Who here has killed themselves...

[RetroLounge]

{dark, depressing copycat...}

:scared:

RL

[Droopy]

1. I thought about it a few times

Luckily for me the power went out right before I dropped the plugged in toaster into the bath tub water. I took that as a sign from God and I've been happy ever since.

[Deja Q]

8. You mean that method actually works and is quick and painless?

:wow:

[Droopy]

10. I don't know about quick and painless

But I think it does really work.

Don't you go getting any ideas. I'll have to come up there to Minnesota and kick your ass.

[mzteris]

77. according to Mythbusters

it does.

[Deja Q]

88. According to other sites with real life testamonials,

it doesn't.

:(

Normally I'd do :) but the survivors wouldn't recommend others trying to toaster dance...

[mzteris]

89. gfci's do make a difference.

that's not a method that's ever appealed to me. . .

[DerekG]

31. The power went out? Are you serious?!?!

Please tell me if you're lying, because if you're not, you're probably the most blessed human being in North America.

There's a higher probability of you bearing a stigmata.

[Droopy]

37. LOL!

I'm just fucking around, Derek. I meant the post to be humorous, but I guess that doesn't always transfer well through the written word. But I got a good laugh because of you, though, so I guess I owe you one. ;)

[DerekG]

45. Anything to get you through the day, I suppose

Please realize:

1. I don't frequent this forum, so I'm not acclimated to personalities.

2. I've been witness to some strange stuff, so I wouldn't discount your bathtub story offhand.

[SPKrazy]

34. Wow, Just Wow!

that's wild droopy!

I'm damned glad the power went out!

:hug:

[graywarrior]

2. In my head, about twice a day.

[Mojambo]

36. 2 times is a good over/under for me

On weekends I generally make the over.

[zingaro]

3. a million times over...

thankfully, I've kept it mental.

[JVS]

4. The original JVS did. I got his computer and have continued using his account to this day!

;-)

[fudge stripe cookays]

5. Tried once, years ago.

Fortunately, I didn't succeed. Sominex wasn't quite as strong as I thought.

[slj0101]

6. To live, but that's about it.

[Deja Q]

7. Often, tried it a few times, changed my mind a few times...

Fortunately, there's always Ira_ to consider if things really go down the toilet...
:D

[Guava Jelly]

9. Parts of me have died.

But Parts of me needed to die

[RetroLounge]

11. I hear ya!

:pals:

RL

[crim son]

12. As a measure of my insanity last year, I can tell you that I tried two times.

I've never done anything like it before nor will I do it again. The first time I just fell asleep and woke up 36 hours later but the second time, in August, it was not so simple and painless. If anybody ever needs to talk with somebody about why not to kill yourself, I'm here for you. My reasons for despair remain but I will see them through. Nobody/nothing is worth killing yourself for.

[Guava Jelly]

13. You are not kidding about that!

I am glad you came to your senses :hug:

[crim son]

15. Well, me too.

Looking back, I don't know who that person was.

I'm sorry for what you've been through too. Sometimes I don't believe there has been any good lesson in all of this. Perhaps it's different for you. :hug:

[Guava Jelly]

52. There are lessons to be learned

I think the old addage "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" holds true.
If i didn't go through my ordeal.
I would still be overwieght have high blood pressure and nothing would be different.
But I got kicked in the balls and the rest is history :)

[wildhorses]

17. so brave of you to share your experience and to offer a

helping hand on this message board:hug:

[crim son]

19. Thank you wildhorses. I can think of no other meaning for the experience

unless it somehow gives me an insight that will help others. I truly appreciate your acknowledging that. :hug:

[wildhorses]

22. i too have had my bouts with major depression and continue to

fight it on a daily basis. i have fantasized about suicide but, in my mind it is just a place to visit and somehow i have never been able to 'choose' a method. when i get that low, i allow myself to 'wallow' in it for a time and somehow whatever it is that hurts...i finally get mad at it (or them as the case may be). in my anger i find the will to live just to show the sonuvbitches that they can't beat me. then i find a way to 'choose' to be happy. it is an ongoing progress and some days are more of a struggle than others. yes, it takes courage and i think you have more than you know. i hope this made sense. i think you are truly awesome and i like to see your posts:hug:

[SPKrazy]

33. That's A Wonderful Post Too

:hug:

I relate to it in many ways

[graywarrior]

18. That's pretty intense, crim son.

Glad you didn't succeed. I'd miss you.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

21. ...

:hug:

[S n o w b a l l]

23. You are not alone Crim son....

I could share some stories as well. I'm so glad you made it through.

:hug: :hug:

[SPKrazy]

29. This Dude Is Very Glad You Didn't Succeed

:hug:

[The Traveler]

39. Like what SPK said

here's another dude who's damn glad you didn't succeed!

:pals:

[BarenakedLady]

42. ....

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

79. You are right

Nothing is worth killing yourself over.

Please send me a PM if you ever so much as think you are nearing that point...I will give you a million reasons not to-- starting with your children. :hug:

[Wapsie B]

14. For many years I've died a little bit every day.

Depression is a bitch, but thank goddess for Wellbutrin.

[asthmaticeog]

16. Every commodity I produce is a little piece of my own death.

Does that count?

[RetroLounge]

20. Of course...

:hi:

and with every line of code I write for the man, I die a little bit...

RL

[otherlander]

24. Me.

By myself I mean the loud, happy freak who talked a lot and walked around barefoot singing classic rock songs. Yeah, I killed her. For my own defense, though. These people are like pirannahs. They smell the slightest hint of a smile from 20 yards away, latch on, and draw blood. :scared:

So now I'm the quiet freak who doesn't talk much at all, sits by herself and reads poetry. But it's okay. I like reading poetry.

[RetroLounge]

26. "But it's okay. I like reading poetry."

:hug:

I'm with you there...

RL

[otherlander]

68. Ginsberg and Yeats are my favorite poets.

I also really like Martin Espada. "Rebellion is the circle of a lover's hands..." :loveya:

I kind of miss the singing me, but she got yelled at too much by assholes wearing football shirts.

Oh, and I LOVE your daily poem threads. :)

[RetroLounge]

25. June 1st, 1990

In an alcohol- and drug-induced haze and a depressive blackout, I fashioned a noose out of a terry cloth robe belt, and hung myself from the shower rod.

Some hours later, in the early moning hours of June 1st, 1990, I "came to" talking on the phone to 2 people, my ex-wife and my father, one on each line, not knowing why I called them, what had been said, or why I was walking around my apartment dragging the shower rod by my robe belt tied around my neck.

The sheer terror of what I had nearly done woke me the fuck up.

That morning I drove to Chicago and began detoxing for 2 days at the home of my former in-laws and my ex-wife, who cleaned me up, fed me, watched over me, got me some phone numbers to call, then sent me on my way back to Milwaukee never to be seen again. They said it was the last time they wanted to hear from me. I went to my first 12 step meeting that next night and have been clean ever since. But it took an additional 15 years and another major emotiional crisis to get properly diagnosed and treated for my depression.

The thought of what I would have missed these past 16+ years. :scared: Damn...

So if you are ever considering it, please don't. Call someone. Get help. Go somewhere. Do anything else but. But please, nothing, nothing is ever worth it. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Every day since June 1st, 1990 has been a bonus...

RL

[BarenakedLady]

44. Oh RL...

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

56. ...

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

49. Glad You Screwed That Up RL

Not having you around would undoubtedly have lessened the lives of those you care about, and those who care about you!

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

55. Well, at that point in my life

I was screwing up everything I touched...

At least I was consistent :rofl:

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

61. No Shit

consistency is an asset!

:rofl:

glad you were consistent in not getting that right too!

:hug:

[momophile]

72. it's been a bonus for us too

I kept seeing this thread and kept passing by it because it was so morbid. But then I started to worry about you and decided to look closer to see if you had revealed your own story. I'm glad you realized it's not worth it, ever. Please take good care of yourself because we need you here, and your boy and girl need you too.:hug:

[mzteris]

82. geesh, rl

I'm so glad you failed in the first and succeeded in the latter.

I can't imagine DU without you!

:hug:

Suicidal ideation - such a fun thing. At least now it's permissible to talk about without fear of being locked up.

[Pied Piper]

90. Lump in my throat

and a tear in my eye.

Thanks for sharing RL.

We all have friends and acquaintances who share the path with us, then branch off onto their own, new paths, never to see them again. I know that several of my fellow travelers suffered from classic depression, and I sometimes think of them, 20 years later, and I wonder I they conquered their beasts, and if they still walk among us. Thanks for reminding me of some long-lost friends.

Pied Piper

[fudge stripe cookays]

91. Glad you're still with us, RL

November 16, 1986 for me.

A horrible breakup, with loud shouting and hysterical outburst in a college dorm, coupled with my father's death 5 years before, and my mom's fucked up relationship with the man who eventually became my stepfather.

Mike was my first serious boyfriend, and for a year, I finally had some REAL happiness and stability, but when I lost him, I lost the only balance I had.

Sounds like things finally fell apart for you right as I finally began to take control of my life. Everyone is on a different spiritual path, and all that.

When I think of the GREATER happiness I've know with reprehensor, I can never believe I was that stupid and selfish. But when you're in so much pain, it seems like nothing can ever be OK again, doesn't it?

Glad we're BOTH still here. :hug:

[Redbear]

27. Thought about it a lot in '06.

'07 is still pretty rough. but I am coping better most of the time.

[SPKrazy]

28. I Think I've Come Close

not recently, years ago when I drank and did "other things"

More recently I've had bouts of depression (hell make it one big damned bout!)

Have had thoughts from time to time over the years. I always come around to the fact that I don't want to give up this life no matter how much I get to feeling that it sucks.

I certainly can grasp the idea of how someone gets to the point of trying or succeeding.

I'd gone many years without even a thought of it until this past year. I'm not thinking that way right now, thank goodness. I have to remind myself that a temporary solution to a long term problem is not the answer, and it is very final at that. I have a son and I need to be there for him.

I know this is a "copycat thread", and don't know if it was intended as a joke or not, but it seems to have brought out some things that are not usually discussed on this board. I hope that is good.

:grouphug:

[RetroLounge]

30. See my post above...

:hug:

Sometimes copycats bring out some good discussion...

RL

[SPKrazy]

32. Indeed They Do RL

:hug:

we're a motley crue aren't we really?

:grouphug:

[ashling]

35. About 15 years ago I was going through

a real bd deppressive episode and finally figured out how to get control of my like and make my prescribed antidepressant actually work: take 80 of them at once. Then I went out and mowed the yard so that my wife wouldn't have to do that and so that it would get into my system faster.

I was in ICU for 5 days.

[Cabcere]

38. I've never actually seriously tried to kill myself...

but I've certainly thought about it. Wished for death, heck, even prayed for it because I felt like my life was going nowhere fast, but I couldn't bring myself to actually DO anything about it. And for a long time, I felt like a total p*ssy because of it. I think on some level, I really didn't want to die - I just wanted to get away, to just go to sleep for a really really long time and wake up when things got better. But I never tried to overdose, or hang myself, or anything like that. I did slash my left wrist a few times, but I think even that was rather half-hearted - I couldn't (or wouldn't) bring myself to actually get serious enough to do much more than break the skin. The last time I really did it, I finally drew blood, and it stung when I washed the cut. Somehow that made me feel...well, not really "happy," per se, but accomplished. I think I really did it for the scar, though. I cut myself because I felt worthless and I wanted to feel pain, but I also wanted some mark, some imperfection to remind myself who (and what) I was. And now, I have it - a two-inch diagonal line across my wrist/forearm, and I'm okay with that. I don't think I "love" it as much as I used to, or wanted to, or whatever...but it is a part of me, and now instead of "reminding" me that I'm a useless piece of crap, it reminds me that I have been through bad times before and survived, and that I am strong - that my greatest enemy is myself, and that I can conquer her.

Yeah. Sorry for rambling on about my teenage love affair with self-injury...but somehow, it seemed appropriate for this thread (? If not, I'll delete it or whatever). Peace.

[mzteris]

83. **go to sleep for a really really long time

and wake up when things got better. **

Boy do I know THAT feeling.

Sharing is what we seem to do here - sometimes crazy (good crazy) sometimes the most personal stuff you can imagine. We all have our good days and our bad ones. On the bad ones, this place really helps me to keep going. Welcome to DU, btw. I'm glad you're doing better.

[MsKandice01]

40. I have considered it but since I had my son...

I'd never be able to go through with it. Not in a million years. If I ever need a reason to live, all I have to do is look at his little face.

[The Traveler]

41. I've thought about

in one or two dark periods of my life. I guess the only reason why I never tried was because I couldn't get past the fact that this was an option that took away all other options. It was during that period of time that a friend of mine from Nigeria pointed out that no matter where you were, the world was full of opportunity for pleasures. The trick was to be open to the pleasures available to you right then, as opposed to the ones you felt you were missing.

This, coming from a guy who grew up knowing what it was like to go without basic pleasures like a full tummy at night really got to me and I began to try to open my eyes a bit differently to what was around me. Before long, that impenetrable fog that had wrapped itself around my head began to dissipate.

I armed myself against that darkness with all manner of things. I walked in parks, went to museums, let a crazy ass Sioux medicine man throw me into a sweat lodge and cook me to a turn on a regular basis, and all that stuff. After a while I was feeling better. In fact, I never felt better.

A funny thing about me is that I don't do any of that good stuff any more. Why? I blame it on the time taken by the job, the kids, all that stuff. But really, I think it is just laziness. It is easier to function like a good little cog in the corporate machinery than live wide open and full throttle. I realize intellectually, of course, that just sets me up for the next round ...

Trav

[SPKrazy]

47. Be Well Trav!

take care of yourself

corporate cogs are a dime a dozen, whereas Travs are a one and only!

:hug:

[The Traveler]

54. Thanks, man

You take care of you, too, eh?

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

62. I'm Tryin'

maybe I need a medicine man too?

hell something must work better than what I'm doing!

:shrug:

[The Traveler]

70. Bake SPK at 400 degrees

season with mud. Eject rudely onto the cold grass when he's done. Yeah. I can arrange all that.

:evilgrin:

Actually, the process does seem to do something for ya, but I have no idea why or how. I remember the first time. I didn't last in there very long, and when I crawled out and hit the grass I lay on my back and just watched the stars for a minnute. Then I started laughing uncontrolably. Deep belly laughs. This produced a lot of amusement from the Native Americans who were assisting on the outside.

Lemme tell when the water hits those rocks you think your hair is going to burst into flame.

[SPKrazy]

84. I May Get The Chance Sometime In The Future To Do This

a therapist friend of mine is looking into getting a "men's group" together and one thing we might do is a sweat lodge somewhere.

:woohoo:

[crim son]

59. But perhaps if you do face another round you will know how

to defend yourself. Your friend from Nigeria was right and unless you have had the experience of truly believing your life is slipping away you'll never understand how immeasurably wonderful are the small pleasures in life, let alone those major happy life events we experience every decade or so. I'm glad you found your strength.

[The Traveler]

69. We can hope so

And if that ever happens and I start acting all whiny and stupid, just slap me!

:hug:

[BarenakedLady]

43. Only in my head

Sometimes on a daily basis. However, I could never do that to my children. It would destroy them for life. I love them too much for that. Even in my deepest darkest depression, I can still feel that. Plus they all tell me they love me and give me hugs and kisses every day, so it's hard to forget. :)

[SPKrazy]

46. I'm Damned Glad For That!

I don't know what we'd do without kids, eh?

:hug:

[BarenakedLady]

48. Yup

They've saved me on more then one occasion. However they also drive me insane. So it's a toss up. LOL!!!

[SPKrazy]

50. Nahhhhhh!

it's no toss up

insane trumps dead!

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

58. Thoughts are just thoughts...

Your actions are what counts...

:hug:

Kids rock!

RL

[gemdem]

73. Amen!

Wake-up calls not withstanding, they've pulled me through some dark times (and unbeknownst to them, still do).

Hugs to all here. :grouphug:

[DerekG]

51. I would like to, but it would ruin the lives of my mother and sister

I want out, but not bad enough to wound family.

On the bright side, there's always more Russian literature to plumb.

[SPKrazy]

53. ...

:hug:

stay with us DerekG

[RetroLounge]

57. "there's always more Russian literature to plumb"

Hell yeah!

Always more, keep looking...

and stay with us...

RL

[Madspirit]

60. All the Time

I think about it all the time. I've only succeeded once.
Madspirit

[Cabcere]

63. *hugs Madspirit*

And a belated welcome to DU! :hi:

[xchrom]

64. for lack of what is found there...

[Spirochete]

65. Not yet

keep checking back, though...

[Evoman]

66. Never...have never even thought about killing myself. Although, I have wished every now and then

that I would be hit by a bus or something, just so that I would have some sort of excuse to get out of working or school. But just like a broken leg or something, lol.

Although if I had to actually feel the pain, I probably wouldn't be so damn eager.

[wain]

67. I did. Smoked. Cardiac arrest.

That was 12 years ago. Trying to be a little smarter second time around.

Sorry. I know this is not a serious thread, but you never know what you'll get!

:)

[Blue_Tires]

71. lol....every time i formulate a suicide note in my head

it ends up being a novel, and I figure that I'll never get it written in a reasonable amount of time...

then there is the house...no way am I leaving THIS mess for relatives to clean up after i check out

i guess you could call me lazy

[SPKrazy]

74. I've Thought A Lot About This Topic Since This Thread

I have found in this thread courage, pain, sadness, and a kind of comradery in the darkness of this horrible subject.

I thought more about my own dealings with the subject. I've dealt with it professionally, and personally. I've had friends kill themselves, clients and former clients kill themselves. I've worked with lots of people who've tried to kill themselves.

Personally I've come as close as I care to killing myself as I want to. I always thought that my son would be what kept me alive. I got to a point once where I decided that even he would be "better off" without me. At that point it was just me, the means, the plan, the note, and... I somehow decided that I really didn't want to die. I just wanted to stop hurting. I wonder if that isn't really what all suicide is about, to stop hurting.

I can look around and see people worse off than me in any direction I look. When I came that close to killing myself, I couldn't see anyone or anything but myself, and my own pain.

I've heard people say "I didn't have the guts to kill myself". I guess it takes a kind of "guts" to kill oneself. It also must take some kind of guts to not kill oneself. I do not want to sit in judgment of anyone who kills themselves. I just know that I no longer want to do that.

Yes, life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it sucks all the time. I think of the tragedies that people I've known have gone through. People on this board have gone through. People I know and love have gone through and are going through. Somehow, we all have much more in common than we have not in common with each other. The more we can embrace our sameness and get past our differences, the richer life gets and is for us.

Today I'm trying damned hard to embrace this life I was given. I don't know why I was given it. I don't know why some people don't make it. I don't know why a lot of things in this world happen. I do know that the more I can focus on what I can give back to the world, the better off I am. I know that the more I can actually do something for someone else, the less I focus on my problems and concerns. I know that the more I can get out of myself, the less concerned I am with the 'petty" things of life and the more I'm concerned with the world and the welfare of others.

I truly hope that anyone who posts on this thread, or posts on DU, or reads threads on DU will read through a lot of these threads as I have. There is so much humanity in them. People who have shared and bared their souls on a message board to try to help someone else. I'm in awe of them, and I so much respect these people today that I don't even know how to express it other than to say thanks to all of you.

SPK

[RetroLounge]

76. Thank you for this post...

:hug:

RL

[SPKrazy]

80. And You

my friend

:hug:

glad for shower rods that aren't well attached!

[somewhere_out_there]

78. God Bless you for the courage to continue...

and to find that the best way out of your problems is to help and be there for others. I am struggling with helping a grown child understand this. Not to get conservative on anyone, but Rick Warren said it best - it's not about you (me). It's about what we can do for others. Sounds kinda like the "Ask not what your country....." But it's so true. We are just a speck in time, and once we get past ourselves, our life is so much more. Yes, it would be great if none of us wanted for anything, but how boring. Thank you for sharing this darkest time, and for being an inspiration to others.

[SPKrazy]

81. Welcome To DU!

and I'm sorry you are having a problem with a grown child. And bless you too!

:hug:

[somewhere_out_there]

85. Thanks - it's too bad that we can't pass on life experience

to our children at birth and save them from the disappointments of life. Hope yours is getting better each day.

[Critters2]

75. That would make people who don't like me happy. So, I just stick around and make 'em suffer. nt

[mentalsolstice]

86. Survivor here!

I'm a survivor of a family member's suicide. To all of you here who have admitted to attempts, I appreciate your bravery in relaying your experiences. It's such a difficult thing to talk about, and unfortunately it doesn't get talked about enough. To those of yuo her who have thought about it...that's normal, I think we've all thought about it from time to time, I know I have.

If you're seriously thinking about it, please, please take advantage of your community's mental health resources! Call your loca crisis hotline. I've worked with people from our area's crisis hotline, and know something about their training. Calling them is definitely a good first step!

As a survivor, I can tell you about the hurt that is left behind. Unless you've been there, you have no idea of the layers of pain and years of dysfunction it can cause for those closest to you. The reason I chose not to have children is because I didn't want to pass down my family's dark legacy. If you're seriously thinking about it, please don't! It's one of the worst things you can do to your family.

[Shine]

87. My mother tried, twice, when I was a girl. My youngest sister has tried, too.

Heavy, I know.
Chronic depression runs in my family, but not down to me, thank goodness. I'm too much of an Optimist.
All the same, I have compassion for those who have found themselves caught by the darkness of despair.