"Gee Marge, everything looks bad if you're gonna remember it" -- HJS

[Padraig18]

To: The American Electorate
From: George Bush

Subject: Resume - GW Bush


RESUME

George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, DC
USA

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine in
1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled
guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended
for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and
is not available.

MILITARY: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went
AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions
about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard,
I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University. I was a cheerleader.


PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas in
1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in
Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all
my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart
deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our right-wing friends
in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay),
I was elected Governor of Texas.


ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil
companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the
most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the
tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any Governor
in American history.

With the help of my brother, the Governor of Florida, and
my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became
President after losing by over 500,000 votes.


ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing
cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted
the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit
in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies
filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the
history of the U.S. stock market.

I am the first president in U.S. history to enter
office with a criminal record.

I set the the all-time record for most days on vacation
in any one year period.

After taking-off the entire month of August, I presided
over the worst security failure in U.S.history.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical
Bunker Buster," a WMD.

In my State Of The Union Address, I lied about our reasons
for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips
by a U.S. president.

In my first year in office over 2-million Americans
lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in
a 12-month period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration
than any president in U.S. history.

I set the record for least amount of press conferences
than any president since the advent of television.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history
and refused to intervene when corruption involving the
oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and
support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops
and their families -- in war time.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide
to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million
people) shattering the record for protest against any
person in the history of mankind.

I've broken more international treaties than any
president in U.S. history.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the
richest of any administration in U.S. history.
My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has
a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I am the first president in U.S. history to order an
unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation
of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the
United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and
the world community.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest
bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United
Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners
of war" detainees) and thereby have refused to abide
by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first president in history to refuse United
Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for
receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my
best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest
corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history. My political
party used the Enron private jets and corporate attorneys
to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during
my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron
and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More
time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the
biggest corporate ripoffs in history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World
Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the
U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest
failure of diplomacy in world history.

I am first president in history to have a majority of
Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat
to world peace and security.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals
to be awarded government contracts.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring
Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein to justice.


RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are
now in my father's library, sealed, and unavailable
for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider
trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in
secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my
Vice-President, attended regarding public energy
policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
public review.


Please consider my experience when voting in 2004.

:P

[underpants]

1. Ran the formerly bin Ladan family owned Cater-Air

into the ground as is his wont.

[terrya]

2. Bravo, my friend!!

I'm going to copy and email this to some misguided friends of mine who still have this weird, bizarre positive image of the spoiled, grown up frat boy in the White House.

You put it beautifully. Thanks!

[Padraig18]

3. I got it in an e-mail.

mail away! :)

[Padraig18]

4. Shameless self-kick

:)

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

5. Remove the part about Saddam.

It's no longer technically accurate, so it could be used to discredit the whole document.