Does anyone have experience with eliminating gifts for children at xmas?

[brer cat]

My granddaughters, age 5 and 6, and my grandniece, age 3, receive an absolutely obscene number of gifts from other family members, a situation that we cannot control. My sister and I are very concerned that they are receiving such a display of materialism, and the loss of what we believe the season should represent….a time for families to draw together in love and fellowship, and to celebrate our religious heritage.

After several unsuccessful years of trying to get everyone to agree to “keep it simple” when we gather at our house, my sister wants us to eliminate gifts entirely at our house, and instead plan a special outing that would be a treat for everyone. We would take a lot of pictures, encourage the young ones to do drawings about what we did, write some simple journals, then make an album for each family to remember the occasion. We would also place more emphasis throughout the year on helping others whose needs are greater than ours.

I am in agreement, as is my daughter (haven’t heard back from my nephew), but I do have some concerns about no gifts at all from us to the grands. I’m afraid that they are simply too young to grasp the concept that our “gift” to each other would be a day of family fellowship.

Can anyone share thoughts, experiences, advice?

[DoYouEverWonder]

1. I had an aunt

that always gave me good books. Little Women, Grimms Fairy Tales, stuff like that. I loved them and I still remember them.

[LynnTheDem]

Yep. Draw names.

Set a dollar limit.

Then everyone gets a gift or two from ONE person. And the kids can spend time & thought on what they want to buy for the name they draw.

Win-Win situ.

:)

[NMDemDist2]

8. that's how we do it to, and it's a small $$ limit so it's a game to come

up with the coolest gifts for very little money

takes time and consideration of the individual's personality knowing what will please them the most

[RagingInMiami]

2. Why does it have to be so extreme?

Instead of no gifts, why not just just one or two gifts and do all the things you mentioned, especially the part about helping those whose needs are greater.

[WindRavenX]

10. good advice

I think eliminating all gifts would be pretty harsh given their ages, but you can still give meaningful, good gifts and have a wonderful day.

I always appreciated movies...

[morningglory]

20. Good suggestion. Also, I think it would be a good idea to make

the giftwrap. Be artistic. Use newspaper and brown paper bags. Make potato stamps.

[LynnTheDem]

3. dupe

[NOLADEM]

4. If you do this, set aside the money for therapy

Moderation is the answer here. Phasing out gifts completely is an overreaction that will leave your kids and relatives resenting you. There is joy in giving that you are depriving your relatives of as well as your children's obvious joy of recieving them.

The answer I think may be to ask your kids to chose several gifts and then give away the rest to those less fortunate.

Taking Christmas away from a child? Down right Grinchy !

Brer Cat I know your heart is in the right place, but everything in moderation.

[brer cat]

You are probably right about the therapy. lol

The main problem is my nephew and his wife. We have tried all of the suggestions above...dollar limits, number of gifts, etc. but they never play by the "rules." Last year we agreed to only stocking stuffers for adults and one gift per family per child. They came in with a ton of gifts for their child and my grandchildren. We had NO time to enjoy the children because they spent almost all day just opening presents.

I'm really not a grinch...love giving gifts, but it is sooooo out-of-hand with my nephew and with my grands father's family.

[Gormy Cuss]

43. I think no gifts would be confusing because the kids are so young.

I'd wait until they're older to substitute a family 'event.' There is no need however to let the day be taken up with opening all their presents. Perhaps instituting a rule that each child may open one gift from each relative and the rest will be saved for when they're home. The relative can choose which present is opened that day. That would still give each kid a pile of presents to open without eliminating family time to do something else.

I remember thinking that Jewish kids had a better deal because they opened presents every day for a week. I didn't realize at the time that many of the Chanukah gifts were small, LOL.

[tridim]

5. The same thing is happening with my nephew

I'd estimate he's getting about 5 times the presents I got when I was his age, and I got plenty. It's the same every year, he gets loads of crap, breaks or loses everything over the year and then gets more next xmas. It's pathetic, and I wish there was something I could do, but the damage is already done. He'll be demanding a free car in about 8 years, and unfortunately he'll get it.

[twilight_sailing]

6. Heifer International

http://www.heifer.org/site/c.edJRKQNiFiG/b.195980/k.D164/Give.htm

Read about this right here on DU the other day. Don't know if this will fit the bill or not but the kids might just like the idea of being a part of such an enterprise.

I chipped in a little myself and I gotta tell ya, it just tickles me to think about how big the smiles must have been for those on the receiving end. They must be almost as big as mine.

Just an idea.

[brer cat]

15. Wow! I haven't heard about this before.

[twilight_sailing]

25. It was new to me too.

Someone posted about it here on DU.
I just LOVE it.

[Dorian Gray]

33. I do Heifer every year

They send a cool catalog, and you can give the gift of a cow, a chicken, a rabbit or many other life sustaining gifts to a village in the Third World as a gift to your family. I do this along with another gift for the adults. But, if you buy one for the children, it will teach them about giving to others.

[Jackpine Radical]

7. I would talk to them a lot about it, make them feel that they are

"special," maybe help them choose some charity to make a token gift to. If you can make it feel like their idea, and feel that they are participating in something wonderful, I think that you will end up having given them a much greater gift than any material acquisitions would be.

[Longhorn]

9. I think they're too young to expect gifts from particular relatives.

They just expect gifts, period! They also have no concept of how much a gift costs. At that age, most of the fun is opening them.

I agree with those who suggest still giving them something to open but to change the focus of the get-together to something besides opening gifts.

We have been doing a gift exchange for years to cut back on gift giving. The adults bring some sort of ornament or decoration with a $15 limit and we play that game where you draw numbers and can "steal" from one another. We have so much fun that the kids wanted to be included by the time they were teenagers -- well, everyone except my sister's kids who thought it was boring and being the kind of parent she is, she wanted us to cancel it because "some of the kids were feeling left out." Thank goodness no one listened to her and her selfish kids!

[twilight_sailing]

13. How does this part work?

"we play that game where you draw numbers and can "steal" from one another"

I like this idea but I don't understand how it works. Sounds like fun.

[Longhorn]

24. Okay, here's how we play.

But I warn you, half the fun at the beginning is discussing the rules! :)

Each participant who brought a gift (we call it an ornament exchange but we've had all kinds of Christmas-related stuff) draws a number. Whoever drew number one goes first and selects a gift to open. We all ooh and aah and then it's number two's turn -- he can either take the gift from number one or open a new one. If he takes number one's gift, then number one selects another gift. We've decided that a gift can only be stolen three times or it could go on forever. Also, you can't steal the gift back from the person who stole it from you -- someone else has to steal it in between. The game progresses like that until the end when number one gets to go one more time.

It's really more fun the more stealing that takes place. Since we all go in with the attitude that we don't really care what we end up with, we've never had any hurt feelings. We didn't invent the game, by the way, and there are many variations out there. I've played it with "white elephants" too. You can find variations online.

[twilight_sailing]

26. That's terrific

I made a copy of your post so that when the time comes I'll be ready.
That really sounds like fun!

Thanks.

[Dorian Gray]

35. They played that on The Office

to hilarious effect last season! :)

[Manifestor_of_Light]

55. This is fun huh? Your idea of fun?

I think these are cruel. I think these gift exchanges encourage and reward RAW GREED.

"it's more fun the more stealing that takes place"???? Really??


I was at one this summer at a reunion, out on a lake shore. It was with a bunch of couples, and each couple got one present. So my sweetie picks a sack and it had a concrete rabbit in it. I thought it was really cool. Well, I wanted to put it out at our country place, since we have seen rabbits on the property at dusk. I thought maybe it would be some kind of a great synchronicity to go with the place we're planning on moving to.


Another woman stole it from us and we got an ugly painted rock. I immediately burst into tears when she stole it and I was completely embarrassed. Her hubby said "Well, it's only an ol' rabbit". He patted me on the back, and i was still quite annoyed.


I tried to hide my tears and composed myself so that I went back into the hostess' house and sat on a sofa in a room away from the main part of the house. One of the other guests came in the house asked me if anything was wrong and I told him I was upset. He and a couple of other people spent about 45 minutes trying to calm me down. They really shouldn't have had to waste their time trying to make me feel better.

I told him it wasn't about the rabbit, it was about the idea that other people could steal something and you couldn't get it back if you liked it, and it encouraged greed. In fact if my sweetie had gotten me a concrete rabbit, it would have brought back bad memories. The gift exchange did not last very long and I was in no condition to deal with anything.

So what happened was that I was embarrassed and unsociable that evening, felt like I looked like an idiot in front of the rest of the 20 people or so in the group.

The hostess, whose idea it was, thought I was a spoiled brat, trying to get attention from people, which was NOT what I wanted. I just wanted to hide. So I ended up making a bad impression on her. Due to my spontaneous reaction I ended up looking like an ass. Since then I have refused to send any e-mail to this hostess or communicate with her anyway other than to thank her for her hospitality, because I'm scared to death of what she'll think of me. This wasn't the first difference of opinion I've had with her.


I really don't know why I burst into tears other than exhaustion. I guess if I'd been a real witch I would have cussed out the woman who stole it from me. I did not speak to her or her hubby after that. We ended up giving the painted rock to the clerk at the motel at which we stayed.

I also went to a white elephant exchange at a church once and hated it. If you have something you like, you never get to keep it, because some greedy witch comes along and steals it. I could see trading with other people if they agreed to it but no....this is nothing but socially sanctioned greed.

Some people sure have a strange idea of fun.....:puke:

If I had a job, in an office, and they had a white elephant exchange, I WOULD REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE.

[Trajan]

11. I have to admit .....

I have NO experience in getting too many gifts ...

[silverlib]

My 2 cents...

I'm not sure that eliminating gifts entirely is the solution. Cutting down to a reasonable amount is much easier on them, but add something. The most memorable Christmas (good that is) that I have was visiting my mother is a psychiatric rehab center where she stayed for about four months to withdraw from a fifteen year prescription drug addiction. (She was 64 and I was 24. I had gone to pick her up for her weekend Christmas pass, but the ward Christmas party was not over and she didn't want to miss the end. All of these patients, with no funds to exchange gifts, had decorated the Christmas tree with wishes for each other. They knew each other intimately and the sharing of these wishes was overwhelming and I will be forever grateful that they invited me to stay. What if we all gave each other wishes?

[brer cat]

22. That is a really beautiful story, silverlib.

I'm going to recommend that for my family, too. We have downsized and will be going to a table top tree with small ornaments. I'm going to look for small things we could write a wish on for each family member. We also decorate an outdoor tree with bird treats that the children make. They love seeing the birds come to eat their gifts.

[MannyGoldstein]

12. In My Wife's Family, We Set $ Limits

Something like each kid gets no more than $50 worth of stuff from each adult - multiple adults can pool together to purchase more expensive things.

We do the same on adult-to-adult-gifts, but with a lower $ limit.

This has GREATLY improved the holiday experience for all.

[China_cat]

14. They may not understand it now

but they will later and it will probably one of the 'highlight' memories of their lives.

We don't buy for the grandkids at this time of year. But then they know that we don't 'do' christmas. They do know that they'll get gifts for birthdays and I guess we'll have to set a real precedent for the oldest's graduation from high school come spring. (And any ideas along that line would be welcome...no, we can't buy her a car)

[morningglory]

16. You can have the most fab tourist spot on earth all to yourselves

with 3 Japanese tourists. It is so peaceful. We took all the grandkids to some caverns an hour away on a freezing cold Christmas Eve (we live in Florida). A few Japanese tourists, no trampling herds of Amurkin tourists. So peaceful.

[LWolf]

17. A day, and this:

Perhaps you could give a flock of chicks in each grandchild's name:

http://www.heifer.org/site/apps/ka/ec/product.asp?c=edJRKQNiFiG&b=477887&ProductID=164803

Or plant a tree:

http://www.arborday.org/shopping/giveatree/giveatree.cfm

Or the gift of peace:

http://www.thepeacealliance.org/content/view/240/

Or just let them pick something at a local store that hangs donor "ornaments" on a tree to show who has given a gift to someone else.

A loving, generous heart takes joy in giving, and you can give that joy.

[brer cat]

27. Thanks for sharing the links. Great ideas there!

[surfermaw]

28. Try this, it worked for my grandchildren

We have 5 grandchildren...they had 3 Aunts on my side, we gave them gifts, the a gift of money that went to their parents, to place in their bank accounts, to be given to them when they graduated from college, 3 have graduated and one to come in May,. Having 5 thou , is a great help when you first get out of college, When there was a special gift we wanted to give them, that person wouldn't give money. The ones that have graduated were really happy with the deal.

[SoCalDem]

18. Can't go "Cold Turkey" with kids that young, but what we did was this

Each kid got ONE "big" present and then some smaller stuff, so they had lots to unwrap.
With 3 boys, close in age, we always had to lay everything out and count the presents. There was often a mad scramble to come up with "one more for..."

Those kids counted them, and heaven help us if one got an "extra" present.

:)


and as they got older, they all got the SAME big present..a tv, a vcr, a bike,a computer, whatever..

the present they all liked best?

I got each one a bundle of brand new dollar bills $100 for each..
My middle son was so impressed that I even "put them in numerical order for him " :rofl:

[undeterred]

19. I had a friend who gave her children one gift apiece

and around Christmas they had the children shop for gifts for poor children, wrap them, and bring them to a shelter- I thought this was a really good idea. Emphasis was shifted from receiving to giving.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

21. I Find Nothing Wrong With Them Receiving So Many Gifts. It Brings Much Joy To Young Children,

and I find nothing wrong with them having that joy.

If you make a personal decision, however, that you find it unhealthy and want to do something else instead, then just plan an outing and put hand-crafted tickets in an envelope detailing the outing and the date. That way it can still be considered a gift, though not a toy. Then everyone can be happy and you don't have to explain a thing.

[NC_Nurse]

23. I think it's an overeaction to drop gifts entirely.

You can't make your nephew and other family members change. I'd say do your gift-giving your way and let them do it their way. You can always
talk to your children about what YOU think is more important and make sure you include that in the holiday.

I like doing the extended family for Thanksgiving and not on Christmas. That way my kids and their dad and I made it the kind of day we wanted without too much craziness.
You could also suggest that your children pick out some of the excess that they get to give to charity. Just a thought.

[madmom]

29. when my daughter was little one of my gifts to her was to let her

pick a card off the giving tree (a gift for a needy child or family) in our local mall. She got to pick the card, pick the gift wrap and do the whole nine yards, she absolutely loved it.

[amitten]

30. If you as a child had received not a single gift from a grandparent,

I'd bet you would have felt a little bad about it. Children are not yet the intellectual idealists that their elders may be.

Do what you planned, but give at least one gift to each child.

[brer cat]

38. Actually I didn't receive any material presents from grandparents.

They had 40-something grandchildren, and very little cash. lol The family gatherings at my grandparents house were family fellowship. The only gifts were TO my grandparents. We kids had a ball with so many cousins to play with.

However, since I have 2 grands and my sister 1, the situation is quite different. The children all receive "Santa" gifts as well as a ton on Christmas eve from their other grandparents & assorted aunts and uncles. I want to give them something, I just want us to get away from our special day being spent with the children buried under boxes of "stuff."

[jmm]

54. My father's parents have over 100 descendants

so even if they had money they would've needed lots of it to get us all gifts. None of us are in therapy because of it.

[SoyCat]

62. My grandmothers (had no grandfathers) rarely gave me presents and I was taught to not

to expect gifts from any relatives or friends. Had I expected gifts, my mother would have told all parties to not buy me anything.

And I didn't mind it at all. I enjoyed the family meals more than anything.

[Dorian Gray]

31. That's a wonderful idea, and something the kids will appreciate

I do think, however, a small token... one small gift apiece, might be a fun thing to do so that they can play when they are at your house. :) I might give them some sort of chocolate or candy with a book each.

We're limiting what we give my neices and nephews this year. It's a huge deal, and we were worried about broaching the subject with my parents. But, we've all agreed to limit the gifts to one a piece for each of the kids, and we suspect that they will actually appreciate what they receive that way. (Rather than throwing crap in a corner and forgetting about it because there is so much there.)

If you give them a small treat (a chocolate santa and a book) or a game for them all to play, then they'll still have fun opening the gift. :)

Tammie

[seabeyond]

32. my kids have always received many gifts both christmas and bday

at 6 i took away bday parties. invite kids over but they are to bring NO gifts. only a present per family member. and sleep over type thing with a cake and meal of choice. last three years we have done large christmas for different reason, mostly because nieces and nephews needed it in our house cause they had been without christmas for different reasons so making it a grand affair.

those kids are young, and the spirit of christmas simply was in our house because of who we are. spoiled doesnt start and end with christmas or bdays.... it is what i have instilled in boys from a very young age. three years ago i also stopped buying them their toys. they buy their own. they get money last couple years, opposed to present and theirs to buy. mostly tey save the money

let them have the fairy tale of christmas if you can provide keeping clear the reality of rest of world, kindness, love, sharing.... the essense of where we are and use a year long approach in teaching the children values

i love that i took away the bday gifts from other children. family still gives.

the gifts really are not going to be the deciding factor on those little girls perception of what christmas is. that is going to come from how yawl do christmas

this christmas we are reducing presents hugely. 9 and 11... we will be in another city, mostly gifts of money so they can save or spend.... so bringing it down.

my 11 year old still has christmas and bday money from last year. saving for a car. why? that is the value and what is taught in this house

[Warren Stupidity]

34. We left one of our kid's gifts home once.

He survived, however our already flimsy claim to parental infallability suffered a fatal blow.

Edit: that is, we have three kids and we left all of the gifts for one of the kids home.

[noamnety]

36. Lots of good advice in this thread

I think you need to drop the idea of controlling what others give. They're adults, and - not to sound cliche or anything - you aren't the boss of them. Let them do their thing, even if it's not what you consider spiritually proper. I know if my parents started trying to dictate how I was raising my daughter, it would have not gone well.

If you want to spend quality time with the little ones, then make that your gift. If you want to go someplace and have them make a journal about it, wrap the journal as "the gift" with a note card that has an explanation or picture of where you're going to go with them. And if the gift giving is keeping you from having that journaling outing day on Christmas proper, that's fine - agree on a different date for it to actually take place, and include that with the gift as well.

You're gonna make yourself sick trying to control how other adults act, imho.

[brer cat]

42. We are VERY careful not to criticize our children

or comment on their over indulgence. But I do think we have a right and obligation to set limits when they are in our home. As small as this part of our family is, Christmas is usually the only time of year that we are all together. I think it's awful to spend that day gorging on material things.

[SoCalDem]

47. We did this with birthdays.. They got to take as many friends as their age

to Magic Mountain or Knott's Berry Farm.

Times were different back then , and after they were 9 or 10, we could just "turn them all loose" when we got there (can't do that anymore, though)

Our problem was the actual birthdates.. Nov11, dec 5 & Dec 15..waaaay too clustered and too close the Christmas for the pocketbook..

[bluestateguy]

37. When I was that age I used to get a lot of XMAS gifts

Rarely anything really expensive, but I'd get stuff even from distant relatives. One lesson kids can learn in these situations is the importance of sending prompt thank you notes (of course, that also tends to keep the gifts flowing in in future years ;) )

[Infomaniac]

39. We solved this one in my family...

When the first child past the "Golden Age of Financial Aid" went to college and paid for his first two years of college with the money we had contributed to his college fund as Christmas and birthday gifts. Our extended family members took note. We now give the kids small gifts, usually books, for all gift-giving events and contribute to their college funds. My younger nephews learned to write lovely thank you notes and how to spell tuition at a very young age.

[brer cat]

40. "My younger nephews learned to write lovely thank you notes

and how to spell tuition at a very young age."

:rofl:

You were a great influence on your family!

[Sweet Freedom]

41. My daughter gets a lot of gifts too

So, each year, before Christmas, we clean out her room and donate to charity those things she's outgrown, not interested in, or not using. It makes room for the new items and it's a good lesson for her.

Next, we have an online wish list that we ask close relatives to use. Then, I at least have control over what she's receiving and it's all kid- and mom-approved (and everyone uses the list because it's so easy and they know they are giving her something she wants.) I limit myself to one or two gifts that are small and special; grandma does an event with her (sometimes they go to play, get their nails done or bake something together).

Finally, I ask out of town relatives to send a gift card or cash. (They like the cash option because there's nothing to ship and they can just stick 5 or ten dollars in her card.) After Christmas, my daughter is allowed to spend 10% of the money on something she wants and the rest goes in the bank.

If she still gets a ridiculous number of gifts I spread them out over the week, so she has time to absorb everything.

Good luck!

[earth mom]

44. How about journals and art supplies for gifts...

that can be used for the outing? Either that or as someone else posted a book would be a great and memorable gift.

edited to add that after reading the entire thread through, I really like the "Heifer" idea too. So many other choices there...I like the idea of giving honeybees. O8)

[marions ghost]

45. the worst thing is showering them with toys

how about asking older relatives to give clothes, books, or gift certificates for necessities? How about tickets to a sports or cultural event, movie, musical performance or educational program--guitar, ice-skating, art lessons?-- ie. give an experience, rather than a commodity. Older relatives could give some pre-owned possession of theirs to teenagers, something the offspring would keep for a long time and remember them by.

It's hard to withdraw gift-giving from kids after the custom has begun, but you can change the cost, number, and flavor of the gifts. Also adults should not make such a big thing about the ritual of exchanging gifts...not attach so much importance to it. If adults get over this obsession, the kids can more easily do it. It's not necessary to be pious or preachy about this. No need to offend relatives. Encourage compromises. Don't overreact. If there are relatives who are disrespectful and overbearing --I have seen people who insist on bestowing inappropriate gifts, usually to ingratiate themselves or to prove how wealthy they are--then return these gifts to the giver or exchange them without apology.

This culture teaches very young kids that they must have all the same toys as their friends, that they must always keep consuming to an obscene degree, that they must have an endless stream of possessions in order to be happy. Obviously this behavior extends into adulthood. Obviously this is negative, for so many reasons.

We have managed to do this in my family--it took a couple of years to really get the hang of keeping it simple. It's led to much happier holidays, with no angst about paying for it and wondering whether someone will really appreciate that lavish gift or not. It's well worth the effort. You will wonder why you ever let Christmas get to be an orgy of consumption.

[brer cat]

50. We will try again to get some of the relatives to do more

non-toy giving---you have some great suggestions that the children would love to receive. I just think most of the extended family think the number of toys is the only measure.

[etherealtruth]

46. Home made gifts

Special gingerbread people, made to look like the recipient. A handful of reindeer candycanes ... these are gifts, but they're gifts from the hand and heart. They cut down on the crass consumerism and are often things that can't be bought.

We have a large enough family that a cookie walk is possible (with artfully,and not so artfully, designed bags and boxes). We've even expanded the cookie walk to a "craft" walk ... the kids come away with beautiful baskets of all the "things" their heart desires ... hopefully, they've also participated in contributing to the family donations to the event.

[sandnsea]

48. Good thread

Chosen with a little thought - it would appear there's really no such thing as too many gifts, maybe just too many fads.

[tomreedtoon]

49. How about exchanging the gift...of service?

I've read about other families that have had kids inundated with toys, who don't truly appreciate them. Basically, it's making the holiday all about greed.

Some families have turned around this situation by having the kids provide service to others. For example, getting the entire family together to wrap and bring presents to people in hospitals or retirement homes or orphanages. Let the kids dress up in holiday clothes and give the presents directly to the giftees, so they can see their gratitude. These reports say that, after some initial awkwardness, the kids actually look forward to this holiday activity.

Perhaps it might require a little lecture to the kids about the real meaning of the season. And perhaps it might mean the parents might have to come to some decisions about their own lives and how they experience this season too.

There's been a lot of talk on DU about how Judeo-Christian ideals are not incompatable with liberal beliefs, in fact that they inform those beliefs. Well, this would be a good instance to exercise those ideals and put the beliefs into action.

[elehhhhna]

51. Don't forget the kids gift-giving...

we found that a trip to the Dollar store so the kids could shop created some great results. The gifts they buy for family are hilarious and pretty thoughtful. Watching them make a big mess out of wrapping the stuff is also pretty funny.

I guarantee that the gifts they select, wrap and give will be the hit of the party.

[malaise]

52. I had the same problem with two nephews.

I was pissed at the number of presents they were receiving and the way in which their parents failed to make them realize that others received zilch. Instead when they were 11 and 8 respectively, with the parents' permission, I took them to visit a children's home on Christmas day and to select one of their gifts and give it to a child who had much less than them. They were annoyed at first but they love me enough and were young enough to agree without too much noise.

I was truly surprised at how much they enjoyed that afternoon. They still talk about their first experience at the home. Before they left I gave them some money. When they reached middle school I stopped giving them presents and gave them cash based on their report cards. One year the older one got straight As and was screaming with laughter as his brother didn't do that well. The next year they both cashed in. My approach motivated them to do their schoolwork.

I give them clothes now - they're all grown up and both are in college. Every year they still give away one gift to a children's home or they buy a gift and give some poor kid on the mall. They also donate cash to homeless people.

Nothing is wrong with giving them gifts but they must learn that they're better off than others and must learn to share.

[Evoman]

53. When I was a kid (I am 27 now) my parents were too poor to buy me Christmas gifts.

We would only get something nice every 3rd or 4th Christmas. Most years, we would get a sweater or socks. Sometimes I got nothing at all. And you know what...I not only survived, but I don't resent my parents at all. To this day, I could really give a shit about Christmas present....when I get anything, even though my gf and her family insist on giving me way too much every year, I still feel surprised and kind of weird. My gf's nephew...they get about a bazillion presents each, and don't seem to care at all about many of them...its just like..."cool *put aside*, NEXT....". I just don't think its a good way to raise kids...but what do I know.

My point is simply this...any cutback in presents may seem temporarily hurtful or whatever, but long term your children and grandchildren will appreciate it more. I guess it comes down to..."Heaven today, hell tommorow" vs "Hell today, Heaven forever". It will do no psychological damage to them long term.

[jmm]

56. Kids are more resilient than people give them credit for.

I'm certain this is a bigger deal for the adults in your family than the children. It's not like kids are born expecting gifts. They learn about material possessions and expectations from adults. If they're led to believe they're getting gifts and don't at the last minute then yeah they probably will be confused and disappointed but if it's explained to them before hand and an emphasis is put on the positive aspects of a special outing then they should be fine.

Having said that gifts don't need to be about materialism and if they're still getting toys, electronics, etc at home then to a certain extent they are still learning to be materialistic.

[mentalsolstice]

57. We eliminated our 36y.o. niece last year and she had a fit!

She acted like she was 3 years old. We've had a policy for several years to only give to children.

Even though she knows she's getting ready to send her son off to the marines, she bought a Hummer, and still thinks BushCo is gawd.

Bitch!

[Missy Vixen]

64. I fully understand why you chose not to give her a gift

>We've had a policy for several years to only give to children.<

The people I object to, though, are the ones who expect lavish gifts for their children and "only buy for children" in return. We don't have kids. We are very fortunate. At the same time, some homebaked cookies, a bottle of wine (or even a sincere "thank you") would be a very kind thing.

We also have a sister-in-law who expects an expensive gift each year but will not spend a dime on anyone else.

We've significantly cut down our Christmas gift-giving list this year.

Julie

[mentalsolstice]

67. We don't have children either...

...but we take joy in the tiny ones, and not so tiny ones in our family. Our niece's brother (my husband's nephew) has a 1 y.o daughter and a 21 y.o step-daughter (who we are extremely close to, very smart, cool kid), he and his wife did not get a gift from us, but the daughter and step-daughter got very NICE gifts (giftcards for clothes) from us, because we figured that was where the need was, and it was VERY MUCH appreciated. We likewise gave a very NICE Old Navy giftcard to our niece's son (he was 17 last year), thinking this was where it was needed. We got ripped for it from my niece, sister-in-law and my father-in-law. Mind you, the niece has been a heroin addict, and last year was the first time she showed up straight, and she has only showed up maybe twice in the last six or seven years. But now she has her ridiculously right-wing former "former addict" husband who critiques bumper stickers, etc......... and she's expecting "rich" (hah!) aunt and uncle to pay up, as do her mother and my father-in-law.

Where do people get off thinking because you don't have kids, you're rich and you can fulfill all Christmas fantasies?
We married when I was 36 and he was 49...we don't have kids because we didn't have high-powered careers and wouldn't have money (in all fairness) for all the expenses, and didn't want to look at college tuitions etc. well into our 70s and 80s. But it feels like a majority of our relatives want us to "pay up" for not having kids.

This year we're getting the last laugh...we're screwing "X-mas" and buying ourselves a trip to Banff, Canada for the holidays (Dec. 23-Jan 2).

okay... end of my rant about being childless...

[tigereye]

58. grab bag?

it's sad that sometimes kids get so many things that they almost can't appreciate them!

[zanne]

59. I used to give expensive gifts to my nephew...

He's 11. Last Christmas, I got him a gift that cost me alot more than I could afford. By the time he got to my house on Christmas morning, he'd already been to two others and had two Christmas gift openings. Anyway, when he opened my gift, he looked at me, all disappointed and said petulantly "I already have this". I said "Well, now you have another one". My gifts to him from now on will be under $20. I love him, but I won't stand for that kind of greed and rudeness. (His mother thinks I'm a monster).

[elfin]

60. I always give books or fun jigsaw puzzles about things they like

for the younger set...I vowed NEVER to get them ANYTHING that uses batteries.

Go to jigzone.com for traditional puzzles - they have some good ones you don't often see in stores.

As for grandparents - depending on your income, you could add to or start a college or after high school fund and then one modest gift.

I also like the special day trip idea, with them being able to buy one souvenir with a price cap if they want to - or just keep that money if they don't.

I am always the one who gives too much - we never spent much during the year and then went nuts at Christmas. It gives me great joy to give things I KNOW someone will love -- but have come to appreciate that it makes some feel uncomfortable even though I truly do now expect anything in return. But I stick to modest things for the kids. Last year my favorite gift was the pop up dinosaur book for each family with kids plus something for the grownups. This year I am looking for just one gift for those families with my nieces and nephews - perhaps a cool game maybe from Europe that hasn't made it here yet --- and NOT available at Walmart or Toys R Us.

[brer cat]

66. That's partly what we are trying to avoid!

The greed that we allow children to have, and people giving more than they can afford is nuts!

[rug]

61. Grinch.

[Fuzz]

63. My two daughters are the only kids on both sides of the family

(so far anyway).

They are 6 and 10 and we have had this problem as well. Way too many things, toys (especially toys that make an obscene amount of noise).

We've had to tell everyone to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop with all the toys, they have way too many, don't need them and eventually don't appreciate all that they have, and don't, or can't take care of it all. They each have a room and a 'play room'/guest room that are full of this crap and most of the time you can't even walk in any of these rooms, it's disgusting.

We have done a couple things to combat this.

1. My in-laws are from the Philippines and we have the kids fill boxes full of toys and clothing for relatives and others over there who are less fortunate. And we make sure they don't just select the stuff they don't want, and they have gotten pretty good at giving. We do this a couple times a year.

2. My wife's company has a bulletin board this time of the year where there are local children who are in need of something for the holidays. My wife picks some of the names and the kids buy a toy for each of them. This year, my oldest got a gift card from Target for selling Girl Scout cookies and without even being asked, told or even having it suggested to her, she used it to buy a board game for one of these kids. I felt good about that.

3. I suggest to people that good gifts are books, educational materials and games and even funds for their college education would be great gifts. Having a large family, on my wife's side, sure, they still get toys, but being honest with them has cut down on them considerably.

4. We make sure they give, and are involved in picking out, buying (they get money for chores), wrapping and giving the presents to others. This way they get the pleasure of giving and not just receiving. We have found that most times, they don't even get around to their presents because they love to get the presents to other people because they had a part in the process.

It's tough though.

[hedgehog]

65. There are several problems here:

1. Too many toys? I try to give the kids toys that can be added on to without cluttering up the joint. Depending on age and intersts, that could be Legos, train sets, Thomas the Train or Brio, doll house furniture, art supplies, ... you get the idea. The family could group their gifts around a theme such as this.

2. Making the saeson one in which the family draws together for a good time? You have to work on this year round. We always looked forward to the presents we got at Christmas, but just being with the grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins was wonderful because we saw them a couple times a year and always had a good time.

3. Celebrating religious heritage? If you save this for Christmas - good luck! Make sure the kids are at church every Sunday, attend religious education classes and that religion is part of your every day life. Do this and keeping Christ in Christmas comes naturally. Fail to do this and I don't see how you can get Christ into Christmas!


BTW - my kids feel sorry for their cousins who get fabulous presents for Christmas and often take fantastic vacation trips at Christmas. Because of all the trips, the cousins have rarely celebrated Christmas at home and being unchurched, they have no real reason to celebrate.