DU women please respond: I'm sad and I need some advice

[hsher]

I need some advice on how to deal with an aggressive woman living for free in my and my roommate's house.

The principals:

Me, age 38, employed, paying rent
"Bob", age 55, employed, owns house
"Shelly", age 53, unemployed, not paying jack

I have lived in Bob's house as a paying roommate since January. He and I also work at the same office: him full-time, me part-time. Bob is lonely. At times he has subtly made romantic overtures to me, but was politely, gently rebuffed. He seemed to take it well. We remained friends.

Spring and summer, 2006, Bob invites an unemployed male friend of his to stay for a few days. He tells me after the fact, after I discover male friend living in our den. "Oh," says Bob. "This is my best friend Art. He's going to be staying with us a couple of days." Art stays instead for weeks. He snitches bits of my food, but what really bothers me is going into the bathroom to take a shower and discovering Art used all of my soap. It is an expensive, kind of difficult soap to get, and will take me an effort to replace. I tell Bob. "Sorry Heather." I get an uneasy feeling around Art. He looks creepy and he stares at me. I get the specific feeling he's been in prison. I ask Bob if that's true. Bob denies it and thinks I am paranoid. I fear leaving my computer unprotected while I am at work, because Art seems very interested in it. I work in terror and panic every day fearing when I come home my PC will be stolen and pawned somewhere. One night, while Art is "visiting friends" a man fitting Art's description breaks into Bob's car and phones him in a drug daze threatening him "I dare you to go to the police." Art moves out shortly afterward. He appears again throughout summer, visiting for weeks at a time.

Summer, 2006: Bob invites a strange 50-something woman he "met tonight at a seminar" to stay for a few days. He tells me ahead of time this time. The woman is intrusive, loud and strange. I get weird, creepy vibes from her and avoid her. She leaves after two weeks.

October 2006: I learn from Bob that Art made a confession to the police and was summarily arrested for several instances of theft. Art is put in a mental hospital on suicide watch. Art moves out apparently for good.

Fall, 2006, now: Bob invites another strange 50-something woman he "met in Ft. Sumner at Dr. West's office" to stay for a few days. He tells me ahead of time. Shelly gives off weird, deranged vibes and smiles at me too long, too brightly, like she's on meth. Bob falls in love with Shelly. Shelly starts acting hostile towards me. She eats my food, locks me out of the house. I tell Bob this worries me. Bob: "Gee, I'm sorry Heather." Shelly asks if she can use my computer, saying quickly and dismissively, "I just want to use it so I won't have to use the one at the library." The library, meanwhile, is like two blocks away. I used it when I first moved here and my computer and stuff weren't shipped over yet. I say OK to be nice. Shelley prints out a bunch of emails. When I look curious about how many, and how much ink she's using, THEN she offers to pay. I say no, that's OK, but don't use it again please. Shelly spends the day hanging around me while Bob is at work. I am trying to gear up for my workday and she follows me around the house harassing me in a loud voice wanting me to sympathize with her about some story the emails are connected with - seems she's in trouble for stealing and misusing Dr. West's laser equipment in another town, when he CLEARLY TOLD HER NOT TO. She shows me the emails, trying to make him look evil. He's right there in the emails telling her NOT TO USE THE LASERS. I point this out. She looks at me like I'm an idiot and says, Well, yes, but..." and so forth, rationalizing her theft. I peg this woman as someone who has a problem with the word NO. Now I am scared of her. I try to avoid her as I get ready for work, but she follows me back and forth from room to room "Don't you agree with me this guy is an asshole? He this this and this. He that that and that." 35 MINUTES PASS WITH ME HAVING TO TALK HER DOWN OFF THE ROOFTOP, and I go to work drained.

I tell Bob this later. "Sorry. Gosh, wow. My guests really get on your nerves."

Shelly, with Bob alone, asks for my telephone number "because Heather is so nice and I want to get her help with a letter against Dr. West." BOB. GIVES. THIS. LUNATIC. MY. PHONE. NUMBER.

I tell Bob that's it, I'm moving out. He acts all apologetic. Nothing changes. I'm looking for a new place. Meanwhile, Shelly becomes openly hostile towards me and is "competing with me for Bob." She cleaned up the house, made decoration changes, has all her stuff in the hall and is moving all these boxes in, and sneers at me across the kitchen. I'm like, wtf?

What do you guys think of this and what should I do?
Am I right to be kinda pissed?
Thanks for all answers. I'm down and blue because of this, and I need you guys tonight. :(

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I would get out NOW...

This is horrifying........

Get out now........it feels dangerous to me...

Kinda pissed? You got it.......and then some! :nuke:

Call in sick to work tomorrow, get a mover over there, and get the hell out...

You need a safe place to stay...so you can't do it all at once.

I'd even consider living in a motel for a week just to be safe.

Use the week to find another apt. or whatever....

But do not delay.

[blondeatlast]

20. I couldn't agree more. Get out ASAP. nt

[Missy Vixen]

29. I agree with CP -- get out NOW

>I'd even consider living in a motel for a week just to be safe.<

I don't know what your financial situation is, but there's nothing like peace of mind. Bob and his friends are a danger to you. Call in sick, pack up your stuff, and get out TODAY, even if you have to live in a motel or "extended stay" place for a week.

Julie

[KitchenWitch]

2. Get out of there as fast as humanly possible

And change your cellphone number.

[SeattleGirl]

4. Good idea on changing the cell phone number.

:thumbsup:

[SeattleGirl]

3. You are absolutely right to be pissed, not to mention scared.

I'd be feeling the same way, and wanting to get out of that situation asap. Bob and the people he brings home seem to have a real problem with boundaries and privacy. Wish I could help more, but I've got an ear and a :hug: for you.

[Maddy McCall]

5. Be pissed all you want. Bob owns the house.

And I don't think he stated in the rental agreement (did you even sign one?) that he'd forego a lovelife, or seek your approval of any potential mate, for as long as you were a tennant of his home.

Really--all the details don't matter. You can be pissed, but at the end of the day, Bob owns the house. If you don't like Bob's guests, then move out.

[hsher]

8. I should clarify, the house is not "his" exactly...

Not sure why you're defending these people, but... let me clarify: the house actually belongs to my boss, "Rachel". who is a good friend of mine and isn't too happy with how Bob has run it since leasing it to him. Bob pays money to Rachel, I pay money to him. Also, I said I was moving out.

Edited to add: I don't care or want to "approve" whomever he dates. I just feel whomever he dates should not IMPACT ME AND MY PRIVACY, BELONGINGS AND LIFE. A) It's Rachel and her husband Joe's house technically, not Bob's, and B) I pay money to live there. As a paying roommate, I feel having to watch my back and hide in my room to avoid my roommate's visitors is OUT OF LINE. That's all.

I **am** moving out. I talk to the next prospective landlady Tuesday.

I feel kind of sickmade and worse after reading your post... it felt kind of mean.

[Maddy McCall]

12. I'm not defending anyone.

Another detail emerges, though. So the lease is in Bob's name. And you are "subletting" from him. Unless your name is on the lease, he still has the right to decide who he allows to stay as a guest--and with whom he has relationships.

Sounds like you've taken this problem to Rachel--you say that she "isn't too happy" with the way Bob runs things. Why isn't she kicking Bob out, if everything you've said here is true?

Didn't mean to make you feel worse. I gave you my honest opinion--which, it appeared, was what you had asked for.

[hsher]

14. Sorry for that

I'm just feeling over-sensitive right now. I'm having to hide in my room to keep the bad energy of this away from me. I'm being made to be the bad guy by Shelly right now. It's made me crabby and sad. God knows I saw what it was like having no money and staying with people, when I was a teenager. That was a bad scene. But I was raised to have as little environmental impact as possible when a guest in someone else's home. It upsets me every guest Bob brings over makes massive environmental impacts and is allowed to make paying residents uncomfortable. And yes, Bob, has a history of lending himself out, being seen as a pigeon, and being used. Many people have used him; he seems unable to learn from it.

Yes, Rachel dislikes some things about the lease situation to Bob. She thinks he kept the lawn, etc., shabby-looking. She also knows how he is. She feels sorry for him but wisely steers clear of it. She's helping me look for a place, btw: it's been very helpful.

I understand about my name being on the lease. BUT: if his guests damage, misuse or steal my computer, doesn't that in turn make Bob legally responsible?

Then why not for my emotional distress, by that reasoning?

I'm just venting here. I plan to move ASAP. It's already in the works. But I'm just furious at being disrespected and invaded like this, repeatedly, and being cast as the villain just because I have working boundaries and said the word no. She didn't like it from Dr. West, she didn't like it from me, and I have a feeling Dr. West may sue her for the theft of his equipment. All that is fine. I just want both these people out of my lifespace. That's all. Sorry if I was oversensitive :(

Rough night :(

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. Bob and his "friends" are crazy, and you really need to get out of there.

I mean, right now. Protect your computer and your stuff, not to mention yourself, and make arrangements to move out ASAP. These people are very weird, and not in a good way. That's about the only thing you can do, since it's Bob's house and you can't control his and his strange friends' behavior.

[XemaSab]

7. You have a perfect right not to live with whackos

including people your roommate brings home.

Find another place to live.

[Jean Louise Finch]

9. Move out

It sounds like a very unpleasant living situation and I reckon you'll be a lot happier out of there. It sounds like Bob is not the right housemate for you. It's fine -- that happens all the time with housemates. Time to move on!

[Bullwinkle925]

10. Unless you enjoy the drama - you really need to leave.

ASAP. Don't fool around with this for another day. Stay in a hotel or with a friend - put your belongings in storage (should you need to) and find yourself another place quickly.
Good luck.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

11. Keep looking for a new place.

You don't need any of Bob's strays in your life.

Maybe Bob feels sorry for them, which is really sweet until they walk all over him. If you stay, he'll most likely continue inviting them, and others like them, to share his home, which will continue to make you feel uncomfortable...at best.If you move out, there's a chance you can remain friends with Bob, while remaining in his home will place a strain on your relationship.

You're doing the right thing. I understand your anger with Shelly; but try to avoid putting any more energy into it...It's not worth it. She sounds like a person who is emotionally unstable. I would avoid conflict with her. In fact, the less interaction, the better.

I hope you find a nice place soon! :hug:

[Nicole]

13. I would seek temporary shelter elsewhere

You already informed Bob you're moving out. Shelly probably knows this too. If they couldn't respect you & your things while you were a roommate, they will probably be even less inclined to do so now.

I would go stay with another friend, family or a hotel until I could rent another place, preferably far from these creeps. If that's not possible, at least remove your valuables since you can't keep an eye on them while at work.

[Connonym]

26. I have to agree with Nicole

You should find a temporary place to live right away. She seems unhinged and she's got nothing to lose now that you're leaving. I would guess that she also has drug issues. It's too bad that things turned out this way but even if Shelly moved out, Bob would likely bring in some new leech before long. Please play it safe and leave now.

[hsher]

15. Thanks all, I'm feeling less alone now about this

I've begun an earnest apartment/house search, and luckily I have money saved for a deposit. It galls me I have to pay Bob rent Monday, but it's good karma and the right thing to do. Of course I know how this will all end. Like it always ends. Bob will have drawn in yet another weird moocher lady who takes his money, uses him, dumps him and disappears. He's done it a hundred times. I've seen about five instances of it since knowing him; mutual friends have told me the other 95 sad stories.

He asked me how to go about finding his soulmate, since that's a subject I'm interested in. I told him I was striving every day to become the best soulmate myself. He told me haughtily he "doesn't need to do that," as all his inner work is finished because he's accepted Jesus. O... kay...? But because he refuses to do the inner work, he's going to continue to attract bad eggs who use him. He won't go to therapy, won't open a book, won't introspect. Put a felon, a con artist or a crazy lady in his path and his brains fly out the window. I note these things sadly because I cared about him as a friend.

The solution is clear: move out, build some distance, remain distant friends, and wish him Light.
Thanks to everyone for helping me deal a little better with this.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

16. This is why I live alone.

Hope it works out for you, hsher.

[Skittles]

17. Shelly, Bob, Dr. West , Art, they all need an ass-kicking

come to think of it, so do you for putting up with this garbage. GET THE F*** OUT OF THAT HOUSE.

[Sugar Smack]

18. Grrrrrrl. I have lived with some real psychos.

All I can say right now is I wish you the very best. The smoothest transformation, no matter what anybody says. I know what you're talking about, and I really feel for ya.

Please take care of yourself and to hell with the rest.

[leftofthedial]

19. move now

if not sooner

man, I rented some stinker places in Albuquerque back in the day, but this is not a healthy environment.


Oops. sorry. I'm not a DU woman . . . but still . . .

[Porcupine]

23. Do NOT pay rent to this asshole. Use $$ for large U-Haul and storage unit

and get out ASAP. Any of the incidents you describe could result in police involvement and losing your JOB. Get your stuff out in ONE trip/load. I've seen people lose all manner of valuable items in hostile move-outs.

Seriously, a police incident could result in your job loss. The fact that you are subletting a room tells us you cannot afford this. Please consider the implications of continuing to stay in that house. It also sounds like Bob has a drug problem.

[Evoman]

21. Kill her....kill her before she kills you!!!!

No...really. You know what you have to do. Run like fucking crazy and never look back.

[Gelliebeans]

22. get out as quick as possible

:crazy: :scared: :crazy:

[sbj405]

24. I think you already know the answer. The problem is not Shelly, it's Bob

Accelerate your housing search and get the hell out. In the mean time, if you have valuables get a lockbox or take them to a trusted friend or locked storage facility.

Life is too short to surround yourself with whackos. In fact, surrounding yourself with whackos can shorten your life.

[Kire]

25. If your neighbor trespasses against you once, rebuke (her),

if she trespasses against you twice, tell someone. If she trespasses against you a third time, leave the church.

[carlydenise]

27. Find a different apartment with a different roommate

Your current roommate has brought in his friends to live with you guys more than once, it will occur over and over again. Why put yourself thru this? Get out as soon as possible, you won't regret it.
Carly

[cwydro]

28. Get out of there woman!

I haven't even read all the other responses yet, but you need to get out.

[soleft]

30. Good luck with your move!

I hope you find a safe haven soon!

[gmoney]

31. Loneliness is blind...

Sounds like Bob is desperately lonely, and any woman who offers him attention will enchant him and blind him to huge obvious character problems. Any woman "charitable" enough to respond favorably to his romantic attention will be seen as "misunderstood" or whatever and be given the benefit of the doubt. (And to a lesser degree, males who appear to offer potential for friendship.) Sounds like your presence has saved Bob from being robbed blind by these various hangers-on, and if you do leave, have a talk with Bob and tell him to be careful.

[Patiod]

32. Looks like you've already made a sound decision

Taking action and looking for a new place, and getting out of there quickly.

Hope your next situation is a better one :-)

[ElsewheresDaughter]

33. if you have formed it into a question, you alredy know the answer too

sounds like it is time to move on ...just my $0.02

listen to your intuition...always pay attention to your spirit

wishing you all the happiness and peace your heart can hold :D

[raccoon]

34. Get out of there ASAP. Bob sounds like a codependent

"man who loves too much."

Who needs this kind of crap in their lives?

Best of luck to you in finding a new place.

:hug: