Has Anyone Sucked It Up During An Awful Relationship Just To Get Through?

[Sideways]

I am still mired in an awful and hurtful and messy situation with my "partner" but I am finding it increasingly difficult to be civil because every time I just let him have his way he thinks it means everything is OK.

Things are not OK and he knows it. He is just manipulating the situation to avoid conflict. And when I am nice and decent (even though he does not deserve it) he doesn't behave honorably and accept my decency he abuses it.

The details are complicated but I am abroad and I need to secure a few things before I leave him. Like getting my fucking passport back. Don't say go to the embassy, I need this shit head to keep his job. If I go to the embassy all bets are off and I have no cushion to fall on. Don't say family as they are just fucking clueless and have the "pull yourself up" mentality.

Just want to know if anyone else has endured the fucking unendurable of being with a shit that you would love to be rid of and how you coped. Thanks I'm sinking here.

Mary T

[supernova]

1. Well,

I think you've got to decide how much it matters to you that "he keep his job".

Sometimes you just gotta go with the clothes on your back.

[Jack_Dawson]

2. Holidays are over...time to break up

You made it through the worst part. Now days are getting longer, spring is coming and if you're going to bail, now is the time. And yes I've sucked it up plenty of times to get through.

[Dirty Hippie]

3. I tried to stay with my husband

until my childern were grown. Then he tried to kill me so I left with the clothes on my back and two little kids. I've NEVER looked back. Best thing I ever did. Even without the violence, leaving him gave me my life back.

[RadioFlyer]

9. Wow

>>Best thing I ever did. Even without the violence, leaving him gave me my life back.<<

Just wanted to repeat that. That is the truth.

And yes, I've seen men do the same thing to get away from a manipulative woman as well.

[jimbo fett]

4. When I was younger, "Yes" but the older I got the more I wouldn't put up

with shit or play games.

There are too many people out there and life's to short to stick with a loser.

I know that probably doesn't help much but for what it's worth...

[supernova]

5. They don't change

if they think they can still feed off you.

Sometimes leaving is the best way to deal with it. It definitely changes their concept of the balance of power.

[Susang]

6. Does he have your passport?

Would it be possible for you to claim that you lost your passport in dealing with the embassy, rather than letting them know he has it (doing this without his knowing about it, of course)? When I was touring in South Korea, our band leader had our passports, for "safe-keeping" he told us. I know how nerve-wracking it can be to feel trapped like that. Do you have anyone at all there that you can trust?

[Warpy]

10. Great advice!

Silly you, you "lost" your passport, it was in a purse that was stolen at a big party, no, you didn't go to the police, the place was mobbed, you have no idea who might have it.

Other than that, I'd say GET OUT NOW. It's essential to get away from these creeps before they destroy you in more ways than one.

[Lars39]

7. Is there a time-frame involved?

Knowing how long you must endure could help keep you civil long enough to get out. :shrug: Thoughts are with you. :hug:

[Sideways]

12. Thanks Lars Yes I Am Looking At Just A Few More Months

It is all dicey today but in a few weeks I will be in the UAE with my passport (hopefully) then I can get a job and leave him.

The trick is getting him to behave rationally so we get to the UAE where things are much more lax than in Oman. This is where I need to keep my cool. Much easier said than done when dealing with a fucking class A ass hat.

Keep me in your thoughts.

[Lars39]

16. Will do, Mary T.

Keep your cool, and if I may be so bold, your own counsel. You never know who might accidentally open their mouth and mess your plans up. He doesn't know about this forum, I hope?

[RadioFlyer]

19. Oh, I see...

I thought you might be in the ME.

In that case, you MUST put your emotions in your pocket. Take them out when you're free to feel them. But now you must be strong, and cool, and smart.

It is useless to strike out or react emotionally, no matter how unfair, unjust, or untenable the situation is. If you keep cool, you can get out.

And remember, clear your internet history and cache.

Good luck to you...

[RadioFlyer]

8. Yikes

Mary, I have been there, although not abroad. If things are that bad, and you're more or less trapped abroad, get your passport and get out. Screw his job. I left a terrible marriage (no physical damage, but plenty of emotional damage) with only my dormant business and an absolute pittance of child support to take with me. I did not have any "marital" money. If I could make it, so can you. You'd be surprised at the strength you can summon if you really need to.

It doesn't sound like you have a child in the mix, and that's good, given your situation. It gives you much more mobility and freedom. Do your partner have your passport? Are you in a European, Asian, or Middle Eastern country?

You may need to live in a more pared-down way until you get out from under economically, but many people have done it, and so can you. Once you get back on your feet, the pride you will feel in yourself will be amazing.

Someone (man or woman) who is manipulative, and (let me guess) passive-aggressive will not suddenly respond to your acts of decency, and will not fulfill your hopes that they will. They basically have you in the place where it's easier for them to do what they want, and act as they want. You're just smoothing the way.

How did I cope? I planned ahead. And there is something to be said for "pulling yourself up", because in the end, you are your own best resource. Emotionally, don't ride every emotional wave up and down. Keep your head down, keep your focus, and don't lose it. Don't lose your nerve. If your current situation is how you want to live the forseeable future, then stake your every breath and heartbeat on this schmuck. If you want to live a better life, cut the emotional ties. If this person really loved you, they would NOT treat you this way. That is true, believe me. I've seen both sides of this, and once you get out of that gray fog, it's almost unbelievable when you see how a good and healthy relationship ought to be.

I went more than 15 years in a similar situation, and thought it was all my fault, and if I did things better, everything would improve. It's not all up to you - he's got more or less 50% of the responsibility, too, and you do not need to compensate for what he doesn't put into the relationship as far as respect. If you can, read a great book called "The Dance of Anger." Don't know the author - I'm sure you can find the author on Amazon, and perhaps it's available in a local bookstore.

I have never regretted leaving this relationship, and am only sorry that I didn't do it sooner. I think I didn't because he didn't think much of my abilities, and I had pretty much believed that.

It's not overstating it to say that when you decide to save your own life, you will, and you can.

Please let us know how you're doing, and good luck.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. As I recall, Mary T does have a small daughter

However, Mary T, since you are not legally married (also as I recall), your status should have no bearing on your partner's.

Does he have his passport in your possession or is it like Saudi Arabia, where your employer hangs on to your passport to keep you from skipping the country?

If the former, grab it while he's out of the house. If the latter, appeal to the U.S. Embassy. Perhaps have a friend back home appeal to a sympathetic Congresscritter or Senator to expedite matters.

(A friend of the family once needed to fly to Europe to claim the body of a relative who had died in an accident. He had no passport, but then-Senator Hubert Humphrey got him one in 48 hours.)

[supernova]

15. Great advice

Congressional staff are great at expediting Embassy hangups. :thumbsup:

[RadioFlyer]

17. Good advice

I would recommend to Mary that she get all the good, sound legal advice she can get - if online, clear the internet history and cache on her browser after EVERY session. This is crucial. Perhaps get a prepaid cellphone if they're available there. Skim grocery money.

You do have to go into that kind of mental mode if the situation is that serious, because if he's that controlling (and I don't use that term lightly), he will not be tolerant of Mary's rebellion. I was surprised at some of the stuff that he said and did when it became apparent that I was fixing to leave the plantation.

Any family/international lawyers out there?

[Sideways]

18. We Have A Daughter

And I love what you said. I fled 15 years ago from a rich abusive husband and it cost me the custody of my three children. The kids and I are fine today in fact it is brilliant. I found out I was pregnant when I found out my liar was a married man.

That this shit would come into my world when I just had it sorted all this past BS out is almost more than I handle. I have experienced doing without, I have lived without my children, I have moved on but to face this nonsense again because a weak man lied well I just don't know where to turn.

I am just checking in to make sure I have not gone insane.

[RadioFlyer]

20. You're Not Insane

>>That this shit would come into my world when I just had it sorted all this past BS out is almost more than I handle.<<

I'm glad that my experience helped a little. BTW, while there was no violence in my case, there was the threat of it ... believe me, I had to tiptoe verrrry carefully. It took a few years to make that threat less imminent.

One thing, though - your attitude will be crucial. I know that this is an extremely difficult situation. I felt like I was living in a war zone. I lost weight before I moved out because I couldn't stand to take in much in our house - it was like ingesting all the stress and tension in the atmosphere. The divorce diet. But... every minute, your inner attitude of "yes I can" will be THE crucial factor in your success. Everything else is details. And there will come a time - perhaps several times - when your resolve will be sorely tested, and your resolve will determine your actions. And it will be a split-second decision where you need to either act or hesitate. And your hesitation will be his power.

Just a side note: I am not a men-are-evil type. There are so many good men and women, as there are men and women who are not worth my time ... and those I wouldn't want to be within 30 feet of. Just that THIS guy is not acting with the honor and respect that he should. But perhaps even knowing that there are good people in your future will help you save your own life.

best to you.

[nostamj]

11. my problem wasn't getting out

it was getting him to LEAVE. that took nearly a year and was utter utter hell.

i discovered that he had more rights than I did! since he had more than a toothbrush in the apt. and had been there over a year... I COULD NOT change the locks and toss his violent, lying, cheating ass on the street.

i was forced to live with him... in a STUDIO apt! if it had been his apartment, i would have left SO fast... without a single glance back.

good luck!

[supernova]

14. Wow!

Sometimes I wonder how people cope.


I was the one who walked out. He could have the apt, the belongings (I didn't want anything that reminded me of the relationship around)

[greatauntoftriplets]

21. You're not insane, and you need to get out.

Why does he have your passport? Is it a legal requirement there or evidence that he is a control freak?

[populistmom]

22. Well, for me

My marriage has evolved into a sometimes hostile, sometimes friendly co-parenting/f*ck buddy thing.
I'm the last one to give anyone advice at this point.

[CShine]

23. "Sucked it up"?? Did you really say that on PURPOSE??!!

You KNOW what I mean! ;-)

[RadioFlyer]

24. Are you OK?

Just checking...

[cally]

25. Sorry things are so rotten for you

You are not insane but you are in a horrible situation. When is the move to UAE?

My husband and children had their passports stolen in Greece. We went the US embassy and got new ones withing 1 and a half hours. We did have copies of birth certificates but another person waiting with us did not and she got a passport in the same amount of time. I think it cost around $50 to $100 though.

[Undemcided]

26. Know how you feel.

I'm currently doing up our house so we can sell it and go our separate ways. Bit messy all round. :-(