How Would YOU Handle Catching Your Spouse in Adultery?

[GOPS Worst Fear]

??????

My brother has been enabling his alcoholic wife's habit for almost 11 years now. For the past year he has been unable to work and is trying to get on SS disability. Of course he was turned down the first time and was told the other day that it may be another 3-4 months before he would know whether or not he will get his SS. During the past month now his wife has been virtually cut off from her alcohol because they have no money except her disability check coming in every month for rent and electricity. Up til now I have had to work overtime to help them get food in the house. Here's the just..

The other day when my brother was told it may be another 3-4 months..that was when his wife took off down the road with a guy she never met and slept with him for a bottle. The marriage is now over and my brother is now living with me. My wife and I are so angry at this woman who had virtually ruined the last decade of my brother's life. We now also believe she is on drugs now as well. We can't understand why my brother doesn't hate his wife's guts. Had it been me I would be hating her. We do. Having gone through divorce twice myself I know going through it is like going through a death..as you have to go through the same 5 steps to get past the emotional pain of the divorce. Anger is one of them and while he hates what she has done, he doesn't show the anger.
My question to you is.. how would You handle it if your wife/husband cheated on you?

[TahitiNut]

1. It's happened to me twice ... both wives.

How did I handle it? Not well. Not well at all. :shrug: Practice does NOT make perfict.

[Lerkfish]

2. not the same situation, but it happened to me with my first wife.

She cheated on me in a weak moment. It was not easy, but we worked it out and stayed together until years later when she passed away.

it all depends on whether the love you have can weather the strain. The indiscretion itself is of no consequence, really. Its the trust issue that looms larger.

Was I angry? sure, you bet. But I loved her more than I was angry at her. I don't regret staying with her one bit.

[GOPS Worst Fear]

4. Trust is no longer there if the Spouse Cheats.

How can you ever get past the indiscretion to ever learn to trust her again? You are indeed a much stronger person than I would be. I admit it.

[Lerkfish]

12. like I said, it wasn't easy, but the love we had for each other was greater.

I know it doesn't make sense to someone outside the situation.

Now, if it had been a full-blown longtime affair, then I might not have been able to do it. But it was one moment of weakness. I can forgive that.

[Blue_In_AK]

17. With my ex, I NEVER trusted him...

...I just assumed he was going to fuck up. It made it a lot easier to deal with that way.

[itsmesgd]

3. don't do it yourself. call a private investigator

Pi's can be brought in at any point in the breakup/ divorce regardless of what has been said by each party. If your brother wants to protect any assets that he or they had, he should get a pro. Even if he doesn't have any assets, he needs protection in case she trumps up charges or allegations against him.

btw.. I'm a licensed pi, not plugging myself or soliciting business, but giving advice that I give people on a regular basis. Find someone you can trust who can rec a good atty or pi. If you have any other questions on how to proceed, post or shoot me a note.

Good luck, It can be one of the hardest things to be expected to go through in life....Been there myself.

[Parche]

5. handle

I guest I would join in too????
Or is it happening only on National Orgasm Day??

[Cleita]

6. I guess I would try to find out if in fact our marriage was over or

if it was something we could work out. In the case of your brother, I think the alcoholism would be enough for me to end the marriage unless she's willing to admit her problem and address it in a meaningful way. I believe a legal separation would be in order as long as she is willing to try rehab and pull her life together. However, if she isn't willing, then I'd say a divorce is in order. It seems he has too many problems of his own right now to be dealing with hers.

[Az]

7. Love

It leads to many different paths. Depending on how dependent he is on her he may look to himself for the blame for this situation.

As to how I would recommend dealing with the problem thats entirely dependent on how positive the relationship was prior to the infidelity. From what it sounds like in this case I would not categorize it as a healthy relationship. He sounds dependent on her. As a result he cannot seperate his sense of selfworth from the relationship. Not healthy. Not good. Not a lot you can do to immediately snap him out of it either. You are just going to have to be there for him and not set yourself up as the enemy by bad mouthing her. He has to figure out she is bad for him on his own. What you can do is lay down ideas and notions of what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. Guide him in a way that is positive to go. But focussing on what is currently negative will just drive him away from you at this point.

[nashville_brook]

8. happened to me last year ... almost to the day

at first i felt sorry for him and felt we could work it out in therapy. a month later i realized that he had crossed the rubicon and left the house, thinking it was a "separation." it took another month and a coast-to-coast roadtrip to realize i needed a lawyer -- but i STILL wasn't angry.

i'm just now starting to sort things out in a manner that doesn't include me blaming myself.

[Vox Acerbus]

9. Wow, I honestly don't know...

I have been married for three years.

My husband has always said that the only unforgiveable sin is cheating. He's extremely serious about it, having been burned by girlfriends on more than one occasion. I am too, having been in the same situation.

Honestly, if I caught him cheating I'd change the locks that very day and file papers the next. Both men in my family (my father and my brother) have been cheaters and I have serious issues trusting because of this. If he breached the trust that I have given him, after I've experienced firsthand the emotional anguish of cheating in my own close family, he would be out.

And it would be tragic on many levels, because he is such a wonderful man. I pray it never happens and personally hurt for people when I find out it's happened to them.

[Uben]

10. I've heard some honest answers here

What would I do? I would sit here down and tell her I have the love to forgive this indescretion, but she has to be sure she wants to save the marriage. If not, we will part ways.

I divorced my first wife. No indescretions, we just grew apart and the love and affection just wasn't there. I have now been married the second time for 11 yrs (the first one lasted 19). Both my wife and my ex get along fine, mainly because I married a marriage counselor! WHo'da thunk?
We are a perect match, but if someday she strayed, I would most likely give her the chance to atone. Finding a match is tough, and I would not be willing to throw it all away just because she had a moment of weakeness, if that is what it was. I love her, but I do not own her. She makes her own decisions. But, I'd bet my soul on her loyalty! She's that good!

[WorseBeforeBetter]

11. How is hating his "wife's guts" going to help the situation?

It sounds as if there's a whole lotta hating going on, and that isn't healthy. Based on what you posted, your brother needs to be in a non-toxic environment to focus on the divorce and moving forward. If the infidelity just occurred "the other day," it doesn't sound like enough time has passed for him to process what has happened and to work through the anger. He's probably in somewhat of a state of shock.

Too many variables are involved to answer your "cheat" question, but all the best to your brother. And hell, to your soon-to-be-former-sister-in-law. Hope she's able to exorcise some of her demons.

[villager]

13. got divorced

for me, the trust was extinct - and it'd been pretty rocky before that, anyway...

sad all around. I don't think she's as "elated" by her mister as she thought she would be -- i.e., the face in the mirror in the morning is still hers, and the guy she's with, well, we already know he screws around with married women...

[Zorra]

14. Walk away, and never look back.

If you are lucky enough to have a stash of cash, grab as much as you can and head for the tropics.

Why waste your time with someone you already know you can't trust?

[Blue_In_AK]

15. My ex did that kind of stuff...also under the influence

I took it for a long time, but I finally had enough ... along with all the other stuff he was doing. "I'm sorry," only cuts it for so long.

[Lone_Star_Dem]

16. It sounds as if the infidelity is a symptom of a larger problem

One he's lived with for a long time without outwardly expressing hatred. I can imagine he's learned to suppress a great deal of his feelings by this point. It could even be he's become so effective in numbing his feelings that he has a difficult time acknowledging them, even to himself.

Az makes some very good points in his post above. You should be supportive emotionally and provide loving guidance. What you don't want to do is badger him with her faults, he'll have to comes to terms with those on his own. Instead, reinforce his positives as an individual and give him a ready ear when he needs someone to listen.

[xchrom]

18. alcoholism is the issue here,

it's a family disease.

you and your brother need to get to alanon, now.

[conscious evolution]

43. Good idea X

[izzie]

19. I guess it would count what type marriage one had.

--

[ForrestGump]

20. I was brilliant

I have more intution on tap than she credited me with and that, combined with my researcher's ability to Find Stuff Out, led me to uncover some really quite mind-boggling things she'd bene up to. Hercules Poirot and Sherlock Holmes would have been proud of me. I'm not going to give details here, but she really did her thing on a grand scale.

On the one hand, my doing it myself -- this investigation -- could easily have led to a very unhealthy obsession; on the other, when it became essentially a research problem that I immersed myself in, it kind of depersonalized her transgressions and probably helped me rebound from what was, before I began unearthing the whole story, a situation that was (probably literally) killing me. I had the power, at last, and that included power over myself. It changed my mood for the better, somehow.

To skip to the punchline, I flew to another country to bust her, based solely on my gut feeling that I would catch her in the act, and I was right. I will never forget the look on her face when I showed up at that door...

[nini]

21. Throw his sorry ass to the street

Who the hell needs someone who supposedly loves you that would do that crap?


Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, once it's shattered it's over.

[caty]

22. One word: GOODBYE!

If I can't trust him, I can't respect him. I just can't love someone I don't respect.

[Guava Jelly]

23. How about catching her working toward it.

Well I would lose over 50 lbs,Find someplace where there were people who would listen to me and give me advice.
Even if i didn't care for what advice i may have gotten at times.
Then i would drive the place nuts for about 8 months straight with my sob story.Become an emotional wreck and a drama queen.
Then I would eventually come to peace with the situation.And then Ahhh? wait a minute this is cutting to close to home..
never mind :7

[Oeditpus Rex]

24. Can't say

One should consider all the circumstances. I don't believe in "zero tolerance."

[Ariana Celeste]

29. Absolutely.

There can be so many factors involved. Every situation is different. I think there's a good chance I could forgive and heal depending on the circumstances.

[NaturalHigh]

25. D-I-V-O-R-C-E

No questions asked, no discussion, just hit the road.

Frankly, though, I'm not surprised that your brother still has feelings for his wife, as devastating as her betrayal is. That's pretty common, as is some self-blame, in the beginning.

[leftofthedial]

26. F8ck the mailman.

Give him a dollar.





Your brother needs to work through the emotions. I found after a decade of misery with my ex (though no adultery that I'm aware of), it was almost identical to working through the stages of grief, like someone had died. I'm still not "over" it, but at least life is moving forward again.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance

[Book Lover]

27. Heal and move forward. I'm in it for the long haul. (nm)

[ieoeja]

28. It's just f---ing.

I didn't care that much. It was when she decided they were in love that it became a problem. He naturally disappeared the day she told him she was asking for a divorce. He was an absolute stereotype player, and I must admit I lost a lot of respect for her as a result of her falling for his bullshit.

I probably would never have left her, but once she left me I wanted things FIXED before getting back together. But in her mind everything was my fault. So we ended up split.

I *did* recently help her buy a home. And her child is now living with me as she tries to get her life back together. Apparently leaving me causes women to completely fall apart.

Which is, you know, understandable, me being such an incredible person and all that. :evilgrin:

Okay, I'll admit that I kind of enjoy seeing her miserable after leaving me. But, really, I'd rather she were happy. She's screwing up her kid for one thing. And he doesn't deserve that.

[Rabrrrrrr]

30. Forgive her. Probably leave her, depending on the context.

If it was your brother's context, I don't know - I would be tempted to leave, but also tempted to get her help.

Probably, though, after being alcoholic that long and clearly not wanting help, I'd sever that relationship and go elsewhere.

[judaspriestess]

31. Their perception is their reality

of the relationship and what is acceptable and what is not. It depends on the people in the relationship. With one of my ex's it would have probably been game over but with the person right now, maybe not so fast. Maybe the couples are ok with an open relationship or maybe they are not but its their busines how they handle the situation and the reality of the outcome.

[sakabatou]

32. Truthfully, I wouldn't know.

[fudge stripe cookays]

33. Blow his brains out.

I don't take rejection lightly.

:evilgrin:

[barb162]

34. Counseling, and if that doesn't work, separation and/or divorce

With no money, can your sister-in-law get counseling for her drinking

[u4ic]

35. I did have to deal with it

I was completely enraged (not violent, that I am not); called and confronted him at work, had my bags packed when he came home...flipped out on him when he got home, he apologized and said he wanted to stay together, he'd get some therapy (he had some other things to work out, too)...I'd never seen him move so fast on anything; by the next day he already had an appointment.

When I finally calmed down (sort of) and began to think a bit (I couldn't have moved out right away anyway), we decided to have a sort of 'probationary' period to see how things continued, as I had then did a lot of reading (his wasn't a long term affair) that some did find healing and forgiveness.

We eventually went in for some couples counselling as well.

It didn't work out in the end, but we both grew immensely from the relationship. It didn't come without a lot of rage and hurt and tears.

We're still friends, by the way.

I suspect your brother is feeling rather powerless right now, with the other issues in his life. Once he starts to feel a bit more empowered, I bet he'll find the anger. I really do feel for him.

[skygazer]

36. Sounds like adultery is the least of their problems

I find it interesting that for 11 years, he's lived with her alcoholism but the icing on the cake was her sleeping with someone for a bottle. If that's not some kind of cry for help, I don't know what it is.

Look, love and hate are both complex emotions. You say he's been enabling her for 11 years - what happened then is kind of a logical extension of it all. I'm not saying that makes it right - it doesn't. But it sounds like an extremely dysfunctional relationship on both sides - you can't enable and enable and expect the alcoholic to somehow decide to stop drinking. Why should they? They have it made.

Possibly your brother loves his wife (ex), even with her problems, and just didn't know what to do to make it better (who the hell does? That's a tough situation). Pehaps he feels guilty himself for her alcoholism (I'm not saying he should but that's common in these situations).

Anyway, what I'm saying is this is more than just a cheating wife situation. It's someone with a terrible problem doing desperate and wrong things to get a fix. She wasn't looking for a sexual thrill, it sounds like. She was looking for booze.

Personally, I feel sorry for them both. What a rotten life.

[Redstone]

37. Tha'ts something I don't have to worry about. I'm a lucky son of a bitch.

Mrs R doesn't have to worry about it, either.

Redstone

[SPKrazy]

38. Part Of Me Thinks

I'd feel relieved!

But ultimately I know that it wouldn't make anything any easier than it is and that to think it would is well, insane.

:-(

[SKKY]

39. Call me shallow, or whatever, but there is no way in hell I could ever...

...continue in the relationship. Once I was cheated on, and the girl spent months and months trying to convince
me that it could work out, that she still loved me, yada yada yada. In the end, I just cannot get over it, and I
I don't think there are enough marriage counselors in the world to convince me otherwise. I'm very faithful, and I expect
the other half to be so as well. And if they can't keep up their end of the bargain, they're out the door. Period.

[ForrestGump]

40. I admit to being resistant to counseling of any kind, even going to the

doctor, but I finally gave in -- after two years of the damage having already been done by her over an extended period -- and grudgingly went to a marriage counselor in L.A. to at least go through the motions. Obviously I was not open to the idea and had already made up my mind long before -- I knew, and didn't need anyone else to tell me yay or nay on that knowledge -- that the marriage was once and for all over and done with. But I went, basically just to be able to say that I did it and secure in the belief that I was my own best marriage counselor in this case. I only agreed because the woman had seen my inlaws professionally and was able to get my father-in-law, a Hollywood bigshot type, to actually shut up and behave himself (something I've never heard of before).

As it turned out, my admittedly nonconstructively closed mind about our marriage wasn't the problem, because my wife outright lied to the therapist to make herself look better and I ended up fighting with her much of the time, as a result. I was telling the truth and nothing but the truth and she was damned well lying to the counselor, right in front of my face...I don't know if she truly believed the stuff she was saying, or not, by that point. But I don't see the point in seeing a counselor of any kind if you're going to lie to them (she'd also lied when she went in for a session with my inlaws and probably lied to her various therapists over the years). To be fair, the Hollywood/Beverly Hills side of her family is all about appearances and they'll lie by reflex just to make themselves look somehow 'better,' even to strangers they'll never meet again (she's not as bad as them, having largely grown up more on the fringes of it all, thank goodness).

Anyway, that was my experience with marriage counseling and it lived down to my worst expectations, and then some. And, even though I liked the woman and was impressed with her abilities, I still got the feeling that -- as the one who was determined to formally dissolve the marriage -- she was putting me on the defensive. I get the very strong impression that many (most?) marriage counselors seem to be biased in that, by default, they'll pull for the marriage working out and everybody giving it another try when, in fact, some unions are better off terminated. To me, now, when someone talks about going into marriage counseling I take it to mean that they're most likely going to be persuaded by someone that they should patch up their marriage, no matter that such may set them up for even more spectacular failure.

If I ever got married again, I doubt I'd be in a hurry to accept the idea of counseling, based on my natural disinclination to do so (and a parallel feeling that a third party isn't likely to fix, even seeing it from another perspective, what is wrong with a relationship if we can't already solve it within ourselves) and on my experience and what I have seen and heard of others' experiences. I do know, however, that if I were to consider counseling I wouldn't wait until the relationship was to the point at which it was all over...

[LaurenG]

41. It happened to me

It was a bad thing, it crushed me and until I actually knew about it I had no clue.

I said; choose now, her or me, and if you choose her pack what you need for a few days and leave, you can pick up the rest of your stuff between now and the divorce. If you choose me prepare to live in hell and the therapists office for quite a while.

It wasn't something that was swept under the rug and the trust issue was the greatest hurdle. There will probably always be a part of me that can't quite trust now because of it but I was determined that if it ever happened again there would be no coming back.

Why live a lie with someone who can't be honest and who really doesn't want you anymore.

I'm willing to face what I need to face no matter the pain, I knew I'd be fine with time.

Life is like that, it will slap you down hard and you can choose what direction to take, it takes courage to be brutally honest and still honor yourself.

[carly denise pt deux]

42. I would forward make sure he got my new address ........

so he knows where to send my alimony check
Carly