To break off ties or not to break off ties?

[HEyHEY]

So, das-ex is coming into town for Christmas. I went to visit her a couple weeks ago and we had a great time and naturally ended up... sinning. Anywho, nothing's changed with how we feel about each other, I just told her I can't wait any longer for her to get her head straight before she can be with me. So I'm going to see other people.
So, she's coming in town for two and a half weeks. And we both admit we enjoy snuggle time (Every man on DU just lost respect for me). But there is a dilema in if we should allow this, even if we have a no-sex pact. I don't want to have sex with her because if I'm seeing other people and sleep with her it kinda reduces her to a booty call, which she most certainly is not. And she doesn't want sex because it may make things harder.
But we really enjoy just cuddling together and seem to play an important role in each other's security and emotional comfort.
So, what say you... should we avoid the cuddling? Or not worry about it and just enjoy each other while we can?

[Madrone]

1. Every man on DU just lost respect for me

No, dear. Every BOY on DU just lost respect for you. Every MAN and woman just gained a whole lot. ;)

I'll let everyone else hash out your question for you.

[Phillycat]

2. You will end up doing it.

Guaranteed.

[ceile]

4. Yep. What she said. n/t

[raccoon]

21. Yep. Playing with fire. nt

[HEyHEY]

6. Well, I assume she won't be able to resist me

Which is what happened the other weekend. Though according to her it was MY fault... phfff. Why do women always blame the man? All I said was, "Do you wanna make out for a bit?" Two minutes later she says, "Do you wanna do it?"
Who's fault is that?! I ask you?! WHO'S?!

[texas1928]

15. It takes two to tango.

So... I am just saying.

[JVS]

18. Not guaranteed. He should end up doing it, but it might not happen.

I'd say the guarantee is on a continuation of a frustrating situation.

[Phillycat]

19. True.

Either way, it's going to drag it out.

[JVS]

20. I detect a less positive mood from HEyHEY in his references to "das-X"

I am beginning to think that we will see a demonstration here that if you don't break off cleanly with someone because you don't dislike them enough to do the clean break, you eventually will get fed up, and he/she will become your enemy. Or to put it in the form of a question: How long can you let your friend torture you before you are no longer friends?

[cwydro]

22. Yep

I'm with you. Been there, done that. :P

[idgiehkt]

3. I think it will work itself out.

Even though it might be more painful than just a clean break. I'm sorry things aren't working out the way you wanted...I know you really tried.

I mean, if you say just cuddling, and end up sleeping together, and then have to go through the thing of 'but we really aren't together' and all that, over and over, eventually it will get too painful, and you'll stop. That's the slow hard way, but speaking for myself it's the only way I know. :hug:

[HEyHEY]

7. Yeah, well.... it's a big tough crock of shit

I think that because after this I have no plans to visit her up there again and she won't be here for a while, it's not going to be a problem.

[idgiehkt]

9. I'm sorry

It's for the best, I guess. Your princess is out there, it just might not be her. Or then it might be, someday, just not know. I'm kind of in a moderately similar feeling state myself...I want it to be one thing but I don't know what it really is, or what it's role or purpose is in my life, you know? May be something nice, may just be another f*cking growth opportunity, as they say.

I know it's been a struggle for the two of you and you gave it your best shot...I'm sorry. :hug:

[Bum Whisperer]

5. When playing with fire...

...expect to get burned. I like to snuggle and whatnot, as it does increase the desire. If you're going to cut the ties, cut them and leave it at that.

[hunter]

10. Before I ever dated I used to play with fire and explosives and rockets...

The kind that can kill you. I once had to ask my brother to pick shrapnel out of my back and butt after a bomb I was running away from went off a little early. I switched to wires after that and never used fuses again. My mom asked what happened to my jacket and I told her I fell in a rose bush.

Anyways this prepared me well for dating. Women liked me because I was a safe snuggle. Of course some of them would immediately go off and have wild monkey-swinging-from-the-trees sex with my colleagues and roommates, but after those brief sexual relationships had gone all bitter and permanently burned out, I still had friends who were comfortable resting their heads against my shoulder on long car trips or at the movies, or skinny dipping in the ocean.

I had two relationships go wrong, and leave me with a lot of shrapnel in my butt and scars on my heart, but it wasn't because we'd been "playing with fire." It was never a case of sexual desire overwhelming common sense and concern for another person's well being.

In fact, sex is never overwhelming, that's just an excuse people use. If you don't believe it, maybe you've never had a wide eyed three year old walk in and surprise you asking "What's doing?"

That's just something to think about if you're ever feeling "out of control." :evilgrin:

My mom's approach to sex and birth control was brutally direct. At an early age we knew in explicit detail how babies were made and the risks involved. My mom also promised she'd adopt any kids me or my siblings produced if we couldn't take care of them. (She's a "choose life" sort.) The simple threat of having another sibling, and the thought of my mom parading around yet another kid like she was some sort of fertility goddess mostly kept our pants on, and at the very least made us thoughtful about birth control.

As it turned out, I was a successful gentleman. I'm happily married, I've got two kids, and sex (as my wife's mom told her kids) is fun.

If sex is likely to ruin a friendship, don't do it. The key to any stable relationship is to be friends.

[Schema Thing]

8. Sounds to me like if you are together,

you're going to cuddle. And if you cuddle, you're going to have sex.

Also sounds like any negatives from that are only potential negatives, and that's not enough to stop either of you.

Have fun :)

[tigereye]

11. just have fun

you still care for each other....

[matcom]

12. BOOTY-CALL!!!!

:bounce:

:thumbsup:

:rofl:

*ahem* - I'm probably NOT the best one to give you advice here :D

[SlavesandBulldozers]

13. my favorite part

is where you said "which she MOST CERTAINLY is not". Hehehe. Hokay whatevah. But whatever you do, don't expect her to get her head straight, a) because there should be a limit to your self-deception and B) because you are simultaneously -sinning- her while claiming you don't really like her because she's a little crazy.

Trust me, BEEN THERE.

[HEyHEY]

14. I've not claimed I don't like her

In fact it's the opposite. I'm totally buttheels in love with her. But, she needs some space while she works out some seriously fucked up shit. I was waiting, initially, but then couldn't take the stress anymore.

[SlavesandBulldozers]

16. gotcha.

so she needs some space. and you want to snuggle.

believe me, i know the feeling. going thru it right now. except im not buttheels (lol love that) in love with her.

[JVS]

17. Yes you should avoid the cuddling!

"cuddle bitch(n) - a guy who never gets to sleep with a girl but gets to have intimate moments with her like cuddling, spooning, or otherwise being affectionate. Usually this will occur in private. She probably considers him a really sweet guy, which is the kiss of death."

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/manifestations.html

[hunter]

24. Nothing like a guy you can drag around by the gonads...

Um, that would be the guys who use terms like "blue balls" and "cuddle bitches."

I'm a very sweet guy, except when I'm not.

:evilgrin:

[JVS]

26. A person with blue balls is being dragged around with the same part.

It's just a less happy trip.

[hunter]

28. I've never had "blue balls" in my life.

Am I missing something?

If it isn't some story guys make up to get laid, I think it's something that only happens to guys who are overly serious about sex, and have some unreasonable expectation or anticipation that sex will happen.

If I was a woman and some guy seriously complained about "blue balls" to me, not in some obviously silly or playful manner, I'd chase him off with a baseball bat if necessary because I'd be thinking date-rape would be a very real danger.

I was always fortunate to have girlfriends who could laugh and say something like, "Oh, stop that!" when I myself was uncertain about their boundaries. In real life I tend to be frightfully uncertain about peoples' intentions and I might have got into some real trouble if I'd ever had a girlfriend who wanted to please me, for whatever reason, at the expense of her own emotional well being.

It's all about respect for yourself, and your partner.

[JVS]

29. But the idea of not being a cuddle-bitch is also about

Basically it's saying "I refuse to provide for the needs of those who will not provide for my needs"

[hunter]

31. And how does this relate to sex?

I mean really... there are needs, and then there are needs.

Any guy can buy a magazine, lock himself in the bathroom, and have sex.

Hell, a lot of guys don't even need magazines.

:evilgrin:

[BlueIris]

23. ...egh. I cannot advise the visit if'n "the issues" aren't resolved yet.

Also, I think she's just coming to visit you because she doesn't actually want you to see other people. When you do start seeing other people, and eventually sleep with one of them, and she finds out, particularly if you two have slept with each other by that point, she's going to be hurt. So, I'd avoid contact with her.

[meegbear]

25. Friends with benefits ...

enjoy it!

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

27. Stay away.

If you're the one saying she needs to get her head screwed on straight, you need to be strong and make sure she does it. Cuddling = coddling in this case. Coddling will not help matters in the long run.

[hunter]

30. You know, I'm one of the most cynical, pessimistic, SOBs here on DU...

... I'm pretty sure environmental catastrophe is going to kill off most of the human race unless we get our act together quickly.

Yet some of the posts here still astonish me.

If I know anything, it's that relationships in which both partners are honest and upfront with one another work. Things fall apart when partners start lying to themselves or one another.

[Merrick]

32. Snuggle (and sin) away

I've gone through a seemingly identical scenario as this, and first of all, I agree with the first responder who said you'll end up doing it, and if you don't your fortitude is impressive yet misplaced (IMO). You obviously have strong feelings for each other, so why not do what comes naturally and enjoy each other in the fullest for the present while letting the future come as it may? If it's meant to be it'll happen, while if it isn't and you meet someone else who you like as much or better while her head still isn't straight then you can move on and before long the girl you formerly thought you couldn't live without will become a fleeting, albeit fond memory. Ultimately, only those who espouse the celibate life can be assured of not being hurt by love, and suppressing your natural instincts for the sake of playing it safe epitomizes the conservative mindset. Bottom line - in such matters I say stop thinking so much, follow your heart and let the pieces fall where they may.

[undeterred]

33. Cuddling! What are you a GIRL?!!

:hi:

[YDogg]

34. I vote for sitting in separate chairs and watching old movies in your PJs.

After that, I dunno. I got nothin'.