope to glean something from the answers to your thread as well. :)

[Xipe Totec]

38. When you learn to find a smile

ENRIQUE GONZALEZ MARTINEZ
Mexican Diplomat and Poet
(1871-1952)

(humbly translated by yours truly)

http://palabravirtual.com/index.php?ir=ver_poema1.php&p...


When you learn to find a smile
in the subtle drops that exude
from porous rocks in the mist,
or from the sun, the birds, and the breeze;

When nothing to your eyes remains lifeless,
or amorphous, or colorless, or distant,
and you grasp life and the mysteries
of silence, shadows and death.

When you can cast your gaze at the different
paths of the cosmos, and your effort
becomes a potent microscope
that discovers invisible universes;

Only then in a blazing bonfire
of infinite and superhuman love,
like St. Francis of Assisi, will make brethren
of the tree, the jungle and the beast.

And you will feel in the immense multitude
of beings and things your own self;
and will become fear itself at the abyss
and will become pride itself upon the summit.

Your love will shake the defiling pollen
that stains the very whiteness of the lily,
you will bless the sandy seashores
and cherish the flight of insects;

And you will kiss the briar thorns
And the silky petals of the dahlias…
And piously cast off your sandals
to keep from hurting the stones along your path.