When friends divorce

[scottcsmith]

A couple I've known a long time are splitting up. What a shock that was when my friend e-mailed me and told me she was leaving her husband.

Here's the twist to this: that friend is my ex-wife!

And now for the next twist: her husband is the guy she left me for!

I was married to her from 1994-1997. We were not compatible at all as a couple and it didn't take long for the relationship to sour. But our divorce was amicable and once we got that out of the way we resumed our friendship. When I remarried in 2000 my ex and her guy attended our wedding, and when she remarried we attended their wedding.

Oy vey. I feel bad for them both, but particularly for the husband, who really was crushed by this. He was wanting to set down roots and start a family.

I almost fell out of my chair when I heard the news. This was just so completely out of left field, I was not expecting it at all.

My ex wants me to meet her new guy, and I really don't want to -- at least not now. It just seems too soon, and I feel like I'd be stabbing the husband in the back if I meet up with the guy she left him for.

Life is too complicated.

[Baclava]

1. Small town?

She's not an Aquarius by any chance?

[scottcsmith]

4. Is 70,000 small? n/t

[Baclava]

5. Maybe...

My ex #1 is 2000 miles away...just fine by me.
The others aren't talking...

[SOteric]

2. Yep, life is complicated.

It's not that rare, though, to have an ex-lover as a dear friend. All of the men who've been important in my life are still very close and very dear friends, - save one. And I honestly haven't seen that one guy more than once in the past few years.

A sense of personal integrity helps maintain those relationships for me, and I can tell it's an issue for you as well or you wouldn't concern yourself so much with whether the ex would be hurt by your meeting the new fella.

You are taking sides, though, if you refuse to meet the new guy. Maybe the best option would be to meet the new guy and be brief and cordial. But to make a specific arrangement to spend some time with the ex-husband. Go out for a beer or go see a dude movie together, see a game, ...whatever. Make sure he feels like your friendship isn't tide to his failing relationship with your ex-wife.

[scottcsmith]

3. Thanks for the advice

Sounds smart and sensible to me. I've already floated the idea of doing a guy's night out sort of thing.