I made sort of a glib remark on my possibly returning to work this month. I have posted previously about my battles with mental illness, so I will not go into a lot of detail on that subject; the original thread is here:
http://tinyurl.com/3y6w6My psychiatrist will probably be releasing me to return to work. I don't currently have a job, so I'd have to find something new. And I'm scared to death. Many of the issues I've dealt with are getting easier to cope with thanks to counseling and medication, but there still are situations that cause reactions, ranging from severe anxiety to psychotic episodes.
My biggest problem is the anticipation or contemplation of the situation. Most of the time, I do okay once I'm in the situation.
Here's an example. Last night, we went to visit a friend of my wife. I've seen him a couple of times but don't know him at all. And I spent most of yesterday petrified because I am very uncomfortable going into a stranger's home and then staying there a couple of hours.
So we went, and I was okay for a while. Our host wanted to play the game "Risk" and we started, but by then my anxiety level was getting higher and as the game progressed, the physical symptoms began: my rocking back and forth, rubbing my arm and not looking at anyone. We finally got to a stopping point to eat some food, and I stated I didn't want to play anymore. I didn't want to be rude, but I was getting to a point where I couldn't stand to be in that house any longer. It's just me. My wife's friend is a nice enough guy. But when I don't know someone, it seems to trigger or set off specific anxiety-related reactions. We ended up staying for three hours.
So now I'm faced with possibly having to return to work. And I dread the process, not to mention the fact of what I'll do if I do land a job.
I know I need to take it one step at a time, but I'm just scared to death, and have no idea how I'll handle something like a new job. I have the hardest time waking up in the morning, and there are some days where I do not want to leave the house.
I do plan on discussing this with my counselor, and am hoping we'll come up with some techniques I can use to conquer this fear. I don't have to start looking for another week or two, but I know I'll be sweating it the whole time.