Online dating is not working anymore

[alarimer]

Or at least not for me. I can't figure out why. I don't even get responses usually to my ads. I can even spell and write in complete sentences (unlike some of the ads I have perused. Spellcheck is your friend) and I am not so terrible looking. I typically only get responses from men much older than me (say 10+ years). I prefer to stay within plus or minus 10 years. Otherwise, I feel like I am going out with someone too close to my dad's age (ewww!) or my brother's (also kind of weird but not in a good way). I am 38 so maybe that explains why I get so few responses. Maybe they are looking to have kids and think I am too old. Actually, too old or not, I am not interested in having kids. And I say so; there's no point in lying about that. I am starting to feel funny about being so close to 40 and still all alone. I have to tell you, it kind of sucks. But perhaps my personality disorders (LOL) really mean I should be alone.

I did see and interesting graphic in National Geographic last month that shows that my city has more single women than men. Now Houston and Austin are the reverse so I should probably move to one of those places.

[GirlinContempt]

1. 9/10 times the internet is a horrible place to meet people

unless it happens sort of... organically, and even then...
Internet success stories are passed around so much because they're so rare.

[alarimer]

2. That's what I am starting to think

I am not much of a joiner and don't really have a lot of friends so I have few other options really.

[jonnyblitz]

6. I have met shitloads of awesome gay guys via the internet

for some reason. :shrug:

[GirlinContempt]

7. You're a lucky one

I've made some great great friends.

[jonnyblitz]

8. ok. that is probably why. I wasn't looking for anything more

than friendship or hookups. this was mostly back in my aol days in the 90's. now i don't go on the prowl online.

[Radical Activist]

29. I don't know.

It can't be any worse than meeting a stranger in a bar. That's where the real horror stories come in.

[GirlinContempt]

37. I think it's worse.

At least meeting a stranger in a bar, it's harder for them to pretend.

[northzax]

45. but then I had a friend

who, at 30 no less, was the victim of an attempter drugging while watching Daytona. Alas, she ran out without getting any good identifying info from him, so we can't find him and beat the shit out of him.

[GirlinContempt]

46. She could have met him on the internet

gone to a public place and been drugged. The internet doesn't prevent attempted assaults, unless it stays on the internet, which isn't the point in most cases I think.

[northzax]

47. true, but then there is a record

emails, tracking and the like. here there is just 'joe'

never meet someone on a FREE site.

[GirlinContempt]

48. My point is

it isn't really any more 'safe'. Anyone who wants to lie (especially someone who's going to drug you) is going to be pretty hard to catch. Everythings a risk, I guess. I just find at least meeting people in person, it's harder for them to hide the slightly insane gleam in their eyes. :P

[Lydia Leftcoast]

3. I've tried Internet dating a few times, but the results were not good

I kept getting responses from married men looking for action on the side, nearly illiterate men who obviously didn't read my ad, and unclassifiably weird men.

I'll take my chances in real life, thank you.

[alarimer]

9. My chances aren't so good in real life either

seeing as how all I do is work and I don't really have a social life.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

13. Nor are mine

And since I'm self-employed, I could easily turn into a complete hermit. That's why I make a point of getting out among people. For me, it's taking exercise classes at the YWCA, singing in the church choir, and volunteering for things. When I had more money, I used to attend arts events. Your mileage and choice of activities will vary, but you need to find something that you enjoy that gets you away from work and away from the house and among interesting people.

Have I found a significant other? No, but I've met a lot of other great people, whom I look forward to seeing on a regular basis.

[idgiehkt]

11. that is my experience

what little there is of it, all I've encountered are the married one and the unclassifiably weird ones. Well, some are classifiably weird but I'm not interested in weird. So far I haven't encountered the illiterate.

[charlie and algernon]

4. i tried it too and it didn't work for me either

found eharmony is filled with lots of right-wing christians. the only girl that i had any chemistry i realized was racist and obsessed with marriage. Granted we both were very early 20s at the time and had never met in person. she loved to talk about the dress she'd wear, the church she'd want it in, where she'd go for her honeymoon and whatnot. it wasn't pleasant and i've decided that any flirtation has to start in person, not over the world wide web.

[hfojvt]

5. Rightwing Christians - you should talk

now that you're in the 700 club. :P

[Silver Swan]

10. I met my husband through online dating

But I was age 52 at the time and I lived in a very large metropolitan area....

I think if you are young, and in a smaller city, you get more responses from strange guys in other countries, etc.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. Some of these services have been accused of putting up fake profiles

to lure customers. Once when I had some free time, I decided to look at a few other cities, and I saw some VERY familiar profiles there--men from the Minneapolis section whom I'd written to who had never written back-- now claiming that they lived in those other cities.

[taterguy]

14. Post something really specific in your profile

The beauty of online dating is that thousands of people see your ad and you only need one good response.

Take a chance and post something specific that might intrigue the person of your dreams.

That's what my wife did and we've had several happy years together

[fudge stripe cookays]

17. I agree.

Sounds like we're in the minority, taterguy!

reprehensor and I met online, and are blissfully happy. Will be married 7 years in July.

[PVnRT]

15. No one wants to actually pay for the services

That's the problem. Most people just put a profile up then hope people contact them. Just pay for a month, or use a free trial, and contact as many men that interest you as possible, give them an email address to respond to (create a new one on yahoo or something to avoid spam) and see what happens.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

16. I did that

I still got the same assortment of married men on the make, illiterate freeper types ("I'm an imployed male that likes hunting and fishing and knows how to treat a lady"), and unclassifiably weird fellows.

I've tried personals dating, both on paper and online, off and on for nearly 12 years. In all that time, I met TWO men I would even want to be friends with, much less lovers. The rest were just...uh, well, I could understand why they're single.

The husband of a friend of mine looked at the personals in a local paper in Portland some years back just for fun, and his conclusion was that a lot of the women sounded interesting and creative, real individuals, while most of the men wrote ads that either made them sound boring and desperate or consisted of bragggin about their money and possessions. He said that if he were single, he could imagine contacting several of the women, but at the same time, he didn't see any men that he'd even want to be friends with.

Even looking at Democratic Singles, it's dismaying to see how many men write political tirades in the "Describe yourself" section. Uh, don't tell me how much you hate Bush. You'd be a Republican if you didn't. Tell me what makes you unique among the army of Bush haters.

Reading personals has contributed to my growing belief that there's something about American culture that makes men boring.

[PVnRT]

18. Good to know everything is our fault

:eyes:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

19. I admit that I'm fussy and that I'm not everyone's ideal woman

It's just that wherever my perfect match is, he's probably not at an online dating site.

[dysfunctional press]

35. my wife responded to my personals ad 18 years ago...

it was in the chicago reader, as the internets hadn't had all it's tubes hooked up yet...i listed one of my hobbies at the time as republican-baiting, and had no real posessions to brag about.

it was my 3rd time doing the ad thing- and i had gotten the same assortment of responses as you mention, except that- being a young guy, the first couple of times i was most interested in the married women on the make.

i was good at writing offbeat ads that got lots of responses, and even wrote some for friends.

[alarimer]

25. I think that is part of the problem

They have all gotten so expensive. $24.95 a month is ridiculous. Interestingly, I do see many of the same people on different sites.

[maveric]

20. I went e-Harmony and met the Lady of my dreams.

We are to be married in September.
But honestly, I've tried a couple other dating sites, both global and local with bad results.
Of all people, my ex-wife reccomended that I try e-Harmony. I did and got a hit.
The rest is history.

[Courtesy Flush]

21. Stop using dating websites

I know two married couples who met on the internet (including my mom), and I've met a LOT of nice people that way, though not from dating sites.

Maybe the dating sites are the problem. I'm happily married, and not looking for a hook-up. I've met friends through my favorite sailing site. Of course, they're all just friends, but they were ALL honest about themselves. They were honest because they weren't looking for dates. They just wanted to talk about sailing. Some have become good friends, and one man even lived with us for a while after Katrina.

I admit, if I were looking for a woman I wouldn't look in a sailing messageboard, since the vast majority are men, but the point is that you might have better luck in an online venue that has nothing to do with dating (DU for instance). People looking for a date feel pressured to lie about themselves. People talking about chess or gardening have their guard down. They'll be more genuine.

Bear in mind I was the most un-datable guy in the world when I was single, so my advice is worth what you paid for it.

[alarimer]

24. I belong to some kayaking message boards

I suppose I could join the kayak fishing boards but I don't really fish. And a LOT of the anglers I know are extreme right-wingers.

My city does not have a Drinking Liberally chapter. I wish it did- I would do that but I don't want to organize anything like that. I might see if we have a Parrothead chapter. At least I might have something in common with those people.

Because I work for the state, I have to be careful with political-type activities. There are rules and I have yet to figure out exactly what that means. I don't even know if I am allowed to volunteer for the local Democratic party.

[Courtesy Flush]

27. Ah, another state employee

I'm a Louisiana state employee. We can't do any volunteer work for candidates or parties, nor can we contribute to their campaigns. I can't even put a bumper sticker on my car.

As for kayaks. I almost mentioned that in my post. I once got together with the local paddle club for an outing. I have a kayak, but don't do the long distance stuff. The local club is not involved in fishing at all, as far as I can tell. They just paddle, and their politics were not apparent. I don't think there were any extremists from either side among them.

Regardless of what the group is, you might want to explore non-dating group activities. You never know what serendipity awaits.

[Pierre.Suave]

39. What sailing board would that be?

I am super interested in beginning what will become a life of sailing and have no idea where to begin short of buying a sailboat and heading out.

[Courtesy Flush]

41. Trailer Sailor

It's geared for people who sail trailerable boats, but we've got a diverse crowd including owners of big sea-going boats, and people who don't even own a sailboat.

Here's the main messageboard...

http://bbs.trailersailor.com/forums/trailersailor/index.cgi

[WindRavenX]

22. they've worked out well for me

Currently in a LTR and happy as can be :loveya:

[alarimer]

23. I am glad to hear that

I have met some nice people. But not lately. I met a couple of people in the last year that seemed interesting but I guess there was too much going on in their lives that we never progressed beyond a date or two.

[OrangeCountyDemocrat]

26. I Get No Responses To My E-Mails

I respond to many ads on a site which I subscribe to, but get a reply rate of about 1 in 30, sometimes less.

It's always something. I'm too old. I'm too young. I'm not close enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not their type. I'm not a compatible sign. I'm not this. I'm not that.

Yet, these same people seem to indicate that they're seeking someone with my qualities, and even when our profiles appear compatible, I'm often ignored. I'm not a 10, but I'm certainly not bad looking either. Plus, I am certainly more rational in what I'm seeking in a lady, and unlike many guys online, I'm looking for a relationship rather than a one nighter.

Many of these same people who ignore me, always seem to be online, month after month, year after year, and sometimes they even complain about the guys they're meeting. Yet, give a "nice guy" like myself the time of day? Nope....they're not interested in that. Rather go after to hot looking guy who will treat them like dirt, so then they can continue to complain about how they can't meet someone nice and genuine.

Many women seem to want a "nice gentleman" in theory, but when one approaches them, they realize he's too dull and boring, and would rather go for the rugged, more dangerous guy.

Makes me think about how we got stuck with exciting King george, who people would rather have a beer with than dull and boring Al Gore.

[Courtesy Flush]

28. You need to say all this in an email to them

Heck, what do you have to lose?

[KG]

30. i've had some fun with online dating. made some friends,

made some love. it's all in the way you handle it.

i'm a bit of a loner, to me it's just another way of meeting people.

i'm not desperately seeking, so i don't get all bent out of shape if things go awry. also, i understand the realities of being single over 40, and that i'm not much of a catch.

an older lady friend told me that if i'm still in good shape after 50, (and i will be) the women will be knocking down my door. i guess i'll score thru simple attrition. :hi:

[Radical Activist]

31. Do people mind sharing what sites they've used?

I was thinking of trying online dating and I'm not sure which one to try. I live in a real crappy town to be single in.

I did match.com once when I moved to a new city and didn't know anyone. I went on dates with two women who I didn't hit it off with.

I was thinking of trying Tru because they have a lot of ads (maybe they have more people too?) but their ads also have gorgeous models, which makes me wonder if its all fake.

[KG]

32. try www.plentyoffish.com. it's free and lots of people on it,

[NashVegas]

44. I Tried That One

My issue with it is that the overwhelming majority of replies were from men I had very few - if any common interests. I had about 12 listed, most were 'arty' but one was bowling. I had to remove that because the rednecks were all over me like flies on shit.

Of the men who contacted me that I might have liked to meet, they seemed to be trying to get me to pursue them. When their initial contact was a one-liner, I didn't have an issue, but when their subsequent follow-ups stayed in that range, I stopped replying.

I gave up and took my profile down recently.

[Connonym]

43. I think I've tried them all!

Salon.com personals are cool if you live in an area that has a large enough base of liberal Salon-type readers. I believe they are affiliated with Nerve and Onion as well. There weren't a lot of men to choose from where I live but they seemed, in general, to be more liberal and more likely to have a college education.

Eharmoney is run by a fundy, discriminates against gays, doesn't consider politics in it's "scientific approach" to matching. I subscribed for one day before asking for my money back. Overall felt uncomfortable doing business with them.

Match.com seemed to have the most people. Lots to choose from doesn't necessarily mean better though. Seemed like a lot of semi-literate people. They have an offshoot "chemistry.com" that tries to do personality match like EHarmoney but they are very mum about the actual monthly cost and that makes me suspicious.

Yahoo personals very similar to match. My personal experience differs from friends in comparing the two. I felt Yahoo had more people who were just looking for sex. Friends have told me that they felt match had more players.

The Democratic singles thing (I can't even remember the name) I think is only useful in a city with a large liberal population. There were fewer than 10 men in my age group in the Milwaukee metropolitan area (not a BIG city but certainly not a small one either).

Which ever site you choose, from a woman's point of view this is what I would recommend -- put up as many pictures as you can. Don't brag about your material posessions/salary unless you're looking for a gold digger. I'm personally turned off by men who puff themselves up too much in ads. Be sincere. Be polite. Don't mention your exes or how gunshy you are or express bitterness toward your last breakup. For reasons I don't understand there will be periods of not getting any replies and then all of a sudden tons of them. I'm not the only one who has noticed this. Try not to take rejection personally, especially if it's your first email contact. I personally try to respond to all sincere emails (i.e., emails where the writer has actually put some thought into what they are saying) but sometimes some fall through the cracks. Mostly, I think you should be yourself. Maybe you won't have 100 dates but the ones you do have will be with someone you'll actually like.

[PVnRT]

52. I think you hit a lot of it

I always hated it when I saw a woman's personal say "Show me that not all men are jerks." Why? You've already made up your mind, and it's been my experience that women like that are excessively clingy and dramatic. A couple of dates does not mean you're in a relationship, it means you've been on a couple of dates. The ones that say they need someone to support them....gooooooooodbye. "I'm open to meeting anyone" right above a list of fairly strict physical requirements is my personal favorite. It's all, frankly, little more than high school, but it can be fun to be a spectator.

Take Con's advice here and just relax and go with it and see what happens. Remember, it's all kind of anonymous anyway.

[Jimbo S]

33. You only need one match.

I think personals (print or online) is a good way to meet eligibles. The best way to sort out the ones who don't match your interests. Much more efficient than meeting people in a bar, and less awkward than a social setting.

[Connonym]

34. matchdotcom has a new thing called "chemistry"

it does the personality profile and all that sort of like eharmony. BUT nowhere up front does it say how much the service costs. I went through the whole personality test, filled out a profile, yada, yada and when I got to the end found it was $45 a month! I can't afford that and I was pissed that they don't reveal the cost before you've put the energy into filling out all the stuff (which I suppose is their point, once you've done all that work you probably think what the hell).

On the other hand, at $45 a month you probably weed out people who aren't really serious about looking for a relationship. The people I know who have found luck with online dating sites have been very determined and spent a lot of time, sent a lot of emails and went on a lot of first dates. In a way it's a numbers game. The more you participate the more likely you are to find someone. Maybe I'm subconsciously conflicted about my desire to be in a relationship because I'm not really willing to put that kind of work into it.

[alarimer]

36. I have tried Match before

Currently I am using (and paying for) Yahoo but I don't think I'll renew. I started using Plenty of fish and that seems okay. Not that many active people in my area. I see a lot who haven't been on in months.

[Pushed To The Left]

38. I met my last 3 girlfriends through personals

I met my ex-fiance in 1999 through Yahoo!. I didn't yet have a computer when I met the 2 before her: I met them through the Pennysaver!

[SayWhatYo]

40. Try EHarmony.com I met all fifteen of my ex-wives on there

Not really, but that would be a funny ad for a dating site.

[Connonym]

42. IIRC, Eharmony limits the number of divorces you can have

if you want to join their site. I can't remember if the cut off is 2 or 3. Wonder if they have an official policy on polygamy? The definitely don't allow gays and that alone is enough to make me not want to put another penny in their pocket.

[idgiehkt]

61. e-harmony doesn't allow gay people to list on there?

Holy Madonna. Wow. That reeks to high heaven. Thanks for posting that, I had no idea. :(

[pitohui]

49. possible thought

i would assume that anyone posting she's 38 is saying in a nice way that she's in her mid 40s, maybe if 38 is your actual age you could try saying 30 or 32 to keep from getting so many replies from much older men

[alarimer]

67. I don't lie about my age

well I don't lie about anything important. Age, weight whatever. If they can't deal that I just don't care. I don't want to lie either. Actually I look younger than I am. So my photos help in that regard.

[gmoney]

50. 38 is a tricky age for women...

SUPERFICIAL GENERALIZATION WARNING: The following contains superficial generalizations. Your actual mileage and circumstances may vary greatly. Results not typical. Suggested Serving. Tax, title and destination fees not included. So anyway...

Guys in their late 30s or early 40s do tend to look for women in their 20s, rather than "their own age." A lot of single guys that age are single due to divorce, so want a relationship that's more "fun" and less "domesticated" than what they've just emerged from. A lot of those same guys are probably hoping to date women who don't already have kids, since that can be quite complicated, especially since the kids are likely to be teenagers, who make life hell for everyone.

Hate to say it, but I think your best bet is to extend your upper limit a bit, to say 50 or 52. These guys have had their post-divorce flings with 20-something-age women, and are more likely to be looking for a substantial woman to be a "life partner" down the homestretch. But they're still going to be wired to look for someone 10 to 15 years younger for ego purposes. The good news is that these guys are frequently financially stable and should be more easily "domesticated" without the urge to go out nightclubbing 3 nights a week. On the other hand, they're probably not looking to pick up new stepkids just in time to put them through college, so maybe that's a plus if you don't have/want kids.

The other posters are right, too... dating sites are not real useful. Probably have better luck on MySpace, and that's free... but just get out and do things that interest you, and with luck, your path will cross that of a suitable liberal guy who recognizes your many fine qualities.

Happy hunting!

[billyskank]

51. Further generalization warning

Any guy who is looking for a woman 10-15 years younger than him for ego purposes is guaranteed to be an asshole.

I hate being a 30-year old unmarried guy with no kids. Most of the women my age are in relationships, except for those who have split up and of those many have kids and many are completely fried with relationships.

[supernova]

55. ..

:hug:

[idgiehkt]

53. another one

All I pretty much want from a man is a love relationship that of course includes sex. If it doesn't include sex, I'm not interested. It seems like a lot of guys in that age group are some degree of 'pretend divorced' and I don't think meeting them online is a safe way to go about it AT ALL, because most of them are lying, and all you are gonna get is strung along and lied to and put off with excuses about why you can't get the digits or visit or what have you. It seems like an utter and complete waste of time, for women who are perceived as not having much time to waste if you base everything on looks/ aging, as many men appear to, underscored by your comments about them wanting to date a decade or more under their age bracket. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm doubtful as all get out that it will be found online. And truthfully the thought of dating a man that much older depresses me. I fell hard for one a couple years ago, but he was Asian and Asian men do not age nearly as fast as European ones do, they don't lose their hair nearly so much, and rumor has it they tend to be quite a bit firmer where it counts, because of better cardiovascular health due to better eating habits and possibly genetics. I just don't know about all this online bizness.
:shrug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

56. At my age, the men who are 10-15 years older than I are really OLD

I'm not ready to be a senior citizen.

I saw it in my parents' marriage. My father was ten years older than my mother, and he became a frail, bedridden senior while she was still relatively young and vigorous. She felt trapped and resentful.

Her second husband is only a year older than she is, and while they're now both frail with health problems, at least they're at the same stage of life and can be sympathetic support for each other.

If I see some 70-year-old man hunting in my age group and ignoring the much larger pool of women his own age, I suspect him of wanting a nursemaid.

[alarimer]

65. I never thought of that

It was just that I couldn't picture dating someone only 10 years or so younger than my DAD. But I never thought of the care-taking aspect (which could actually happen at any age though if something happened to someone).

I really don't mind dating guys a few years younger than myself. But I don't think they are all that interested in me. But for some reason the really, really young ones seem to be (like 21-22) which is just weird too.

[alarimer]

66. I feel that same way

I have spent too many years of enforced celibacy (or semi-celibacy at any rate) that I am not willing to do without in any relationship. They had better be able to keep up. So maybe younger is the way to go.

[billyskank]

68. I think I am custom designed for you

I am 30 and haven't had any in five years. ;)

[gmoney]

58. a lot of it is "bracketing" too

Used to do work for a woman who did "speed dating" sessions, and the hardest part was figuring out age brackets. If she made the bracket too narrow, she wouldn't get enough people, so usually ended up having blocks of 10 to 15 years (25-35, 30-45, etc.) so within those brackets, you had guys on the younger end, women on the older end, who wouldn't have much luck. Huge number of exceptions, I'm sure, but not many 31 year old guys will date a 39 year old woman (especially if there are 30-y-o women available), whereas the opposite is far more likely to be acceptable to both parties, as well as society in general.

So I'm guessing what happens online is that the 50-ish guys will cast the net from 35 to 50, 30 to 50, or even 25 to 50, just to improve their odds and not rule anyone out... and because very few men would turn down the chance to at least date a woman in her 20s if SHE was interested. They may not be looking for anything long term with someone young enough to be their daughter, but they certainly would not turn down the chance to at least give it a try. It's not pretty, but it's reality. (A lot of guys this age are divorced for a reason.) Don't forget, a lot of 25 year old women are more mature and self-defined than men twice their age. :)

For further anecdotes on the subject, watch "L.A. Story" or "Something's Gotta Give" or "Must Love Dogs"

[idgiehkt]

60. nah

I'll pass on the research materials. I think I'll just spend that money on a vibrator and occupy myself thusly. Somehow I think that will be much more enjoyable.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

The way I look at it, If it's supposed to happen in this life for me, it will. If it isn't, it wont'. I'm not in control of it, and trying to force it doesn't work. I've had enough relationships to know I'm happier and more productive in my life when I am single...I just wanted to add to this thread that the internet is a dream come true for married men who want a little action on the side, so women in our age group need to proceed with extreme caution.

[billyskank]

62. Women do that too

[idgiehkt]

63. blergh

good point, my friend. Hope it has not happened to you. Any kind of dishonesty like that sucks.
:hug:

[billyskank]

64. Bottom line is: you gotta be careful

:hug:

[supernova]

54. I stopped looking online

several years ago. I went on a coupe of dates, but it was nothing special. Just some social time that I spent. I belonged to the predecessor of Match.com for a while and then to eHarmony when they were new (wasn't aware of the RW connection at that point; it was pre-DU for me). The preMatch.com guys where the better at being individuals: one was a grad student; one was a record industry guy; one was a carpenter I think. But they were real people from around here.

The eHarmony guys were all computer programmers (because I said I worked in IT) and all were really indistinguishable from each other to me. And it took me a while to figure out how to filter that I just wanted to meet guys from around here to actually meet. However, I never got to the point of arranging to meet anyone. By the time we finished their gatekeeper questions, I wasn't that interested in meeting them in person.

So, I don't know how I will meet men now. It all seems so random to me. It's been a long time since I enjoyed spending time with any one. *sigh*

[billyskank]

57. It's difficult

forget all that crap about interconnectedness in the modern world. Fact is that we are more estranged, separated and alone than ever before. It's no wonder so many people are profoundly unhappy. The modern life sucks.

:hug:

[supernova]

59. Sometimes it does

I sometimes wish that we all on DU lived in the same town or just right down the road from each other. Thats a town I'd like to live in. :-)