need advice...am i being unreasonable?

[fizzgig]

i'll apologize first as this explanation pretty lengthy. (this is also partly to vent)

when i was 16 (1997) i started dating a guy i'd known since 7th grade. we dated until january 2004 and the only reason we broke up was because he was going to japan for a year to study. we always said we'd stay friends not only because we'd been together for so long and been through so much together (both of our parents divorced, grandparents died, etc) but also because we were best friends.

so we kept in touch the best we could, he even called me on election night 2004 for advice about a girl he liked (that night was hard for a few reasons). he starts dating this girl, she steals his phone and starts sending me nasty text messages. we talk it out and move past it.

he gets home in jan. 2005 and we get together a few times and talk occasionally but he's busy with school. i don't hear from him for months until it's time for his graduation party in may 2006. i go, talk to his mom and aunts more than i talk to him, but that's ok because they're like my own family.

i don't hear from him again until the end of this july. i get a voice mail that says "hey, i'm leaving for japan in two days, do you want to get together tomorrow night?" now i know he's doing the jet program and will be gone for three years and of course i say yes. the plans get a little screwy but we plan to meet around 11. he doesn't show until after midnight with four other people in tow...ok, his brother and i proceed to drink and shoot the shit while my ex chats up the other girls he brought. chris walks me to my car and tells me he'll call me when he gets settled but that call never came.

i got one of those "blanket update to everyone in my address book" e-mails from him a few days ago.

here's the bottom line: i'm pissed at him for telling me i'm still one of the most important people in his life and he wants to stay friends with me but then completely blowing me off. i can understand him wanting to stretch his wings but i've told him if he doesn't want to stay in touch to just tell me but he always assures me he wants to stay in touch.

how can i get over this?

[Omphaloskepsis]

1. Be happy when he contacts you...

Just don't sit around waiting for a call that isn't going to come. Really, your relationship is over. Move on, he has.

[fizzgig]

2. but that's the frustration

that i should be happy when he calls, i stopped waiting a long time ago. i've no illusions that we'd ever get back together and it was best that we parted ways. i guess i just want him to tell me to piss off if he's going to be like this.

[SeattleGirl]

5. Then maybe that's what you need to do, kagehime

Not say "piss off" necessarily, but it sounds like in a way, you have let go, and are willing to get on with it, but with his out-of-the-blue calls and so forth, it's keeping you tethered to him in a way you are not happy about.

Years ago, I got involved with a housemate (yeah, yeah, I know). When it ended, he said he still wanted to be friends. He's not a bad person, but I was not ready to go from lovers to friends overnight. After the breakup, he chose to move out. When he did the "let's be friends" thing, I said, "Yeah, I can see that happening, but it's going to be in MY time, not yours." And that's what happened. Now, I have not seen him in quite some time, as our lives took very different paths, but if I ran into him tomorrow, I would be absolutely fine with hanging out with him for a bit, for lunch or coffee or whatever. I respected the fact that he was willing to stand aside until I let him know I was ready. Perhaps you could try the same thing with this guy.

[fizzgig]

9. those are some wise words

i've been trying to stand aside so he can get along with his life but it's never felt like there's been any reciprocation. i think the best course of action might be to just be blunt, but not harsh, with him about it and tell him what it's been doing to me.

[SeattleGirl]

11. Good for you.

I sense that you are a kind-hearted person, but you must extend that kindness to yourself.

[fizzgig]

13. that's one of the lessons i'm trying to learn

how to be kind to myself and it's been a tough one for me.

[SeattleGirl]

15. Believe me, I know exactly what you mean.

It's the challenge of my life. I'm getting better at it, but I do still struggle at times. I think people like you and me can sometimes get stuck in "either/or", rather than "both/and". As in, kindness doesn't have to be extended toward EITHER that person or ME, but rather, can be extended to BOTH that person, AND to me.

[fizzgig]

16. thank you, honestly

i've never looked at anything as a both/and, for me it has always been and either/or and i've never looked at it that way.

i'm trying to shift my thinking and some times i need someone outside to help with that shift.

edit to say that i know i'm young and still have a lot to learn

[SeattleGirl]

17. Believe me, we can all benefit from someone "outside"

helping us to see that which we have difficulty seeing for ourselves.

[Omphaloskepsis]

6. You could tell him to piss off.

He is not the only *Decider*

[fizzgig]

10. i laughed at that

but i know it's true

[BlueIris]

3. I wouldn't put up with that "let's stay in touch" b.s.

Relationships, even those that have evolved into platonic friendships, come with responsibilities. He's not interested in living up to his WRT you and the "friendship." He's just keeping you on the hook because he doesn't want to take responsibility for sucking it up and saying, "I don't like you like that anymore," or to admit that he doesn't care to keep you as any kind of priority in his life. Which is cowardly and immature. Why would you want a "friend" like that?

Stop "keeping in touch." Break it off, be pissed about what a jerk your former friend is, and make new friends. Hopefully ones who understand what the concept of friendship is all about, and are willing to reciprocate the camaraderie (and politeness) you have to share.

PM me if you'd like to vent.

[fizzgig]

7. you hit the nail

responsibilty.

i've known him long enough to know he's bad with shit like this

[idgiehkt]

12. I have to agree.

but I am terrible at provoking a split. I personally would probably just hang on for scraps.
The best thing to do is just look for a replacement, then you won't care about losing touch.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. I'd say, since you feel the relationship is over...

Stop responding to him whenever he does come around.

That will be hard for awhile, but hopefully you'll soon have someone new here with you to love...

And remember, you've been friends with him for a long time...

So it will take a while to break those bonds.....

Hang in there...it does get easier.....:hug:

And actively look for a new love!

[fizzgig]

8. i think the fact that all my relationships since

have not gone so well has made it more difficult. i've had a few relationships since but they've not worked out, i guess i need to learn more patience.

[driver8]

14. Tell him that "Friendship goes both ways." Either he starts treating you like

a friend, or he can stop calling.

[fizzgig]

18. i've said that

but i've not "enforced" it.

and i know that's my problem, not his, but i'm still angry

[hfojvt]

19. "you say you want to be friends

that's a newly sharpened blade
that's a dagger to the heart
of the promises we made
that's a chapter full of pain
a season full of rain
a dark and stormy night
spent all alone

friends, get scattered on the wind
tossed upon the waves
lost for years on end
friends, they slowly drift apart
they give away their hearts
maybe call you now and then ..."

Yeah, country music, but I have found it to be mostly true. Especially once they have an SO.